I had never wanted it to be this way. I had my whole life ahead of me; she did too. God, why did it have to be this way? She didn't have to…but then again, neither did I. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
My name is John Fitzneil. I was like any normal 25 year old. I lived in a spacious apartment with my girlfriend Viv in Seattle. I was a pretty success architect for a local developer. Viv was a kindergarten teacher at the elementary school down the street. We were trying to have kids; I knew she wanted one of her own.
I don't think I noticed the change in Viv initially. The changes were small: she became less outspoken, her skin was a little paler and she started coming home later. At first, I was scared to think that she was cheating on me. I followed her after work one day to see if maybe I could find out anything, but all she did was walk to a park a few blocks away and then sit on a bench looking at the lake. For four hours, she didn't move from that spot. At precisely 7:30, she stood up, stuck her hands in her coat pockets, and walked home. That was it.
I was relieved that my fears had been assuaged, so I think I just considered the changes down as a sign of a bad cold. I should have talked to her… It was on October 15th, a Monday, cold and rainy like any other day in Seattle. I woke up and made breakfast as usual. What was different was that she made no effort to move when I brought it in to her. How foolish I was. Believing that she was just getting over her cold, I grabbed a pill from the bathroom and laid it next to her coffee cup on the tray and got ready for work.
I do remember I kissed her cheek before I left. I did that at least. I had an important presentation that day in front of the CEO of a company. I had procrastinated, so I had to go in early to finish it beforehand. With all the paperwork that had to be signed and signatures that had to be acquired to seal the deal, I had an extremely late day. My watch had just changed to 9:35 as I walked through the door. The whole apartment was dark and quiet, like an underwater cave. Flicking on the light switch, I called out Viv's name, half expecting to hear a reply. I shrugged when I didn't and just assumed that maybe she had taken a longer walk today than usual.
Loosening my tie, I walked up the stairs to the bathroom across from our bedroom. Even then it seemed strange to me that the door wouldn't open. I tried the knob a few times but then just resorted to shove my shoulder against it. It gave and I stumbled in to a heavy darkness. I searched for the switch on the wall; oh, if only I hadn't found it, but I did. I turned on the light to see Viv lying on the floor, her long black hair caked with blood. She was lying in the fetal position; I thought she was asleep. Reaching down, I saw the cold white skin of her arms covered in a sheet of red. I turned her over and for the first time in my life, I saw the face of a corpse. Reaching for her hand, my fingers brushed what had created the sea of blood. She had sliced her wrists 5 times on each arm with a box cutter. After that moment, all I can remember is a bloodcurdling scream coming from my own throat.
We had the funeral, cleaning up the body and dressing her in a long-sleeved dress to hide the cuts from her parents. Viv was well loved, so there were plenty of people there and they all had the same look on their faces. Towards the coffin, there was a look of extreme sadness, towards me, a look of disgusting pity. I didn't want their pity; I wanted Viv. I wanted her in my arms again, alive and happy. Damn it, I even had the engagement ring I was going to give her sitting heavily in my breast pocket. She would never wear it now.
Eventually, all the people were gone and I was once more in the silent apartment that had become a tomb to me. It was still cold and the silence and sheer emptiness of it felt like a blanket of stone on my shoulders. A month followed after the wedding. I still went to work, but it wasn't the same. My boss avoided having me meet with any potential clients. Come to think of it, everyone avoided me after the funeral. It's almost funny now that I think about it.
I made my decision on November 27th, Viv's birthday. I got dressed in my best suit, lit candles, baked a cake…She would have loved the party. It felt like she was with me as I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the ring box lying open the ring glittering in the candlelight. At the time Viv told me she had been born, I blew out the candles and went upstairs. I walked to our bedroom, dropping my tie along the way. Opening the door, I moved to the closet and walked in, closing the door behind me.
The coroners classified it as suicide by hanging. The belt had cut off circulation to the brain, leaving about 15 seconds before death. I must say, the undertakers did a fine job hiding the bruise on my neck.
So I promised myself I was going to wait on this story, but I couldn't help myself. Hopefully this will turn out well...
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