Batman vs George RR Martin
Summary: The dark knight faces literacy's greatest mass murderer.
Warning: Although this story contains no actual, specific spoilers for either the Game of Thrones TV show or the A Song of Ice and Fire Series, there are a lot of vague warnings and references to fan theories that haven't been proven or unproven. Read at your own risk.
The two vigilantes stood silhouetted by the moonlight, silently watching over the bustle of Gotham City. They stood amongst the gargoyles and archaic building, observing the latest psychopath to terrorise the city.
Finally, Nightwing spoke. "Are you freaking kidding me?" He said in disbelief. "You can't be serious – we're facing him?"
Of course, it was a stupid question. He was talking to Batman. Batman was always serious.
Still, a keen observer might notice that, beneath the cowl, Bruce Wayne was frowning even more than usual. As well as that, Batman stuck more to the shadows than he ever did, suggesting that, perhaps, the caped crusader was, well, embarrassed to be here.
On one hand, the bat-signal was shining brightly, and Gotham City Hall had technically been taken hostage. Batman was the resident vigilante, and so it was his duty to be here.
But then again, their "supervillain" was a middle-aged, slightly overweight man that was dressed up in a bright, colourful patchwork quilt and calling himself the "Crazy Quilt". He had taken the City Hall hostage by draping it in a fifty foot, patchwork tapestry, and was currently spitting at anybody who tried to move him.
The police were present, and had set up a barricade, but nobody had forced the Crazy Quilt away because: 1- Nobody could decide if redecorating the City Hall on a hideous scale was actually a crime, and 2- None of the police officers wanted anything to do him. Several times, when chasing the police away, the Crazy Quilt had revealed that he was wearing nothing underneath the quilt.
Batman was convinced the Commissioner Gordon had lit up the bat-signal simply as revenge after the dark knight had abandoned him to clean up Clayface's mess by himself.
"I mean, I lead the Teen Titans," Nightwing continued with despair. "You're in the Justice League. We fight intergalactic, psychotic supervillains on a daily basis. How come whenever we're working in Gotham we've got to deal with the… crazy ones?"
Batman was grinding his teeth now. For all he appeared aloof, he had a reputation to consider. He could just image his standing as the knight of vengeance going out the window once the tabloids caught him wrestling with a semi-naked, crazy man with an obsession for quilts.
Below, on the street, the Crazy Quilt was now ranting about how he was the future of Gotham. Apparently, the future was flamboyant to the point of being unsettling.
There were times when Batman really, really hated Gotham. Superman doesn't have to deal with stuff like this, he thought miserably; perhaps we could trade cities…
After a few seconds, Batman made a decision. He pulled out a tool from his utility belt, and quickly launched a sleeping canister down at Crazy Quilt. He was already rushing away.
"Move, now!" Batman ordered. "Before anybody sees us!"
Nightwing laughed all the way back to the Bat-cave.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Bruce Wayne slouched in his bat-chair in front of the bat-computer, slowly taking a zip of his bat-mug before putting it down on his bat-coaster. He was in an exceedingly bad mood, as he looked through the database of Arkham Asylum inmates.
"It's been two weeks!" He said finally, slamming his fist down on his bat-desk. "It's been two weeks since any of them have escaped."
"It seems like the new security measures are working, sir." Alfred replied carefully, sorting out the pile of bat-trinkets littered around cave.
That seemed to make Bruce even more annoyed. He went over the list again, and then searched through the records of the police department. He was desperate to find some grizzly murder, some inexplicable death, or some intricate conspiracy that could keep him busy.
After half an hour of fruitless searching, he groaned and kicked the bat-table with frustration. With a few angry clicks, he pulled up a large mug-shot of the Joker, his arch-nemesis, just to give him something to glare at. The Joker seemed to be laughing at him more than ever.
"Three months, Alfred," Bruce said with clear annoyance. "It's been three months since he's escaped. What the hell is he doing in Arkham?"
"Perhaps he's receiving psychiatric treatment, sir."
"But there's no crime!" He exclaimed with despair. "Even the Justice League is quiet. It's the summer; nobody wants a team up and the nights are too short to patrol for very long. What am I meant to do?"
