I do not own Will&Grace, or its characters
Rating: PG13
Warnings: Slash, OOC, language, sap, angst
Pairing: W/J
Summary: Will and Jack have been together for a couple of months. Things take a turn when Jack decides to end the relationship.
Breathing Room
Chapter 1: Breathing Room
By LunaSeraph
A single violet swayed in the breeze, petals soft with the closing of spring. Sparing its life by not plucking it from its place in the park, Jack sat up in the grass and looked to the clouds. Summer would begin very soon. His eyes lowered in slight disappointment. Now that he had a real job, he had a lot of responsibility. There was no longer room for those carefree days of shopping and meandering about in the city all day long.
The blue-eyed man observed his surroundings, sensing a dull feeling of nostalgia grow as his gaze fell upon a group of playing children. His eyes shifted to a middle-aged couple, sitting restfully on a bench near the water. Central Park was much like the world to him. All people of New York came here to escape the rigid confines of their neighborhoods. He himself often wondered how such beauty could flourish amid such a cold and impassive place. The children skirted around him, chasing each other in some nameless game.
The mere simplicity of their game compelled him to smile. They were so cute...
"Take that ya little sissy!"
...until they opened their mouths. Jack sat back, feeling depressed all of a sudden. At such proximity, he could understand the game they were playing. Not a simple game of 'tag', but 'war'. His eyes lowered to the blades of grass about him.
One child simulated the sounds of a machine gun, while gesturing with his hands.
"I got you!"
"No, you didn't!"
"Yea I did, you goddamn terrorist!"
He knew the children of today were a bit different than he had been; they were a little more aware of the cold world they were raised in. And a lot of them had very, 'developed,' vocabularies. He closed his eyes shut, and listened to those small voices as they faded away.
Children. He knew Will wanted them. However, Jack himself could not picture himself raising a child. He had not been part of Elliot's life long enough to dub himself a successful parent. In fact, the boy had been distancing himself as of late. Perhaps he had started a love-life, or realized that Jack was not what he needed as a father. Jack's eyes dulled at that notion. All he could provide was guidance, love, and friendship.
Jack quelled the fear augmenting in his chest, and gathered his things. He would not think about these serious things. Will would take things slowly, he was sure.
Rising from his spot on the ground, Jack dusted himself off and looked out at the park again. Will and he were scheduled to meet. But with his boyfriend nowhere in sight, Jack began to feel uneasy. Yet he waited...
Lately, he had been cursed with worry, regarding his relationship with Will. They had been together since the trip to southern California in early spring. Things had been going very well. The love they had for one another required no explanation. It was something that never really needed mentioning. Jack was very content with the way things were.
It was a beautiful year so far, and Jack was in the longest relationship he'd had in years. Will and he knew almost everything about each other; now and then they discovered something new. But other than that, the relationship was solidifying; Jack was in deep. And he was well aware that Will would be looking to get very serious, very soon.
At the time, Jack had decided to ride out the spring and cherish the lighthearted season. He would deal with the serious stage later. But now, spring was coming to a close...
...and his anxiety would not abate. He supposed it all stemmed from a conversation with Karen and Grace a few days prior.
flashback
"What do you think?" Grace asked Jack, showing him a catalog of furniture and beds. She pointed at a bed frame of queen-sized bed and the pillows and comforters that went along with it.
"Nice." He shrugged.
"Nice? Just nice?"
"Fine, very nice..." Jack muttered, uninterested.
"Jack. You're going to be sleeping in this bed. You're gonna have to say more than that!"
Jack looked up.
"What?"
"Will is going to buy this one. He's already ordered it, and wanted me to ask you what you thought." Grace said. Jack frowned and crossed his arms.
"I never got a say in that!"
"Well, it is Will's apartment. I think he should choose..."
"Well, why did he want me to tell you what I thought about it?"
"he didn't." Karen droned from her desk. "It's Grace's way of spilling a secret."
"Oh, as if you could hold any secrets!" Grace defended herself.
"What?" Jack turned to Karen. "I don't understand, what secret would involve a queen-sized bed?"
