**Most of you have read this one before for those who follow me already. But we separated this from the Regina/Emma Love Stories Collection 1. It didn't quite 'fit in' with the other multichaptered ones. For the new readers, this one is the beginning of a journey that I'd like to continue. Enjoy**
Title: I Actually Kissed Emma
Revised Version
Written by: Kay Angelina
Type: ONE SHOT: Once Upon a Time: Regina/Emma
"Sometimes you love someone and you want to make it work. Yet you never really wonder if the other person loves you back, or if they ever will. But you just find yourself falling hard, and you can't help it. And before you know it, you're acting irrationally and you're becoming delusional, paranoid. Then you kiss her. And when you kiss her, everything changes. You're left now to cope. And coping might be the very destruction of your that one strong heart you fought so hard to protect"
Preview:
"Hook is not top priority for me right now, because really, I'm not ready to love anyone for that matter", she said diverting her eyes away from where I stood.
"Not even me?" I asked quietly.
xx
I was selectively standing there next to Captain Hook with distance between us.
Perhaps it was the fact that there was something dangerously alluring about being near her as of recent. Somehow after my life flashed before me as I slowed down the destruction of the stone, it dawned upon me that what I felt for her was absolutely deeper than anything else. And that frightened me terribly to a point where the termination of my life had been a guilty yet selfish act on my behalf. I had desired only to end all this suffering and constant pain. Yet she came in like a beam of light and with the combination of our magic, Emma and I succeeded in saving Storybrooke. For now.
But could I save myself from drowning in her?
Hanging her head, Emma proceeded to appear broken yet anguished, driving a need in me to step away from the Captain to provide her with my company. Yet my feet remained rooted to the spot, me believing that if I did give in to such a desire, then who knows what I might confess to her. It had reached a point where I had just lost Henry and now I was in fear of losing her. The depth of the pain within her radiated towards me with such intensity that it tormented my guilt in believing I was much more a mother than her in any situation. She had been constantly trying and yet I had shot her down with ridiculed articles, bouts of selfish anger and acts, never succeeding in vanquishing her from my life. I wanted only to tell her these things, to believe in myself that if I did, she'd understand and she would admit that her feelings were mutual. But such anticipated feelings were risky, providing that she was currently in a state of mind that would cause her to self-destruct within seconds.
Then Hook's movement caught my attention from the corner of my eye.
I turned to gaze at him in confusion. "Why are you slowing down? In case you didn't know, my son's life is in danger."
"I know, my hot headed Queen", he stated, daring to use the words 'my' and 'queen' in the same sentence. It sickened me. "The plan is to bring us to the far side of the island then link up with the widest part of the river then...we sail right through, take him by surprise", and he smiled, shaking his head, "the irony..."
"What irony?" I asked, considering him, searching his expression for explanations.
"Oh..." and he began to steer the ship again, his eyes ahead, "I spent more time that I care to remember trying to leave this place and kill Rumplestiltskin, and here I am, sailing right back into the heart of it with him as my guest of honor." I was lost in my own thoughts of course, my eyes glancing ever so frequently to her as she stood there alone. "It's not quite the happy ending I was hoping for."
Happy endings.
"Greg Mendell said something funny to me", I said now, turning to glance at him, the very thought of the subject tugging at my heart strings, "he said I'm a villain...and that villains don't get happy endings." I was trying to hide my pain behind a smirk, but had he turned to search my eyes, he would have seen a lot more than he bargained for, had anyone been self-examining me, they would have summed everything up. "You believe that?"
"I hope not", he said, and now looked at me, "or we've wasted our lives."
I wasn't a villain and the word unjustly labeled me, driving anger from within that could make me do unspeakable things. There was a tremendous difference between being a villain and acting on the misfortune of a broken heart. And I was not such a person providing that from the moment I had met Miss Swan, the change within me was effortlessly occurring without any guide from myself, happening gradually without any self-control. My broken heart was slowly mending due to her incessant passionate rivalry and wanting encounters. Since Daniel had declared that I should love again and let him go, I was surprisingly allowing my heart to love her. And what I felt by doing so, it wasn't painful. It was beautiful and warming.
The constant concealment absolutely killed me though.
"Why? Have you found that special someone, my Queen?" and it turned to watch him, my lips parting from disbelief and guilt.
"Maybe..." I offered, carefully avoiding the entirety of the story.
"Am I to believe that the lucky man is currently residing in Storybrooke without a clue as to where you're situated as of present?"
"What about you?" I asked, diverting a response and wrapping my hands around me, hugging myself. "Any luck in the love department?"
The wind was harsh now, whipping around us as the waves crashed against the ship below, wind whistling around sails and through creases everywhere. Suddenly I yearned to be back within the confinements of my comfortable mansion, the feel of the sheets beneath me as I closed my eyes, slipping into sweet dreams of the woman standing not so far away from me. If she only knew what was flickering through my mind as I gazed at her. Blonde hair whipping wild in the wind, toned upper arms and a tempting figure, my fingers twitching as I longed to touch her.
"There is something about Swan that provides a desirous challenge."
I was shocked to the core, my heart ceasing to beat as I stared at him in bewilderment.
"Emma Swan?" I asked, and he smiled.
"The very same", and he carefully steered two knots, his eyes resting on her, "I like women who are fierce, and challenging, and she constantly captures me with her rough edges."
"Well clearly she's dealing with things far more important than love right now", I said, my voice never faltering. "You might as well give her space."
"I might be able to comfort a needing soul", he provided, and I glanced at him angrily. Thankfully he never returned a look in my direction, a foolish smile plastered on his chiseled face, sickening me.
