It's my first fic. It was inspired a little bit by two wonderful Vocaloid songs: "Totemo Itai Itagaritai" and "Can't I Even Dream?". I'm sorry for any mistakes – English is not my native language, but I'm trying to do my best \(^o^)/

Why does it hurt? It hurts, it hurts so much, too much. Why?

If I keep quiet, no one will know. I'll be the only one to know. So I won't cry, nor scream for help. Besides, I like being alone. I'm used to it, but deeply in heart I just don't want to be lonely, even if I won't admit it . Sometimes I think of that torment as my punishment. But the pain you feel when you can't save the people you were once close with is the worst.

Still, I will probably lead an empty life. Everything will be fine if I just put up with it. I will keep on deceiving myself. Now, after all these years, my brain can turn even pain into a pleasure.

"Your pain… In your pain, what's hidden within it?" Liam asks. "If it hurts too much, then just ask for help, Xerx. "

He smiles and looks at me with his tired eyes. I know that he's right. I'm not the person I was before; I learned how to smile. And though my heart shouldn't be hurting anymore, it still hurts so much. Why? Because I made too many bonds with too many people. The worst thing is that I don't have time for them. I don't have time at all.

I remember these days full of happiness that I couldn't notice back then. Now I've lost these days, I've lost them forever. I can never go back. No one can get back what they have lost, right? And now knowing that I won't see them again is painful. I am not able to turn back time once more.

Even though empty, my left eye socket suddenly hurts. For a moment, it seems to me that I could feel the harsh touch of Will of the Abyss again. Somehow, the fear I feel in my heart right now, is the same one I've felt that day. The angst, no, the horror that I will die, not being able to save anyone- even myself. This invisible wound in my soul is much more deeper than I thought. Nevertheless, it is just a vivid memory; a nightmare that after all these years still haunts me.

When I return to reality, I start to feel the real wound. I hear dripping blood along with the sound of the rain. The ruthless agony arose in my chest. A loud scream emitted from my throat. My body feels nothing but a pain. I put my hands on the wound to stem bleeding, but it's too large. I can see blurry hands covered in red; covered in blood. I feel dizzy. In this condition I know I will lose this fight. This time I will really die.

I'm sorry, Liam. I failed again. I couldn't save you. I've never could save anyone.

"Well… I don't care anymore." I whisper. But deep inside I still care. I just don't want anyone to suffer. I don't want any of the people I know to feel the pain I felt. If they only knew…

"I'm sorry."

I fell in a pool of my own blood. I'm unable to move. This is the end - I fell down and I can never go back. I feel cold. It feels like eternity. Before I close my eyelids, I see a silhouette of Gilbert, running towards me and shouting something. But I cannot make out the words he's saying. I cannot hear these words; they are probably full of fear or maybe regret because he knows he arrived too late. I sense he is bending above me and tries to stem the bleeding. Strange… For the first time I thought about him and the others as my real friends; not just the people I know, but actual friends I care about.

"So long… My dear friend… I'm sorry…"

"Break…"

Why… Why are tears running down my cheeks? Are these my tears or Gilbert's? I'm not sure. Maybe both of us are crying. Or perhaps, the sky is crying? I will never know.

"I'm sorry I couldn't let you save me."