"Well, I understand there's a charity ball for the Gotham Society Homeless Association." Alfred said carefully. "Also, there is the annual shareholder meeting coming up, and Lucius believes that your presence may prove very beneficial…"
Bruce scoffed. Alfred sighed. Bruce Wayne had always considered anytime when he wasn't dressed as a giant bat to be wasted.
Alfred hated when Bruce got like this. He could have very… difficult personality at times.
"If you must take your mind off matters," Alfred offered, "Then I do have a book you could read. It's quite good."
The butler hustled away and quickly brought back a large, heavy paperback book, distinctly titled "A Game of Thrones". There should have been dramatic lightning at that moment.
Bruce raised an eyebrow. "A fantasy novel?" He said dismissively. "I don't think I'm that desperate."
The butler brightened up. "Well, if it's not too much trouble, I would always appreciate help in clearing out the bat-poop from the cave."
Batman quickly took the book from Alfred. "But I suppose I'll give it a try." He said rapidly.
Alfred's shoulder's dropped as he put on his heavy leathers gloves and walked away. "Of course not; the billionaire isn't going to get his hands dirty…" The butler grumbled under his breath.
Meanwhile, Batman settled into his chair, and began to read.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Two days later…
"Hey, Jeeves." Dick called friendlily as he ran through the stately manor, dragging mud through the mansion. At this point, Alfred knew it was pointless to complain.
"Greetings, Master Grayson." Alfred replied, who was busy washing down the walls. "Eventful day?"
"Nah, but I've got a date with Starfire to prepare for." Dick grinned a supermodel smile. "I'm going to borrow the Jaguar. Say, have you dry-cleaned my Armani suit yet?"
"Not yet, Master Grayson. I've been busy."
"Oh that's ok, don't worry about it." He said happily, while walking away into the kitchen. "There's still a few hours before I need it."
It would have taken super-hearing to hear Alfred's barely distinguishable sigh.
"Say, Alfred," Dick continued, walking back through the hallway. "Do you think anything's been wrong with Bruce lately?"
Alfred paused several seconds. "Is this a trick question?" He said finally.
Dick shook his head. "No, I mean he hasn't left the Bat-cave for the last forty-eight hours." Dick explained. "Also, he sent me out to buy this."
The superhero revealed a heavy book, entitled "A Clash of Kings". Alfred suddenly looked worried.
"Oh no." He muttered his breath.
Dick was concerned now. "Is it bad?"
"Very." Alfred looked uncomfortable. "You see… you might have noticed… Master Wayne does have something of a… obsessive personality…"
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Three days later…
"Everybody form up!" Superman called loudly at the ensembled superheroes. "The Injustice League has taken the nuclear facility hostage! We've got to rescue the scientists and stop them before the fission reactor turns critical!"
"Flash and I will attack from the back," Green Lantern volunteered.
"Ok, but watch out; there are some serious heavy hitters holed up in there." Superman cautioned. "We're dealing with Amazo and Bizarro to say the least, so be careful. Diana and I will take provide heavy cover, but Firestorm, could you…"
His voice trailed off as he turned to face the figure at the back of Justice League, where Batman had his coil buried in a book titled "A Storm of Swords". He was nearing the end.
"Umm… Batman?" Superman asked weakly. "We kind of have a crisis here…?"
Batman nodded, not paying any attention. "Hu-hu, I'll be there in a second."
All of the superhuman members of the Justice League turned to face the weakest member, who didn't even look like he was bothered. He was too engrossed in his book.
Superman and Wonder Woman shared a worried look.
"Maybe it's best if you just go home, Bruce?" Superman said in hushed whisper. "You seem slightly… distracted. I mean, I'm sure that the rest of us will be able to handle this."
"It's fine." Batman muttered absentmindedly. For once, he was so distracted he forgot to even put on his gravelly voice. "I'll catch right up with you."
"…Ok then." Superman agreed uncertainly, before gathering the Justice League away from Batman and continuing to plan how they were going to defeat the forces of evil.
