All the Irons in the Fire
Chapter One
It was coming close to Culling Day, again. Except this time, you don't have a kismesis!
You are Karkat Vantas, a troll on the dark planet of Alternia. Culling Day is nearing and you have no idea how you're going to live through it. You have Nepeta Leijon as your Matesprit, her intolerable puns began to grow on you and now the both of you are in a strong, loving relationship. She seems especially excited about that.
Yet with such low-class blood, so low that it is not even on the haemospectrum, you are not going to get away with just filling one pail. You are going to need a kismesis.
hr
Finding someone for a kismesis shouldn't be that hard should it? Considering that you hate almost everyone with the audacity to take up your time with stupid games or bone-bulgingly bad conversations.
Your first person for the glorious position of hate-love is Terezi Pyrope. However you kind of blew it with her. She didn't really appreciate your neediness for her in all of your quadrants. Anyway, she's probably in a kismesissitude with your best friend and moirail, Gamzee Makara. Jegus you hate her for that, but you could never hate your moirail, no matter how crazy, stupid or mean he was to you.
Your next thought drifts towards Eridan Ampora. Glob damn it you hate that hipster douchebag. But you would rather that both of you get culled than having do go through his obnoxious repulsive spongedead assmaggotry. He'll probably try to make it a thing and prolong it for as long as he can that desperate fuck. Glob damN you hate him. BUT NOT IN THAT WAY YOU PERVERTED DEITIES KNOWN AS READERS!
You go over to your husktop to check out who's online. It seems that Sollux is online. You choose to begin trolling him.
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] -
CG: HEY DOUCHEBAG. WHAT'S GOING ON?
TA: nothiin much, you?
CG: JUST A BUNCH OF MIND FUCKING, LUMPSQUIRTING SHIT. SO THE USUAL.
CG: DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT, ARE YOU OK FOR CULLING DAY?
TA: whoa kk. II didnt thiink that you thought of me that way.
CG: FUCK YOU! D:B
TA: ju2t kiiddiing kk. Iim fiine though. II have ff for redrom beliieve iit or knot hehehe.
TA: the down2iide ii2 that 2he ii2 makiing me have my kii2mefii2h wiith that 2tupiid hiip2ter.
TA: then agaiin, who el2e would be my ki2mefii2h? II dont reely hate anyone other than him.
CG: SOLLUX, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RED FOR FEFERI DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD USE FISH PUNS. I HAVE JUST GOTTEN PAST NEPETA'S, AND YOUR'S ARE JUST MINDNUMBING.
CG: HOWEVER, I DO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU WITH THE WHOLE ERIDAN THING. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
TA: yeah true. 2o why do you a2k?
CG: WHAT? CAN'T A TROLL JUST LOOK OUT FOR HIS FRIEND?!
TA: they can. but youre not that 2ort of troll are you?
TA: iif II had to gue22, you don't have a kii2me2ii2.
CG : WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? IS IT YOUR SHITFUCKING DISASTER POWERS? DOES SOMETHING BAD COME OF THIS?
TA: nah bro. but con2iideriing that youre red with np and that tz is taken, you have no one for your blackrom. dude, iit ii2nt binary.
CG: SHIT.
CG: WELL YOU'RE RIGHT.
CG: ANY IDEAS?
TA: II would 2ugge2t Eriidan but II already have hiim unfortunately.
TA: what about Equiius?
CG: NO. FUCK HIM. HE GOTS OFF MY ORDERS ALL THE TIME AND IS SIMPLY INTOLERABLE.
TA: II can 2ee iit already.
CG: FUCK YOU.
TA: alriight then, what about hii2 neighbour?
CG: WHO'S THAT?
TA: oh come on man, vrii2ka.
CG: OH, RIGHT.
CG: AND FUCK YOU! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
TA: no way man. you've been doiing 8s all niight. iit2 a2 iif you've known all along. lol.
CG: FUCK YOU. GIVE ME A FUCKING EXAMPLE.
TA: sure thing kk.
TA: CAN'T A TROLL JUST LOOK OUT FOR HIS FRIEND?!
TA: OF THIS?
TA: want any more?
CG: NO.
CG: THANKS BUT FUCK YOU.
CG: BUT IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
CG: SHE HAS SO MUCH HATE, SURELY SHE HAS A KISMESIS.
TA: well wiith that much hate, would you expect for her two have many friiend2, or people wiilliing to come clo2e two her for that matter?
CG: I GUESS NOT
TA: yeah, 2omehow tavro2 put2 up wiith her though.
TA: enough two be in a mate2priit2hiip 2omehow.
TA: but 2he2 free in blackrom.
CG: YEAH THANKS.
CG: I GUESS I'LL DO THAT THEN.
CG: SEE YOU LATER DOUCHEBAG.
TA: cya kk.
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] -
You walk around your respite block, trying to think things through. What are you going to tell Vriska? "HEY FUCKASS WANT TO HATEFUCK ME?" No way, that would never work. As you think, a small ping comes from your computer. Someone's messaged you. As you read the who it's from, our jaw drops.
"SPEAK OF THE FUCKING SHEDEVIL!"