Grace tried to contain a smile.
"Don't say it Grace." Karen warned.
"Oh, but I can't keep it in!" Grace whined. Jack whirled about on his chair to look at Grace.
"Say it!" he ordered.
"Well, Will bought the bed especially for you two to share..." Grace began cautiously.
"So? We share the bed he has already..."
"No, you guys will both have the bed. Its yours and Will's..."
"What's the big deal about that?" Jack asked, frowning slightly. Grace sighed.
"The bed-"
"Oh lord!" Karen interrupted Grace and walked over to Jack. "Will wants you to move in with him."
"Karen, I could have handled it!" the redhead protested.
"What? With your sad little bed metaphor?" Karen scoffed dryly and sat back at her desk.
"What? It was brilliant!" Grace exclaimed in shock. Jack on the other hand sat still, a wistful expression on his fine features.
"He wants," Ascending, Jack looked at Grace. "He wants me to do that? Really?"
"Yup." Grace smiled. "I know its-"
"Why didn't he tell me himself?" Jack questioned. Grace's smile fell away.
"What do you mean? He was going to, but he wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I ruined it."
"No! He told you before he told me!" Jack began to panic.
"Jack. He tells me everything. You know that." Grace assuaged, as softly as possible.
"What other plans has he made that I don't know about?!" Jack questioned frantically.
"N-nothing. That's it." Grace clammed up and returned to her work. But she wasn't fooling Jack. He knew that Will and Grace always talked about their hopes for the future, their plans and their relationships. Jack grew angry all of a sudden. Why did Grace know more than he did? But then again, Jack didn't really want to know either!
"I have to talk to Will." Jack said softly and left.
Grace and Karen exchanged glances.
"You don't think I did any damage do you?" the redhead asked worriedly.
end flashback
And now Jack stood in the middle of the park, a worried look on his face.
"Why does Will want me to move in anyway? Things are fine right now!" he whispered to himself, and felt tears of frustration come to his eyes.
He loved Will more than anything. But Jack wasn't sure he could really make Will happy, and give him everything he wanted. He hated going to work. He hated thinking about the future so much.
He was perfectly happy like this. And how could Will want to be with someone like him? He needed someone that wanted children, the same apartment, a life.
Wasn't this what you dreamed? To be with Will? And now you're thinking about ending it all?
He deserves someone better. He deserves someone who wants the same thing he wants. Maybe he was right that first time you told him you loved him. Maybe you shouldn't have been so whiny and needy. That's the only reason he decided to be with you in the first place.
He's in love. You're in love. You're going to hurt him, just like Michael did.
I'll hurt him by staying. How could he keep such a hindrance like me around?
"Hey Jack."
Jack jumped in surprise to see his boyfriend had arrived. He was so deep in thought, he hadn't even noticed him there.
"Will." He sighed nervously.
"So where do you want to eat sweetheart?" He asked and placed an affectionate kiss on his cheek. Jack smiled at him, happy for the time being.
"Anywhere is fine." Jack sighed sadly. "But we need to talk at home."
"Talk? Yea. We do need to talk!" Will smiled mischievously and took his love's hand.
"It's very important WILL." Jack said earnestly.
"It is!" Will agreed.
He's probably going to ask me to move in today. Jack thought miserably, feeling like a jerk for deciding to end it on such a day.
"You know what? Let's go home now. I need to talk now." Jack said firmly.
"Oh. Alright." Will acquiesced, a bit taken back by his lover's tone. Jack usually just followed Will's decisions, without question. So Will knew this had to be important. Maybe Jack was thinking the same thing he was.
They entered the apartment, one happy and anxious, the other nervous and sad as hell. Will placed his briefcase on the table and marched up to the fridge to prepare their lunch. Jack stood by the door wringing his hands and chewing on his lip.
"Oh Jack don't do that. The food will be ready in two minutes I promise."
"Will. I-" Jack sighed, and tried to decide what to say. He never was good with words. Only when he was truly devastated, he would write good things. But he was never good at saying what was on his mind. And now, when his mind was a jumble of doubts and fears, did he believe it was the worst it had ever been. His blue eyes locked with his boyfriend's dark ones, and he could feel himself tremble.