"Hook, you are such a..." but Emma's voice, rising several octaves higher startled me, and flicking my eyes in her direction, I surveyed the scene before me.
"How can the two of you be so infuriatingly optimistic?"
She was wild, and feelings were being let loose before me. And because this anger was directed at The Charmings, I found myself smirking, hands shoved deep within my coat pockets.
"Why? Ever since you got your memories back! Ever since you remembered that you're Snow White and Prince Charming, your lives...they've sucked!"
"See? I like that wild side of hers", Hook offered. I wanted to shove him with force from beside me, and off the edge of his ship.
"And lost Henry, and Neal, and countless other people!"
Snow's face was priceless, forcing me to laugh hoarsely as the situation played out and Emma finally blasted them with her rage, almost as if she was speaking on my behalf. That thought provided such a comforting self of fulfillment for me, a need of acceptance between both of us that the two idiots were just filled with utter stupidity with their profession of 'True Love' and everything else soft and disgusting that trailed after.
And then Gold appeared like the Dark Lord from Harry Potter, forcing me to gloat upon his ability to change clothing so dramatically when I only desired to do the same. In all his glory, he declared that he was going to get Henry.
"We agreed to do this together", I reminded him.
"We made no such agreements."
The babbling fool!
"Why are you doing this?" Emma asked, peering up at him in confusion.
"Because I wanna succeed."
"So you think I'm gonna fail", Emma stated.
"Well how could you not? You don't believe in your parents, or magic, or in yourself."
"I slayed a dragon, I think I believe."
"Only what was shown to you. When have you ever taken a leap of faith?" Gold asked of her, and I considered his words truthful because they were. "You know the kind where there's absolutely no proof. I've known you some time, Miss Swan. And sadly, after everything you've been through, you're still looking for evidence. Well dearie that's not gonna work in Neverland."
"I'll do whatever it takes", Miss Swan declared boldly.
"Well you just need someone to tell you what that is. Sorry dearie, our foe is too fierceful Neverland is a place where imagination runs wild and sadly...yours doesn't."
Then within a flash, after twirling his walking stick, he vanished without a trace, leaving us all staring where he stood. I for one was still scrutinizing his words, and found that clearly Emma didn't believe in herself at all because she was in denial. Who she really was could be seen by me, all of her because as much as she would try to conceal her life, Emma was easy to read. And because my heart was constantly being warmed by her, I knew for a fact that there was a possibility that she was as open minded as it could go. Careful consideration would provide answers, yet from where I stood, Miss Swan was a woman capable of many things, and I believe I could teach her everything she needed to know.
Guiltily, I smirked after that line of thought, also celebrating the departure of Gold, because his smugness was itching at my nerves constantly.
"What are we supposed to do now?" Snow asked, looking around, "he pinpointed Henry's in Neverland and now he up and leaves!"
"I think we can manage fine without him", Hook stated, appearing bashful. "Present company included, when combined, we have magic and strength on our side."
"Magic is not the way."
"Clearly stated by the woman who was awakened by True Love's kiss", I reminded her, glaring in her direction.
"That's good magic, yours is just...bad."
"Might I remind you that I saved your ass before, and it was you who chose to use dark magic to kill my mother!" I retorted, my eyes flashing with fire.
"Your magic placed us in this mess in the first place, ruined our lives!"
"Yet you're standing next to...him with your daughter as well, and I somehow am to be blamed for it."
"Always twisting words to make you appear as some good person when it's clear that you're..."
"Stop it!" Emma shouted, throwing up her hands, her emerald eyes darting from me to her stupid mother. "You think fighting is gonna help us get Henry back? Well think again! I'm just fed up with this, geez. Can't you all just put aside your differences and try to focus on finding my son? It's all your faults actually."
"Even mine?" Hook asked, smiling.
"Oh shut up, because you selfishly stole a bean to escape in all your pride and glory."
"A bean which I returned", he reminded her. "Swan, you really must stop being so damn rude to me. I can be so much more if you let me."
"Your arrogance sickens me", I said to Hook, and stalked off, knowing that he stared at my departure in disbelief. And so did Emma. Snow only scowled at me when I moved past her, and I smirked, wondering how she would react when she realized that I was desperately in love with her daughter.
I spent the entire rest of the night alone, providing that I was on a ship consisting of people who had little trust in me. The tension was thick when I was around for the first half hour after we fell through the portal and never had I desired anything more than to poof myself out of this dreaded environment. Yet one woman held me firmly on that ship, and goodness knows how my heart would ache to distance myself from her. Hence why I was so patient and tolerable of the Charmings, not forgetting Hook.
Sleep never traveled my way that night, even though I was effortlessly tired, my head feeling heavy from exhaustion. And with my body still weak from Greg's repeated electric trauma, I could not allow myself to feel calm just yet. Never was I the sort of person to sleep anywhere else but on a comforting bed, so when below deck was offered up for grabs, I declined.
But so did Emma.
I deeply desired her in more ways than one, to a point where anything else appeared inevitable. And standing with distance between us only provided me with the urge to eliminate it all. Slowly releasing my grip on the rope leading up to the sails above, I made my way across the swaying ship towards where she stood watching out into the night alone. And it would appear as if she was so lost in thought that my presence wasn't even detected.
"We're going to find him", I said quietly, and she flinched by the sound of my voice, her eyes barely glancing to register me standing beside her.
Yet not a word was returned.
So I tried again.
"You blame me as well, don't you, for all of this."
"Thinking about it", she finally said, her voice barely audible beneath the sound of crashing waves and flapping sails, "if you hadn't enacted that stupid stone of yours then we wouldn't have been distracted and Henry would be safe. So yeah, I blame you too."
