Cigs and Secrets
"Hey," he said with slight hesitancy as way of greeting.
The cigarette smoke emanated from her parted lips indifferently, hanging in the air like a question left unanswered, as if to say: what the fuck do you want? She didn't look at him as he sat down beside her on the cold stair, just continued to smoke the cig. She reeked a certain animosity, her posture slumped against the cold, shoulders stiff beneath a thick striped sweater. Her fingers sifted fastidiously through holes in the sweater's knitted mishaps, wool frizzing with friction the way sweaters do when they've softened with age. Smoke drifted from the glowing end of her half smoked cig, ash departing the butt to the stair below. The scent of cloves clung to the atmosphere around her; she inhaled, smoke seeping from her mouth, ascending into the open air before dispersing.
"Lily…." He began quite lamely.
Her head shifted a fraction and her eyes drag across his face lethargically, her expression almost bored. "What is it?" She uttered apathetically, tapping her fore finger against the cig.
"Er, well…"
Tucking loose tendrils of red hair behind her ears, Lily breathed a sigh. She looked bloody exhausted. "Out with it, James. You've never been any good at apologies, it'll be less painful for the both of us if you skip the melodramatic shit and come out and say what you'd like. I know you've bloody rehearsed it on the way down here, don't play coy with me, Potter."
He snorted. "I don't bother with rehearsal. It's all spontaneity at this point, Evans."
She smirked, but it was bereft of pleasure. He sighed, ruffling his hair. "What I pulled today… that… that was shit. It was stupid, and I'm…well, uh, y'know… sorry, I suppose."
She nodded absentmindedly, her neck hitched upward, nose pointed to the motionless staircases above. "I presume that'll be all, Potter," dismissing him. Lily leaned back onto the stair, her knees propped against each other as she rested her elbows on the preceding steps.
"That's it?" He asked bewildered. "You're not gonna yell at me, or… I dunno question my methods of conscience and tell me what a wanker I am?"
"No," was all she said, the word simple and soft, almost gentle. "I'm tired of fighting. Fighting with you, arguing with Marlene, debating politics with every damn person in this school for my right to exist. It's mad." Lily continued to stare at the stairs shifting above them. James was surprised at the cig's longevity, still burning in between Lily's index and middle finger. With one last drag Lily stamped the butt out on the adjacent step.
James cleared his throat. She turned her neck infinitesimally and breathed the last bit of smoke from her mouth, the tip of her tongue slipping in between her lips. Fuck, that was hot. Her eyes fluttered shut, momentarily content.
And he was about to muck it all up.
"Listen, Evans…" her eyes remained closed, but a crease appeared above her brow in irritation. He sighed, "We've never been the best of mates," the corners of her mouth perked vaguely. "But, what I mean is…what I'm trying to say here is that if you should ever, um, need someone to, I dunno swap secrets with…I'd gladly…err, listen." And on that pathetic note he mercifully stop talking. Lily paused, nodding her head slowly, eyes still thankfully shut. Then, after a moment:
"Hmph," was all she supplied. James mussed his hair again and after a few moments of empty conversation and quiet breathing, he made a move to leave. "In second year I blew up Bertram Aubery's cauldron," Lily said rather hurriedly, not looking at James.
"That was you? You… blew up his cauldron? I've been convinced that was Remus for four years!"
Lily laughed into her palm, blushing. "Oh, god. I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, I didn't expect to…"
"…Absolutely destroy that idiot's entire potions kit? We'd been brewing that Chbosky Waterwright potion all quarter. Slughorn failed him."
"In my defense, he was being an awful prat, making fun of my hair. That was when I tried to color it lighter, do you remember? It looked absurd, I knew that of course but the dolt didn't have to tell me. And in front of everyone, too. I was so mad."
"If it makes you feel any better, in third year I was the one that set off the Filbusters in the teachers' commons," Lily's eyebrows shot up. "Pad…I mean-Sirius was with me. I made him swear not to tell anyone."
"Why not? That was fantastic, all our exams were postponed. Everyone would have worshipped you."
James rubbed his cheek. It was his turn to blush. "Well, the Chinese Everlasting firecracker, it sorta… caught my pants on fire. The whole back side of my thigh was burned to hell. I was limping for a month. Sirius never let me hear the end of it."
"Oh god, that's awful. My turn… hmmm. I hexed Mulciber last month."
It felt as if James was punched in the stomach. "Fuck, Evans… you-you could be in big trouble for that."
She smirked mirthlessly, her eyes fluttering shut as if it hurt her to remember.
"Yup. That's why Marlene's cross with me, we've been rowing for weeks…she was there when it happened. I just lost it, went batty," Lily rubbed her eyes tiredly. "People like him shouldn't…it's not right…they can't-shouldn't…."
"…Exist?" James prompted.
Lily shrugged, "I suppose that's sufficient, yes, exist."
"He'll remember that, y'know. Mulciber's too proud to forget."
"I know."
Neither of them offered any other means of conversation and let the words drift away from them and evaporate.
"It's getting late," James started. Lily looked up, surprised, as he moved to leave.
"It is late, Potter. We're way past curfew." She stood and brushed off her pants, not making eye contact as she passed him up the stair. "Come on then," she called from the top platform. James indulged himself with a small smile and bounded up the steps to meet her, following like he always did, chasing after her.