Callie
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me -My Immortal
I wish you would fucking leave. You left long ago, but you're still here haunting me every time I close my eyes, calling me into the darkness of the night.
"When did you get here?" Jesus asks me, his newly darkened skin gleaming in the pale morning light that now fills our kitchen.
"You know that this is my house too," I say briefly pausing to pull down the lightly bloodstained sleeves on my Walmart hoodie, forgetting about last night. "And no matter how little you like me, You had better get used to it." I articulate each syllable in a staccato manner, to get my point across. "Now," I sigh, "Pass me the goddamned milk."
"Did you just curse?" Jesus can barely contain his excitement to get me in trouble, "You know that is punishable by death in this house." he winks sarcastically at me, his brown eyes gleaming at me. At least he is happy. That makes one of us.
Brandon comes running downstairs, one hand in his hair, making some flailing attempt t flattening it, the other in his silver belt buckle, yanking his pants up past his hip. My eyes can't help but linger there for a second, teasingly hesitating before returning to my cereal bowl, as I remember that foster siblings are not allowed to have any sexual relations..
"I'MM GONNA BEE LATEEEEE!" He bellows insanely as though he wants the whole neighborhood to hear. "Callie toss me Jesus' banana!"
Jesus giggles pervishly, his beady eyes staring at his own pants, Then he calmly and tactlessly utters, "Okay bro, I'll take one for the team." As he starts unbuckling his belt.
Brandon's eyes bulge as he see's what Jesus is doing. Then he obliges his own selfish desire to smack him in the head as he grabs the browning banana from the stone table and sprints out the wooden door.
NIGHT
"The house is sleeping,
I'm here, though I wish that not upon myself,
I must of been horrifically bad because this life is a living hell"
I'm writing in the notepad that I've been using for almost 4 years. It was my mothers last gift to me. I miss her so much and I can't believe her accident happened over 4 years ago. I'm still in shock.
You left. The words taste like venom in my mouth. "YOU LEFT." I want to shriek. "YOU FUCKING LEFT WHEN YOU KNEW I HAD NOBODY ELSE" I'm not talking to my mom anymore. I'm talking to Austin. My only Idol.
I Grab my phone to text one of my friends and I barely succeed as my eyes close.
My phone buzzes in reply, waking me from a dreamless slumber.. I asked Seana for advice on the stupid foster case. She does not know, she thinks she does, but all that thinking is for naught. I want to give her a hug and tell her that she is amazing. Because it's all true. She's the strongest person I know. But any amount of self control prevents my warm cuddly breakdown.
As my phone buzzes again I smile, but this is not from her. Its from him. The man who fucked my life up, from the inside out. The man who physically made me sick more than once, from lack of food. my father. He wants to see me. I snort at the idea at the last sentence of the passage. "I love you." Ha.
Love does not exist in a whirlwind of shattering glass.
I'm crying now, my back pressed against the wall. I'm not just crying tears from my perfectly blue crystal eyes, but my arms are crying. The blood drips like tears as I tear the razor against it like a bandaid for a broken heart. I know that nobody will care enough to notice. That's what life is anyway. a circle of not caring and fake caring. nobody is genuine anymore.
My phone buzzes in my lap again from her this time. She says more strong things that only strong people think. I realize I won't have her as a friend forever. I lost her once. But for now, she is strong in the midst of her own personal hell, and the walls tear away like a facade, as I realize how I need to be strong. She at least acts it, even if she very well might be silently crying out.
I pause for a second admiring the silence in the air. it is surely more beautiful than the chaos of the hot blood. No more. My heart is throbbing in my ears like a rambunctious drum beat. Pa-thump. -silence- Pa-thump. -silence. Over and over. It is too hot. I need to breathe.
I pick myself up. I walk to the bathroom and get some alcohol and put it on the cuts, along with a vow: "Never again."
Note: I have not written in a while. And I really miss doing it. I hope ya'll like it, as I literally CANNOT stop thinking about the next season of the fosters. Especially now because carmilla is in the off season too and... UGGHHHHH! anyways, bye guys See you next week!