Meanwhile, much more important things were happening. Robb Stark's army had just arrived at the Twins, ready for the marriage between Lord Edmure and Roslin Frey. It was an alliance that could finally secure the trust of Riverlords, turn the tides of the War of Five Kings, and then repair the damage caused by the King-in-the-North's broken promise.
Around him, the battle started to heat up. Green Lantern and the Flash were struggling to contain Bizarro, Gorrila Godd and the Martian Manhunter were slamming it out, while Wonder Woman and Amazo were wrestling each other to the ground. Firestorm and Vixen were making quick work of Parasite, but Deathstroke had Captain Marvel on the ropes, while Cyborg raced against time to disarm the reactor.
Superman and Lex Luthor, wearing an exo-suit, were busy trading blows equally. At some point, Luthor had started to monologue.
Batman just stood some way away, reading his book. At one point, he casually stepped to the side to avoid the falling meteorites.
Slowly, Batman's hands started to grip his book more tightly.
"You are all fools!" Lex Luthor was ranting. "The reactor is unstoppable; I will use its power to topple the Australian government, and then world domination will–"
"You bastards!" Batman roared suddenly, reaching the last page of the chapter. "How could you?!"
Suddenly, everyone stopped to stare at the caped crusader, who was trembling as he glared at the page in shock. Even Lex Luthor was momentarily speechless.
"No!" Batman screamed, unable to believe what he was reading.
Luthor glanced nervously at Superman. "Umm… Is there something wrong with your teammate?"
Whatever the response was going to be, it was interrupted by an explosive batarang flying straight at Luthor's face. Superman could only watch as Batman tackled his arch-nemesis to the ground, and proceeded to beat several different shades out of him.
The dark knight was suddenly overwhelmed by a desire to punch something, and fortunately there were several suitable candidates. He dropped his book to the ground while he proceeded to beat up the entire Injustice League by himself.
The Justice League was left speechless while Batman shoved reverse-Kryptonite down Bizarro's throat, disabled Amazo with an EMP, and was currently bouncing Gorrila Godd off the ground with great prejudice. He stopped the nuclear reactor by ramming Parasite face first into the fussion chamber.
"Shouldn't we… I don't know… help him or something?" The Flash said finally.
There was a moment's silence. Batman was currently beating Lex Luthor over the head, while shouting something like "Damn Walder Frey".
"Help who, exactly?" Green Lantern wondered.
Superman scratched his head uncertainly. On one hand, he should really try and restrain Batman; but on the other hand, Batman kept a large amount of Kryptonite on him at all times, and really didn't look like he was in any mood to be restrained.
"You know, I think Batman's got this under control." Superman decided finally, and there were murmurs of agreement, before the entire Justice League flew away as quick as possible.
Meanwhile, the caped crusader still had a large amount of anger issues to work through…
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
A week later…
Alfred nervously knocked onto the door of the Bat-cave. When there was no answer, he hesitantly walked inside.
In the dark, Bruce was hunched over the bat-computer. There were half a dozen books littered around him, and he hadn't appeared to sleep in a while.
"Master Wayne?" Alfred called hesitantly. "May I enquire as to what you are doing?"
"Uploading the entire A Song of Ice and Fire into the bat-computer." He said in a rushed voice. "I've just got these military decryption algorithms, and I'm decoding the books for hidden messages."
"Oh dear…" Alfred groaned. "It's worse than I thought."
Alfred glanced at the pile of books. "Have you read the entire series?"
Bruce nodded, still not turning away from the screen. "Yes – twice. Now I'm going through them again to fill in the blanks."
I'm going to regret this, Alfred thought with despair. "What "blanks", exactly?"
"Everything!" Batman said with fever. "What happened to the Hound? Who was the Knight of Laughing Tree? What is the prince-that-was-promised?"
Alfred took a step back slightly. Bruce's eyes seemed to bulge. "What happened to Jeyne Westerling? Who is the perfumed seneschal?"
"DOES R+L=J?!"
