AN: Been a while folk, rusty as hell and procrastinating from my final exam revision, so not the best constructed but a little angsty vent, enjoy for what it is :)
SUMMARY: A few years before Helen takes on Will as her new protege something terrible happens that reminds her of just how lonely immortality can be. But even immortals have people who love them. Join Helen as she attempts to hide herself away from the horror and the self-pity she has brought upon herself.
Pre-season angsty Helen/Ashley Hurt/Comfort/Family One-shot.
Unedited and subject to change.
LIFE'S TURNS
It did not happen often but when it did there was only one thing for it. Magnus fled through her Sanctuary heading for her own room. The moment she got there she slammed the door shut and threw herself down onto the bed. The heart of the soft mattress instantly swallowed her rarely heard sobs and the veil from around the four posters shielded her from view. Helen let out a prolonged wail and thumped an angry fist onto the well worn silk and stitching of her favoured bedspread. Sometimes this place and her whole life was just too much to take. A little at a time she could handle but events such as those of today threatened to break her as they unexpectedly crept up on her and shattered her world.
Attempting briefly to control herself Helen lifted her face to take a full and proper breath of air, but it was no use the shocking grief and anger were too much to bear and she once again hid her face, screaming like a tantruming toddler this time, mortifying herself with her own behaviour even though there was no-one there to witness it.
There was no-one else there...and that was part of the problem. No matter how long she lived there would be no-one else there. I mean who could she possibly turn to when it came to moments like this? Her team, if they were lucky enough not to be killed on the job, would all be dead before she had even aged a day and so too would be that of her daughter for it seemed Ashley had not inherited the longevity that Helen had so desperately and selfishly craved in her child. No Ashley, when the time came would learn to teleport and with that came the terrifying possibility that she would turn, much as her father did, into a cold ruthless killer and that frightened Helen much more than anything else in this god-awful world ever could. She would rather Ashley were dead than in the grip of the same thing that took her beloved John away from her.
Hurt fired out through her entire being...John...another reason for absolute despair He had been such a wonderful man...and now he was nothing but a living remnant of his own ghost. A daemon that was never there but would always be around, shadowing her, scaring her and reminding her of the terrible, terrible thing that she had done. She had created a terrifyingly evil spiral of event in injecting each of them with the blood. 'Unnatural' her father had called it as he railed at her upon learning the truth of her secretive actions.
"You are a foolish and stupid girl! Really Helen I thought I could trust you better than to go and unleash half-created unnatural abnormals into this world! There can be nothing but madness and chaos come from such a thing. Nigel and James seem alright now, so too does John but what of Tesla...where, pray tell, is he?" Gregory Magnus had demanded, wanting and needing to punish his daughter by making her confess the full extent of the danger she had lost control over.
"I do not know father." Helen had pleaded, begging with her eyes and her demeanor for forgiveness.
"Well find him girl...you created this mess, you fix it!" And he had left her alone with her pain and her daemons, ranting as he did so about the unholiest of the unholy being released to roam and destroy the world unchecked.
Helen's heart had shattered in utter, utter disappointment and that had been the first time in her adulthood that she had fled to her room, to her inner sanctuary...and today, just like that day it was her mother's silk handmade throw that had comforted her. Naturally her father had come round in the end and tried his best to help his daughter fix her folly, she was merely twenty-three after all and twenty-three year olds did foolish things, especially when they were only attempting to prove themselves by showing independent means. That and belatedly he realised that he had probably frightened hell out of her by inadvertently telling her she had condemned herself too.
Helen sighed and shifted onto her back to look at the ornate ceiling, she had condemned herself, but out of that condemnation had come a daughter and that daughter was fast approaching the end of her teens. Helen vowed to herself that she would not allow Ashley to do anything so stupid as to attempt a dangerous feat to try and prove herself. She would remember her own mistake and how it had tainted her life and she would never allow her daughter to make the same grand gesture out of love, pride and a need to feel a sense of greater self-worth. That much she could do and the thought gave her strength.
Feeling calmer Helen drew in a few ragged breaths and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. Today's mascara was waterproof, an unconscious decision that she was saddened to remember turn out to be a wise one. She stared at the un-streaked back of her own hand. Oh how she wished it were that she lived in a world where waterproof mascara was not needed. Or that she was in a position to take the events of today back...but she was not and very soon the people around her would need her again.
Exhausted by that mere thought of how much she was going to be needed over the next few weeks Helen closed her eyes and contemplated a short spell of sleep. Just twenty minutes or so, then she could go back out and face them all. "Henry." she whispered aloud. Her poor adoptive son had witnessed it all and would be a wreck for days. It was only his second time out on full scale ops and she knew it would be years before he would be willing to try again. He would hide behind his technology and seek solace in his games and the safe world of securing the Sanctuary along with The Big Guy. Bigfoot would be fine, he always was. He understood the nature of things better than Helen did herself, but still...today would be hard for him too.