It was a low blow, one I had asked for.
"I enacted that stone because you all were disregarding me, and I could never ever gain your compassion or understanding..."
"I was trying to understand you!" she exclaimed, her hair flying in the wind. "I was giving you so many chances and yet it came to you wanting to take a fucking bean and escape with my son."
"That's..."
"I thought you were changing for the better", she said cutting me off, turning to glare in the distance, "I actually thought I could trust you."
"Just as I was delusional to think that you'd stop calling him your son and realize that he belongs to both of us."
"Well he doesn't belong to any of us now, does he?" she asked, turning to watch me, her eyes red, "where the hell is he whilst you and I are having this senseless conversation?"
"I can see you're upset, so I'll take my leave now", I said, feeling no need to retort but having my chest heave with pain as tears filled my stinging eyes. And I turned on my heels, stepping away from her.
"Yeah because why would you even try to comfort me or understand me anyway?" she asked and I stopped. "Obviously none of you care about how this affects me."
Now she was staring at me with wide eyes, shocked with tear stains around her eyes, the very sight of them saddening me. How I yearned to reach out and erase them with my thumb, but gathering composure, I resisted, dreading the result had I done such a thing. Such was the situation at hand,
There were so many things I wanted to say to her, and do. I want to run forth and embrace her, yet my expertise in composure fought back and I merely stepped towards her once more, closing the distance, my eyes moist with tears.
"Emma, I am deeply hurt at your words, accusing me of not caring at all", I said to her, and she turned to look at me, considering me with conflicted eyes.
"Just leave me alone", she said in a small voice and turned away, her back to me as she continued to glare out in the distance.
And I did leave her alone, departing after a few seconds had elapsed for I was not prepared to thread murky waters that was simmering with anger. I'd try to push in at a much more appropriate time, perhaps that would present itself in Neverland.
When Emma had been lifted unto the ship again after jumping, and she was lying on the wet deck in front of me between her parents, I became so devastated that my heart almost shattered into pieces. I remembered watching at her, an ache in my heart as I did because it suddenly dawned on me that she could be dead. This could be the end of her and this could be the end of me too. Gazing at her, every single memorable moment we shared flashed before my eyes as wind and water whipped against and around me. When I had met her, when our eyes did meet, the intent gaze, inviting her in for drinks when I should have been furious at her, all the way leading up to the destruction of the stone.
Drastic events really make you realize how you could lose the one you love within a few seconds. It made me realize that she had jumped off the ship and I had only gotten a few seconds to look at her before she did. That could have been the last I would see of her. That could have been all there ever was.
And she made me so furious.
She was still weak from having her lungs pushed to breaking point when my eyes moved to follow her descending below deck. And after selfishly committing such a foolish act of jumping overboard just for our safety, it pushed me to the ultimate limit of composure. Clenching my fists, my hair sprayed with sea salt and feeling as sickly as possible, I stalked after her, knowing that they all watched me as I did.
The cabin was small but she had chosen to step further down where we had been told was the selected place to sleep. So naturally, this was my first time below deck because sleep was not something needing on my behalf when Henry's life was in danger. And I descended the steps, my hands gripping the dank wood as I went, until I was standing within the same space as her, emerald eyes meeting mine as she sat upon the bunk, her shoulders hunched.
"Why the hell did you jump?" I asked sternly, my fists still remaining clenched at my sides.
"I'm fine but a bit shaken still, thank you for asking."
"You fool", I said angrily, anger flickering within my chest, "you could have died..."
"I saved your life", she stated, her eyes fixated on mine, "you should be thanking me instead of calling me a fool but then again, that's you, the inconsiderate one."
"Thanking you?" I asked, moving further into the room, closing the distance between us, "Miss Swan, what you just did..."
"Listen lady", she said cutting me off, and rising from the bed, her eyes flaring, "I don't see how me jumping would affect you anyway, so just shove it..." and in a flash, Emma snatched up a wooden box of some sorts then flung it across the room, the lid breaking off its hinges as it smashed against the wall.
"Emma…" I began but she was blinded by rage, and suddenly, I regretted insulting her, retreating down here to somehow prove something that I should have anticipated would sour our relationship more.
"I jump off a ship", she began, never looking at me, "whilst all of you were so caught up in rage, I chose to do something about it, to risk my life in the process, and everything stopped, all the chaos you…were creating stopped", and she now chose to glare at me, "and you come down here, calling me a fool."
"I overreacted", I confessed, lowering my eyes, and moving my hands about in front of me, "Emma…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have insulted you like that."
"What the hell is wrong with you, Regina?" she asked now, watching me, "you always seem to want to have a go at me, as if somehow I'm your punching bag and now you're saying you're sorry?"
"I was just worried about you", I said in a strained voice, my eyes fixated on hers, "we're supposed to be in this together, and what you did…"
The tension between us was building up slowly, more from my side of the room, yet what I could only do was to stand right where I was and prepare myself for the inevitable.
"Suddenly you care?" she asked, and winced just after attempting to roll her shoulders backwards, squeezing her eyes shut as the obvious knots of pain within her back tightened.
"Well our son did make me promise that I would somehow keep you from danger", I said absentmindedly, my eyes resting upon her shoulders as I wondered how serious the damage was.
"You're going to stand there and tell me that Henry made you promise to protect me or something", she said in disbelief.
"He did just that…are you in pain?" I asked and frowned, then the ship jolted suddenly, forcing me to gather my balance.
"I…" she blinked several times then moved her shoulders again, but this time the pain was quite intense for she clutched at her right shoulder, and I stepped forward quickly, worry in my eyes.