Alfred cleared his throat. "Master Wayne." He began slowly. "Perhaps…"
Bruce didn't seem to hear him. "Ah, but I've solved one of the puzzles, you see!" He exclaimed suddenly. "If you take the first vowel of each prime numbered page, and convert it into a numerical code, and decrypt the sequence, it turns out the solution to one of the biggest mysteries was right under my nose the entire time!"
Alfred rubbed his eyes with despair. As it turned out; getting your parents murdered was a great way to emotionally cripple a young boy.
"Do you see this sequence?" Bruce pointed to a stream of nonsensical letters on the screen. "It is actually an archaic Russian dialect! Do you know what it translates to?"
"Hot Pie is actually Azor Ahai reborn!"
Alfred spent a long time searching for the right words. "Master Wayne, perhaps it would be best if you… sought help…"
Batman blinked. "You know; that's a great idea," he suddenly threw on his cowl. "I'll be right back."
Without a second thought, he jumped into the batmobile and sped out of the cave.
Alfred rubbed his eyes again. "Oh, I am much too old for this sh–"
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
In a dirty alley in the mean streets of Gotham, a dark shadow prowled the night.
A man wearing a green suit spun his cane happily as he strolled down the street. Question marks were printed across his entire body and he chuckled to himself as he walked. Suddenly, a net hit him from behind, and the next thing he knew he was accelerating upwards at breakneck speed.
The Riddler was left dangling helplessly from rooftops as Batman approached him ominously.
"Ah, Batman," the Riddler chuckled. "I've been expecting you. If you want to disarm the poison gas canister that have been littered through Gotham's underground, then you must solve a series of increasingly complex tasks to eventually–"
In an instant, Batman grabbed the Riddler by the throat. "I don't care." He snarled. "All I want from you is the answer to one important question…"
"Who is the hooded man of Winterfell?"
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
A week later…
Dick Grayson entered Wayne Manor hesitantly. The stately home had become very dirty, very quickly.
He glimpsed Alfred, lounging across an antique couch and drinking a four hundred year old bottle of scotch. The butler had been sober for twenty years. His normally pristine suit was wrinkled and filthy.
"…What the hell is going on here?" Dick asked finally.
Alfred just looked at him with cold, hollow eyes.
From below in the Bat-cave, there came the sound of two people having a very heated argument.
"Theon Durden!" The voice belonging to the Riddler shouted.
"The Blackfish!" Batman shouted back.
Alfred just glanced at Dick, who was already heading for the door. "It's not good…" He murmured.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Two weeks later…
Alfred was just lounging across the dining room table, smoking another Cuban cigar. Wayne Manor had degraded into a hovel very quickly.
Suddenly, Alfred jumped up as he heard the secret entrance to the Bat-cave open. For the first time in weeks, Bruce was leaving the Bat-cave!
Bruce stood triumphantly in front of Alfred. He was filthy, but looked very proud.
"Is it over?" Alfred asked weakly.
Bruce smiled. "Yes – I've figured it all out."
"Merman theories!" He proclaimed loudly. "Merman everywhere!"
Alfred groaned as he fell back down. "Bruce…" He stressed. "Please… You've got to get over this… the series still has another two books left…"
"Of course." The World's Greatest Detective grinned. "But I have a plan."
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
A few hours later, on a spaceship floating somewhere in space…
Superman heaved open another door with his Kryptonian strength. Another legion of robots swarmed, desperate to slow him down, but he burned them all with his heat vision in seconds.
"Brainiac!" Superman shouted with enough force to shatter glass. "You will not escape me this time!"
The robotic villain had lured Superman into another of his twisted schemes, but Superman had enough. This time, Superman would avenge the people of Kandor and stop the intergalactic dread that was Brainiac.
Superman had just ripped through another titanium door, when suddenly he was stopped dead by the sight that in front of him.
"Bruce?!" Superman exclaimed loudly, completely flabbergasted. Batman was sitting in Brainiac's central console, hunched over one of the cyborg's computers. "What are you doing here?!"
"Searching through Brainiac's archives. It's the largest trove of information across time and space; there's something that I need to find." Batman replied in a matter-of-fact voice.
"Huh? But we're two light-years away from Earth! How did you even get here?"
"I'm Batman." He replied simply, as if that answered any question. Problem was– it usually did.
