7/13/2008
Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry". It's sung by Keith Urban, from his CD "Be Here". I don't own House or Cuddy, David Shore does. It's written by Keith Urban and Monty Powell.
Rated M Please R&R
A/N: This is a sequel to "You Look Good In My Shirt". Established Romance and AU. A/N 2: Part 3 in a 3 part series. This takes place 4 years after "You Look Good In My Shirt". This story deals with drinking, drugs and has bad language, read at own risk!
A/N 3: I'm no medical doctor by any means, so I'm making up the Oxycotin dosage myself. LOL.
A/N 4: Character Death.
It had been four years ago today that she had left him and still to this day it hurt like hell. Every day since she left him had been like hell on earth, the first month of the first year was the hardest. He had been depressed for a month and didn't care about anything, what he ate or didn't eat, the little sleep he got, the work he tried his best to do but only did it half way. In that first month, he didn't care whether he was alive or dead, he just used alcohol, preferably whiskey and wine to numb the pain of his life.
Now four years later, his life was still a living hell. But for some reason tonight, he felt the pain even more so. Maybe it was from the song or the pictures of the two of them together on the wall that he saw at every corner or maybe the whiskey and wine or maybe it was a combination of all these things.
House sat on his couch, in his dark and dimly lit apartment. The only light came from the TV which was on mute. House lay slumped on his couch wearing two day old jeans, socks, an old grey t-shirt and he was sporting two day and counting scruff. He was drunk as a skunk, he didn't have a clue what day or what time it was, nor did he care. He only cared about getting drunk and staying that way. He had been listening to this same song for sometime now and had it memorized, it mirrored his life exactly. House had run out of whiskey days ago and he was now into his wine stash. The drunken man recalled every single detail that led up to her leaving and he hated it.
Alone
in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down
and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls
around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds
me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
God how he hated her for leaving him, she had lied, cheated twice, and this had hurt him deeply. House remembered the phone call that he had received the first time she'd cheated on him. House could hear how her voice shook with nervousness and uneasiness. House also recalled how she cried and told him she was sorry for cheating and promised to never do it again. House made the foolish decision to take her back. Things between them were strained for quite some time, but eventually they found their way back to each others arms. Then one night Cuddy called again and House could hear once again the trepidation in her voice and listened as she told her lover through her tears how she had cheated on him once again. House didn't speak to Cuddy for a week and a half and for her it was the longest week and a half of her life. Once again House took Cuddy back but he was very weary of her. The trust and love between them was fractured.
Over time, they once again repaired their relationship, and slowly over the years things seemed to be getting better for them. Cuddy knew that House had a problem with drinking and drugs, but she didn't think that it had gotten as bad as it had gotten.
That wasn't to say that all this time, House was being a good boy and staying faithful to Cuddy either. House had also cheated on Cuddy more than once. He just never told her. House also increased his Vicodin habit to include Oxycotin, a narcotic similar to morphine. The Vicodin he was taking didn't work anymore. He had forged the prescriptions and had been taking them for years now. He also steadily increased his drinking more and more, but slowly so Cuddy wouldn't catch on. He was smart like that. He didn't think that Cuddy suspected anything; he was wrong and was in for a big surprise.
The events that followed are what lead Cuddy to leave House for good.
One day Cuddy had come home from work at PPTH and wasn't surprised to find House sleeping on the couch. Cuddy knew that House worked hard at the hospital. Cuddy looked at the mess before her and sighed wearily as she went over to where he lay and helped him out of his sport jacket he wore. He was a very sound sleeper so Cuddy knew that her moving him wouldn't be a problem. Cuddy saw an amber bottle fall out of his jacket pocket and picked it up assuming it was his Vicodin bottle. She was shocked to see that it was a bottle for a prescription for Oxycotin which Cuddy had 'signed off' on. As she read the label, she noticed that the script called for 2 pills every 5 hours for 10 days. House had almost no pills left!
To say that Cuddy was angry was an understatement! She so badly wanted to slap him and hit him for not only hurting her, but for hurting himself too! Instead of slapping him, Cuddy found the biggest container that would hold ice cold water and poured it all over House. He woke up freezing wet, yelling and cursing at her. Cuddy however stood there with her hands on her hips with the meanest look on her face that House had ever seen. In her hand, she rattled the almost empty bottle of Oxycotin and then she threw it at House expectedly. House caught off guard from the water thrown on him, fumbled with the bottle, but eventually caught it. He looked at and he knew he was in huge, gigantic, humungous trouble with Cuddy. And that didn't even cover how pissed off she was about the pills. House opened his mouth like he was going to talk and started to say something when he felt Cuddy slap him as hard as she could. The look of fury, hate, betrayal, sadness, disappointment and other emotions shone in her eyes as she looked at him. But she never said a word to him. What could House say, he didn't blame her for being mad, and hell he'd be mad too!
Neither of them spoke the entire rest of the day or night or next day or the days to come. Cuddy didn't speak to House at all and made him sleep out on the couch every night; she wanted nothing to do with him. House could do nothing in return because he knew deep down if he was honest with himself that he had brought this all on himself and there was nothing he could do to win her back. So it was no surprise that one day House came home and his apartment was half empty. He knew as soon as he opened the door and limped in and looked around. The light in the kitchen that was usually on where Cuddy always made dinner for them was off and dark, the collection of Cuddy's DVD's was missing as were her CD's. He limped in the bedroom and saw that the drawers were opened and cleaned out of where her clothes used to be and when he went into the bathroom, he found it half empty.