"Let me have a look at that", I offered, reaching out to rest a hand upon hers. And within a span of seconds when our eyes met, I believe we searched from deep within one another for some form of trust, both of us winning in the end, for she suddenly relaxed under my touch, whilst I initiated a whirlwind of emotion within myself.
"Um…" and she moved slightly on the spot, stepping sideways, her eyes on me, "you're going to use magic?"
"If you prefer me not to…"
"No, I'm just wondering if it has any…you know…" and she shrugged, hanging her head, "side effects."
"Side effects like what exactly?" I asked, searching her eyes.
"I don't know…vomiting, headaches, fever…" and she smiled amusingly at me.
"You never cease to amaze me, Miss Swan."
"Someone's got to do it", she offered and for a moment in time, I chose to gaze at her intently, searching her eyes. But catching myself quickly, I chose to divert my eyes as she considered me with a smile.
Stepping behind her so that our eyes would not succeed in meeting as frequently as possible, I bought time in surveying the exposed skin around her shoulders. And when my eyes traveled over the slight bruising across her smooth skin, by impulse my right hand lifted and before my fingers could attempt contact, I cleared my throat.
"There are bruises", I stated quietly, "maybe I can…"
"By all means…" she said in front of me.
"But…is it alright if I…" and I allowed my fingers to whisper against her bruised skin.
"Touch me?" she asked, and swiveled her head around to watch me with an amused expression, "we're both women here, it's not like if you're some guy who's trying to take advantage."
Yes her words did have an impact on me for she had chosen to make the definite comparison between me being a woman as opposed to a man. In addition to that, my heart did ache from her somehow believing nothing could arise from a situation involving two women. However, I decided to pass it over, letting her words not succeed in having a major effect on me.
And I allowed my hands to make contact with her shoulders, gently guiding my magic through the steadiness of my palms as I moved them along her upper back. Yet I could not help myself from shuddering as I touched her like this for the first time, almost too intimately for me to bear. Her skin was incredibly soft and smooth to the touch, the warmth from within her body radiating unto my skin gradually. So the process required all the strength I could gather up, all the composure I could spare, yet it proceeded to a point where when she suddenly reached behind her, fingers attempting to move her tank top upwards, I forgot how to breathe. Clearly this was more than I had bargained for, because there had always been some want of evidence from my side as if I was seriously attracted to her, or perhaps it was a guilty desire to want someone.
Because of my touch, Emma became tense at first but gradually relaxed, her head slowly tilting to the right as I attempted to heal her. But the worst part of it all was the reaction she was enacting within me when I could clearly feel her change in body language for as much as she appeared to be in need of my healing, it only contributed to me becoming lost in a trance of my own, wanting to do so much more to her, captivated by the moment.
Yet now as she urged me on to heal the knots in her back, I couldn't help but become consumed with nerves and passion. So believing I'd shatter very soon and make a sudden rash advancement of affection upon her, I chose to move my hand away as quickly as possible, declaring that the process was complete.
"Already?" she asked in surprise. And I stepped from behind her, my eyes never meeting hers.
"Yes", I said reaching up to tuck my hair behind an ear and noticing that the nerves in my hand were twitching. "That should do the trick."
"It feels…" and she rolled her shoulders once more, smiling, "great actually, no pain. Thanks, that's a…wonderful power of yours."
"Well not everything about my magic is terrible as your mother believes", I noted.
"Look, don't worry about her and her constant nagging", and she smiled, yet I could not return one because I was fluttering still from guilty desires, "even I want to shut her up sometimes."
And we parted on good terms that night, only to have her anger me the following day giving into the Pirate's advances. I was in need of fresh air that morning, whatever time of the day it was, I believe it was nearing midday for the sun's position was accurate. So there I stepped onto the exposed deck, reaching up to shade my eyes from the glare of the sun, and using another hand to keep my hair from whipping me in the face.
As I stood there gazing towards our shadowy destination, wondering what Henry was doing, Hook's voice captured my attention and I turned this way and that, my eyes darting about to locate him. Yet he could not be seen. Choosing to ignore whatever the situation was, I pinpointed a spot then made my way there, wrapping my arms around me as the ship eased forward through smooth waters.
"Come now…don't tease me."
I spun around, my eyes scrutinizing the area about me with such an intensifying gaze that my eyes burnt from such concentration. Clearly he was not alone. Or maybe the fool was demented enough to resort to carrying on a conversation with himself.
"I for one don't tease, Hook", came her voice and I immediately registered her being in his company, the very thought succeeding in hurting me.
"We're alone now, I don't see why you can't admit it."
"Admit what exactly?" she asked.
I chose to stand there as my heart ached terribly, only imagining what their intentions were. So she preferred the company of a teasing man. I'd show him the other side of me. Clenching my fists, my hands hanging at my sides, I strode forth as a giggle ensued from behind the cabin, fury consuming me as I did. And when I stalked into the small structure, my eyes traveled around the area within, yet I could not locate them. Choosing to glance around, I immediately caught a glimpse of the sun catching her blonde hair outside, and without thinking, I directed my steps towards her.
She was just taking a sip from his flask of alcohol, the gesture on her behalf only sickening me because clearly she had no idea where that thing had been. When her eyes met mine, I didn't even try to hide my astonishment.
"Regina…" she began, her eyes wide.
"Miss Swan, are you consuming alcohol?" I asked, eyeing the flask then I directed my glare at Hook.
"I…" and she fumbled for words, and then chose to hand the flask back, appearing bashful.
"What? Are you going to save Henry by drinking your way into a stupor?"
"I just sipped!"
