Trying a different franchise for once.
Altaïr gasped for air. He felt like he had been holding his breath for ten minutes straight. On the floor in front of him was the dead body of his former master, Al Mualim. A pool of blood was rapidly spreading on the ground, soaking Altaïr's boots.
"It is all over now Al Mualim. Thou reign of terror and lies has ended. I hope thou shalt be greeted by the Devil himself once thou approacheth the gates of hell."
Suddenly the door behind him burst open and a bunch of Assassins ran insinde. They looked at the scene displayed before them and started to panic.
"Altaïr! What has happened here?"
"Who did that to Al Mualim?"
"I told you to keep those boots clean Altaïr! Do you know how long it takes to clean blood of boots?"
"Calm yourselves brothers!" Altaïr exclaimed. The Assassins stopped.
"Our grand master, the late Al Mualim, has betrayed the brotherhood. He hath forsaken the three very rules I have neglected in the past. But not to worry, the olde man hath perished..."
"Dude, why are you talking so weird?" One of the Assassins asked.
"Yeah, what's with the weird words like 'hath' and 'olde' with an 'e'?" The other jumped in.
"Lol, we live in the 12th century Altaïr, you are SOOOOOO First Crusade..."
"SHUT UP!" Altaïr yelled and he threw one of his knives at the Assassins. The knife bored itself into one of the Assassins' throat, fatally murdering him to death. The others quickly took a step back.
"Alright, listen up!" Altaïr shouted.
"This old wankstain is dead now, which means we need a new ruler! And who is better fit for the job than me? I'm a born leader!"
"But Altaïr! What of the body? People will soon start to ask questions! How will you reply?"
"Like this!" Altaïr said and he threw another knife in the third Assassin's throat, permanently ending his life.
"Splendid idea Altaïr!" The last guy said, who was feeling quite nervous all of the sudden. "I shall inform our brothers right away!" He then ran up to a nearby window, climbed on the rail and then jumped off. After a few seconds, Altaïr heard a loud thud and he went to take a look.
"Dumbass... jumped out of the wrong damn window!" he said when he looked outside, noticing the now dead body of his brother floating away in the stream that was running near Masyaf.
"Guess I'll have to place some signs around here."
After dumping Al Mualim's body somewhere in front of a poor, starving family's house (leaving a small note behind stating: "Dive in"), Altaïr returned to Masyaf and gathered all the Assassins.
"All right biatches! I have some good news and some bad news for you. What do you want me to start with first?" Altaïr started.
After a short silence, someone in the back yelled: "BAD!"
"K." Altaïr said and he cleared his throat. "Our old leader, our grand master, the man we knew as Al Mualim, has died!"
The Aassassins looked shocked. "Now calm down, there's no need for panic, for there is good news as well!" Altaïr resumed.
"There is also a new leader of Masyaf! You may have heard of him. Maybe you like him. Maybe you hate his guts. Maybe you think he is a colossal cocksucker! But nonetheless, I, Altaïr Ibn-tralalala-something-something, shall guide you until the end of my days!"
The crowd burst into panic. The Assassins started yelling and screaming as if it the end of the world was near.
"WE'RE FUCKING DOOMED!" A man yelled.
"TAKE ME NOW ALLAH! TAKE ME PLEASE!" Another guy exclaimed before jamming his sword in his stomach.
After five minutes the castle of Masyaf was burning. People were jumping of the roof and spreading chaos everywhere. Meanwhile Altaïr sat in his chair.
"This is fine." He told himself.
Two years passed and Altaïr grew out to be the best leader in a long time. He was woken up by showers of kisses from hot babes from all over the world, people carried him everywhere he wanted to go and he had many Loyal servants (including an ass-wiper).
"Lol wait what?" Lucy said and she closed the Animus. "Hold on, I have to fix this."
Desmond looked at her, surprised. "What's the matter?"
"SHUT UP FAGGOT!" The crazy old Templar professor dude guy said and he smacked Desmond in the face, knocking him clean out.
