A.N: this story was inspired greatly (and obviously) by the musical Annie Get Your Gun ("Anything You Can Do" and "I'm a bad, bad man") I was thinking about how the first song is normally used and how it might apply to Arthur and Eames as they bickered over who was the bigger criminal.
Disclaimer: I do not own Inception or Annie Get Your Gun. I would also like to mention that both online fraud/ theft is just as bad as the stuff that happens in real life. Please read and review!
Anything you can do, I can do better (Cause I'm a bad, bad man)
It had been agreed upon by both of them that it wasn't wise to give what they did a name- mainly, they had mind blowing sex, but for the sake of keeping personal emotions out of it and keeping their working relationship steady, neither were willing to say that they were boyfriends or lovers or even fuckbuddies.
They were professionals, excellent at their jobs, and were satisfied to make loads of money in dreamwork and spend free time on each other where beds or lounge chairs were optional.
This time, they were in a bed. A nice soft bed that was large enough to accommodate Eames's habit of stretching out and invading Arthur's side of the bed. Not that this bed belonged to either man; they had agreed before this had began officially that it was for the best to meet up at a neutral zone, so to speak. That meeting at a hotel offered each of them a modicum of privacy, and so on and so on. So, spent and sweating, the two dreamworkers who would gladly tell anyone that they weren't in love had the stupidest conversation ever.
It began like this.
They weren't spooning.
That had been the subject of one of their very first 'we're totally banging each other' arguments. Arthur's opinion then and been the same as it was now- that even though they were of the same height, Arthur was certain that he should be the big spoon, damn it! And Eames always laughed at him and pressed a surprisingly chaste kiss to his neck, pulling him in closer.
Surprisingly intimate for something that wasn't supposed to mean anything at all, Arthur often couldn't stop himself from thinking during those moments.
After a job well done, after a nice dinner, and after a spectacular bout of lovemaking, they weren't actually spooning because it was Eames who was pressed against Arthur's back, but at a time when both were so pleasantly tired, there wasn't a point of arguing.
Arthur's eyes snapped open when he heard Eames chuckle to himself. He couldn't help his slow smile but was glad that Eames couldn't see it.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing," the forger said, "just a funny thought."
Arthur settled back against the other man's warmth. He was enjoying the very high thread count of the sheets, considering if he had it in him for another round before getting back to work. That more and more research had to be done, but if he could spend a little more time away from his computer, he didn't think it would affect him negatively.
Eames laughed again and Arthur couldn't help himself. He turned a little, just enough to look over his shoulder at the other man.
"If it's that funny why don't you share? I'd like to think of something funny before I have to get back to work."
"Alright."
They broke out of their non-spooning position so Arthur could lay on his side and watch Eames, who had decided to lay on his stomach with his arms folded on a mound of big fluffy pillows, resting his chin against his arms. When they were both settled, Eames spent a second smiling foolishly at Arthur.
"I hope you already know that I think your face is hilarious," Arthur said softly, unable to hide the smile that softened the mild insult.
Eames wasn't offended. "I was thinking about how lucky we are, darling."
This took Arthur by surprise. "How so?"
"Any other couple having gone as far as us, having known each other so long, might have had to pay a visit to one another's parents."
Okay, Arthur laughed at that, too. He couldn't see how well he'd do trying to impress Eames's parents. He often felt too standoffish, a little cold, that maybe he'd not fit in with what from all appearances would be a loving family that Eames belonged to. He was certain that if the shoe was on the other foot, Eames would have amazed Arthur's parents because he was just too charming to fail! And since it was never going to happen, he'd not have to worry over his parents fawning over Eames.
But, Eames had been encouraged by Arthur's amusement and continued with his thought.
"The thing is that I don't think I'd ever be able to meet your parents. You know, what with me being a wanted criminal."
Arthur stopped laughing. Shocked, he glared at Eames. "And what in the hell do you mean by that?"
Eames thought about it, ticking off points on one hand, blind to how Arthur was getting steadily angrier.
"I'm wanted in several countries, have prices on my head in half of said countries, double-crossed or cheated my way through the less savory dens of dreamshare and…" Eames paused, thinking a moment longer before nodding to himself, "I think I should take some credit for corrupting you, too."
If Arthur had been angry before, the latest comment had him ready to rip Eames apart.
"Corrupting me? What in the hell are you talking about? I committed crimes in dreamshare before I met you!"
Eames rolled his eyes. "Computer tricks and research isn't the same thing as what I've done. Thusly, I would never be able to meet your parents!"
Arthur couldn't take it anymore! He forced himself out of bed, leaving Eames gaping at him.
"You didn't corrupt me, Eames. I'm just as much of a criminal as you are!" He began to get dressed, not caring about the wrinkles in his shirt or how the product he had used to slick back his hair had failed, allowing his hair to become rebellious.
Eames blinked, careful not to make another move, curious about what Arthur would do next. But at those words, Eames smiled. It was a fond smile reserved for telling someone, maybe someone he regularly called darling, that they were incorrect.
