Nasty Baozi
A oneshot featuring a couple of DW characters in their modern day job DLC costumes. The food critic Dong Zhuo decided to pay a visit to his nemesis Yuan Shao's restaurant. Still holding a deep-seated grudge to his nemesis, Yuan Shao and his workers decided to give him one nasty surprise…
It is a busy day in suburban China, indeed. A lot of people were working their own businesses, but a particular five-star restaurant, A Noble's Delicacies, stole the most attention.
"Okay, keep working everyone! Remember, our customers here are as nobles! So get your asses working as fast as possible to get their finest foods! Hurry up!" said the owner of the restaurant, Yuan Shao.
"Yes, sir!", said the workers, which consists of the cook Xu Zhu, waiter Lu Xun, sommelier Zhou Yu and the maids Daqiao and Xiaoqiao.
"Alright! So, Xu Zhu, what are you cooking?" said Yuan Shao while walking towards Xu Zhu's station.
"Hm? Oh, it's you boss! I'm just making the regulars." said Xu Zhu.
"Regulars? What do you mean?" Yuan Shao took a look at Xu Zhu's giant-ass pot. "Oh my god, BAOZI?! SERIOUSLY?! WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT IN THE GODDAMN MENU!" raged Yuan Shao.
"Umm? What's the matter, boss? I mean, everyone loves baozi! Even that famed boat racer Sima Shi comes here to have 100 of them everyday!" answered Xu Zhu with a confused face.
"Gargh! Well, it's a different story if it's Sima Shi! The problem is, this is supposed to be fine dining! What is truly 'fine' about this meat wrapped in flour, huh?! You don't even attempt to experiment with it! Argh, I don't know. Throw it away." said Yuan Shao furiously.
"But, boss…" Xu Zhu attempted to plead to Yuan Shao to not throw his baozi away, but suddenly Lu Xun stormed in.
"Boss! We forgot, today is supposed to be the day where that acclaimed food critic will come and visit this restaurant!" said Lu Xun while carrying a calendar, pointing at the date. Yuan Shao was very surprised.
"What! You mean Dong Zhuo?! Argh, how could I forget that today's the day?! Everyone! Come here!" said Yuan Shao, beating his forehead. He called all the workers.
"What is it, boss?"
"Listen, today we will have a very important guest. That acclaimed food critic, Dong Zhuo, will visit and rate this restaurant! And so we will have a little overtime here."
"OVERTIME?!"
"Yeow! Geez, not in my fucking ears!" said Yuan Shao while covering his ears.
"Why must we have an overtime? That fat, gluttonous bastard could've come here in our worktime!", said Lu Xun, crossing his arms.
"Yeah! It isn't fair! If I'm not getting a raise I'm outta here." said Zhou Yu.
"Nawww, but I want to watch 'Super Benevolence Rangers Team' tonight! They're gonna fight that giant monster Wei Yan!" said Daqiao.
"Nuh-uh! Really, Yuan Shao, if this keeps up then I'm gonna report to the authorities about underage labor!" said Xiaoqiao, pointing at Yuan Shao.
"Umm…so can I keep the baozi?" said Xu Zhu, who seems to not fully grasp what the hell's going on.
"Argh! Okay, that's it! For Zhou Yu and Lu Xun, I WILL give you a raise, so shut that damned mouth of yours. For Daqiao, I have full collection of that show's episodes, so don't be sad. For Xiaoqiao, you're already 17, so it's legal. For Xu Zhu, no, you can't keep the baozi."
"What? Nawww…" lamented Xu Zhu.
"Listen, we may hate Dong Zhuo, and we certainly HATE working overtime, but we have to do this for the sake of the restaurant, okay? We have to make sure that Dong Zhuo got the best service we have offered! If we gave out a bad service, think of what will happen to this restaurant! You get it?" said Yuan Shao, explaining. Everyone nodded, though it's pretty clear that they STILL hate working overtime, let alone working overtime to serve Dong Zhuo! Finally, at 11 PM, where all the other customers have left, the food critic arrived.
"Hm! Finally, I, the exalted food critic throughout the entire land, Dong Zhuo, have arrived!"
"Gakh! It's him! Okay everyone, you have to stay calm, and treat the special customer with care. The slightest mistake will-"
"Hey! I am the special guest here, and I don't even get to order-" Suddenly Lu Xun teleports in front of Dong Zhuo. "Whoa!"
"Good night sir, and welcome to The Noble's Delicacies. Can I take your order?" said Lu Xun while giving out a VERY awkward and terrifying smile that would give Lu Bu nightmares.
"Euh, uhm…well, since I don't have much time to waste here, I'd like to order ALL food written on the menu."
