I stare at my own scarring reflection questioning why I was so abnormal, pathetic, worthless, why wasn't I like my brothers, they're so handsome with amazing bodies. I sigh long and hard questioning my whole life when I hear: "Jase, teas done" my mum shouts, the same way she always does at 6pm, so i instinctively shout back "okay mum, I'm starving" there was some truth to those words but why would I want to shove more shit into myself making me fatter.

I run down stairs to join my family at the table when suddenly I am held tight from behind and someone is scruffing my hair up "a'right bruv thought you was never coming down, you'd been in the bathroom for forty minutes ya'know" I knew that voice and it only belonged to one person, Ziggy; the brother with the perfect physique "let go of me" I say and try and push him away, I don't really want anyone touching me right now, I feel so disgusting "lighten up bro it's only a joke" he looses me and goes and sits down, I follow suit and sit down next to Robbie.

"Jase what took you so long in that bathroom, were you making a baby?" this time it was Joe who questioned me, I could hardly tell him I was making myself sick and staring at the body that has let me down my whole life, I have to think quick and I respond "what's it you anyway" snarkier then I expected, Joe looked taken aback "alright keep your knickers on" he swiftly replies and then he looks at Robbie, I know what that look is, he thinks because we're twins that Robbie will know whats wrong, quite a fair few times he does but not with this, why would I want to tell anyone about this sickening truth.

It was my mum that broke this silence "here we go boys" my mum hands me and Robbie our plates first the contents contained extra buttery mashed potato, the way mum always makes it with sausage, cabbage and onion gravy. Mum finishes delivering everyone's plates and sits down herself "So Jason, what have you been up to" oh god no not her as well "why does everyone keep asking me this, I'm fine alright" I snap "I didn't ask you if you was okay I asked what you'd been doing" oh shit I've blown it now "sorry mum just got a lot on my mind alright, nothing to worry about" I fake a smile "okay just always remember I'm always here if you need to talk" she smiled so sweetly, how can she smile like that having a son like me, I trail off thinking what they would be like living without me.

This time its Freddie's turn to speak "aren't you eating that Jase, I thought you liked mum's mashed potato?" I look at everyone's plates and noticed everyone has at least eaten half or in Ziggy's case he had already eaten it and got his phone out checking Facebook, I look back to my own plate realizing I hadn't even touched my knife or fork "yeah sure, just spaced out that's all" I smiled at him knowing a different truth. I lift my fork up and collect a very small amount of mashed potato and press it against my lips, I notice Freddie still looking at me strange so I swiftly move it into my mouth. I generally love mum's mashed potato but for some strange reason today it made me feel sick, I struggle but I swallow it down and then I cut a small piece of sausage and place it into my mouth this still made me feel sick, if anything the feeling is growing deeper, beginning to be harder to hold back, I don't know if anything of this is showing on my face but I hope it's not, no one should know this is how I'm feeling, I'm not a girl. That's when my trail of thought was interrupted when Joe asks "are you okay Jase, you look a bit peaky" I Chew and swallow my small piece of sausage quickly and reply "I'm fi-" I interupt my own self with vomit, well not exactly vomit, it was my stomach acids with the small bit of mashed potato and sausage, which I threw up down myself and my plate.

"Jason!" I hear my mum exclaim and rush towards me, I look towards Robbie and obviously he moved to the other side of the table to avoid getting covered with vomit. my mum holds me "what's wrong, are you ill?" I can hear the deep amount of concern caressing her soft, smooth voice "I'm alright mum, just felt a bit sick, and didn't realize is was coming up I guess" I lied "can I go upstairs I'm not really in the mood anymore" I ask my mum while wiping my mouth clean "okay get dressing you pajamas and I'll wash you clothes straight away" she smiled and began tidying the table.

I stand up feeling a little light headed and start making my way to the stairs and then the world goes blank.

"Jason. Jason, wake up, Jason" I hear my mum's voice quietly "Jase you okay" this time it was Robbie's voice I hear, I open my eyes and everyone is staring at me "where am I?" I mumble out "the hallway" Joe points out. I begin to feel sick again I turn over to my elbows and try to vomit; but nothing happens "Do you want me to call a doctor" I hear Freddie ask mum "don't, I'm fine, I just need some sleep okay" hoping that mum doesn't listen, that's the last thing I need right now "Okay, but if you still feel like this in the morning I will. Robbie take Jason to your room please" thankfully mum didn't listen to Freddie. "Alright then c'mon Jase" Robbie heaves me up and takes to to our bedroom.

I get dressed into my pajamas and get into bed "g'night Robbie" I call as Robbie is leaving the room "G'night Jase" he calls back and shuts the door. I slipped up today didn't I? I'm so pathetic I can't even eat a damn plate of food, my eyes well up with unshed tears. Why am I so pathetic, why can't I be like my brothers? why does my body fail me? why can't I just be normal?

I fall to sleep at two am, spending eight hours thinking of how much I've failed as a human being.