On today's show...
The huge whale of a man struggled out of the constricting armchairs and stomped forwards toward the smirking host. Little flecks of spit flew out of his mouth as he hollered, "He was forced on us! We never asked for him but we still took him into our home!"
"He's your nephew!" Jasper shouted straight back into his plump face.
"Thank God in Heaven it isn't by blood!" Vernon yelled. The audience gasped in response. One middle-aged witch dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.
Sauntering onto the stage to the applause of the eager studio audience, talk-show host Jasper Kirk smirked a little and made his way forwards to shake some of their hands as they continued clapping and cheering. He never got tired of this reception every morning. A hundred witches and wizards from around the United Kingdom flocking to see him, his telly-visionshow. The telly-vision was a new addition to the magical world; what with more and more wizards marrying into muggle bloodlines the two worlds were overlapping and beginning to finally integrate.
Finally Jasper stopped basking in the adoration and turned to face the nearest telly-vision camera.
"Thank you very much indeed, good morning and a big, big welcome to the show. Now my first guest this morning, Harry, is here today because he says he wants answers from his muggle aunt and uncle, about why they treated him so badly when he came to live with them after the death of his parents. Harry says the abuse he received at the hands of them, particularly his uncle, was horrendous and, check this my friends," the host paused for dramatic effect, "forced him to live in a cupboard until he was eleven years old. He's brave to be here, give him a round of applause, Harry is on the Jasper Kirk show!"
He gestured towards the stage with a flourish and the audience began to whoop and cheer once more as a skinny boy of sixteen with messy black hair and crooked glasses walked onto the stage. Stopping to shake Jasper's hand, Harry took a seat and Jasper sat in the empty chair next to him, offering a concerned frown.
"Harry, welcome to the show. Now you've made some pretty serious accusations backstage with the researchers... just tell us slowly from the beginning... what your childhood life was like on a daily basis," he said.
Harry exhaled loudly and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Well basically... my parents died when I was a baby..."
"Tragic, tragic," Jasper murmured, staring intently at the boy with a hawk-like gaze.
"And I was sent to stay with my only living relatives-"
"Your aunt and uncle, Petunia and Vernon," Jasper clarified and Harry nodded as the miserable looking couple appeared on the screen attached to the wall behind the host and the guest. Vernon was glaring furiously through piggy eyes while Petunia sat beside him, her lips drawn into a straight thin line.
"Yeah."
"You say, "They never wanted me, they treated me like scum" and you're here for answers today. Let's go back to the thing about the cupboard, is that true?"
Harry nodded again, "Yes, I was forced to stay in the tiny cupboard under the stairs until I turned eleven and went to Hogwarts... they would lock me in there unless they wanted me to do the housework, or work in the garden or make their meals."
The audience began to murmur and Jasper leant in towards Harry.
"That's disgusting. What was it like if there were any mentions of magic in the house?"
"Well, Jasper, my aunt and uncle hated everything to do with our world. I'd be yelled at, slapped, locked in my cupboard, not allowed food for days... it was a nightmare," Harry replied gravely staring down at the floor.
"Look at me," Jasper said, "Look at me. That behaviour is disgusting, by anybody's standards. Why on earth would you want anything to do with these people after they treated you so badly?"
Harry shrugged. "I just want answers really."
"Answers? Answers about what?" Jasper queried.
"Just why... why they treated me the way they did," he replied quietly, blinking up at Jasper.
"Alright sit tight my friend, next out on the stage is Petunia, the sister to Harry's mother who says she did the best she could with a difficult child... this should be interesting, Petunia's on the Jasper Kirk show!" He stood up as the woman, with a face slightly resembling that of a horse, marched onto the stage and took the seat the host had just vacated.
"Petunia, welcome to the show. Harry has painted a horrific story of... of childhood abuse, a life with no love or affection from his only living relatives. You gave a slightly different story to the researchers backstage, what's your take on the situation?" Jasper asked, standing in front of the aunt and nephew with his arms crossed, his back to the enthralled audience.
"Right, well first of all, we took him in when he had nowhere else to go, we put a roof over his head, food in his mouth and clothes on his back!" she listed angrily.
"Second-hand clothes from Dudley, they were five sizes too big for me!" Harry shouted.
"You never complained about them at the time!" she shot back.
"I was a child and terrified of being beaten or locked in a cupboard for days on end!"
"Dudley being your son. Is it true you made Harry sleep in a cupboard when your own son had two bedrooms?" Jasper pounced on the topic with a steely expression. He took a certain pleasure in watching the guests squirm when he turned his notorious interrogation technique on them. Oh yeah, he was in charge.
"You stayed in Dudley's second bedroom and don't deny it!" Petunia snapped, finally looking at her estranged nephew.
"Not until I turned twelve and only because Dumbledore made you!"
"That true?" Jasper asked her.
She hesitated, fidgeting with her hands, before drawing herself up fully and replying, "Yes." Boos from the audience caused her face to heat up. Jasper was shaking his head.
"How can you justify treating your own flesh and blood, your sister's child, in such an appalling way? I mean, no disrespect, but you've got to answer that!"
"He was a terrible child!" Petunia said, floundering under the glares and mutters of disapproval from the audience. "You don't understand what he was like, Jasper."
"What, because he would occasionally refuse to cook your meals at the age of five?" Jasper goaded, continuing to speak as she started to object, "Because he once or twice refused to spend hours of back-breaking work weeding your garden? Well come on, lady, speak! Why did you let your husband, who's coming out in a minute, treat your nephew in his words "like the scum off his shoe"?"
Petunia looked down at the floor and opened her mouth to speak, before falling silent and going back to fidgeting.
"Nothing to say then? Pathetic. Harry, what do you think of your aunt's husband, your Uncle Vernon?" Jasper asked, switching to the boy.
"Can't stand him," Harry replied at once as the screen behind him came to life with the livid image of his uncle's face plastered across it.
"Well you've got three minutes to decide what you want to say to him because after this break, Vernon is on the show, my friends, don't go away," Jasper announced, pointing towards the telly-vision camera.
I am slightly worried that only British readers will fully understand this as it is based on a (in)famous morning talk show in the UK, however I'm told it has recently started up with a USA version so you never know! Most chatshows seem to be similar despite the host country really. Let's see who can guess who the host is based on...