A couple of years passed and Altaïr grew out to be the single worst leader of anything in the history of the world ever. Even worse then Hitler. Or Stalin. The people lived in poverty, disease spread like madness and children were dying of starvation. People who stood up to Altaïr were either executed by being shat on, or forced into slavery. When the Third Crusade ended, Altaïr sent both Richard the Lionheart and Saladin a card, telling them that he felt unappreciated and that he wanted to "be invited for the party" next time a crusade was held. In the mean time, Altaïr was having the time of his life, eating, drinking and fucking all day, every day. He had gotten so many sons and daughters that he had decided to just call them all Altaïr 2 through 377.9.
One morning, Altaïr butler (or 'personal dog' as Altaïr liked to refer to him) walked into his room. He immediatly ducked, avoiding the knife that was thrown into his direction as soon as he came in. He had gotten used to it by now. The previous 45 'personal dogs' just weren't quick enough.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO DISTURB ME WHILE I'M DOING MY MORNING ROUTINE YOU TWAT!" Altaïr roared before taking another bite of JFC (Jerusalem Fry-eth Chicken).
"But Altaïr! An entire ARMY stands before the gates of Masyaf! They seek you! The great Altaïr Ibn-falalalala-lala-la-la!" The butler said.
"Then tell them I'm busy! And if they decide to force their entry into the castle, tell 'em to clean their shoes! One of them might've stepped in dog-shit, or worse..." Altaïr said and he continued doing his thing.
"Fuck this." The butler said and he walked over to the gates. He ordered the guards to open them. The gigantic army was about to charge right into the courtyard when he stopped them:
"WAIT!" he yelled and the army came to a screeching halt.
"He's up on the second floor, room 439, on the right side of the hallway. Don't clean your boots and just kill the fucker..." the butler sighed.
"And oh yeah leave the women and children alone..."
"Lol, no" The Leader of the army said and then mass-rape happened. The Leader dismounted his horse, took a shit on the rug and then ran upstairs to the room Altaïr was in. He kicked open the door, skillfully dodged the knife that was thrown in his direction and yelled: "ALTAÏR! YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS TODAY!"
Altaïr looked at the man in shock. He dropped his chicken and pulled out of dat thicc ass.
"MALIK!" He yelled in disbelief.
"The one and only!" Malik said and he drew his sword.
"This ridiculousness has gone on long enough Altaïr! First you dishonoured the brotherhood, then you killed our former master and now you just do as you please, living off others like a parasite? Your arrogance knows no bounds! But I draw the line here! YOU WILL DIE BY MY HAND AND WILL GO TO HELL FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE WRONG!"
Altaïr flipped over a nearby table and yelled: "BITCH! I AM ALTAÏR IBN-ACCORDINGTOALLKNOWNLAWSOFAVIATIONTHEREISNOWAYABEESHOULDBEABLETOFLY! I RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!"
He then proceeded to pull out a light-saber and he lunged at Malik. He dodged and ran to the other side of the room. Malik grabbed a knife from his holster and threw it at Altaïr. The Master Assassin was stabbed in the shoulder and he started bleeding immensly. Altaïr roared and he pulled a bow and arrow out of his ass. He fired multiple arrows at Malik, who used his magic to destroy all of them. Malik ran towards Altaïr, grabbed him and slammed him into the wall. With a soft sound of sheating metal, he whipped out his hidden blade and tried to kill Altaïr, but because Altaïr had gotten so fat, he bounced off the wall and back into Malik, who was almost crushed underneath Altaïr's weight.
"OOF! My back!" Altaïr grunted and he rose back to his feet. Malik gasped for air and tried to get up as well, but Altaïr, being the noble fighter he is, kicked him in the balls and let his own hidden blade slide out. He then jumped on Malik and tried to stab him when he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his stomach. Malik had stabbed him. The Master Assassin took a few steps back and then collapsed.
"That was for my brother..." Malik said as he looked at Altaír, who was dying on the floor.
"All the things you have done. No human should ever do these things. What is your excuse this time Altaïr? What say you in front of your creator? What say you now you spawn of hell?"
Altaïr coughed and then softly whispered...
"...
ugh...
Han... shot... first..."
"Well shit." The weird creepy old science Templar fart said. "Now we still don't know what happened with the Piece of Eden..."
Desmond got out of the Animus and looked at him.
"Does this mean you are going to explain to me what you people are doing?" he asked.
"Fuck that." The crazy grumpy wankstain Templar said and he shot Desmond in the face with a M1911. He then had rough sex with Lucy in the Animus, both pretending to be kinky prostitute Assassins.
THE END
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