Remus Lupin pushed open the doors and entered the public library. He had lived in his muggle neighborhood for months now, and this was his first voyage into their library. He had a touch of research he had to do and he made his way to the counter to inquire about a few texts. The librarian was nothing like what he was used to seeing. The young man behind the counter had spiked green hair, piercings in his lips, nose, eyebrows, you name it and it was pierced, and tattoos covering his bare arms. After blinking back his shock, he asked his questions.
"Sorry, Dude, but we, like, don't have that here. You could totally try looking it all up on the internet. They have everything on the internet. It's totally tubular." It was quite obvious that he was not actually from England. The youth was an American surfer type and Remus wondered for a moment what brought him here.
Shaking his head, deciding that he didn't care, he wandered over to the computers. He brought up an internet browser and paused with his fingers resting on the keyboard.
They have everything on the internet? Remus wondered. He quickly typed his name into the search engine out of pure curiosity. The search brought up pages upon pages of links to different sites. Startled by it, he clicked on the first link, not knowing what to think.
The first page was covered with more links, these to stories called fan fiction, and brief explanations of them.
"What the bloody hell?" He asked himself quietly, skimming through the blurbs. His eyebrows drew together as he kept coming across one word.
"Slash? What in the world does that mean?" The woman at the computer beside him overheard and turned to him.
"Well, that would be homosexual pairings and relationships," she informed him with an American Southern accent, blushing to the roots of her dark hair.
What is this, Invasion of the Americans? He wondered before the definition of 'slash' sank in.
"What?!" He was stunned. "But I'm not gay!"
"Sir, I never said you were," she answered, turning back to her computer, determined to ignore the psycho beside her.
Remus, face tinged with red also, turned back to his computer and kept reading. There was a nonstop list of slash stories that listed him as one of the main characters. The list of characters he was paired with was astounding.
"Me and Fenrir… Me and Snape? Really?... Me and Sirius… Are you serious? That's like incest." His eyes continued to scan down.
"Me and Lucius? Death Eater Scum, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ME!" He cried out, forgetting where he was. The dark haired woman that had been sitting beside him left hastily, muttering about mad men being allowed in a public library.
"Umm, Dude, you have to, like, totally tone it down, man. This is a library and stuff," the youth covered in piercings and tattoos appeared behind him. He didn't wait for a response before walking away saying, "Righteous."
"I beg your pardon," Remus said quietly and turned back to the computer. "Snape-dark but redeeming; Lucius-Death Eater Extraordinaire; Fenrir-Evil Homicidal Werewolf; Voldemort-Damned Dark Lord... I'm sensing a pattern that I don't much care for here..." he muttered to himself. Oh good, he thought, relieved as he finished the blurb, it's just sex with Voldie not love… Wait… What am I thinking???
Remus started banging his head on the desk beside the keyboard. "What the hell is wrong with me? Paired up with all these Death Eaters!"
One blurb in particular made his eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. 'Remus meets Snape for hot man sex.' He shook his head violently to shake the unwanted images from his mind.
Morbid curiosity spurred him to do it, and he would curse himself for it later, but he clicked on one of the links and quickly read through the story. Indignant grunts and grumbles emanated from him as he read.
Lupin was thankful that he had always been a reader. After years of keeping his nose stuck in a book, he had become quite proficient at speed reading. A lot of teeth clenching, glaring, muttering under his breath, and several stories later he had just about had enough.
"What the fuck?" Lupin was rarely one to use such coarse language, but these stories were… well he couldn't put words to what these stories were. "Why am I always the woman?? Helllll-O, Werewolf, not submissive," he muttered angrily, but soon found himself yelling. "I AM ALPHA, HEAR ME ROAR!"
"The word is woman, not alpha. Singing in the library, messing up the words, and singing BADLY on top of it," muttered an older lady nearby.
"Shhh, Dude, you're totally gonna make my boss go anally insane, fire me then he'll, like, totally fer sure kick you out of here on your bum," tattoo boy hissed at him.
Remus, again, apologized while he turned a frightening shade of red that shouldn't be possible. He turned back to the web page and continued scrolling through stories. The pairings went from bad to worse. There was one with Blaise, another with Draco, he was nearly sick when he noticed him paired with Ron and Harry in a different story. Poor Remus nearly collapsed with the need to boil himself when he saw him paired with Dumbledore. Have to obliviate myself. Must get CLEAN, his mind screamed.
He was relieved when he reached the straight pairings- Tonks, Hestia, Narcissa, Molly (?!), Emmaline. Of course the poor werewolf froze when he read Hermione, Luna, Pansy, and Ginny?
"I seem to be a cradle robber," he gulped. "What is it with me going after all this Azkaban bait?"
All of this seemed completely trivial when he reached his breaking point. Two stories, one right after the other, the first paired him with Trelawney and the second with McGonagall. Trelawney was bad enough but…
"McGonagall?" He screeched. "Must poke out mind's eye," he wailed, dropping to the floor, unconscious.
The pierced, tattooed, green haired surfer dude saw Lupin fall and he wandered over.
"Duuuuuuude," he drew the word out. "Another old dude wasted by the 'net… Gnarly. Man, they totally should stick with the sites that, like, don't have pron and stuff."
A/N: No Lupins were harmed in the making of this ditty.
Surfer's terms: Tubular; Gnarly; Righteous; and Dude.
The 'fer' written in: "Shhh, Dude, you're totally gonna make my boss go anally insane, fire me then he'll, like, totally fer sure kick you out of here on your bum," tattoo boy hissed at him. :: is meant to be a 'for' but when spoken by a Surfer Dude, it, like, totally comes out as 'fer'.
And yes, I was completely channeling Crush the Sea Turtle from Finding Nemo (who I don't own, along with Lupin and all other HP characters mentioned). I do, however, own The Surfer Dude Librarian, the Dark Haired Woman with Southern Accent (who is my editor actually), and the Old Lady.