Purgatory

I'm seeing you through someone else's mind.

I see you, with those forget-me-not-colored eyes, and that pristine white skin. I see you look at who you think I am, and smile.

Let me please take a moment to explain the way your smile stays permanently etched in my brain. Normally when someone smiles at you, you immediately move past it. It is meaningless.

So why is it that every time you smile at him (me) I forget how to breathe?

The way the corners of your mouth begin to twitch and turn upward when he has spewed some lame joke out to impress you, or the way your rosy lips curl around your small teeth. I have memorized every variation and nuance of your smile, and it sickens me.

You like to hum some unrecognizable tune quietly, and stutter out the words barely above a whisper. You dip your tiny, pale feet into the crystal clear water and look upward toward the evening sky, stars dotting the horizon like diamond dust. You sing some words that I can't hear, and it's torture.

Why can't I forget that tune? Why do I hear it floating over the silent air when I am about to fall asleep? It seems like it's surrounding me, deafening me in the small space I occupy within his heart.

Your hair is the color of the dried blood that would stick under my fingernails, back when I inhabited a body. It's amusing, and it is the only reminder of my past that still clings to me desperately. Some days I cannot remember anything about myself, except perhaps a burning hatred for light.

But, that's the curious part - you are the purest light I have ever witnessed. You shine, unmatched by all the stars in the universe. You stand alone, bathed in golden light, immaculate and untouchable. You are everything I am supposed to hate in this world, all put into one beautiful, singular manifestation of life.

So, I am left alone with a conundrum like no other, until the end of my pathetic existence within his mind: if I hate you so much, why do I long to reach out and touch you?

I want to carefully place one hand on top of yours, and feel the warmth radiating from beneath. I wish for it more than life and an even more peaceful death. I want to hold your hand, and it's destroying my sanity. I imagine the softness of each of your fingertips, delicate and small. I imagine my own hands, dark and merciless to so many, intertwined with yours.

I feel like I'm suffocating, but there's no release. I will not die. I am stranded here forever, cursed to see him with you. I'll watch, through his eyes, when he takes his foolish hands and places them within yours. I'll see him sing songs with you, and have you smile over and over again, only for him.

I am stuck in purgatory, with you always so close, but lifetimes away.

end

author's note: school's out, and this was a warm up for the new chapter of Breathing. I love Van/Kairi, so I did this little drabble for an exercise in writing. As you can see, Vanitas is stuck in Sora's heart, and he's just musing about it. If you liked it, PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks guys!