"Okay! Do you want it to be served Japanese-style or Western-style?" asked Lu Xun after writing Dong Zhuo's 'orders'.
"Huh?! Japanese-style? Western-style? What is this?!" asked Dong Zhuo, confused.
"Ehem. If it's Japanese style, then Daqiao will serve the food. If it's Western style, it's Xiaoqiao."
"Ah, I see! So the famed Qiaos are working here, too! Hehe, well, in that case, I'll take BOTH of them! Gwahahahaha!" answered Dong Zhuo, holding his big-ass oversized stomach.
"Gee, what a nasty pervert. Uh, I mean, thank you so much for your orders, sir!" said Lu Xun, teleporting right back to the kitchen.
"Gahaha! Oh man, so what I heard about how this restaurant is the best is true! I get to enjoy free food and pretty ladies!"
"So? Lu Xun, what did he order?" asked Yuan Shao.
"Emm…he wants EVERY SINGLE food written on the menu. Oh, he also requested BOTH Japanese-style serving and Western-style serving!"
"WHAT?! Grrrrhhhh….that fat bastard! If he weren't a food critic I woulda straight-up fry his oversized ass! But…since he is, we've no choice! Everyone, advance quickly to your own units and make every single food we have in the menu! Move, move!" ordered Yuan Shao.
"Yes sir!"
"Umm…so, this means I can give out the baozi, right?" asked Xu Zhu, who's STILL asking the same question.
"No! Your baozi will give this critic a bad impression! Cook something else!" yelled Yuan Shao.
"Whoa! Sigh…alright, boss…." sighed Xu Zhu.
And so, all chefs in the kitchen worked their best to get all food done. 30 minutes later, they're finally finished, with Daqiao, Xiaoqiao, and Zhou Yu ready to serve them.
"Okay, so, um…I hope you'll enjoy our food!" said Daqiao.
"Tadaaa! Here is it! The finest food in the entire land! I hope you'll enjoy yourself!" said Xiaoqiao.
"Your wine, sir." said Zhou Yu.
"Aaahhh, I see! Okay, then! Bon appetit!" said Dong Zhuo, ready to gobble up all the food present before him. He drank the wine first, which made him drunk.
"Ahahaaaa….hic! Soooooo…you wanna go out with meeeee…toniiiigggghhhhtttt?" he flirted with the Qiao sisters, and even Zhou Yu. The three was understandably creeped out, and ran back to the kitchen.
"So? How was it?" asked Yuan Shao.
"Eww….that gluttonous, ugly bastard asked us to go out with him! It's digusting!" said Xiaoqiao.
"I-it's scary, you know…." said Daqiao.
"Yeah! Even me!" said Zhou Yu.
"What?! How dare he! Grrrrhh….you! But, it's alright. We need to wait until he finished eating, THEN we're free, and we don't have to meet his ugly oversized beard again. Just be patient."
And so the restaurant crew waited for around 2 hours for Dong Zhuo to finish his meal. And finally, he finished. Lu Xun once again teleported right to Dong Zhuo's side.
"So, has the experience in this restaurant been a fun one, mister?" asked Lu Xun.
"Ahhh, yes….buuuurrrpp! Now, to wrap up this visit, I'd like to have one baozi, please."
"B-baozi? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't serve baozi here. Unless if it's Sima Shi, because he's willing to give out bucketloads of money for it….."
"What?! Tch, well I don't fucking care! You, as someone who works at fine dining are supposed to know that baozi is the essential food of mankind! Remember, 'customers are as nobles!'! That's your slogan, right? Now get me one or else I'll write a bad review of your restaurant! Quick!"
"What?! Grrrrhhh….huff, okay, right away, sir!" Lu Xun teleported back to the kitchen.
"Lu Xun! What is it! What does he want?" asked Yuan Shao.
"He asked for a baozi to close up his review, sir."
"Baozi? We don't have that in the menu, right?" asked Daqiao.
"Baozi? Hmm, wait a minute….ah! Xu Zhu, you haven't thrown away the baozis, have you?" said Yuan Shao.
"Eh? Of course not, boss! Well, I actually have thrown most of them, but I kept one of them! Why?" answered Xu Zhu.
"Ah! Perfect! Give me!"
"Here."
"Okay! We give this to Dong Zhuo, and it'll be over! But wait…"
"What is it, boss?" asked Lu Xun.
"Hmm….you know what, I think we all pretty much agree that Dong Zhuo is an ass, right?"
"Uh…yes?" asked everyone.
"And so, what do you say that today we'll give this baozi a bit of….'seasoning'?" said Yuan Shao, grinning.
"Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." said everyone, grinning.
"Ohoho, looks like you all agree. Okay then, maybe I'll give this baozi a bit of 'gold'! Ah, don't you love that regal sparkles?" said Yuan Shao while putting his booger on the baozi.