"You have no idea where that…" and I gestured towards the flask in Hook's hand, "thing was…and yet you sipped from its mouth."
"Wherever I put my mouth, I really don't think it concerns you", she said with a hint of anger in her tone, and Hook snorted.
"You find this funny?" I asked, ignoring her words because had I taken them too seriously, I would be blushing my way towards embarrassment. "You idiot. You're supposed to be manning this ship of yours, not drinking. I'm beginning to second guess your intentions here."
He considered me with a cocky smile, "relax, my hot headed Queen. Everything is under control." And he raised the flask, sipping from it once more.
"I don't believe this", I said in disbelief, "we have placed the safety of our lives in the hands of a drunkard."
"Regina, stop getting so worked up", she urged, considering me with reassuring eyes, "everything's okay for now."
"Nothing is okay until I have my son back", I reminded her, in a clipped tone.
"We're not even there yet", she stated, the want of sleep showing around her emerald eyes. "Besides, I really need to relax, or else I might just crack or something."
"Relaxing in the company of a delirious pirate", I said watching her with hard eyes, "I figure you'd choose better companionship than…him." And I gestured towards Hook, who stood there with this expression of disbelief on his chiseled face.
The sun was becoming as scorching as ever, biting into the back of my neck and engulfing me within a blanket of severe heat. Now I gently tugged at the collar of my coat, debating on if to slip it off.
"The Queen seems to desire your company, Swan", Hook declared smiling, and he lifted his flask up to the sky, "and who am I to stand in the way?"
My heart felt as if it was being tugged when he said that, and for a moment I hung unto his words, my eyes meeting Emma's. To be honest, that was exactly my guilty intention: to have her part ways with him and accompany me instead. As much as I desired to deny it via expressions on my face, the want was inevitable. For her to talk to me, to be with me, that was what I wanted more than ever as I stood there.
"That's…ridiculous", Emma said in disbelief and she glanced away, "the only time she ever wants me alone for herself is to somehow sass me up."
"That was never my intention", I stated, hiding nothing.
"So you actually want to talk to me alone?" she asked, as if it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. And it severely hurt me to a point where my eyes began to sting with tears.
"No…" I said quietly, and I blinked quickly, looking away, "because I'd hate to separate you from a situation you seem to be enjoying."
"Hook…we were just talking", she stated, "if you want to talk…"
"Alert me when we are nearing shore", I chose to say, looking into the Pirate's eyes, hugging myself as I did, and after that, I turned on my heels then departed their company, the corners of my eyes wetting with tears.
"What's her problem?" Emma asked behind me quietly, and their eyes bore into my back, I allowed a rage to consume me, for she obviously had no idea how terrible this was on my behalf, yet she constantly chose to ridicule me when clearly I was trying so hard to be nice to her. "Maybe it's that time of the month."
The words stung me, and I stopped near the cabin's door, fury capturing my tongue for my only desire was to spin around, stalk towards her and slap some sense into her wretched soul. Yet with every harsh word I conjured up, the pain within my heart tightened and I bit back my words, noticing that Snow was sitting within the room by herself.
As desperate as I was, I would not resort to that, however, when our eyes met, she chose to widen hers and I stepped forth, bracing myself for her usual selfish insults.
"Regina…" she said quietly, yet in a firm voice and I immediately kept my eyes on her, anticipating whatever it was she had to say to me, "we need to talk."
"About…?" I asked as I searched her dark eyes.
"Oh don't make me spell it out for you out loud", she stated, considering me with frustration. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"You've lost your unicorn stickers and you're in need of rainbow kisses?" I asked, smirking and anger flashed in her eyes, yet the fury disappeared within seconds. "I didn't steal them."
"Regina, come sit here", and she patted the wooden chair next to her, her eyes lowered bashfully.
"And why would I do that?" I asked stubbornly, watching her with curious eyes.
"Because if you don't and you'd rather me shout it out for her to hear, then I will be more than happy to do that."
Immediately my eyes widened and the quickening of my heart beat was evident, shock engulfing me as I stood before her with my hands in my pockets. And I swallowed nervously, wondering if I was clearly delusional to believe what I suspected she had in mind or if such was the case indeed that she had discovered more than I had desired.
"What is this about?" I asked, clearing my throat as I stepped tentatively towards her, eyeing the chair, and after a moment of debating, I sat down upon it, bracing myself for what was to come.
"I see the way you look at her", she begun, and her eyes glanced over at me, hand clasped in her lap, and her right heel began to tap nervously on the floorboard.
"Who are we..."
"Emma…" she stated, gazing at me with wide eyes, "Regina, ever since we came back through the portal, ever since you drained your magic, I saw something in your eyes since that day. And it slipped my mind after everything that's happened after that. But the moment we went back to get you in the mine and…when Emma said that she thought the two of you…combined…could destroy the stone together, what I saw in your eyes…I remember that look from so, so long ago. That's the same way you looked at…I stood there watching the two of you and I knew there was something familiar about that look on your face."
As much as I tried to gather up anger and vent such emotions her way when she mentioned Daniel, I couldn't muster up enough energy to attack her because the words escaping from her lips were clearly effective.
"Regina, you're in love with my daughter, aren't you?" she asked, turning to gaze at me now, and my breath caught in my throat.
"I don't know what you're talking about…"
"Stop it", she said forcefully, and worry stung her eyes, "I thought I was the only one that noticed, but David does too. And ever since this journey began, you just can't hide it anymore. I see…"
"It's not the first time you'd both succeed in being delusional", I declared and scoffed, trying to hide behind a lie.
"You really want to do this, to deny the truth?"
