Disclaimer: I don't own EVA, and consequently don't own anyone in this story. sigh Oh well....
So Was Shinji
Yeah, I remember sitting on the beach that day. And you were there too, only I wasn't sure if I really wanted you there or not. I know you didn't want to be alone - I know you hate being alone, even though when you want to really torture yourself, you go off and shut yourself away. But you were there, anyway, and I was there and I didn't know what to do anymore.
It should've been me. I knew it should've been me, and nothing you or anyone else - not even him - could have told me would have made a difference to my mind. To the me in my mind, the part of myself that knew that he was better than I was. That even though I had only known him for a couple of days - the blink of an eye, really, in the big grand scheme of things that I'll never really know or understand - that even though I didn't know him for that long that he was still always better than I was. That even though he was gone, he shouldn't have been. It should've been me.
I was protecting you. I was protecting you all, them all, us all. Protecting us from the enemy. From the Angels. Why are our enemies Angels? I never understood that, just like I never understood a lot of things. I just accepted it because you, because my father, because Asuka told me so. Because. Because because because.
Because isn't good enough anymore.
I remember the ocean rolling in and out and I remembered the tears I couldn't cry, not for Rei, not for him. Not because I didn't want to. Because they wouldn't come. I don't know why. But they wouldn't, not even when your tears for Kaji wouldn't stop. I just shut myself away when you cried, shut myself away like you shut yourself away and wished to some God that I didn't believe in anymore to make things better, or to at least make things go away. To make me numb. Like when I merged with Eva. Like when I wasn't really me anymore, like when I was a part of something else and there was this thing inside my head that I finally understood.
And then I heard you, somewhere far away but coming closer, screaming. Screaming loud, screaming, "Give me back my Shinji!"
Who is this person, your Shinji? Is he me? Is he someone else, a Shinji that only exists within your mind? One of the Shinjis that amounts to the whole only in the end, when all of humanity is seen from above as one big mind trying to fill in the holes that can't be filled? Is that me, is that who I am to you, is that who I am to the world?
I don't know who I am anymore. But that's not true because I know that I never knew who I was. No one ever did and no one ever will, because I'm not even really here.
There is no Shinji.
Who am I, again? Where am I, again?
I remember the beach, and the stars and the surf rolling in and out, and I remember that you were there only I didn't know if I really wanted you there or not. But you were there anyway.
And so was Shinji.
So Was Shinji
Yeah, I remember sitting on the beach that day. And you were there too, only I wasn't sure if I really wanted you there or not. I know you didn't want to be alone - I know you hate being alone, even though when you want to really torture yourself, you go off and shut yourself away. But you were there, anyway, and I was there and I didn't know what to do anymore.
It should've been me. I knew it should've been me, and nothing you or anyone else - not even him - could have told me would have made a difference to my mind. To the me in my mind, the part of myself that knew that he was better than I was. That even though I had only known him for a couple of days - the blink of an eye, really, in the big grand scheme of things that I'll never really know or understand - that even though I didn't know him for that long that he was still always better than I was. That even though he was gone, he shouldn't have been. It should've been me.
I was protecting you. I was protecting you all, them all, us all. Protecting us from the enemy. From the Angels. Why are our enemies Angels? I never understood that, just like I never understood a lot of things. I just accepted it because you, because my father, because Asuka told me so. Because. Because because because.
Because isn't good enough anymore.
I remember the ocean rolling in and out and I remembered the tears I couldn't cry, not for Rei, not for him. Not because I didn't want to. Because they wouldn't come. I don't know why. But they wouldn't, not even when your tears for Kaji wouldn't stop. I just shut myself away when you cried, shut myself away like you shut yourself away and wished to some God that I didn't believe in anymore to make things better, or to at least make things go away. To make me numb. Like when I merged with Eva. Like when I wasn't really me anymore, like when I was a part of something else and there was this thing inside my head that I finally understood.
And then I heard you, somewhere far away but coming closer, screaming. Screaming loud, screaming, "Give me back my Shinji!"
Who is this person, your Shinji? Is he me? Is he someone else, a Shinji that only exists within your mind? One of the Shinjis that amounts to the whole only in the end, when all of humanity is seen from above as one big mind trying to fill in the holes that can't be filled? Is that me, is that who I am to you, is that who I am to the world?
I don't know who I am anymore. But that's not true because I know that I never knew who I was. No one ever did and no one ever will, because I'm not even really here.
There is no Shinji.
Who am I, again? Where am I, again?
I remember the beach, and the stars and the surf rolling in and out, and I remember that you were there only I didn't know if I really wanted you there or not. But you were there anyway.
And so was Shinji.