He'd been wrong. So wrong. EVERYTHING WENT WRONG!
It had started out simple enough. Castiel was still on Angelic Probation, in a sense. After being dragged back to Heaven and severely reprimanded he had been giving a chance to redeem himself. Instead of being with his Brothers and Sisters in their search for their Father, he was assigned to Earth to help protect humanity. Specifically the children. Something was suddenly possessing them in a way that was unlike anything they'd ever seen. Instead of black eyes and violent acts, they suddenly glowed with a bright blue aura, almost ethereal in its shining delicacy. Their eyes were focused yet unseeing.
But that wasn't the worst part. It was when they spoke.
They silently pointed towards Heaven and a voice older than time rumbled from their throats. It seemed to come from everywhere at once and shake the very ground they stood on. And yet, the words spoken were more terrifying than the voices speaking them.
TU LAIADA DE MADARIATZA.
Enochian. They were speaking the language of the Angels, and roughly translated it meant The Secrets of Heaven.
Someone or something was using these children to reveal Heaven's most guarded secrets. From the locations of its deadliest weapons, to the weaknesses of the Archangels, and even hidden ways into Heaven itself. The demons had heard of this phenomenon so they were sent out in droves, hoping to find a child who would help them gain the upper hand on the boys upstairs. The only problem was, the being didn't possess a child for long. It spilled a secret or two then vanished, leaving only an empty vessel behind. It seemed its only goal was to ensue chaos. If a child was captured by a demon while being possessed (and a few got lucky) they tried every trick and spell they knew to keep the being from leaving the vessel, hoping for the plethora of information it seemed to possess. But they were never successful and the results were always…..messy.
Castiel's orders were simple. Find the child currently possessed. Exorcise the being from the child and kill it before any more damage could be done, but above all, protect the child.
He had been lucky to be close enough to hear the last child possessed. He flew to the location as fast as his wings could carry him. When he got there he was surprised to find that someone had beat him there.
Sam and Dean.
He arrived just as the Winchesters were setting fire to the Holy Oil they had put on the ground around the girl. Unfortunately that meant that he was temporarily trapped as well, with it.
And boy, was it pissed! It screamed the most unholy of screams, causing the boys to cover their ears from the noise. It shook the very ground in its anger, its aura blinding. Castiel had one shot, and he took it.
So not only had he failed, he had done it spectacularly.
Castiel sat there, staring at absolutely nothing. The crushing weight of what he'd done, against what he was ordered to do. He could argue with himself that he still followed his orders, if not completely. Heaven's wrath would surely rain down upon him. But it didn't stop that nagging doubt in the back of his head. He had saved Heaven's secrets. He should feel justified. Where had that doubt even come from? In his millennia of being, it had never surfaced. So why now?
He looked over in the dingy motel room that he found himself in and immediately saw the answer. The Winchesters.
Sam sat at a small dining room table, furiously clicking away on his laptop. His hair fell lazily across his eyes but he didn't even notice. Sam was onto something, perhaps a lead into what they were currently dealing with. Whatever it was, it had his complete attention. Castiel couldn't help but admire his dedication. Humans got distracted so easily, and yet Sam was always so focused on finding whatever information they needed. He always came through (even if he did get a little help from Bobby). Maybe he just didn't want to disappoint his big brother. Sam's loyalty to Dean was absolutely unquestionable, and Castiel understand that all too well.
He glanced at the other side of the room. Dean was sprawled out over one of the queen sized beds, a couple of pillows under his head and headphones in his ears. Castiel could faintly hear the music although he had no idea what it was. Dean's eyes were closed as if he were relaxed, but Castiel could still see the tension residing in his jaw. Dean must still be disappointed with him.
"Cas?" Cas turned to see Sam staring at him. "You ok?" Castiel sighed, but said nothing. He waited to see if Sam would drop the subject and go back to his research. Instead, Sam stood up and walked over to the fridge and grabbed two beers. He twisted the tops off both of them before walking over and handing one to Castiel. "Here. You earned it."
Castiel's eyes narrowed. "I don't see how. I disobeyed my orders. I should receive punishment, not a reward." Sam just stood there holding his beer out to him. He sighed again, but took the offering. "Thank you."
"Don't mention it." Sam replied. He took a healthy swig of his beer before speaking again. "You didn't do anything wrong, you know."
Castiel stared at him indignantly. "How can you say that? That little girl is dead because of me!" Even as he protested, he could see her face, her blond hair, her pleading eyes. That thing was trying to leave the vessel and for a split second Castiel had seen the true soul within. Then he watched as those eyes lost their spark of life as he plunged his Angel Blade into her heart.
"You didn't have a choice Cas. You said yourself that thing had to be stopped." Sam argued.
"I was supposed to protect her!" Castiel growled.
Sam's shoulders slumped, knowing that it wasn't going to be easy to talk Cas through this. But he still had to try. He pulled an empty chair from the table and placed in front the bed that Castiel was perched on. Sitting down, he tried again.
