In sorrow and pride she exiled herself into the vast unknown woods.
She gave up begging whatever God for help, for favour. Her time on the ground had revealed to her that if some Creator had actually had a hand in breathing them into existence - it was a cruel, not benevolent one.
The Cataclysm had almost wiped out the world, and yet the stubborn Earth had survived and thrived despite their best efforts to snuff out life.
And so had they.
Clinging precariously to an unnatural existence in the cold indifference of space. The last of their species they had believed. And they had thought themselves noble for eking out an existence up there. Playing God and casting judgements. Doling out life and death at their whim to serve some greater end. Some dream of survival for the oh-so-magnificent human race.
What a giant fucking cosmic joke that had turned out to be.
No one was innocent.
The first two days she had walked, looking to put as many miles between her and the camp or anyone who might come after her as possible.
No one had.
And then still she had walked on until the peak of that horrible mountain tomb was no longer visible.
She walked heedless of her hunger and exhaustion. Stopping occasionally to pick what roots and nuts they had learned to identify that still grew this late in the season. Once she had even come upon a nest with eggs and devoured all five without bothering to stop and light a fire to cook them. She had no taste for any of it. She ate because she had to.
Emotions numb, though close to the surface, threatened to break through at any moment, to remind her of her failures and she walked to keep them at bay.
She was used to pain and hunger. Her life on the Ark had been full of it. The ground was no better. She had been considered one of the "privileged" ones up there, but really the difference between her and the rest was splitting hairs. Like arguing who had gotten to eat the less stale crust of bread.
And it felt good to punish her body this way. It felt pure. The hunger gave way to a comforting feeling of light headedness and near euphoria. It distanced her even more from her body and from herself. But like all living creatures, even those determined in self-flagellation, she had an ingrained sense of self-preservation.
On the seventh day of her aimless wandering she came upon an apple tree still ripe with withered, tiny fruit. Not having the strength to climb the old, twisted branches, she gathered what she could that had fallen to the ground and devoured the small, wormy apples before collapsing at the base of the trunk in a dreamless sleep.
She awoke with a start and in confusion of her surroundings. It was cold. How long had she been asleep? Her body felt stiff and bruised and still so weary. She felt like an old woman, not like a young girl in the prime of her life.
For the first time in a long time she was waking up to no responsibility. No sounds save for the forest. Not since her year of isolation on the Ark had she seen a morning with no one asking something of her, needing something. No impending doom. Up there she had spent her hours drawing Earth from the pictures she had known and studied. In the mornings she would awaken to the ever expanding illustrations on the walls and floor. They gave her comfort and a sense of beauty and peace in her lonely cell.
Down here she awoke to the real thing but the overwhelming beauty of the indifferent landscape gave her no peace. And somehow made her feel even lonelier.
Sitting up she ate more of the tiny sour apples and drank the stale water in her canteen. She had nothing to do. It felt good. But then she felt guilt at that thought. The pang in her chest reminded her what she had left behind. And who. She quickly dispelled those notions from her head, refusing to even allow their names to enter her mind. Painful images began to crowd her mind, threatening to stay and and overwhelm and make her face them.
Sitting still was dangerous.
Clarke stood up and stretched and began to stuff as many apples into her pack that would fit.
And then because she had nothing else to do, she began to walk again.