He hides in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub until JJ comes in with gauze and wraps his hand up. He can hear Luke speaking softly to his mother on the other side of the door, trying his best to calm her down, to settle her into whatever kind of sleep she can muster. He feels the black eye forming and his knee is throbbing and JJ must be some sort of psychic because she rolls up his pant leg and puts ice wrapped in a kitchen towel on his outstretched leg.
She notices a long scar, one that could only be surgical. She remembers when he got shot in the knee, but has no recollection of him have surgery. It had been a mess, back then, with Hotch and Haley and Foyet, and she wouldn't be surprised if he just never told anyone.
"I didn't want to bother you."
The memory echoes in her ear as her finger just barely traces the scar down his knee. He doesn't seem to notice, though.
He's too busy focusing on the toilet seat in front of them, trying his best to will his stomach not to bring the only thing he'd eaten all day back up. He takes deliberate breaths and swallows bile, and for some reason, he becomes angry.
Angry at Derek and Hotch for leaving, for not being there when he needed them the most. Angry at Cat Adams and Lindsey Vaughn, and his team and himself and Mr. Goddamn Scratch...
And, God, he just wants to yell at someone. He wants everyone to know how angry he is… how he's barely holding on and how he just wishes…
JJ interrupts his thoughts when she says they should go to the hospital to get an x-ray on his knee, but he shakes his head and bites out a response and JJ goes back to staring at the scar.
They both look up when they hear a knock on the door and see Luke peaking his head through the door.
He tells them that Diana is asleep in her room and that he's just outside, cleaning up if they need him.
They certainly hadn't expected this when they'd stopped by. Reid was late for a team gathering, one week after Mateo Cruz had ordered the BAU take a six week hiatus. Neither of them had been to Reid's new apartment, but it was closer to work and closer to JJ's and only one subway stop from a state-of-the-art care facility that JJ had all but begged Reid to look into for his mother.
They had offered to leave Rossi's and go get him and were about to knock, but they heard yelling and glass breaking and a thud loud enough to be a person falling and that was enough for Luke to break down the door.
Reid had been face up on the ground, one hand clutching his knee, trying to get his mom to see that it was her son, her only son, and that no government official had bugged the apartment and that he wasn't an imposter and just please stop.
Diana was in a rage, swinging her arms and slapping her son, and it wasn't until she picked up the new shower rod that Reid had just bought and started swinging that Luke grabbed her from behind and disarmed her.
JJ tried to bring her back to reality, she had done it before when Reid was… away. But she couldn't get her to stop yelling, and then Luke nodded at her to go after Reid who wasn't on the ground anymore. Luke used his eyes to point towards the bathroom and JJ found some gauze and ice and knew what she had to do.
Then Reid's phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pockets with a scoff. She leaned up to see who it was, and all but jumped when Reid growls "he keeps calling" before chucking his phone across the wall.
"Spence." She spoke gently and with caution, but didn't have the heart to tell him that Derek was at Rossi's too, and so was Hotch, and they just wanted to see for themselves that he was alright.
So she keeps her mouth shut and keeps the makeshift ice pack pressed to his knee when she hears Luke talking to someone on the other side of the door.
She feels Reid's body tense under her hand, but it isn't Diana Luke was talking to. The voice is deep and calm, like a leader, and JJ could recognize that voice anywhere.
She hears the murmurs of their voices back and forth before they stop and the bathroom doorknob starts to move.
Reid's body has been tense the entire time, she notices, and she knows that the last thing he wants is someone else in this nightmare with him.
But the door opens regardless and there stands Hotch, clad in jeans and a green polo. He looks at Reid and Reid looks away, eyes still fixed on the toilet. He steps towards them and JJ stands, and he hears Hotch say something about Luke not knowing which meds Diana is supposed to take when she wakes up. JJ leaves to help him and Hotch kneels on the bath mat where JJ was seconds ago and holds the ice pack back on Reid's knee.
Reid can't stop himself from clenching a fist with the hand that hasn't been slashed with a broken flowerpot. If he were in a better mood, would probably laugh at the irony at cutting his goddamn hand again.
Except this time, he's not in a jail cell in Mexico and he's not drugged… but damn does he wish he was.
He wants Dilaudad, he wants a lot of it, and he wants it now.
Hotch shifts and says that he's sorry, except its barely a whisper and Reid doesn't know if he's hearing things.
He says it again, this time stronger, and forces Reid to make eye contact with him.
Reid feels like he can't open his mouth but still finds himself saying, "Don't," his tone every bit as sharp as he wants it to be.
He knows it's petty and childish, and hell, it probably makes him weak, but he doesn't care enough to stop.
He wants to be angry at Hotch. He wants to be angry at everyone.
But Hotch doesn't stop, and he goes on about how he should've been there and Reid figures if he can't shut his old boss up, he might as well leave.
And so he gets up, swatting the ice away. But he doesn't make it far. His knee can't take that much force, and it buckles.
But Hotch catches him, he knows because he feels his strong hands on his shoulders. Reid tries to stand, he really does, but he just can't do it… just like he can't help his mother or stop craving drugs or fall in love or be happy or just about anything else.
The sob escapes him while he's lost in thought, and before he knows it Hotch's arms are wrapped around the younger man, and it's almost like they're in a cemetery in Georgia.
He knows he's crying now, he knows he's shaking, but he just can't stop himself. He feels Hotch rubbing circles on his back and murmuring reassuring words in his ear and for a second he wonders if this is what is feels like to be Jack.
His loud sobs bring JJ and Luke running to the door, concern written on their faces like an open book. JJ tries to go in but Luke stops her and Reid's pretty sure he hears a phone ring a million miles away.
Luke answers it and Reid thinks it's probably the rest of the team wondering what the hell was going on.
That doesn't stop his tears, though, because Hotch broke the dam and now there's nothing that anyone can do to stop it.
He hears Hotch's voice again, except he doesn't really hear it, just feels the murmurs and Jesus, does he wish he had a father…
….
It's been a while and he wants to know what time it is but he can't find his voice. JJ wants to come in and this time, Luke lets her, and she joins them, cross-legged on the floor where the young genius has decided to sit. He's not crying anymore and Hotch isn't hugging him, and JJ notices he's back to staring at that toilet.
A few minutes of silence pass and Luke joins them too and they can all hear faint buzzing in the background. They all know it's their phones, and that the rest of the team confused and worried that nobody is responding.
Reid looks at his phone across the room, now broken into a dozen pieces. Luke follows his gaze and picks up a piece with a smile.
"You've got an arm, man," he says with a laugh, and he smiles even more when he sees Reid start to laugh.
"I guess Morgan taught me well," he responds.
"Spence, make sure to never tell him that, he's got a big enough head as it is," JJ adds.
Reid laughs even more, and turns to Hotch, who's leaning up against the tub next to him, a rare smile on his face. "Remember that time I told you you kicked like a nine year old girl?"
"You did what!?" JJ hiccups, and Luke throws his head back, and suddenly they're all laughing uncontrollably.
Hotch tries to control his laughter as he makes an attempt to whisper, "Shhh, your mom is asleep!"
Reid smiles. If she follows her recent pattern, she'll awake lucid and aware, and he'll forgive her.
He'll forgive everyone, he knows. Hotch, Derek, and maybe even himself.
One day, this will all be a thing of the past.
One day, he won't feel so bad about this day.
And even though that day isn't today, he figures, it's as good a day as any to laugh.