Past or Present

by avengedgal

After learning of Elijah's compulsion of Aurora, Klaus is left determined to re-assess his life and past loves. Feeling that he has no-where to turn to with the revelation of his returning love, Klaus begins to write a journal detailing the impasse that he has now reached - will be choose to re-visit an old love that he once thought lost or will be pursue a new love developing?

1. Chapter 1 - Klaus' Diary

When I look back on my life, I see pain, mistakes and heartache yet when I look in the mirror, I see strength lessons learned and pride in myself. I am therefore at an impasse as to whether to despise my brother from removing my first love from my life or to thank him for making me into the man I am today.

Of all of the bright cruel lies to be told, I have always believed that the cruellest was the one called love. An old acquaintance once said to me that life was cruel and if we did not believe love to exist, why would we want to live. Another told me that anyone who is capable of love, it capable of being saved. However, I do not believe either and I believe that in the end we are all infinitely and utterly alone. I believe that my once ability to love was the very reason that my soul may never be saved. The heartbreak endured from the first woman that I gave my heart to has made me into the monster that many people see me as. I had never looked back at my love for Aurora with much fondness, only with repulsion as to how I could have allowed myself to be so weak and so beholding to another person and to allow her to break my heart with such ease. I believed her to be a cruel individual and looked back at her existence in my life with disgust. Since her dismissal of my love over a thousand years ago, I have found it difficult to perceive the concept of handing my heart to another, often sabotaging the relationships with ones who could have offered me something new.

However, of late, I have found myself allowed feelings to be stirred for a new individual in my life. Camille has offered me solace in times of emotional need and has allowed me to explore the reasons behind my character and despite all of the flaws and downright awful things that I have exposed to her, I still find that she allows me to ease the burden onto her, often helping me to understand why it is I do the things that I do and helping me to learn that though it is acceptable to be hurt, it is not so to be cruel. I find that with her I can see the shades of another man appearing, a man more becoming and acceptable to raise and teach my daughter and perhaps a man that my family would be proud to call their own.

However, it would appear that my family themselves are not the saints that they have always painted themselves out to be, particularly my elder brother Elijah, always held out to be such a gentleman and a matriarch of the family, so quick to condemn my actions against family when all the while he had taken away the one thing that could have steered my course differently, a woman who could have prevented the creation of the foul and vicious creature that I have become and the actions that I still try so desperately to atone for. It would appear that he holds the largest burden of atonement.

Therefore, now I find myself at an impasse - looking into Aurora's eyes and understanding that she had no choice but to say the cruel and hurtful things that she did, that she was compelled and helpless to break my heart makes me long for a love that we once had, an eternal love that we could have had before it were so cruelly ripped from us. I cannot help but consider though that I am not the man that loved Aurora, I am cold and I am calculated and before now have thought myself incapable of love until I had started to explore my self with Cami. I had begun to accept the feelings that now stirred for her and to appreciate the man that she was helping me to become - a family man with a moral compass and regret for the terrible things that he had done in his life but able to move into a new chapter with his daughter.

My mind is now conflicted and I have no idea what to do or where to seek counsel - I can no longer trust my family for the actions that they have withheld from me and feel as though I have no where to turn for support and so, like friends in the past, I have chosen to write down these inner thoughts in order to try and find a conclusion to this romantic predicament, but alas I feel no more intent on a plan of action than I did when I started this incessant rambling...