"Well I have no choice do I?" I asked angrily, and suddenly emotions consumed me, forcing frustration out from within, and tears stung my eyes as I lowered them to the floor, never wanting to look at her.
"Regina, have you told Emma?" she asked quietly, and the mere fact that she never chose to judge me harshly forced me to become overwhelmed by shock, lifting my eyes to gaze at her with my eyes wide.
"You…you're not going to lash out at me?" I asked, searching her eyes. "Ask me why I'm doing such a thing, what are my motives?"
"Of course not", she said allowing a small smile to cross her lips, "why would I do that?"
"I am in love with your daughter, and you have no problem with that", I stated, watching her.
"See? I just got you to admit it", and she appeared shocked, "how could you let this happen? Out of all the people we know…"
"I know many things", I said firmly, becoming furious that she'd believe such a ridiculous tale, "but one thing I am sure of is that you cannot help yourself from falling in love with someone."
"That's…that's true but, she…I don't think she feels the same. She's just lost Neal and you see how that's affecting her, so she's still grieving for him."
"And you don't think I know that?" I asked furiously, the very thought of Henry's father upsetting me, because he had abandoned Emma yet everyone was quick to give him second chances whilst I only wanted just one. "I get the fact that she's hurting, I know that. And I know what I feel for her, it can never…develop the way I desire it to, but I can't help what I feel."
"It might not happen the way you want it to, but at least you can direct your love for her in some other way", and she shrugged.
"And exactly how would I ever do that?" I asked, watching her with curious eyes.
"Stop fighting with her and be her friend, just…stop picking arguments with her, and be nice for a change."
Suddenly I became too suspicious of her motives and my eyes narrowed as I considered her. Because really, why would she abruptly choose to be this considerate? After all we've been through, Snow actually sounded as if she deeply cared, and wanted to help.
"Why do I get the feeling that this is a trap you're building up for me?" I asked of her, searching her eyes.
"What harm could come out of anything I've just told you?" she asked in disbelief, "I'm fed up of fighting, I've told you that. And now that we both know the situation of my heart, I would believe that I'd try to help in some way, even if it means forgetting everything about the past and making something happen. Emma might not ever return your feelings, Regina, but she really, really needs a friend. And since she's walked into our lives, you and I both, I've realized that the two of you have so much in common, meaning that you'd make great friends if…you…just…try."
"You must tell her none of this", I begged, pleading with my eyes, "not a word of this must be spoken to her because if you tell her, I swear…"
"Oh save it", she said cutting me off, and she sighed. "Just follow your heart, I'm not saying I object to the two of you…but whatever happens, happens. I have no control over my daughter's life anymore. She's old enough to make her own decisions. Just know though, that if you ever hurt her, I will not accept it."
The ship lurched forward as we sat there, and she suddenly appeared at the doorway, her eyes meeting mine but briefly.
"We're almost there", she said breathless, smiling as well.
And I considered her with hurt eyes, my gaze resting upon her face.
Oh Emma, I thought as she suddenly chose to gaze back at me, searching my eyes, can't you see how much I am in love with you?
We were trekking through the forest now, as night fell around us and I was growing extremely tired. Apart from that, this search for Tinkerbell, this belief that she'd help us all, I was all against it. It clearly was not the way to venture into things. So after Emma and I had that discussion about us using our magic together and she denied my request, I chose to intentionally keep distance between us, always choosing to walk at the back of the party whenever needed. Yet whenever I lagged behind, she would always stop to seek out my assistance, enquiring after my health.
"You want to rest or something?" she'd ask and I'd merely shake my head, dreading the anticipated meeting with Tinkerbell.
Yet now as we ventured forth with Hook leading the way, I noticed that Emma began to lag behind instead of me. And glancing back at her, my heartstrings were tugged at when she just stood there, hanging her head as she gazed at her boots. Everyone else continued ahead yet she had stopped, and I did too by reflex.
"Snow…" I called after her and up ahead she stopped, glancing back, "stop, for a moment." And I stepped tentatively towards Emma, her eyes lowered, "hey, are you alright?"
"Yeah", she lied, avoiding my eyes, "just tired."
"Let's stop then", I offered, considering her with worried eyes.
"What's going on?" Snow asked now as she came to stand next to me, worry in her eyes as well, "Emma?"
"I believe she's exhausted", I informed her, and suddenly I realized that for the first time in a long while, I was actually worrying openly about Emma.
"Let's stop then, and we can set up camp somewhere close", Snow stated in her motherly voice, quite firmly.
"No, let's go on", Emma said quietly, "we need to find Henry. I can…"
"No", I said firmly, and I glanced at Snow who considered me with direct eyes, nodding in Emma's direction, "I…"
"I'll go tell the others", Snow began quietly and I felt a hand touch my arm, then she was considering me with assuring eyes as she leaned in, "stay with her."
"But…" I began and I was given a glare, so after watching Snow return to Charming and Hook, her voice lowered to whispers as she informed them of our rest in trekking, I glanced back at Emma as she reached up to run her fingers through her hair.
An hour later, there I stood watching her, bracing my back against a tree, one boot up resting against the trunk. And with my hands deep in my coat pockets, my eyes intensely gazed at her as she stood by herself, studying a fingernail whilst everyone else settled in, no one considering the fact that she was the one who had declared her exhaustion only to have us cease trekking.
How naïve could a pack of inconsiderate people get?
The moment I took to study Emma with my eyes is the very moment when I realized how much I loved her. It wasn't the fact that I had never known such a thing, but as my eyes rested on her, I suddenly felt so captured by her beauty and her determination. Perhaps it was the fact that she was so manly in her attitude, or maybe it was the idea of her being a lost soul as she had discovered and I believed I could save her just as she'd do the same to me.
