Title: Come to Terms
Author: ChrysMoon
Notes: My first time at attempting fanfiction. Reviews and criticisms are welcome!
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount and Gene Roddenberry and the lyrics of "My Immortal" to Evanescence.
Italics are thoughts/memories.
Bold italics are the lyrics.
Wistfully staring into the starfield, Leonard McCoy tried to recall the exact moment he lost his aviaphobia. Maybe it happened after flying around for some fifteen-odd years, with only momentary glimpses of land during shore leaves. Or maybe, his lips quirked up at the sardonic thought. I was just too damn busy patching people up to be afraid.
"Come." He rasped at the knock on the door, allowing the captain of the Enterprise to enter his luxurious quarters.
"Admiral." Jean-Luc Picard greeted him with a smile. "We will be arriving on Veridian III in 35 minutes."
"Hmm." McCoy looked around his rooms for the journey from Earth to the funeral of his best friend, James T. Kirk. Again. Life was worse than hell when the original Enterprise crew learned of the demise of their captain. However, having gone through his death once, to have to go through his death a second time was…more manageable.
The décor's too plush and the colors too bright, McCoy finally decided, but… "He would like this room," he murmured.
"Admiral?"
"I would have never thought that I will be back on the Enterprise again," McCoy exhaled loudly, "or meet her captain." His eyes landed on the insignia on Picard's shirt, softening with remembrance.
"Sir, I offer you my deepest condolences." Picard stepped closer, voice full of regret. "I assure you he did not suffer during his last moments."
"When Jim… was he smiling when he…passed away?"
Picard stared at the wizened man, amazed at the surety he voiced that question. Whatever he says will only become an assurance, not an answer. "Yes, he was smiling while he said, "It was fun"."
McCoy nodded, his face showing the relief in his heart. Taking his jacket from the chair, he turned to leave the room. "I don't suppose you've let the Ambassador know we'll be there in a few minutes?"
"No," Picard admitted. "He was not in his room. I will –"
"I know where he is. It'll do me good to move around a bit," McCoy cut him off, walking to the nearest turbolift. "There's no need for you to come with me. Return to your post."
"… yes, sir." Picard stood at attention until the lift's door closed.
"Deck 7." McCoy told the computer his destination. If he understood that green-blooded hobgoblin at all during their association, McCoy would bet his pension on the Ambassador's presence in a certain observation room. Thank God, the basic layout of the ship is still the same. McCoy smiled as he consulted the map of Deck 7 on the computer. After going through upgrades, retrofitting, expansions, and being rebuilt from scratch, the Enterprise still retained the departments in the same area, and even kept the command team's rooms in their original positions.
The turbolift stopped, allowing McCoy to continue his feet-warming exercise down the hall. Luckily, there were few crewmen about, so he had no need to motion them to be at ease every few steps.
"Stop standing at attention when I come by. It's ridiculous to waste time like that. If a crisis comes, would you drop whatever you're doing that could have been the turning point of the battle to acknowledge my presence?! Besides, we're about the same age, and I feel absurdly old when you guys do that."
Kirk's voice resonated in his head, echoing in the emptiness in McCoy's heart and bringing moisture to his eyes. He jabbed in the code to Observation Room 3 while blinking furiously to drive it away. Tears ain't tears until they fall. The admiral told himself stubbornly, and walked in. As he predicted, and seen so many times on the original Enterprise, Ambassador Spock was standing, rod straight, in front of the third window of the room, overlooking the bold letters painted on the hull and the infinite darkness beyond.
"I know this isn't a good room for star gazing, but it's the only room on the Enterprise that I can see the ship and the space together."
Drawing his mind back to the present, McCoy noticed that Spock's position is most peculiar. As one who favored logic and symmetry, Spock was standing to the right side of the window, leaving a large space for … Ah, hell. He's saving a spot for Jim, just like what he'd always done. McCoy cursed internally. When Kirk died the first time, everyone who served with him, and still was in service of Starfleet, had to go through mandatory psych evaluations and consoling before they were allowed back to their posts. It was hell to go through, McCoy agreed, but at least I can manage the grief instead of becoming a loony bin. However, since Spock was already the ambassador of Vulcan then, McCoy wasn't sure if the Vulcan High Command looked after Spock's mental health, or even thought to inquire after it.
The ambassador's left hand became rested on the window edge, fingers probing its polished surface as if looking for the residue of a being who had often leaned against that very spot. "He's not there, Spock." McCoy spoke out at last, unable to watch anymore. "This isn't the Enterprise we served on, so Jim couldn't have leaned against that window sill. Besides, touch telepathy doesn't equal to psychic ability."
