"BRITTANY." Santana had to get her attention. She was going on and on about some new Broadway show she just went with Rachel to see. Santana kept her voice stern and pleading, but made sure to keep it far less agitated-sounding than she actually was. "Brit, listen to me for a minute!"
"Okay, Santana. Go ahead. Your turn," she said, with an ever present smile written across her face. Brittany slid her hand over the steering wheel where Santana's was and pulled it away slowly, intertwining fingers with fingers. The glint of her golden wedding band cast a sparkle onto the SUV's ceiling, and she couldn't help but think of sparkles and magic.
"Brit, I think we should try again…" Santana looked into the distance, through the windshield, avoiding Brittany's hurt stare that was yet to come, just like every other time she tried to talk to her about this, "let's try… to have another baby." The words "have" and "baby" were like bombshells on Brittany. She held her breath for a minute, not saying a word, thinking over the past year in her mind. "Honey, I know it was tough- but counseling helped, right? We're okay now, right? Things cannot be better now; this is the perfect opportunity to try again!" How could Santana have such a positive spirit about the whole thing? How could she pretend what happened last winter affected Brittany so little?
"I… San, I don't-"
"Brit Brit," she hadn't called Brittany that in years, "please- for me? I understand how much it hurt you physically, and emotionally. I know, sweetie, but please. We talked about this years ago. We knew going in it would be risky, but we both wanted children. You know that saying? Lightning doesn't strike the same spot twice?"
"Does that apply to the ocean?"
Santana just let her head fall back against the headrest. This was going nowhere. Ever since Brittany was young, she had had no common sense. She learned over the years, though, and eventually landed a job at a veterinarian's office downtown. She specialized in cat diseases. The best of the best came to her for help on solving a sick cat's illness. The "gift" as Santana had called it, surprised most of their friends, but nonetheless made Brittany happy. And for Santana, that was all that mattered. But, Brittany never grew out of the 'no common sense' thing. She mostly used it to deflect serious topics, like this one.
"Santana, I can't do it again," Brittany said through a closed throat. She was about to start crying. "I can't go through with another pregnancy, just to hurt you and me and another baby all over again. I don't care about the stupid lightning and I especially don't care about the risks. All I know is that I can't. I can't hurt again, not like that. It's too much. I don't see how you could possibly want to go through with it again, either."
"I'd go through hell with you, don't you know that? I DID go through hell with you, and I'd do it all over again if I had to. We lost our baby. We lost her. It wasn't you. It wasn't anything you did. It just… happened. It happens to a lot of people every day, sweetheart. But are you willing to let those dreams of kids go to waste?" Santana stopped to think for a minute. "Remember when we went shopping, when we found out it was a girl? You wanted to make sure you had bows for her- you said you wanted bows for her hair because your mom always put them in your hair, and that meant a lot to you. And when we went and bought those bows, you found one with a button that said 'Momma's Princess' on it. And you just smiled, because you knew that that baby was gonna be just that- her Momma's princess. Do you want that bow to just sit on our nightstand forever? I don't! I want another princess, another baby girl. I know Bella's gone, and we will never get to be that baby's parents again, but Brittany, you were made to be a mommy. Please. Let's try again."
Brittany had lost track of the world beneath her. She sat in silence, begging Santana in her thoughts to stop talking. Her head was starting to ache, and she had left her medicine at home. All she could think about was Bella- sweet, princess Bella, who they had named for her beauty. She came out looking just like Santana. She had the same furrowed brow expression that Santana got when she was either confused or just down right judging a person. Bella had the same nose as her, the same dark, chocolate hair that Brittany had fallen in love with years and years ago. But as soon as that baby's eyes were open, it was like a flood of new DNA had swept through her. Bella had the same sharp, piercing blue eyes that Brittany had- one of the only things Bella had in common with her birth mother. It was an anomaly, a wonder of amazement for the two of them, something neither woman could figure out. She was just simply a perfect mix of the two of them.
But none of that had mattered, for the forces of the universe left the couple shattered just minutes after the baby was born. She was suffocating, due to her umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck, and the doctors couldn't resuscitate her in time, and all Santana and Brittany could do was sit and watch as the baby they had waited for 9 months for slowly lost the life in her eyes right in front of them. They went home the next night, baby bag as they had taken it, no clothes removed, no diapers used and thrown away like they were meant to be. The crib in the newly painted pink room went empty, where a warm little body should've slept. The formula cans were pushed to the back of the pantry and the Gerber baby spoons and bottles were never used. Friends called wondering if the baby had come just to be left in the awkward stance of telling one of the two women how sorry they were for their loss- like that helped. Brittany wouldn't leave the house for months, and Santana had to leave work early just to go home to Brittany who would call in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Santana would cradle her in her arms, hold her to her chest, and just sob with her, because she had no idea what else to do, until Brittany would finally cry herself to sleep.
"If we try again, I want you to carry it," Brittany suddenly burst out. The look of shock on Santana's face didn't even compare to the look of shock Brittany had on her own face. Her words surprised her as greatly as they had Santana. "I can't let US lose another baby because of ME. But I realize I'd be doing the same thing if I said no to trying again. Santana, I love you with everything in me. We've dreamed for years of these kids and I can't ruin those dreams for us. I love you. I love you. I love you. Let's have us a baby."