The Savior and the Queen.
Was this what it had come to? How was it possible that such a situation had presented itself before me? The fact that I had procured a baby many years ago, only to have him be found out as her son, and she ended up being the child of the one person I hated the most. Was that destiny? We shared one person that meant so much to us and because of that, it had drawn me to her, to realize that the connection we had was the very reason why I loved her so much.
I loved Henry and she's his mother.
But something was evidently on her mind, tormenting her above everything else and I just felt that I needed to seek it out and erase it if I could. So moving from the tree, I gathered my thoughts, composure and all, then I stepped towards her, my eyes glancing towards Snow and Charming as they snuggled comfortably closer to each other. And it sickened me. True love.
She never looked in my direction as I approached her, and the smile I had forced unto my face, the one that never met my eyes, I allowed such an expression to be removed.
"Emma…" I began.
"Hmm?" and she now lifted her head to consider me, those emerald eyes.
"I…" and I decided to progress slower into this, "why aren't you resting?"
She shrugged, "you know the times when you're so tired that you can't sleep?"
Many nights I had been tormented by that same experience, reading being my only companion for hours on end.
"Yes, in fact I do."
"Well, I'm so tired, I can't even close my eyes. I just did it mainly for everyone else, because I know you're all tired, so…"
It brought out a reaction in me, a sudden disbelief at her choosing to consider the situation of others so effortlessly. And because of that, I could not help myself when I gazed at her with intense eyes.
"That is so considerate of you", I found myself saying quietly and when I did, Emma chose to look at me with a flicker of confusion in her eyes, the very same pair of eyes attempting to search mine for answers.
"I…" and she stopped, "did you just compliment me?"
"Why?" and I was taken aback, smirking, "am I that insulting?"
"It's just that…you're not the type to actually spare a few kind words, you know, like…I care, or I'm worried or you're beautiful beyond words…"
"Let's take a walk", I offered, smiling at her word, and I gestured down the pathway into the forest, my eyes fixated on hers.
She considered me for quite some time then agreed, and we began to step away from the clearing side by side. I must admit that the feelings inside my chest were overwhelming to be alone with her like this, for it provided me with an opportunity to just speak to her alone. There were so many things I wanted to say to her, yet I had no idea where to start. In fact being near her was captivating. The smell of her hair, and the lingering scent of sweat mixed with sea water. Her toned arms and manly stance, how she strode forth without grace but with hard eyes. And as I thought of these things, passion grew within me, and my eyes constantly kept flickering to rest upon her as we walked silently for a while.
"You know", I began, deciding to initiate the conversation, butterflies fluttering about in my chest, "I understand that you're grieving…for…" and I decided not to say his name in fear of sparking some emotion within her, "Henry's father. But you just need to let it all out, Emma. You can't just…hold it inside of you."
And she said nothing as we walked.
"I see how you're hurting", I stated, watching her intently. "And it reminds me of when I lost love many, many years ago. Yet I never chose to move on from that point in my life. I just chose to remain in that exact moment and look how I became: consumed with anger, rage…"
"I'm not exactly the type to like…you know…cry hysterically", she admitted. "Hey though, thanks for noticing and caring, because my parents, they're just…pitying me."
"See?" I asked smiling at her, "I am caring."
"Yeah", and she smiled, "actually, since we left Storybrooke, you've kinda changed a lot, or maybe it was after Mendell and the mine scene…"
"Being strapped to a bed and electrocuted repeatedly…"
"Geez", she said quietly and turned to watch me with worried eyes, "Regina, that must have been terrible. When we find Mendell, I want to watch as you rip his heart out and crush it."
"Really?" I asked, smirking in her direction, "you want to be my accomplice in crime now, Sheriff?"
"Oh I believe in justice, but what that asshole did to you, to us, he needs to feel pain and die."
I chose to remain silent for she was igniting the evil side of me, and to contribute to the topic further would force me to speak of ideas that would torment her in sleep.
"Anyway, so…things like love and stuff, it's like, I suddenly don't know who to trust anymore. Neal, Tamara is his new girlfriend…was…" and she stopped, then breathed in, composing herself, "and it's like, she didn't hesitate to shoot him, Regina. I mean, she used him. She and Mendell, they were in this together from the beginning. So it's like, you think you know people, and then they just fuck you up, sorry for the bad language."
She had just opened up herself so much to me that I clearly was wide eyed with disbelief, and I stopped walking only to gaze upon her with worried eyes.
"Well we've fucked up each other many times before", I said with ease and she turned to stare wide eyed at me for using such language. "But we still end up speaking."
"Did you just use the 'f' word?" she asked in disbelief.
I smirked at her.
"So love is messed up, and the more I keep thinking about Henry and the ten year lapse, that's why I used to fight with you over him, because I feel guilty as ever."
Surely we weren't opening up to each other in this way as of now right?
"If it weren't for you", I chose to say quietly, "then I would never have been able to have a son in the first place, dear."
Seconds elapsed between us as we stood there until she turned to me with an amused expression on her face, considering me with her emerald eyes.
"Before I forget, why the hell would you even think Hook is my boyfriend?"
I was taken aback by the question so an answer wasn't anticipated or prepared on my behalf.
"Because he is?" I chose to say, yet I was fishing for information.
"I spend time with a man and you all assume he's my bed buddy", and she threw up her hands in disbelief.
"So you're sleeping with him as well? Is hygiene a concern of yours, Miss Swan because you never hesitate to sip from such a filthy flask that belongs to him and…"
"Regina, I am not…look at my lips as they move", and she pointed, her eyes wide, "I am not sleeping with Hook."