"Are you going to start singing songs from Annie Get Your Gun?"
The door slamming shut was his only answer.
It wasn't supposed to happen. They hadn't even agreed to it. But somehow, they began to compete with each other, trying to prove who the better criminal was.
Eames stole a lovely set of diamond cufflinks and a matching tie-tack, tucking them into Arthur's laptop case when he had left the warehouse for a coffee-run.
In retaliation, Arthur used his "computer tricks" to send Eames every 419 email scam known to man and spam messages that promised to increase the size of his penis. Not that he needed it.
After a week, Eames began stealing art and leaving the pieces around Arthur's desk, like they were tributes or offerings. Arthur would be sad to let go of the Escher's, the Dürer print, and what he was sure couldn't be the real Mona Lisa. But he very carefully arranged them against the wall behind his desk and after work, took them home with Ariadne's help. He pointedly ignored Eames's smug smile when he left with the stolen art and didn't offer Ariadne a great explanation as to what the hell was going on.
Arthur took out several credit cards in Eames's name, offering him the cards only after he had went on a shopping spree where he purchased Eames a completely new wardrobe of tasteful clothes. The forger simply raised an eyebrow and accepted the cards.
Eames got more creative. He worked all night long, looking at the stupid credit cards, thinking about his new wardrobe that Arthur had somehow gotten all of his correct measurements for! By morning, bleary-eyed but satisfied with his work, Eames dropped a satchel filled with counterfeit poker chips that belonged to a completely fake casino, but each one was decorated with a perfect picture of Arthur's face in profile.
Arthur tried not to be charmed by it and sort of failed.
Things became very dicey when both men upped their game.
Arthur stole Eames's identity to the greatest possible extant- not just playing with email and credit cards, Arthur took on Eames's identity while online, perhaps going a bit over board when donating to several interest groups, creating an unflattering Facebook page in the forger's name, and joining eHarmony.
At the same time, Eames had taken his abilities to forge and steal outside of the waking world, and instead posed as the point man, forging Arthur perfectly in dreams. He stole Arthur's life just as much as Arthur had attempted to steal his!
Needless to say, when each found out about these crimes, they were ready to stop playing.
"You can drop the forge, Eames!" Arthur said, livid, out for blood, but more pissed that Eames had managed to forge him flawlessly. That he hadn't forgotten a single detail and that despite his characteristic bad taste he managed to dress as Arthur would. He looked amazing. And judging from the expression on Dom's face, Arthur wasn't so sure if the extractor had noticed the switch either.
The other Arthur looked over at his fuming double and smiled wide enough to flash his seldom seen dimples. "I don't know what you're talking about. This is who I am; this is my identity." The double's eyes narrowed, issuing a challenge.
"No, it's not. You are known under seventeen different aliases and each of those aliases has its own finely crafted life." Arthur nodded thoughtfully, "And because you decided to be such an ass about this, I wrecked them!"
Eames finally shook off the forge, standing toe to toe with Arthur. "How could you do that!? I spent years working on my alternate identities- why did you make so many of them win the lottery in Nigeria? Why in the hell did you make a few of them look so desperate on eHarmony? And since when would I make so many donations to the ASPCA- those commercials break my heart!"
"We both know that you love animals!"
Dom cleared his throat and dared to come closer to the arguing pair. "I don't know what you're fighting about, but we're damned lucky that this is a practice run!"
Arthur and Eames resisted taking their eyes off of each other in order to respond to Dom.
"I'm sorry, Dom. I had to prove him wrong! He had the gall to say that he's a bigger criminal than me!"
Eames, still glaring at Arthur, tried to give Dom an answer, too.
"All I said was that it was for the best that we aren't meeting each others parents! Who in the hell would want to bring me home to meet their mother and father?"
Before Dom could truly jump into the argument (maybe saying that he probably shouldn't be present for this) Arthur had grabbed Eames by his shirt front and growled, "I would!" before pulling him into an angry kiss that lasted long enough for Dom to become very uncomfortable but also happy that it was Ariadne who was watching over them topside. Otherwise, he would have owed her five dollars.
Dom could take a hint and exited the dream to give them some form of privacy.
Not noticing the extractor's departure, the forger and point man broke apart finally as some of their anger dissipated after that kiss. Still staying close to one another, they spoke softly.
"I didn't know you felt that way, darling."
"Well, I didn't say that I'd feel comfortable meeting your parents- I'm willing to try, but I'm such a cold fish, a robot, and I suck at meeting people…"
"My parents would love you! I just didn't think that you'd want that, or me, for any sort of long term period of time. Considering that we'd never even bothered to say we're in a relationship anyway."
"Fine, we are in a relationship. We're criminals, we're bad, bad men together in a relationship. But I want it known for the record that I can do everything that you can."
Eames smiled and began to hum a little song, not surprised when the music truly began to play in their dreamscape. Arthur grinned and took his cue.
"I can do anything better than you, Mr. Eames."
"No you can't!" Eames answered playfully.
Still smiling, Arthur couldn't help but say, "Yes I can," before pulling away waking himself up.