No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like, 'remember that time when you were grinding with'- No. And do you know why? Because italics, this night did not happen.

- Barney Stinson

Lips crash together in a violent, hungry fashion. Your hands run through soft, dark, luscious hair. You feel warm, thin fingers gracefully fall onto your arms, and even though you have a long sleeved shirt on, so many goose bumps prickle their way onto the skin beneath tan fingertips.

This is the hottest make out session you've ever had.

Too bad it's not with your girlfriend.

/ /

Jade's parents are out of town. The group of six friends come over to eat cheese puffs and play retro party games.

But Jade is involved and there's no adult supervision. You've known Jade long enough to know that's not what's going to go down at all.

No one is shocked when Jade picks the lock on her dad's liquor cabinet and thrusts a bottle of amber liquid into her boyfriend's hand. Let's bring some life to this chizzhole of a party, she says, smiling for once in her damn life, since breaking the law is the only thing that brings her joy.

But it's not like you're robbing a bank. Everyone drinks at this age. It's all in good fun.

Bottoms up.

/ /

Jack Daniels is your new best friend.

Beck is still up there, but Jack is a good man and he makes things really fuzzy and fun.

Sooner or later the bottle is empty. A few bottles are empty, actually. It's not just Mister Daniels. His friends Captain Morgan and Jose Cuervo are in on the party too.

Ke$ha music is blaring from God knows where and God knows who turned it on in the first place. Robbie has taken his shirt off, Cat can't stop giggling and Rex is in Jade's dishwasher.

Good times.

Tori gets up to go to the bathroom, because her tiny, perfect bladder can only hold so much alcohol at once, and she accidentally kicks the spout of the empty bottle. It had been abandoned there when you had the honors of lapping up the last drop because, well, what good is it now that it was empty?

As the opening of the bottle points at Jade and the raven haired girl drags pretty, perfect Miss Vega into her lap and ruby red lips collide with bitter, angry ones, you start to realize that maybe it was good for something besides making you and your friends act silly and crazy.

But hey.

Perfect, perfect Tori and her perfect, perfect bladder belong to you.

Then why are you enjoying the show so much?

/ /

They don't seem like the type of people to get sloppy drunk and dine on one another's faces as if it's no big deal, do they?

People can surprise you.

/ /

Cat shrieks something about spin the bottle with a voice that could shatter the thickest of glass walls in Jade's huge, luxurious home. As Tori slinks out of Jade's lap and crawls to the bathroom to relieve herself before she ruins the perfect white carpets with her not-so-perfect urine, Cat spins the bottle as hard as she can.

As the glass container stops its twirling dance, it points at Robbie, who is absolutely fascinated by his nipples. That is, until Cat mashes her lips against his and he licks her bubble gum lip gloss off in an extremely buzz killing manor.

However, Cat has had one too many shots for her teeny little self to handle, so she squeals- yes, squeals- in pleasure before she rolls on the ground and you have a pretty decent view up her dress.

But Cat's like a sister to you, so you don't ogle.

Or you wouldn't have if you were sober.

Beck, who is sitting across from you, decides that it's his turn. He fumbles when he spins, because his hands get shaky when he drinks. The bottle barely spins.

To be exact, it only spins one hundred and eighty degrees.

Your dark brown eyes lock with his. You're best friends. And you're dudes. Even though you're absolutely wasted, you both know this ain't right.

C'mon you pansy ass bitches, we all did it, Jade taunts as she attempts to shove Beck closer to you. When he doesn't budge and you're frozen in awkward terror, Jade finally has it and lifts Beck to his feet.

Before you even know what's going on, you feel two small hands press onto your back and shove your toward an open door you never really noticed, even when you were sober. Tori's back from her bathroom break and has apparently caught onto what was going on pretty easily, because she's pestering you with Do it, André! and It'll be easier in this dark, smelly closet or something of that manner, because you honestly don't remember what she said verbatim.

And somehow, you and Beck end up in a coat closet with a locked door and Jade muttering something about giving them seven minutes to stop being pansy ass bitches.

You and Beck spend two of those minutes staring at each other awkwardly and swaying and wobbling every now and then.

Finally, Beck says something. "Dude, our girlfriends do know that we aren't gay, right?"

You just kind of shrug. "We know that they aren't gay. It's s'posed to be for fun… I guess."

You don't know why you're defending the girls' desire to have the two boys play smushy face.

Kissing dudes is totally gay.

And somehow, for some reason that you can't remember because you're, y'know, drunk and all, you and Beck end up on the floor, lips crashing together, yours hands in his hair and his fingertips making your forearms tingle.

My my, this is a familiar scene.

/ /

Beck doesn't feel like Tori. Beck feels different.

And you are not at all referring to Beck's lack of perky, perfect breasts.

Or to the bulge in his pants that you totally noticed.

Tori smells like lavender and tastes like pink lemonade, which is why you always liked the beverage so much. Beck, on the other hand, smells like Old Spice and tastes like tequila, but you wonder what he tastes like when he hasn't been drinking. Maybe ketchup.

You have been known to enjoy ketchup a little more than the average person.

Does Beck even eat ketchup?

But why does this feel so much different than making out with Tori?

Tori is amazing, you know that with all your heart. You love her more than anything, more than anybody. But sometimes when two become one, you feel like every move you make has to be flawlessly perfect, just like her.

She'll tell you she's not perfect, but she's also a big friggin' liar, that's what she is.

And, y'know, perfect.

But Beck, you don't have to worry about making the right move with him. You're just kissing and touching and you're both fumbling about because neither of you have ever kissed someone of the same sex before, so neither of you really know what to do, so you're just making stuff up as you go along.

And yet you like every minute of it.

You'd rather it be Tori, but Beck does kinda look like Tori. Tan, thin, too gorgeous for words. And Beck doesn't mind imperfection.

He's been dating Jade for a few years now, after all.

/ /

Jade throws the door open after the seven minutes are up, and she actually looks surprised to see you two all over each other. She tells you both to stop being fags and walks away with a pair of scissors in her hands, eyes dead set on perfect, perfect Tori and her perfect, perfect hair.

Meh. Tori will get away before Jade can do any damage. She always does.

Beck looks at you and you look at him. He gets off of you, as he had been on top for a minute or two, and holds out a hand to help you up. You take it. "So…"

As if things hadn't been awkward before.

"Look, Beck, bro… This didn't happen."

There, you said it. It had to be said.

Beck looks relieved. "Yeah. This never happened. Hell, we probably won't remember all this tomorrow morning anyway…"

You both share a good chuckle, just like best friends should, even though best friends don't usually get so close to sliding into second base.

"I should probably stop Jade before she cuts Robbie's nipples off or something," Beck mumbles, running a hand through the hair that you hand had previously been through. But before he leaves, he leans closer to you and whispers something. "You wanna know something?"

You tense up when he gets this close to you, but you don't know why. He was far closer just minutes before. "What?"

"That Tori Vega is one lucky girl." Beck winks before he walks away, leaving you to lean against the opening of the closet and mull over that.

You have no idea what to make of that.

You've only gotten drunk two other times before this, but this was definitely the most exciting experience of them. And that's saying something, since the time before this one, you ended up handcuffed to Trina, and you were wearing her Fazzini boots.

Beck's not gay and neither are you.

But hey, people can surprise you.

What's this I don't even-

I'm… I'm so sorry for this. I know I apologize for a lot of my fics, but seriously… this one's a doozy.

I just wanted to write for a pairing that's never really been done. How many Bendre fics have you read?

That's what I thought.

Please don't be too critical.

Or do. I wrote this in one sitting.

I'm tired.