"Cas, in our line of work, we do our best to save everyone we can. But sometimes that's not always possible. Sometimes it's not always black and white. Innocent people do get hurt. It doesn't mean you didn't try, but sometimes you have to choose the lesser of the two evils."
Castiel just stared at the beer in his hand. "I couldn't even save an innocent child. What kind of an Angel am I if I can't save a child?" he murmured quietly. Sam reached over and placed his hand comfortingly on Castiel's knee until he looked up at him.
"The kind whose heart was in the right place, and one that we're lucky to call a friend."
Castiel's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I am a being of light and energy. I do not have a heart." he stated.
Sam snorted a small laugh. "Your intentions then. You did what you felt you had to do." Sam drank again. "If it's bothering you this much, perhaps you're more human than you think." Standing up, he patted Castiel on the shoulder and went back to his laptop.
Castiel thought on Sam's words for a moment. It's true that he didn't fully understand the emotions that humans go through on a daily basis. But his extended time with humanity allowed him to feel certain things, and he tried to mimic them as best he could. He took a drink from the beer in his hand and grimaced at the bitter taste. That's something he'll never understand.
He looked over at Sam. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure Cas."
"Does it get any easier?"
Sam closed his eyes for a second before answering. "No, it doesn't. It's something you carry with you. But I manage."
"How?"
"Everyone deals differently with the choices they make. Everyone has a vice. Gambling, sex. Some people turn to drugs. Others, more desperate, can turn to magic or whatever they feel can fix them. Or at least make them feel like they are fixed."
"What about you?"
"Personally, I like to run. The earlier in the morning, the better. It gives me time to think, to reflect on my choices and the consequences of those choices. I hope to learn from the past and not make the same mistakes again."
Castiel thinks on this for a minute before asking "What about Dean?"
Sam smiles. "He drinks."
"Doesn't seem the best way to….."
"Thank you Dr. Phil!" Dean's gruff voice interrupts Castiel's musings. He whirls around to see Dean sitting up while carefully folding his headphones and putting them away.
"Dean, I…didn't realize you were listening."
Dean shrugged. "Most songs are around four minutes long. Imagine my surprise when it ended and I hear you two hens clucking away over there." He watched as Castiel's face looked like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Sam however, was giving him bitch face #42. He stood up and stretched, feeling his shoulders and back pop in so many places that he was reminded of Sam's favorite breakfast cereal when he was a kid. "You have a problem with my drinking Cas?" he asked.
"Of course not."
"Good, because a beer sounds fantastic right about now," he pointed to the one Cas was holding, "and you don't want to sound like a hypocrite." He looked at Sam. "Thanks for waiting for me, by the way." Sam gave him a mock salute with his bottle and smiled. He shuffled by Sam to get to the fridge and heard Sam mutter under his breath "Jerk."
"Bitch." he threw right back. Opening the door he looked inside and whined "Who drank the last beer?" Sam held up his hands as if to say 'Don't look at me'. Dean then zeroed in on Castiel sitting on the bed, holding the last beer.
"Dude, really? You drank the last one? You're not going to go on another bender are you?"
Cas's eyes widened slightly at being reminded of what happened the last time he drank to excess. Why couldn't he have chosen a smaller liquor store? "No, I….Sam offered. I thought it would be rude to refuse."
"Well you know the rule around here. Whoever drinks the last beer buys the next pack."
Castiel tilts his head. "I'm unfamiliar with this rule. Who instituted it?"
Dean thumbed between himself and Sammy. "The main two that it affects. Otherwise this big baby would start drinking and leave me with jack squat." He grinned at Sam only to see Sam's bitch face #42 reach epic proportions. Reaching for his keys he looked back at Castiel. "C'mon man. I fly, you buy."
Cas's confusion grew. "But Dean, you can't fly…."
Dean rolled his eyes, and Sam did his best to wipe up the beer he spat all over the table. He was still laughing when Dean shot him a bitch face of his own. "Really Sam? That's alcohol abuse!" he griped. Sam just kept laughing. "C'mon Cas. Get in the car before I gank my brother and call it a day." Dean stomped out the door with Castiel obediently behind him.
A few minutes later they were on the road. The motel they were in was a few miles outside of town so roundtrip would probably take 30 minutes. Castiel listened to the purr of the Impala as it sailed effortlessly down the stretch of blacktop before them. He wanted to speak, but didn't know what to say. Luckily, Dean spoke first.
"You ok Cas?" Castiel opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Dean continued. "For the record, I heard your conversation with Sammy. So don't tell me you're fine, because I know better. This is me you're talking to. If anyone know anything about carrying guilt around, that'd be me."
"Dean, I…. I'm having a hard time facing my failure."
"Dammit Cas, you didn't fail! You stopped that sonovabitch, didn't you? The feathery dicks upstairs should be thankful."
"I couldn't save the girl."
Dean sighed. "I know. It doesn't get any easier."
"It's not just that Dean. You don't understand. This was my chance to prove to Heaven that I could be trusted again. And I, as you say, had the intercourse with the canine."
