AN: Dedicated to kidishcaresh, without whom this would not be possible... as she gave me the site. Also, she has the first in this little arc/series of one-shot comedies... I guess it's the 'Things People Said' arc, as that's the name of the site this all came from. So, without further ado...
Alive But Without Permission
Sally blinked. Then read back over the chart once more. Surely she was reading this wrong. Slowly, to avoid any mistake, she read the intern's scribblings aloud.
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
No matter how she looked at it... the symptom still read the same. With no other option coming to mind... Sally burst out laughing.
And couldn't stop. She was sitting on the floor, leaning back against her desk by the time Wufei's head poked in the door.
"Sally? What the hell are you laughing about, woman!"
Sally couldn't answer she was laughing so hard, so she handed the patient chart of her friend.
Wufei blinked and read over the chart. She could see the exact moment he stopped and re-read the symptom. Then re-read it again.
A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"Are all the intern's at HQ this... confused?"
Sally shook her head, managing to bring herself back under control. "No."
Wufei sighed in relief.
"Some are worse," Sally grinned, and leaned up to open a desk drawer and remove a stack of photocopies. She handed these to Wufei. "That's definately going in the list, though."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room?" Wufei asked, reading the first chart. "That had to be... interesting. I hope nobody stepped on them," he concluded with a perfectly straight face.
Sally could only laugh.
"Keep going," Sally giggled.
"During her check-up, she was X-rated and sent home..." Wufei paused, stumped for a moment. "Oh, that must be Agent Mackenzie's file," he said at lenght.
Sally collapsed on the floor, hiding her face as the mental image of the... promiscuous... and very *busty* Maggie Mackenzie receiving an X-rating.
Wufei looked at the next page.
"He was numb from his toes down..."
"Toes down? That makes no sense."
Wufei and Sally looked up to see Heero leaning against the door.
"Patient was alert and unresponsive. Hmm. That's quite the feat, there. I should like to know how they managed that. Might prove useful," Wufei hummed, his smile growing wider by the second. He ignored the tell-tale snicker from the doorway. And, of course, ignored it when Heero came in and settled in Sally's now vacated chair.
Smiling, Wufei continued.
"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
Heero blinked. "Her knee disappeared? I did not think that was medically possible... short of amputation, of course."
Wufei caught the glittering gleam in Heero's eyes, and flipped to the next page.
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"Healthy yet decrepit... alert but forgetful," Trowa muttered, poking his head in the door after hearing the laughing.
"What people have written on medical charts," Heero supplied. Trowa nodded sagely and came in to settle down on the floor against the wall.
"What's the next one?"
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"So would I," Quatre giggled. Wufei looked up to see the blond leaning against Trowa comfortably, a bright smile on his face while Trowa was trying not to laugh. When had he come in? Hmm... I'll figure it out later, Wufei thought, and stopping his fit of chuckles, he moved on.
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"Yeah, sure," Trowa muttered. "That's exactly what Quatre would say about me."
Quatre blushed and swatted his lover even as the rest of the room erupted into laughter. At last... Wufei managed to read another...
""The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
#
Fifteen minutes later, Duo went in search of his partner who had mysteriously disappeared... and he heard loud... very loud... laughter coming from Sally's office. What the...
He leaned around to look in the doorway.
"Sally? Have you seen Wuf... Huh?"
Duo stared blankly at the scene in front of him. Wufei was sitting on the floor, laughing, and Sally was sprawled on her stomach, tears in her eyes, beating her fist against the floor. Heero was spinning wildly in Sally's chair, laughter freely coming from him. Trowa was sitting down, leaning against the wall, and Quatre was splayed across his lap in a fit of giggles.
Duo glanced at the stack of papers in Wufei's hand. That had to be very bad...
"Wufei...?"
The Chinese Preventer looked up at him, onyx eyes sparkling merrily. And then the man said only one sentence... which left Duo even more confused and leaving the room, muttering about calling a shrink.
"Discharge Status: Alive, but without Permission."
#
AN: Disclaimer: GW is of course, not mine. And neither are these real-life quotes off of patient charts. They have been taken, and in some cases changed, from Things People Said, a part of RinkWorks, a website.
Oh, and please check out kidishcaresh's fic, 'Fortune Cookie madness', as it is the sister fic to this!