"Oh, oh! Hot sauce! Hot sauce! It'll make it BURN!" said Lu Xun while pouring enormous amount of hot sauce on the baozi.
"Or putting a little bit of charcoal?" said Zhou Yu while putting charcoal on the top of baozi.
"Eww….so I brought with myself this cloth with my husband Sun Ce's sweat. Can I squeeze it?" asked Daqiao.
"Of course you can! Put everything you'd like on this baozi!" said Yuan Shao. And so Daqiao squeezed the cloth, pouring Sun Ce's sweat on the top of the baozi.
"Hey, hey! How about a little bit of sugar?" said Xiaoqiao, putting a boatload of sugar on the top of baozi.
"Hey, maybe some cow pee will help! Whoops, I'm not talking about Cao Pi." Said Xu Zhu while putting literal cow pee on the baozi.
"Haha! Splendid! Oh, oh! Maybe we can put in some used toilet paper!"
"MOAR HOT SAUCE!"
"Maybe this shampoo of mine can taste it up a bit!"
"I brought my husband's used condoms!"
"Candies! Candies make everything better!"
"I also brought in some cow poop…."
After 30 minutes 'seasoning' that baozi, they finally came up with a horrible, HORRIBLE specimen that would make the original creator of baozi start killing mooks in his grave…..
"Kikikikikikikikikikikikikikikiiii….."
"Oh, my…I cannot believe a regal noble like me can come up with such unmentionable, unspeakable tragedy! But it's all worth it!" said Yuan Shao with pinched nose. Everyone sniggered.
"I shall name it, the 'Nasty Baozi'! Kikikikikikikikikii….." said Lu Xun.
"Hey! Where's my baozi! It's getting late! Don't keep your customer waiting!" yelled Dong Zhuo from behind.
"Whoops, it's him! Well then, Lu Xun, would you mind to do this 'noble' task?"
"With pleasure, sir." Lu Xun teleported to Dong Zhuo's side. "Here's your baozi, sir. Enjoy yourself." he teleported back.
"So, how is it?" asked Yuan Shao.
"He seems to not notice it."
"Haha! Let's see what happens."
And so, Dong Zhuo was delighted to see his baozi, if you can still even call that baozi, and prepared to eat it. He took one bite, and fell over.
"Oh, yes, yes! He ate it! HE ATE IT!" yelled Yuan Shao from behind, followed by everyone's cry of victory. Later, Yuan Shao took Dong Zhuo's body and put it in a freezer. However, suddenly someone knocked the door of the restaurant.
"Eh? Who the hell is that? It's very late and we were just preparing to go home!" grumbled Yuan Shao, he opened the door, and was very shocked when he discovered whom it was. "Aaaahh! Wang Yi?! Jiang Wei?!"
"Good night, sir. May I ask why you seem to be so surprised upon seeing us?"
"Ah! Umm…well, of course I'm surprised! What are a policeman and a policewoman doing in a very late hour like this?"
"Actually, sir…we just want to buy some food. We're so hungry, and your restaurant is the only one open!" said Jiang Wei.
"Oh! So you are hungry! In that case, then come in and see what would you like! Hehe…"
"Hmm, you seem to be quite afraid of something. Haha, it's alright. If we don't find you doing any crime, then we won't arrest you." said Wang Yi.
"Yeah, yeah! Of course! Hmm…" Yuan Shao teleported straight to the kitchen. "Okay, guys, there's bad news. We can't go home now because Wang Yi and Jiang Wei came here to eat!"
"Whaaaa?! What happens if they knew about-"
"I know! This is why I tell you, you have to serve them properly, without any odd movements so that they won't be suspicious of us. We'll be safe. Got it?" everyone nodded.
"Right," Wang Yi took her seat. "I've always heard about this restaurant's fame, but now is when I really got to taste it. Better be good."
"I hope so." Jiang Wei took his seat. "But still…Wang Yi, do you smell something?" he sniffs.
"Eh? Really?" Wang Yi sniffs. "Hm…you're right. It kinda smells like the odor of body fat."
Suddenly Lu Xun teleported to the two. "Good night, sir and madam. What would you like to order?" he said while sporting a VERY awkward and terrifying smile that would give his previous smile while serving Dong Zhuo nightmares.
"Well, I'd like a well-done horse meat striploin and a glass of apple juice." ordered Wang Yi.
"I'd like a Marinara sauce-coated dragon's liver and a glass of wine." ordered Jiang Wei.
"Hm-hm. You want that Japanese-style or Western-style?"
"Japanese will do." said both of them.
"Okay, thank you for your orders." However, before Lu Xun teleported back to the kitchen, Wang Yi called him.