The eyebrow went up immediately. "I am quite aware of that, Admiral, and allow me to say I am happy to see that your power of observation has not dipped below the level of apparent facts."
Sure you do. McCoy scowled, walking into the empty space. "Then why did you spread your fingers into the mindmeld positions?"
If McCoy hadn't spent years studying the Vulcan's minutiae, he would have missed the slight tightening of the eyebrows, the shoulders dipping half a millimeter of their usual height, and the small sigh escaping his nostrils. Damn, he's really worn out, McCoy's eyes drew to the slightly bulging vein on his neck. And stressed. This is really bothering him.
"In truth, I must say that it is a most illogical train of thought," Spock began hesitantly, "but I have always felt that if I just stretch my arm out a bit more, I will be able to feel his presence there as before."
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
"It would be like him, wouldn't it, to come back from death to haunt us forever and driving us nuts as usual with his crazy antics." McCoy replied with a smile, making sure that Spock had a chance to see it before turning to face the darkness.
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Judging by Spock's usual methods for managing emotional traumas, McCoy figured that there's two ways Spock would respond to his comment. If he had indeed moved past Kirk's death, he would react in the same stoic Vulcan way and taking McCoy's comment in stride. If not, the very mentioning of anything Kirk had done would bring sorrow and pain to Spock. If it's the first, then pigs could fly. McCoy grimaced resignedly. He didn't have to wait long for Spock's response.
Spock's hands shook against the ledge, knuckles white from the effort to keep them still. Shit.
McCoy cursed. "Spock?" The Vulcan's face turned pale, and his eyes closed to keep them from seeing the memories.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
"Bullshit, Spock." Jim shouted angrily. "You can't tell me that thinking about how those people on the planet died will help."
"Captain, as your First Officer, I -"
"As my First Officer, you did a damn awesome job! Can't you see that without your quick thinking all of us would be dead?"
"If I had planned my strategy to be more efficient, then I wouldn't have lost two of my most able scientists." Spock raised his voice, as close as he could come to yelling without actually yelling. He appreciate his captain's concern over his welfare, but –
"Spock, stop. You're thinking in the wrong direction." Jim sighed, tousling his hair in frustration. "You can't focus on their deaths. Focus on the lives you've saved. Me, Bones, the away team, the data we came to retrieve, and the science department. You saved us, Spock. If you only dwell on the failures, you'll drive yourself insane and unable to act. I need my First Officer to think and act."
Spock's eyebrow tightened a hair's length. His thoughts on the death of the two scientists are having a negative impact on his performance? He nodded. "I shall endeavor to follow your suggestion, Captain."
"Dammit, Spock, how many times have I told you to call me 'Jim'?" he replied gruffly, his eyes shining with relief. "Get some rest. You've had a long day."
"I recommend the same for you, sir." Spock replied to the retreating figure, eyes closing as the door to his quarters slid shut. Jim's presence is both demanding and relaxing to him, although he could not understand the reason for the effects. Like my mother, Spock finally decided that Amanda was a good base for comparison.
Just as Spock needed his full attention to keep track of Amanda's strange leaps of logic, he now catalogues Jim's reactions to daily occurrences on the Enterprise in order to better understand the workings of the human mind. Just as before, Spock made no visible progress. He often would liken the two to candle flame. Frustrating to predict which way it will flicker, but mesmerizing with its pulsing light and shimmering dance.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
"Spock! Snap out of it! The memories aren't worth losing your self to them. You'll lose everything if you follow the phantoms in your mind!"
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
"Trust me, it will hurt much more if you stay locked in that brain of yours. You need to come out and look at reality in the face. Choose to live. Even Jim wouldn't want you to die because of him."
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
It seemed only minutes had passes when Spock woke to the loud knocking and yelling beyond his door. "Spock! Wake up! We've got a problem!"
Walking outside to an angry McCoy and corridor-full of security personnel, Spock immediately began calculating the appropriate situation that would provoke such activities. "What is wrong, doctor?"
"Jim's gone. He was supposed to report to the bridge to check on the course to Abell II thirty minutes ago, but he didn't show. The ship can't locate him, and no one's seen him in the last hour except for you," the doctor glared at Spock like the Vulcan had a hand in Jim's disappearance. "What the hell were you two talking about?"
"I believe our priority is the search for the location of the captain and not a private conversation between two individuals." Spock replied, sprinting down the hallway before he could hear McCoy's reply.