Dean whipped his head around so fast he almost drove the Impala into a ditch. He straightened his Baby back into the road before he yelled "WHAT?!"
"Isn't that the term I've heard you use?"
"What the hell are you….?" Dean asked, before it suddenly popped into his head what he meant. "You mean 'screwed the pooch'?" He tilted his head back as laughter came pouring out of him. Before long, his sides ached and he had to wipe the tears from his eyes. He glanced at Castiel, seeing the sheepish look on his face, so he immediately tried to calm down. Once he got himself under control (mostly) he patted Cas on the shoulder. "Don't ever change man."
Cas only grunted.
Dean heaved a sigh. "Look, in all seriousness, you did what you had to do. It goes with the territory."
"But I screwed up Dean."
"It's alright Cas. Everyone fucks up from time to time. Look at me and Sam. We're the poster boys for bad decisions."
"And that's why you imbibe alcohol?"
"Sometimes. You get your adrenaline pumping during a hunt, you know? When it's over, it helps me calm down and relax."
"That helps?"
"A little."
"And when it doesn't?"
Dean smiled. "I've got my music. There's just something about it."
"I don't understand how rhythmic noises can affect your state of mind."
"I can't explain it, it's just something you feel." Dean could still see that Castiel was struggling to understand. "Here, let me help." He reached into the backseat and grabbed a small box that was worn to the point of completely falling apart. He dug around inside for a second while still keeping a hand on the wheel and glancing at the road. He finally found his treasure, a cassette tape with a faded label that still bore his father's handwriting.
J + M '74
He quickly took it out of its plastic case and popped it into the Impala's dash. While he waited for the music to start, he turned to Castiel. "Music sometimes just has a way of speaking to you, to your soul. Now, I'm no poet, but the right mixture of the perfect tune and lyrics…..it can be downright magical."
Castiel's eyes widened. "There's magic in this?"
Dean rolled his eyes. "Not literally, Cas! Geez, it's like trying to have a heart to heart with Data from Star Trek."
"I don't understand that reference."
"Data? Android wanting to be human? Having to explain every nuance of humanity?" At Castiel's blank look, he shook his head. "Never mind. Point is….just listen to the damn song." He softened his gaze. "I think you'll appreciate it, as much as my dad did, and as much as I still do."
Just then, the strumming of a guitar could be heard coming from the speakers, completely changing the atmosphere in the Impala. Castiel watched as Dean seemed to transform before his eyes. The tension Dean had been holding slowly evaporated, causing him to relax and almost melt into his seat. Castiel was amazed. But when the lyrics started, he felt his breath hitch. Dean had started to sing along, his voice deep and rich like aged whiskey, yet smooth and calm like a mist hanging over a lake at sunrise.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Dean looked directly at Castiel as he sang the next lyrics…
Behind Blue Eyes...
Castiel had heard Dean's voice in any number of situations but this was different. It had a quality he hadn't heard before. Steady but touched with sorrow. It reminded him once again of everything this man had gone through, everything he had sacrificed. And he was more thankful than ever to call this Righteous Man his friend. He continued to listen attentively, soaking in every note that Dean poured out.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be faded
To telling only lies
He watched Dean throw his head back and seem to release his very soul.
But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My Love is vengeance
That's never free…..
Suddenly Castiel felt a warmth spread through him. Although he still didn't fully understand the emotions that he was feeling, he decided it didn't matter. He could see the beauty of it sitting next to him, hear it surrounding him, feel it enveloping him. A stinging sensation caught him off guard and he wiped his eyes, feeling his fingers coming away damp. Was he…..leaking? He didn't care. Whatever it was, it was both pleasant and surprisingly comforting.
He continued to watch Dean, having the suspicion that Dean forgot he was even there. He sat as still as possible, not wanting to do anything to distract the scene before him. Before he knew it, they were pulling into a Gas N Sip. Castiel couldn't help but feel disappointed. He knew what he just witnessed was a rare glimpse into what makes Dean Winchester the man he is. It was a gift he would always treasure, although he was sad to see the enchantment around him fading away with the music.
Dean pulled up to the door and slammed it into park. He realized that he had gotten carried away trying to make a point to Castiel, and felt slightly embarrassed. Before he could say anything he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.
"Thank you Dean. I believe I understand now."
Dean seriously doubted it. "Really? You usually don't pick up things the first time around. It's always trial and error with you."
Castiel smiled. "I understand enough."
Dean shrugged it off and reached into his pocket. He produced a small wad of bills and handed a few to Castiel. "Ok, enough with the chick flick moments. Go get my beer!" Castiel took the money and opened the door. Slamming it behind him he walked a few steps towards the store before turning around and returning to the car. Instead of getting back in, he leaned into the open window.
"Dean?"
"Yeah Cas?"
"What kind of pie do you want?" He watched as a grin completely took over Dean's face. He felt his own face do the same.
"Surprise me."
Cas nodded and continued on inside. Dean waited until the door closed behind him before he spoke quietly to himself, still smiling.
"Don't ever change Cas."