Well, a new story. I kind of hate myself right now. I promise, though, I will keep updating all of my stories…at some point. This is sort of a play-off of the Marauders-Advice-Columns there seems to be a lot of…just with editorials instead. Hope you enjoy!

Normal ~ James Potter

Bold ~ Sirius Black

Italics ~ Remus Lupin

Underlined ~ Peter Pettigrew

May we present to you…The Marauders Reports! We, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and the ever-amazing James Potter shall –

Arrogant much?

Pssh, he's always arrogant. Just like I'm always wonderful!

Again I ask…arrogant much?

ANYWAY, we the Marauders shall endeavor to bring you stories about all the goings-on here at Hogwarts and give our wonderful opinions on them! Won't this be fun?

No.

Sure!

Of course, who wouldn't want to hear my opinion?

Me, for one.

You don't count.

I'll disregard that comment. This is a ridiculous idea, just so you know.

Of course it is! That's why it's us that came up with it and not some boring stick in the mud.

I thought Remus was a stick in the mud. You called him that last week.

Shut up, Pete!

Sirius, I'm not a stick in the mud. I just…don't particularly enjoy all of your crazy hare-brained schemes.

Yes, you do, you're just hiding it.

So, we present to you….THE MARAUDERS REPORTS! Starting with me of course!

My Latest Attempt in Asking Out the Gorgeous Lily Evans

By James Potter

So, you may or may not know that I am slightly infatuated with a beautiful girl named Lily Evans…

…

James? You awake?

He's in an Evans-induced coma. There's no returning from those. Well, unless you know the trick to get him out of it…

OI, POTTER! EVANS SAID SHE WANTS TO SNOG YOU!

What? Where? Evans? I mean, Lily? She wants to snog me?

Ha, he falls for that every time….

That's cruel. No, James, Lily isn't here. Please continue with your article.

Sirius, I'm going to kill you…So, as I was saying before, I am in love with Lily Evans.

We know.

It's pretty obvious.

Even I notice.

Okay, so everyone knows I like Evans. She however, has yet to recuperate my feelings…

She hates you.

She truly does.

A lot.

She hates you, too, Black!

True. But she hates you more. The only one of us she can stand in Remus, for some odd reason beyond our comprehension.

It's because I'm her friend and treat her like a real human being.

I treat her like a human being! A glorious, beautiful human being…

There he goes again.

I'm back!

So, I often attempt to get Lily to go on a date with mixed results.

Mixed results? She hexes you so badly you don't even look like a primate, let alone a human.

The end of last year's transformation was hilarious, though…Can you imagine our James here covered in whipped cream with a cherry on top? In a plastic dish? If you weren't there, I took pictures. I'd be happy to show them to you…

You took pictures? I need to find them and burn them.

Not a chance. They're hidden in a super-secret place you'll never find in a billion years.

They're in your pocket.

Moony! How could you betray my trust like that?

I didn't. You never told me where they were. I made a highly educated guess.

Give me those!

Since you readers cannot see this, James is trying hard to gain access to the pictures while Sirius laughs eagerly, waving them in front of his face…

Oh, look, James got them! He's throwing them in the fire…

HA! I got them.

Evil James – those were my best blackmail photos!

Shouldn't James be writing his article?

Right you are, Petey. Continue, Jamesie.

Don't call me that. Now, my last try to get Evans wasn't as successful as I hoped.

None of them are.

Shut up, Remus. I did really well. I was nice to her, very gentlemen-like, and she still turned me down! Can you believe it?

Yes, I can.

Why does everyone hate me?

Because you make it just so easy.

Argh, just leave me alone!

Well, James just stormed out of the room without finishing his article. He gives up too easily. Except in the case of Evans, of course. It's been three years and he still hasn't stopped…honestly.

So, I shall continue! Yesterday, during dinner, James hopped up on the table, shot sparks out of his wand, and proceeded to say 'Lily Evans, would you do me the honor of accompanying you for a date at the Three Broomsticks?'

Now, this was getting funny, because Lily had that twitch in her eye she gets whenever…well, whenever James is talking to her. And she says 'Go to buggery, Potter,' and proceeds to hex him to oblivion, with feelers coming out of his mouth. Ah, so funny!

You shouldn't laugh at other's pain, Sirius.

But you laugh at my pain all the time!

That's different.

How?

You usually deserve it.

Ouch. That hurts. Now on to my article, which, I assure you, is much better!

How to Get Out of Doing Homework

By Sirius Black

Homework is evil. We all know this.

It's not evil. Homework builds character.

Pssh, no it doesn't. That's just what teachers say to make you do it. You're a teacher in disguise, Remus.

No, I'm not. If I was a teacher, I'd give you detention for spreading these easily-against-the-rules-reports.