"But you never denied him being your boyfriend", I pressed on.
"He is not my boyfriend! He is a friend…"
"That's a man, so he is your man friend?"
"This conversation is not happening", and I chose to smirk at her, tilting my head to one side, "why are you so affected by this anyway? I mean, if you want him, you can so have him."
"Why on earth would I want such a man?" I asked in disbelief.
"Then why be so affected about it?"
"Because he's…" and I stopped, gathering words, yet emotion pinched my throat tightly, "he's not right for you. I have known this man for a long time, and he isn't…"
"Suddenly you're really caring for me so much that I'm wondering if you're really Regina", and without answering her, I chose to walk to stand near a tree, bracing my back against the cool trunk as I watched her instead.
The wind rushed in around us, whipping our hair around our faces and for a moment in time, Emma appeared like an angel before me within the pale lighting of the moonlight above us.
"Hook is not top priority for me right now, because really, I'm not ready to love anyone for that matter", she said diverting her eyes away from where I stood.
"Not even me?" I asked quietly.
A few seconds passed between us as she stared at me wide eyes and in bewilderment. And in that moment, I wanted to just disappear on the spot. But that would be cowardly of me.
"What?"
I was trembling with nerves as I stood with distance between us, my gaze never faltering.
"I…would you ever consider loving me as more than friends?" I asked, choosing my words carefully. "Because Emma…" and I stepped away from the tree, removing my boot from its trunk and then I approached her tentatively, "Emma…there came a moment in time just before, when you…" I closed the distance between us, and she never stepped back but stood her ground, her eyes wide, "you bewitched me, captivated my heart. And I would like…" my hands were lifted, shaky hands and then I allowed my fingers to whisper against her cheeks in the moonlight, "would you ever give me a chance to love you?"
"Regina…"
"Please, I would like to know just that", I pleaded in a strained voice, my throat closing up as I gazed at her.
"I…Regina…I…" and then she stopped, swallowing hard.
"Please Emma", I said in a worried voice, "there was a time before when you left me hanging on just those two words, when I was preparing myself to die. Don't do that to me again."
"Are you…serious?" she asked, searching my eyes, "is this a joke because…"
"I don't joke about affairs of my heart", I stated quietly.
"But Regina…of all the people you know…why choose to fall for me? Why not someone else?"
"I don't believe I chose to love you", I said, fluttering with nerves still, our bodies inches apart, "you never fall in love by choice, just as I fell in love with you."
The wind whispered around us once more, moving through the trees above and around us, and I felt a chill that was instantly warmed by her emerald eyes.
"But I'm not gay", she stated, considering me with confused eyes.
"Neither was I…" I admitted, and I stepped closer to her, my eyes moist with tears now, hot tears because that one line threatened to destroy me yet I chose to compose myself and hold on with force, "neither was I until I met you."
"Regina…do you know what you're saying to me?" she asked quietly, her eyes moving down to my lips as she spoke, and it only warranted me to anticipate what I most desired. "We're both women, you're…"
"So if I were a man as Hook is, then you would have not hesitated in kissing me", I stated, gazing intently at her, my eyes now filling with tears, one choosing to move down my face.
"My parents…"
"This does not concern them", I said reaching out to take her hands between my fingers and squeezing, yet my hands were becoming sweaty and before I used to be embarrassed by such a reaction but now I had no consideration for it. "This concerns just you and me."
She was looking down, just when I chose to squeeze her fingertips gently and one hand was pulled out of my grasp. Her eyes never met mine in that instant.
"Emma…"
"I can't…we're here to find Henry, and I…Neal…"
"Henry wouldn't mind", I said hoarsely, and I reached up to caress her face, moving my fingers down the side of her face and tucking strands of her hair behind her left ear as I gazed at her intently, "Neal…I can help you move on."
"It's too soon. I'm just not into women..."
"I never was either until I realized that above any man, I'd rather spend the rest of my life with…you, loving you and changing everything in my life to just to make you happy."
"I'm sorry…" she chose to say, and tears drained down my cheeks like a river.
I just had to do it. I knew I needed to so moving in, I caught her by surprise as my lips met hers, soft and surprising. And then I kissed her softly, never parting hers but just a deep kiss. And I snaked my arms around her waist, feeling her warmth as my eyes stung from tears that stained her cheeks too…my tears. Then even when I parted her lips and kissed her deeply, yet without experience, she never returned my kiss fully but her lips began to move over mine, her eyes closed as she stopped breathing. And her body was tense, then gradually as my palms moved up her back, Emma relaxed. The moment was complete bliss for me, something I had wanted maybe forever. It was a breathless kiss, quite unlike any other I had ever had, because it filled me up with hope and passion. It consumed me and she captivated me mind, body and soul.
But I knew I had to end it all because she had stopped moving against me.
Breaking the kiss, my eyes fluttering as tears ran down my cheeks like a river, I stepped away from her, releasing my hands from around her, my gaze never faltering. And then within those few seconds that we watched each other, I tried to plead with my eyes for her to accept and understand me, to seek out any mutual acceptance. But I was so consumed by emotion that none was detected.
So I chose to turn on my heels, and with my hands pushed in my pockets, I walked away. And as I created distance between us, sobbing uncontrollably, I realized that she might never ever love me the same way I loved her. She might never ever see me the same again. I must have ruined everything.
And there might be a chance that Emma might never ever speak to me again.
In other words, I had taken a risk and now I was left with an aching heart, twice the hurt as before.
PLEASE REVIEW!? Should I continue this based on the rest of the journey in Neverland? FOLLOW because I really want to continue this and let me know if I should!