"Wait a minute, kiddo. You sure do seem kinda nervous, don't you?"
"Er…well, it's nothing."
"Really? Your face looks like you just committed a murder."
"Glkh! Umm…no, no! I swear! I didn't kill somebody, even if he was a complete asshole- Oops! F-forget what I just said!" And so Lu Xun teleported straight to the kitchen, and gave out Wang Yi and Jiang Wei's orders. Xu Zhu cooked all of them and had Daqiao serve them.
"Uhhrrhh…o-okay…s-s-soo…here's your orders! I hope you'll enjoy it!" she said nervously.
"Thank you! Hmm….wait a minute, kiddo." Just before Daqiao could go back to the kitchen, Wang Yi called for her.
"Eh? Um…what is it?"
"Here, it seems I would like to get some ice cubes for my apple juice. Could you get some for me?"
"I-ice cubes?" Just before neither Wang Yi nor Daqiao could say anything, Yuan Shao has already teleported before them.
"What is it? Is there an inconvenience?"
"Uhh…well, here, I'd like to get some ice cubes for my apple juice. You sure could get some for me, couldn't you?"
"I-ice cubes? Erggh…"
"Hm, what is it with you? Are you hiding something?"
"Uhh, what? No, no! What do you mean, hehe….."
"Gee, you guys are sure weird…ah well, whatever, I'll get it myself." Wang Yi walked towards the freezer.
"Glkh! No, wait!" However, Yuan Shao managed to block her way towards the freezer.
"Sigh…okay, now you're just getting shady."
"What? No! I just want to say that the freezer's, er, out of function! Yeah, it's not functioning! The freezer's broken! So you can't get any ice cubes for your apple juice!"
"Huh, not functioning, eh? Then why do I see you shivering?"
"W-w-what d-d-d-do y-y-y-y-you m-m-mean? Achoo!"
"Sigh…get outta my way, please."
"Nooo! Don't open it, please! Okay, okay, I confess! Recently, the food critic Dong Zhuo came to our restaurant, but he pissed us off so much that we decided to kill him through a nasty baozi! And now I'm storing his body in that freezer! So don't open it, please!"
"…..huh. You know what, I don't ask you to confess anything. I just want some goddamn ice cubes." Wang Yi finally opened the freezer, but found it empty.
"Hmmm….okay, I don't know whether this is some sort of a prank, or that you were lying about where you actually hided the body. But if Dong Zhuo's gluttonous ass was here, I definitely don't want to get some ice cubes from it."
"H-huh? But, where is he? I could've sworn I put his body there-" suddenly, the others were calling for Yuan Shao.
"Boss, boss! There's someone knocking the door!"
"What?! Gah, another customer this late where I was getting into a problem with two polices?!" Yuan Shao walked into the front, where everybody else was standing, with Wang Yi following behind him. He opened the door, only to find Dong Zhuo's corpse coming back to life, complete with dramatic thunder effect.
"Gaaaarrhhhh…where's….my…..baoziiiii?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A ZOMBIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Gah? Hey, it's you! I'm not a zombie! I'm still alive!"
"W-wha? But how? Eh…you know what, nevermind!"
"Hey, Dong Zhuo, you're that acclaimed food critic, aren't you?" asked Wang Yi.
"Of course I am! What is it?"
"Uh, well, this pompous moustache right here just confessed to me that he tried to kill you. Now that you're actually alive, I'd like to clarify it."
"What? Killing me! Haha, of course not! Not with all that delicious food they served me! And that baozi they served got to be the most delicious food I've ever eaten in my entire life! I will definitely recommend it to other people! So, I guess that's it! I gotta go home now. Bye!" and so Dong Zhuo left the restaurant, when everyone except Wang Yi and Jiang Wei had their jaws dropped.
"Heh, really. I don't know whether I have to arrest you for this or not, but I guess I won't need any ice cubes for my apple juice, because this story is enough to 'break the ice'! Haha, get it? Oh well, I better go home now before more insane stories pop up. Goodbye!" and so Wang Yi and Jiang Wei left the restaurant, leaving the jawdropped Yuan Shao and co.
"….eh, boss." suddenly Lu Xun asked Yuan Shao. However, Yuan Shao remained silent.
"Dong Zhuo just said that he's going to recommend that nasty baozi to the people." said Lu Xun again. Yuan Shao remained silent.
"…..maybe. Maybe this is the time I find another job." thought Yuan Shao.
Yes, as the title implies, this is pretty much Spongebob Squarepants' "Nasty Patty" episode, just replaced with DW characters with their modern day job DLC outfits. Also, this is probably the fic that took the longest time to upload, and thereby I say that I'm sorry. Oh well, I hope you'll enjoy it, so please leave a review! Good day!