A/N: SPN Song Fic. Cas POV. Minor spoilers for Season 4. Reviews are love!
Disclaimer: I'm enjoying playing in Kripke's sandbox way too much. I would also like to mention that Sugarland and this song combined equal awesomeness!
Fall Into Me
Sugarland
It may have started as a job. He was a good soldier, he followed orders. It didn't matter to him what the orders were or where they sent him. All that mattered is that he was doing what his Father wanted of him and that was enough. Every job gave him purpose. But that was all before the last job. On that job something changed. On that job, he found something that was more important to him that all the orders he had ever been given. On that job he had found Dean.
Pulling him from Hell had been a difficult task. Any time an angel entered the bowels of Lucifer's lair there was risk involved. It didn't matter to him though, it was what his Father had wanted and so it should be. But, once that part of the job had been completed he found himself faced with something he had never expected…a human with a soul so pure in purpose that he found himself attracted to it as a moth to a flame…knowing all the while that, like the moth, he would probably end up burned.
He had never seen a human so intent on throwing his own existence to the wind to save those around him. It didn't seem to matter who they were, friends, strangers…family. He lived only to protect with no thought of his own personal well being. Each day that passed brought another opportunity to watch him serve a higher purpose, seek out the evils of the world and risk everything to end them. Through their interaction he had come to see the beauty and grace that was humanity. Through him he had found that he no longer wanted to see his brother's plans come to fruition. He couldn't bear the thought of losing all of these beautiful creatures to a sibling spat…especially not this one.
When the weight of the world bears down so strong
You leave footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be
The one you reach for first
But…this human had been chosen, destined really…he was to face the greatest fight of them all. He was tapped to be the Sword of Michael. It was too much to ask of any man. To hold the fate of the world in your hands, the very existence of your race balancing upon your will to fight was a burden that should never rest on the shoulders of so fragile a creature. He knew that Dean would fight, to the exclusion of all else, to keep the inevitable from happening. Strangely, he had faith in that fight, he believed that if anyone could resist, could stop the coming battle, it was this man.
He contemplated his options for a long while. He could stand by his Father and do his best to ensure that Michael's vessel was prepared or he could stand by this man and offer what little support he may have within him to give. He came to the only decision that seemed to fit. He rebelled against everything that made him Castiel and chose to protect this one man, with all he was if necessary. He would do anything to ease the load that had been placed on those shoulders, anything to bring him even one night of peaceful slumber, anything to keep him safe.
When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see straight through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile
'cause your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and hide before
The day can get much worse
I wanna be
The one you reach for first
It pained him so to know that this beautiful warrior thought himself beyond redemption. His words could not break through the years of self-doubt and guilt that had built up within him. His assurances would not be enough to open his eyes to the light that he could see burning within him. Too much had been done to break his spirit. Too many losses and too much pain had etched itself upon his heart. Too many fears that could never be voiced screamed within his mind, blocking anything that the angel could say from getting through.
There were moments, he saw them clearly, when the weight grew to be too much. He knew that the strength that kept him fighting was slowly being drained. He saw the growing feeling of hopelessness that stole a tiny piece of his essence each day. For each victory it seemed as if there were three more battles waiting to be fought and, although he was brave, no one person could ever win them all. He knew there were times, more and more frequently, when everything seemed to be insurmountable, when all he wanted was to lock himself away from the rest of the world and close his eyes…hoping to wake from a nightmare that had become his only reality.
Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don't have to say a word
'cause I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be
The one you reach for first
There were times when he wished that he could manifest his wings. He wanted badly to take Dean and wrap him in the safety of those wings. When he saw that pain screaming behind his eyes he wanted nothing then to protect him and keep him safe from further harm. He understood the things the man had been through, what had been done to him…what he had been forced to do. He knew how hard it was, each day, for him to open his eyes and take one more step forward in the war.
He tried desperately to ease the pain, both physical and emotional, that were taking such a toll. Without his full Grace he was limited in his abilities and the frustration was overwhelming. He would do anything to earn this man's trust. He wanted more than anything to provide the outlet he so badly needed for his pain and grief…for the fear he was unable to share with anyone else.
I wanna be the bottle
You've been drinking with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been running all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be
The one you reach for first
He could see that Dean was reaching out, in his own way, seeking something that would help him to face another day. He tried to drown himself in his vices. He tried to find solace in the women he met and used but that just brought more guilt and yes, even shame. When that brought no comfort he turned to the alcohol that had once dulled his senses. But now, even that numbness could not be achieved.
He watched as Sam tried to help his brother find his faith again. They were both sure that he had had it once…long ago. They thought that if he could just believe that there was a purpose to all they were put through, if Castiel could make him see that his Father would not forsake them, then maybe they could ease some of the turmoil that stirred within him. But, when he could not produce proof, could not even find his Father…that hope had died.
Dean needed something or someone to believe in. Castiel wanted badly to be that one sure thing that would never let him down. He knew that if he could just break through those walls that Dean had so carefully built around him, that he could become the focus that Dean needed so badly. He needed to make him see that he was no longer just an angel… he was his angel. He was there for him to do with as he pleased, to live or die for him, to love him.
Fall into me
My arms are open wide
You don't have to say a word
'cause I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be
The one you reach for first
He was not unfamiliar with the human concept of love. He had spent a good deal of time watching those around him. He knew there were different forms of this love. People loved many different things in many different ways. There was the love of a person for a place or an item that has special meaning to them. There was the love of a mother for her child or a person for their friends. There was the love between a man and a woman that culminated in procreation. Love was a very complex thing to understand.
But what Castiel had found in his observations was that there was one love that was more powerful than any other. It was this love that he knew he was now feeling for Dean. It was this love that existed between the brothers. Many humans believed that they had one true soul mate.
Although a soul mate could be a romantic partner it didn't have to be. It was truly the resonance of energy that existed between two people who were destined to be together forever. Dean and Sam had been born as soul mates. They had been put together for a greater purpose. But this did not mean there was no room for him in their lives. He knew that a soul could be bonded to more than one other and he felt that bond the moment he had laid his hands on Dean in Hell. He knew that, no matter what, there was no going back for him…he would be with Dean forever.
Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away to fight those demons waiting for you in your dreams
Before your arms are stretched wide open
Before you're reaching to the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers to your whys
Fall into me
Oh my arms are stretched wide open
You don't have to say a word
Because I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And I know it hurts
Yes it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be
The one you reach for first
Once he had been an Angel of the Lord. Now he served a higher purpose. Now he devoted his entire being to a cause greater than any he had served before. He had forsaken Heaven, forsaken his Father and his brothers. But, in exchange he had found a new heaven…a new home…and a new family. In the midst of this war, standing beside these brothers, he had found a new peace.