Who am I to make this kind of decision?
Im too chaotic for him. He deserves someone better. How could he think I could give him what he wants? And why didn't I think about this, when we first got together?
Because I don't think. And that's why I can't possibly be any good for him.
Finally both sides of him agreed.
Will looked at him worriedly. Jack seemed genuinely upset. "Jack what's wrong?"
"I know about the moving-in thing." He said, and took a step forward. Will's frowned.
"How'd you know I was gonna ask you?"
"Grace told me." Jack flinched as Will slammed a cooking spoon onto the counter.
"That's just great! Its all ruined!" Will shook his head and looked at Jack. "It was meant to be a surprise. I cannot believe she opened her mouth! God you'd think I would have learned my lesson from the last time she op-"
"I can't do it." Jack said lowly.
"What?"
"I can't move in with you." Jack's throat felt dry, and he could already feel his eyes watering.
"Why not?" Will asked, with a tinge of hurt. He rolled up his sleeves and walked down to be level with Jack. "What's wrong."
"It's me. Im wrong."
"What?"
"Im wrong for you. I-I can't do this anymore." Jack's voice broke and he wrung his hands more fiercely.
"Are you...?" Will asked in disbelief. "You're ending this."
"Will. You don't see it? Im not good for you. Im a horrible room mate, Im not ready for what you want."
"What?" Will began to get angry. "Do you need ten more years or something?! How long do you need Jack?"
"Please Will, don't shout."
"Why the hell not? We've been with each other for six months. We've been together for years! I've shouted at you millions of times!"
"Just don't. You're not making this easy!" Jack covered his face.
"Why do you always want it easy Jack? Is that why your baling out? Because things will get harder?" Will yelled. "I cannot believe this!" He turned around and looked up at the ceiling.
"Im sorry."
"Oh you're sorry. For what? For fooling me these past months? For trashing me, after I've fallen so hard? How could you do this? How?" He stalked up to Jack , demanding an answer.
"We, uh, I-"
"We, uh, I, speak Jack!"
"I told you Im no good! Im not good at anything! Im not good for anyone! I thought I would be able to make you happy. I still love you. I love you so much it's painful, but I just need some breathing room, to figure out what I am capable of giving. To see if Im ready. Im sorry. Im so sorry." Jack just let the tears fall, but he refused to break down in front of Will. "I just don't know if..."
"No. That's enough." Will said shakingly, and said softer. "You are good for me Jack. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I just never thought you would hurt me in such a way. I know I would never hurt you." Will sat down.
"You did once." Jack said.
"What?" Will stood up. "Jack, that was just anger. I would never hurt you like that ever again! Ever! To this day I don't like thinking about that!"
"Not that." Jack looked up, and smiled sadly. "Thanksgiving. When I was seventeen."
"...Oh." Will looked to the side and crossed his arms. He felt very cold. In fact, this was the coldest he ever felt. He wondered if the ice was emanating from Jack. Was Jack really so confused as uncertain that he had to end everything? "Jack please. Don't worry about anything. Just let me take care of you. You don't have to do anything."
Fresh tears formed in Jack's eyes and he smiled again. "No Will. I want to be able to take care of you too."
"No Jack. There can't be two gardeners, " Will said frantically, on the verge of panic. Jack seemed very certain with this decision so far. He showed no signs of relenting. "There can't be two... "
"Im sorry Will. Just give me time. I don't know if I can come back, sure that Im perfect for you. I know you're perfect for me. And it would be selfish to keep you, and not give you anything." Jack sniffed and walked towards the door.
"Jack."
"I won't be far WILL. I'll be where I've always been." Jack smiled and exited.
Will shivered. It was icy. Wasn't it supposed to be the end of Spring? Why was it so goddamn cold? Will sat down heavily on the sofa and rubbed his arms.
How could he do this?
How could he make such a decision?
Why didn't I see it before?
As sad as he was, he was ten times as angry.