"Well, where's Brainiac?" Superman wondered, searching around for the intergalactic supervillain.
"Oh, I gave him a sixteen-sided Rubik's cube with two of the stickers peeled off and swapped over." Batman shrugged. "That should keep him busy for another half an hour."
Superman felt his mouth drop open. "This is my supervillain fight. You can't just intrude on someone else's fight!"
"I have to. There is some information that I desperately need."
"What exactly?"
Batman smirked. It was an unnerving sight. "Spoilers."
Superman watched stunned while Batman browsed through Brainiac's computer. "Hmm…" He grunted finally. "It's not here. Ok, I'm moving to plan B."
Batman turned on Superman. "I need your ring from the Legion of Super-Heroes." Batman demanded. "I've got to the 31st century and take what I need from their archives."
Superman shook his head. "I can't let you create a paradox in time and space just so you can spoil a book series!" Superman protested. "Listen, Bruce, this obsession has to stop. It's not healthy!"
Batman paused. He sighed. "You're right, Clark. Thank you, I needed to hear that." He held out his hand. "You're a good friend."
Superman smiled triumphantly as he shook Batman's hand. "It's al–"
Suddenly, he stopped as he felt the weakness crawl through his arm. He looked down and suddenly realised that Batman had been holding a sliver of Kryptonite in his palm.
"I'm not." Batman shook his head as Superman slumped to the ground. "Always the boy scout…"
Gently, Batman slipped the ring of Superman's finger. The Legion symbol glinted in the light.
"I'll be right back." Batman lied, as he activated the ring and travelled a thousand years into the future.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
The next morning…
The smell of burning forced Alfred to finally go down into the Bat-cave. Inside the gloom, he saw a miserable Batman sitting over a fire, while burning the Song of Ice and Fire series, page by page.
Alfred moved closer. Bruce was more depressed than Alfred had ever seen him. "Did you find what you were looking for?" Alfred asked carefully.
Bruce nodded solemnly.
"And…?"
Bruce took a deep breath, burning another page of A Dance of Dragons. "George RR Martin published his sixth book in 2015, and it was brilliant. It expanded on all of the plot lines, set up new intrigues, and set everything up for the most climatic final battle ever. All of the main characters survived for most of the sixth book, but their fates were all left dubious by the end."
"So what happened?" Alfred asked eagerly, sitting down next Bruce.
He turned to face the butler with wide eyes. "And then George RR Martin died! The series was left completely and deliberately forever unfinished! The bastard was laughing all the way to his grave!"
"Oh God, no…" Alfred muttered in shock.
"Don't you see Alfred? This is the greatest, most sadistic, most successful supervillain scheme in history! He made us actually emotionally care about his characters, just so he could torment us by killing them off one by one!"
For the first time since he was a child, Bruce Wayne was held close to Alfred, wallowing in their grief.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Meanwhile, in Arkham Asylum…
The Joker was unnaturally quiet as he sat in his cell. It made everyone nervous.
Normally, the Joker varied between mildly crazy to full-blown psychotic several times before breakfast. Now, he was sitting, completely subdued, hunched over his books.
The guards started trembling with anticipation. A guard at Arkham Asylum had the life expectancy of a common housefly. They were replaced so often that the positions might as well be revolving doors.
The inmates escaped so often that the cells might as well be revolving doors.
Still, now the whole cell block was tense as the Joker continued to read. The level of crazy in the place had been cut in half by the Joker's restrained behaviour.
Eventually, the Joker asked for another book, quite politely. The guards were scared, but they gave it to him. Within a week, the Joker had read through the five hulking books.
The Joker closed the final page, and then leaned back and looked at the ceiling thoughtfully.
"Wow," he said at last. "I could really learn something from this guy."
Winner: George RR Martin
This was just an idea I had, and I couldn't stop laughing until I wrote a story about it.
I thought long and hard about whether to put this as a crossover with ASOIAF. I'm still not sure, since there aren't actually any characters or settings from the series itself, but it is a crossover with the actual books.
I really hope there are enough people who get the Song of Ice and Fire crackpot theory references...