From experiences rescuing/finding Jim on various missions, he realized that the fastest way to find the captain was to start at the most unlikely places for him to be.
"Yeah, he was here in the engine room a few minutes ago. You know, to check on the tubes that's been giving Mr. Scott trouble."
"He came by and asked a lot of questions about the samples we brought back from the planet. I never knew the captain liked plants that much."
"He just stood in the lab a few minutes and then left. He never said a reason why though."
"Nope. Haven't seen him today. Kinda odd too, since he usually stops by around this time to get his usual workout."
"The captain? I did see him earlier. Usually I had to drag him to do the paperwork but he just blew in and did all of them in seven minutes."
"No, sir. I still can't locate him. He's either wandering on a hallway that we haven't looked at yet, or he's turned invisible."
"It seemed that the captain had settled his affairs before retreating to a place on the Enterprise that even the ship cannot detect him in." Spock realized after having exhausted most of the possibilities.
He decided to check the observation deck before informing Starfleet Command that Jim is missing in action. As he walked the length of the deck, he noticed that the door lock for Observation Room 3 had malfunctioned. The keypad and the door both appeared to have not been broken by Jim though, since all circuitry and panels were intact. Most likely, he did not know that his crew was searching for him. Spock lifted his hand towards the comm unit when he heard a sound. Jim is … crying? Not from physical pain, but something else. Spock's hand hovered over the device for a moment before moving to pry open the door as quietly as possible. Even so, it was painfully obvious that Jim knew he was there, from the tense shoulders trying to suppress the tremors and the bleached knuckles grasping at the window ledge.
Staring at the trembling colors surrounded by the darkness of the room, Spock paused to gather the necessary words before sliding the door shut. Never one to initiate physical contact with anyone, he nevertheless placed a hand on Jim's shoulder and murmured softly. "As Humans often wont to say, take your own advice, sir. Do not dwell on the failures that you could not have prevented. Instead, think of the lives you've saved."
His voice managed to keep calm, but his palm seared from the emotional overflow from Jim. They were strong enough to penetrate his mental shields, melting his thoughts to lava and ash. A grief so intense it bordered on despair, and the heavy burden of such self-reproach…
"That you've saved, Mr. Spock. I didn't do anything; I just froze." Jim tucked his face further into the chest.
"On the contrary. You were calm and collected, keeping the away team didn't panic and kept moving. Your superb shooting skills ensured that we were not crushed by boulders, not to mention that you also realized that the lava could be slowed if we focus the phasers on one point of the volcano to make a crater." Spock replied, taking his hand away when Jim returned his gaze. "Under such overwhelming evidences, I would say that it is impossible to conclude that you, as you assumed, 'froze' during our crisis on the planet."
Something between a cough and a chuckle came out of Jim's lips. "You just love to prove me wrong, don't you?"
"Since you have not yet regained your full faculty to argue with your peculiar brand of logic and emotional assumptions, I will await the rematch in a future time." A smile was rising in Spock's heart.
Jim grinned at Spock's response before his First Officer's presence brought a problem to his mind. "You came to look for me. Did something happen?"
Spock then proceeded to explain the situation that led to his discovery of Jim's presence on the observation deck, receiving a puzzled look from in return. "The door was fine when I came in. Computer, lights on at 70 percent."
Somehow, Jim's voice angered the door's mechanisms even further, for it began to spit out sparks and various wires and parts at him, and he narrowly escaped unharmed because of Spock pushing him away quickly.
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
The door continued to sparkle intermittently, to Jim's obvious dismay. "You checked the course to Abell II, right?"
"Yes, and we are on schedule. Arrival time is estimated at tomorrow at 0800," Spock replied, thinking of several ways of leaving the room, but ultimately discarding them all for the volatile nature of the circuits.
"Think it's safe for us to attempt an escape plan?"
"No, captain. The door is in such a state that to even attempt removing it with bare hands will cause a severe shock to the body"
"I guess we could afford to sit here for a bit." Jim sighed, pulling out his communicator. "Kirk to McCoy."
"Jim! Just where the hell are you?" McCoy's voice crackled from the volume the doctor employed and the hustle of the people around him.
"Calm down, Bones. I'm not injured, and Spock's with me in case the door does something crazy again. Anyway, we need some help. Spock and I are stuck in Observation Room 3 because I sorta blew up the door with my voice and -"
"Jim, it is highly unlikely that your voice has the required energy and frequency to -"
"Why is it that you can get into things that goes all to hell even on your own damn ship with all these people -"
"Alright!" Jim shouted, "You guys can argue about the insanely high probability of things keep going batshit crazy around me later. Can we concentrate on getting me and Spock outta here?"