A gentle knock at the door tugged Helen back from the brink of a melancholy doze and her eyes snapped open. "Mom?" came a tentative yet youthful voice.
Helen looked across the room to see her (at the moment streaked bright pink) haired daughter searching through the empty spaces in the half light. She could have left her to her searching knowing that she was out of sight behind the shimmering gossamer veils of her bed but she did not want that. In the same moment of impulse that had caused her to flee the moment she rounded the corner she now wanted her daughter at her side. "I'm here Ashley, come to me." She sat up and revealed herself to her beautiful teenage child.
Ashley bolted across the room and crash-landed, muddied combat boots and all into her morther's arms. "What happened Mom?" she wailed. "One minute he was there and the next he was just lying on the ground. I mean I was just talking to him on the radio and then there was the shot and when I got round the corner Henry was just standing there and Remy was dead!"
"I know my darling, I know. Hush now it's alright, I'm here...I'm still here, sshhh sweetheart, please, please don't fret so."
Ashely clung tighter to her mother, sure she may well be almost nineteen but right now she could have been five. Remy had been around for as long as she could remember and had always been the one who was in charge when her mother was away and she had loved him like an uncle. "Why Mom...why?" she demanded to know.
Helen sighed, kissing Ashely's hair, and tracking the badly dyed streaks that were her daughter's attempt at being rebellious. In truth she really did not mind them, thinking that they gave her daughter a 'try me if you dare' kind of look but she had gone through the motions, pretended to be angry and allowed her daughter the right to win the victory she so clearly was striving for. How petty that whole thing seemed now...most likely to both of them. "Ashley darling, there is no answer as to why. Things happen in this life, there is no rhyme or reason to it." Her daughter stayed quiet as she attempted to sooth her and Helen continued, knowing her voice was all that mattered, not the words, just her voice. "Remy was with me in France you know. Saved my life. I asked him what he wanted in return and he asked only that I allow him to come and work in the Sanctuary. I could not deny him that and neither should I have, for you see Remy has always desired to do good and he was only a child when I took him over. He had lost both his parents and asked that I be the one to help him. He was fourteen years old and I could not deny him." Helen smiled. "He became my protege. My first in a long time in fact...and no doubt he will not be the last."
"No!" Ashely drew her head up, pale face puffy with tears. "No Mom. You can't do that again. You can't ask someone who is not from this place to come and fight with us. It's not fair. I can do it...I can handle it." The blonde pulled back. "Honest Mom, if you need someone out there on every mission let it be me. I promise I won't let you down...I promise!"
Helen took her daughter's face into her hands. "My darling you have never in your life let me down. Nor will you ever be able to do so." Helen's heart panged as her father's words echoed once again in her head. "I love you and I need you."
"But?" Ashley questioned, a flash of anger in her eyes.
"But...your training is not yet complete." The girl shifted restlessly and Helen stilled her, commanding her attention. "But as soon as it is, you shall claim your rightful place as my right hand."
"You mean you left-hand."
For a moment Magnus puzzled, then she smiled. "So you are still determined to do that, then?"
"Hells yeah!" Magnus frowned at her daughter's language. "Sorry. I mean yes mother, I am determined to learn to be a left-handed marksman so that we can complement each other perfectly in any situation. Can't you see it now, you and me out there on some hill or in some alleyway back to back with all flanks covered?"
Ashley's eyes shone bright for a moment in a mixture of dreamy excitement and forgotten tears. Helen wanted to keep her up there just for a moment longer, there was a lot of sadness to come and if only for a moment longer she wished her daughter to not feel the pain of losing a loved one. "Yes my darling I can...and that day will come."
"But it's not today." Ashley sighed in heavy acceptance She knew her mother would never lie to her about anything and that trust kept her from getting angry and wanting to do things on her own. She could lead a mission, she knew she could but her Mom wanted her to be the best before she showed her off the the bad guys of the abnormal world and if she was totally honest with herself that was kinda cool. But she did not want someone who was not involved getting caught up in all of this and maybe losing their life...just like Remy.
Helen watched as her daughter seemed to reach a serious decision. "Speak child." she whispered softly, coaxing her into voicing her new idea.
"Ashley hesitated, she was not sure if her suggestion was the right one. "What about...what about you don't get yourself a new protege..."
"Ashley you know I..."
"Wait, please Mom, just hear me out before you shoot down my idea...please."
Two round blue eyes turned themselves on her and Helen, like she almost always ended up doing, relented. "Go ahead."
"How about instead of getting a new protege you get Declan back over here to finish my training?"
