DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing, Tenchi Muyo or anything else.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ever wondered what would happen if Wufei got his own talk show? Well even if you didn't I wrote this anyway. Please review. If you're reading my other fic 'Sandrock High' I uploaded another chapter so read and review that too!
THE WUFEI SHOW – Not for Weaklings!
SCENE: The camera zooms in to… an empty chair.
LADY D: What? What do you mean empty?! Where is he?!
Voices are heard backstage.
LADY D: Hey, that sounds like Wufei.
WUFEI: So you see Quatre, if that is what happened, you were well within your justice rights to do that.
QUATRE: Well I guess you're right. Thanks Wufei! ^_^
WUFEI: That's what I-
LADY D: WUFEI, STOP LECTURING QUATRE AND GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO!
(Regains her composure)
Okay. Let's try this again.
The camera zooms in again, this time Wufei is sitting on the chair.
WUFEI: Hello and welcome, gentlemen, warriors and onnas, to the one, the only, 'Wufei Show!' I'm your host Wufei. And what do we do on this show I hear you ask.
LADY D: (to Trowa) He's hearing things now. It's so sad.
WUFEI: (Shoots authoress an annoyed look)
Well, as I was saying, on this show we talk about the real issues of the Earth and the Colonies, issues that concern you, the viewer. Issues that concern that oh-so-powerful word 'Justice'. So, lets take our first caller. Justice. How can I help?
CALLER #1: Hi Wufei! I just want to let you know, I'm your biggest fan, I watch this show all of the time!
WUFEI: This is our first episode.
CALLER #1: I know! Hahahahahaaaa!! Hey! Give me back the phone! (Sounds of a scuffle are heard) No, no, please, I promise I'll stop telling people I'm Batman, really! Don't give me a needle! Aaaaaaaghhhh!…..
CHIRPY VOICE: Hi, sorry about that. This is the Superhero's Mental Institute! You were talking to one of our patients. He thinks he's Batman but he's really-
LOUD VOICE: Mihoshi, put the phone down! And stop giving out patients' medical information. You're going to get us fired!
CHIRPY VOICE: But Kiyone…
LOUD VOICE: Now, Mihoshi!
CHIRPY VOICE: Okay Kiyone. Sorry, I have to go now.
(Click as phone is disconnected)
WUFEI: Okay. That was. Weird. Let's go to the next caller. Justice. How can I help?
CALLER #2: Hey, is this the Psychic Hotline?
WUFEI: Er, no it's not.
CALLER #2: What do you mean NO?! Put me through then, I'm paying 3 bucks a minute for this! Damn switchboard…
WUFEI: What? I'm not the switchboard you retard! What kind of weakling calls a Psychic Hotline anyway! You-
PLEASE STAND BY. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
(Annoying calypso music plays, voices can be heard in the background)
QUATRE: Calm down Wufei.
WUFEI: (censored)
TROWA: Quickly Duo, cut to a commercial!
DUO: Okey dokey! ^_^
TROWA: … ///_~
(Commercial)
WE SEE HEERO, WEARING THE USUAL TANK TOP & SPANDEX SHORTS. FOR APPARANTELY NO REASON HE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF AND DIVES HEADFIRST INTO AN OCEAN. AFTER GETTING OUT HE IS ATTACKED BY A PRIDE OF LIONS (COURTESY OF TROWA) BUT MANAGES TO EVADE THEM, THEN GETS BLASTED BY DUO WHO IS HOLDING AN EXTREMELY LARGE BAZOOKA. THE SMOKE CLEARS AND HEERO APPEARS, UNHARMED.
(Voice Over - Wufei)
YOU TO CAN LIVE THROUGH ALL OF THESE EXPERIENCES. ALL YOU NEED IS THIS! (Picture on screen of tank top and spandex) INDESTRUCTABLE CLOTHING! COMES IN A VARIETY OF COLOURS, ONE SIZE FITS ALL! IT'S ONLY $999.99 PLUS POSTAGE AND PACKING. CALL 555-INDESTRUCTABLE NOW, OUR OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
WUFEI: We're back, and this time there will be no psychic psychos! We haven't had much luck with callers today, so lets to talk to one of our guests instead. You've just seen him in that rather pathetic commercial, let's welcome the 'Perfect Soldier', Heero Yuy!
(Heero comes out from backstage, gun in hand)
WUFEI: Justice.
HEERO: Omae o korosu.
WUFEI: -_-; ?
HEERO: I told you. Never use that commercial. Ever.
WUFEI: What? How did I do it?! You think I have magic powers or something?! I can't control the commercials from here, the braided baka does that!
(Heero turns and walks back that way he came)
WUFEI: Where are you going?
HEERO: To kill the 'God of Death'.
Like I said before, review!