House stumbled crying out of the bedroom towards the kitchen when he saw the note on the kitchen counter. It read, 'House, I can't do this anymore. You've hurt me too much for too long. We've caused each other too much pain over the years, and I can't live like this anymore. I have to let you go. I'll always remember you. Love Cuddy.' House didn't see or feel the wet tear drops that graced the counter top as he stood there in his dark kitchen crying silently. His life as he knew it was over.
(Chorus)
I've
never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought
that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm
just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let
it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
House had never been the kind of guy to show his feelings, ever. With this devastating blow to his life, he still didn't let others see his pain. After Cuddy had left him, House drowned himself in alcohol and drugs even more so. He got drunk every night just enough to pass out, but not enough to make him hung over in the morning. He had gotten quite good at that trick. The drunken man always considered himself to be a strong kind of guy, but he often found himself crying at night alone in his dimly lit apartment, crying over the memories they had together, the laughter they shared, the love they made and the holidays they took together. Every memory made him cry even harder and drink and get high even more.
Would
it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would
sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old
yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets
better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
(Chorus x2)
As House sat in his dimly lit apartment, still drinking and getting high and thinking about to how his life got shot to hell after she left him 4 years ago that night, he took a long pull on the bottle he was holding and got up from the couch. He staggered and limped into his bedroom where he opened his closet door and got a dusty shoebox which lay on the floor. He picked up the box, closed the door and made his way back to where he sat before. House sat down and took another pull on the bottle he was holding and with a sigh he took the lid off the box and set it down next to the almost empty bottle he was drinking from. The drunken and poorly dressed man carefully unfolded the handwritten letters she had left for him, around the apartment or at work over the years. He cried once again as he read and relived every single word and memory.
House knew that he would never get over Cuddy. He loved her more than life itself, more than his next breath and they had both screwed up each others lives too much. There was so much hurt and anger, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, and so many other emotions on both their parts. House knew that he could never and would never go on to love another woman like she loved him. Hell, Cuddy had seen him through Stacey leaving him, the Tritter issues and so much more. House instead of being grateful had taken her for granted and she had taken him for granted too. Too many tearful nights on both their parts, though House wouldn't admit he cried. Too many fights and arguments about too many different issues. House couldn't go on living in the hell that was his life. It was all too much.
That was when he made his decision. He got up from the couch, using his cane and he limped into the bedroom and bathroom. He came out minutes later with multiple bottles, as many as he could carry, a total of 3 and a half almost full bottles of prescription pills which he had gotten over the years and he dumped them on the coffee table top. Then he went and got the biggest bottle of whiskey he had and set it down on the coffee table top next to the pill bottles.
House then reached over and grabbed the phone and dialed both Wilson and then he dialed his parents. Neither of the were home, so he left messages, telling them happy Thanksgiving, even though it was no where near the time of the year to celebrate that holiday. He unplugged the phone and turned off his cell phone. He stopped momentarily as he opened one of the pill bottles as he thought of Cuddy. 'I should call her. But what's there to say? I'm sorry. Yeah, like that'll do some good now.' he thought. House shrugged the thought off and continued to open all three pill bottles. Then he scooped up the pills from each bottle in his hand and chased them each down with the whiskey. By the time the last sip of whiskey had touched his lips, he was already half unconscious from the huge amount of pills and whiskey. House dizzily fell off the couch and onto the floor. He felt at total peace and felt no pain, physically, or emotionally. As his eyes were almost closed the last thing he saw was the wooden floor of his apartment and the last thought he had before he died was that he was finally free.
Sometime later, Wilson came knocking on House's door, yelling at him to open the door and let him in. It wasn't until there was no answer for almost 10 minutes that Wilson got worried, he opened the door with the key House had given him and stood in the doorway as he saw his best friend lying on the floor. Wilson rushed over to where he lay and felt the warmth that was still in his friends' body. Wilson tried to get a pulse, but found none. Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat there on the floor and held House and cried. After Wilson had managed to compose himself, he got out his phone and called Cuddy. He heard Cuddy scream loudly at hearing the news. Wilson began to cry again. Wilson then phoned the Ducklings, Chase, Cameron, Foreman, Taub, Thirteen and Kutner and told them the news; they were as shocked as everyone else. Wilson then made the hardest call of all. Wilson composed himself once again as he dialed the number to House's parents. Luckily, or unluckily they were home, luckily because Wilson only had to tell them once. House's mom answered the phone and within a few seconds of saying hello, Wilson then said "I'm so sorry Blythe." She needn't ask what he was sorry for, she knew, John House knew as he heard his wife scream. It was the worst day of their lives.
PPTH was never the same again. Almost a month after House's death, the Ducklings all quit and moved out the NJ area. The Diagnostics Department was shut down for good, despite Cuddy's efforts to try and keep it up and running. Cuddy was hit the hardest by all of this and resigned as Dean of Medicine and Wilson too took this hard and despite his best efforts, he too quit PPTH. None of House's co workers could walk around the halls of PPTH and be reminded every where they turned of House. It was all too much for all of them. Life would never be the same for any of them, but they would each remember House in their own special way. He would live on forever in their hearts, minds, actions and words.