"Declan eh?" voiced Helen, truly surprised by her daughter's choice. She raised a single eyebrow at her daughter who immediately blushed.
"Shut up Mom! I don't mean it like that. Declan is good looking but he's no Silvio."
"Silvio!" Helen declare. "Good grief daughter!" Now that...when it came to taste in men was just shocking! "Never in your lifetime...or my lifetime in fact would he be a good match for you."
Ashely had physically crumpled up as she let her secret crush slip out of her mouth. Unwilling to discuss it farther she pressed on. "As I was saying Declan is a good choice because he is well trained, kinda cool and Henry likes him too. He's good with tech and with weapons and...and...and he drinks tea, which I know you love. What do you say?"
Helen contemplated the idea. It really was not a bad one. As Ashley said he had the skills to train her...and he was good with tech, good for Henry, would keep his mind occupied. Bigfoot liked him and she herself had been thinking about how she was going to manage his career path so that he would be ready to take over from James when the time came at the London Sanctuary. Plus on a darker note, if John ever did happen to show up again she herself would have the backup she needed to deal with him. "You are right Ashley, he does like tea...but I don't know."
"Oh come on, please Mom, you know it's a good idea and it would only be for a few years till I am ready to take over...please!"
"Don't beg Ashley, it's unbecoming. You are not a spoiled brat, I raised you better than that!"
"Sorry." Ashely bowed her head under her mothers chastisement It was true she was not spoiled, but still she did not want to let this go. Suddenly a genuine memory came into her mind and instantly the tears were back. "And Mom?" her voice wavered.
"Yes?" Helen asked softy upon hearing her daughter's emotions.
"Remy...Remy liked Declan too. He was talking to him on the phone just last week about getting you ticket so some play or other in Paris for your birthday. Twelfth Night or something, I don't know but he said you would definitely love the present."
Helen's heart crushed at the utter, utter thoughtfulness of the people in her life. "Truly?" she choked out, not that she doubted her daughter for one second.
Ashely looked up at her mother's face and saw that she was genuinely touched and seemed to be about to cry. She had never seen her mother cry and really did not want to right now. Once again she flung herself into her arms, this time careful not to let her boot trail on her grandmothers bedspread. "Remy loved you Mom, we all love you."
Helen allowed a single tear to trail down her cheek. "Thank you my child, I know you do. And I love you all too...especially you. And I promise I'll think about taking Declan on for a while. It can't be forever though, he has his place in London to be directed into and I will still need someone to take on this place so you don't get stuck with all the paperwork."
Ashley looked briefly horrified. "Yeugh! Okay, thank you Mom."
With a sudden kiss Helen was surprised to realise that her daughter had jumped off the bed. "Where are you going?" she asked, feeling suddenly bereft of her closeness.
"To wash this stuff off." She tugged on her hair and looked genuinely sad. "Remy...Remy didn't like it, so I think...I think it's only right that I remove it before...before..." Ashley's words abandoned her as pain and realisation washed over her.
Helen rose up and once more enveloped her daughter. "You are a good and kind young woman. I am so lucky to have you in my life. Remy was always so proud of you...as am I."
Ashely sniffed loudly and let out a half-embarrassed laugh.
"Do you want a hand washing that stuff out?" Helen asked, deliberately sounding overly keen.
Ashley pulled free. "Nah...I think I can handle it Mom." She headed for the door.
"Well make sure you get it all." Helen shouted after her daughter.
"Yes Mo-om!" Came the teenage reply.
Helen smiled. "And I'll come and find you later okay?"
Ashley stopped at the end of the corridor and turned, realising something for the first time. Her Mom needed her. 'I'll find you later' was always her Mom's way of asking her to stay in for the night, but this time it sounded like an actual genuine need. "I'll be here Mom, I promise." she offered up before biting her lip and heading off to her room.
Helen sighed into the empty corridor and looked around. Leaning against the door-frame of her room she ran a slow hand down the length of her face and contemplated the change in her mood from not half an hour ago. She shook her head, shy on Earth did she ever think she was alone? Everyone was here for her and while it was true they would not be around forever, on days like this, when things turned to their darkest and they lost one of there own they were all standing by waiting and so she would go to them. Not this time as the rock and the centre for them all to hang off, not as the leader of the Sanctuary network but as a friend and as one of them. She would go find her friends and let them help her, it probably would not be easy but each of them...as Remy had been, were here because they wanted to be a part of something that didn't discriminate when it came to relieving pain and suffering.
And that Helen realised meant that they would each be there for her...if only she could find a way to let them in.
END
AN: So rough and ready, but the concept is there, will probably tweak the details at some point as I am sure it has mistakes, but I'm up for six to study and it's just gone 1am and if I don't post I won't sleep! But please tell me what you think in general, would appreciate it :)