But then you'd have to turn yourself in, too! Besides, can't you give detention anyway now, since you've gone over to the DARK SIDE?

Being a prefect isn't the dark side, Sirius. And now that you mention it, I could give you detention…

Should not have said that, Sirius.

James! You're back!

Yeah, yeah, get on with your article.

So, homework is evil. And so are teachers. Especially McGonagall. That woman has it out for me, I swear. If you don't want to do the homework, there are three simple ways to get out of it.

Somehow I get the feeling they're not all that simple…

A – This works great for McGonagall's homework. Just get a spot on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team and she'll let you off easy.

Yes! Come for trials! They're this Saturday, and we need a Seeker, and two Beaters! We need good players! C'mon, show up! We NEED to win the Cup this year…

Forgive James. He's a Quidditch maniac.

Bit more of a maniac. Now, if Quidditch isn't your thing, you can always find a smart friend you can copy off of! Like Remus!

I'm not letting you copy this year.

But if you don't let us copy, I'll fail!

Me, too!

And me!

No, you won't, not if you do the work.

But that's the whole point! With you, we don't have to do the work!

Which you really should be doing.

Don't listen to Remus, readers; he's all uptight about homework.

I'm not uptight, but if you want to succeed in life, you need to do your own work, not copy off of someone else's. Besides, how can you copy my work if you can't find it?

You hid your work? Evil Remus.

It's already been established I'm evil. You told me last year.

You told him that a lot of times, actually.

Well, he is evil! He makes us…THINK FOR OURSELVES!

It's terrible thinking for yourself. I don't know how Remus does it all the time.

And he has to think for all of us, too!

Yes, yes, you'd all be lost without me. Please continue, Sirius, we're getting off-topic.

Right, thanks, Remus. And then there is my third option, usually the most successful…

Oh, dear, this will not end well.

You can steal the professor's answer key!

I was right. It did not end well at all.

That's crazy, Sirius, and even you know. Sure, we do that with the Slug of Horns, and occasionally for Flitwick and Sporx, but McGonagall? Insanity.

And what about when it's an essay? There's no answer key for those.

That's when you copy off of the smart person.

That's great, Sirius, just great.

I thought so!

I think he was using sarcasm.

Argh, Remus in Sarcasm Mode, is not pretty.

But he's sarcastic all the time!

Exactly.

I hate you all.

And that finishes up my article, which is most obviously the best, and probably the only reason you'll pick up this paper tomorrow.

The OWLs

By Remus Lupin

Now, students, for some of us (such as your authors here), it is our fifth year, which means OWLs are steadily approaching. Even if you're not in fifth year, I urge you to read so you can be prepared for them in the future or for NEWTs if you are sixth year or above.

I've been dreading fifth year for this exact purpose.

What, the tests?

No…the torturous process…you know as well as I do, James, that Remus shall force us to do that awful thing…

Study?

Yes. That.

It's so terrible we can't even say the word.

Studying is terrible. I can't concentrate long enough to study.

Now, I'm not big on the studying either, but you absolutely need to in order to pass. And we wouldn't want to repeat the year, would we?

…

Would we?

If it meant we didn't have to do that horrendous thing…

I give up. You're all hopeless cases.

To those of you that actually care about your grades, I suggest you start studying right away – I know it's only September, but just light revising will help you in the long run, I promise.

Is it my turn yet?

Almost, Peter. I'm nearly done.

Now, if you are at all like James and Sirius and won't study until ten minutes before the OWL, just know that if you fail it will affect you for your entire life. If you don't get certain OWLs, it limits your ability to get a job, and if you pass fewer than three, chances are slim indeed of you ever succeeding in life. Sooner or later, you'll end up in a dead end job, living off of nothing, no family, no children, just you, and you'll look back on your fifth year and think 'I wish I'd done better on my OWLs…'

Remus, you are scaring the readers.

We don't have any readers yet.

Well, it's only a matter of time! Soon this will be the most well-read piece of news in the school!

Yeah, and girls will flock us asking for our autograph!

You're all delusional. Go ahead, Pete, I'm done.

Yay!

New School Year

By Peter Pettigrew

So, it's the new school year, and everyone got back one week ago.

They know that, Pete.

Just making sure.

So, my article…I don't know what I should say, really. I hope everyone does really well in their classes, though!

Oh, and welcome to the new first years!

…

Peter, you going to continue?

That's all I have to say.

Okay, then, I suppose we're done.

That was way too short, Peter, next time WORK ON IT SOME MORE.

Sorry.

Be nice, Sirius, Peter did very well.

Whatever.

So, readers, until next week, this has been your lovely Marauders!

If any of you have any issues you'd like us to address here, please drop us a line!

Until next time!