McCoy coughed. "Right. I'm coming over with a engineering team. Spock, keep him occupied until we get there, and under no circumstances is he to be near that door. Who knows what else the door might do from Jim's provocations?" The link terminated before Jim could formulate an appropriate response.
"Bones, you're practically challenging me to get out of here before you could even say 'hypospray'." Jim saw Spock's quirked eyebrow, and headed off the argument immediately. "Spock, you know that leaving this place is imperative … Wait a minute. Did you call me 'Jim' a few moments ago?"
"Am I not -"
"No! I'm ecstatic!" he laughed and clapped Spock on the back. "See? We are getting to know each other."
"And I would also recommend that we leave this room as soon as possible due to the instability of the door." A smirk came on Jim's face.
"So let's make it a race!"
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
"James T. Kirk." Although he tried to muster some disbelief into the tone, Spock spoke the name with a dead certainty that even recent events cannot shake. "How did you find me?"
"Woah, woah." The Kirk of this timeline backpedaled swiftly. "How do you know my name?"
"I have been, and always shall be, your friend." The reply was automatic, without thought, born from the years Spock missed the Jim Kirk of his timelines, and an extending of that friendship to the Jim Kirk of this timeline.
"Um… I don't know you."
"I am Spock."
"… Bullshit."
The same defiance seemed to permeate both times. Spock reviewed this Jim Kirk's actions and compared to that of the Jim Kirk of his time. Even though this Jim seemed to have come to blows with the Spock of this timeline, the natural rhythm of their teamwork picked up as soon as they identified a common goal. As he streamed information into the young man's mind, Spock could not resist glancing at the past of this Jim and comparing it to his Jim's history. Both suffered from baseless insecurities and survived the same horrors, and emerged from them, although not unscathed, stronger, purer, and able to face life with the same "I don't believe in no-win scenario" outlook.
"Jim." He allowed the young man some time to gather himself from the emotional and informational onslaught, but time is running away from them and the universe waits for no one. "We must go. There's a Starfleet outpost not far from here."
"Wait. Where you came from, did I know my father?" His face was withdrawn and pale from the cold and uncertainty.
"Yes. You often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet. He proudly lived to see you become the captain of the Enterprise."
"Captain." The look of hope and belief in Spock was almost painful to look upon.
"Of a ship we must return you to as soon as possible."
Meeting Montgomery Scott was a fortuitous event, for although the Delta Vega outpost was rarely visited by Starfleet officers and thus less maintained than usual, the fact that it is staffed by Scott meant the equipment would be in optimal form. The equations for transwarp quickly inputted, Spock checked on the coordinates for the best position to beam the engineer and Jim to the Enterprise when he heard Jim say, "You're coming with us, right?"
The surprise burst into Spock's mind, followed by longing and sadness. Wishing that he could be by Jim's side, Spock, however, knew that he must not giving into the temptation, even if reason told him that staying by him will save Jim and Spock much of the pain later in life.
"No, Jim. That is not my destiny."
"Why did you send Kirk aboard, when you alone could have explained the truth?"
Standing in the hanger with a younger version of himself, Spock was forcefully reminded of his own age, and the mistakes this Spock may make. So, he said the one piece of wisdom he could give. "Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together. Of a friendship, that would define you both, in ways you cannot yet realize."
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
Somehow, between the two of them they worked out a way to gently pry open the door without further agitating it. It involved a shirtless Kirk ingeniously rewiring the door together and communicator-less Spock remaking the door panel that would allow him to input the override code to the door to shut it down. Total of eight minutes was spent on this attempt.
"Record timing. Bones probably just got the engineering team into the turbolift." Jim had the look of the triumphant challenger in a competition.
"I suggest that we stay in the immediate area. I will investigate with the engineering team on the malfunction of the door and its probable origins. And quoting the doctor, I have to "keep you occupied until he gets here"."
Jim was about to argue back, but seemed to think better of it. "Yeah, Bones probably will think up some cruel and unusual and completely legal way to get back at me if I disappear on him."
"And I must apologize," Spock saw his captain's mystified look, "for intruding on your privacy. I have -"
"Thank you," Jim smiled at Spock's stunned silence, "for intruding when you did. That's what friends are for, right?"
Spock looked at him, and saw the expectation in Jim's eyes. Examining his own thoughts, he could not help but affirm his captain's assertion. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."