First of all a big warning: this fic contains potentially triggering description of self harm. If you are or have been a self harmer this may make you hurt yourself so please be sensible and don't read it if you may be negatively affected.

Secondly, this is pretty angsty. With the given subject it could be nothing else. I'm not writing this to upset or offend people and I hope I don't. I'm writing this in the hope that it will bring understanding about something which is still a taboo in many areas of society. Unless you've been there then you probably can't understand why someone would deliberately harm themselves but I have been there and I do understand. However, saying all that, everyone is different and what is true for one person may not be true for another. This is just my opinion.

As usual, I don't own CSI.

Just Had A Good Day

Sara cuddled up to Gil on the sofa, she needed to feel him close to her. It had been a difficult week with countless emotional cases which had hit Sara hard. Gil had also been on edge, watching her, ready to hold her together if she broke. But she hadn't, Gil was surprised and cautious but had eventually relaxed.

He held her tightly, equally needing the comfort that she brought. After seeing humans doing horrific things to each other on a daily basis he needed this time with her, to come home to her warmth, they each needed each other to survive.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go to bed." He kissed her forehead and took her hand to lead her into the bedroom.

After changing into her pyjamas and cleaning her teeth, Sara slid into bed beside Gil and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love you Sara." Gil muttered sleepily, kissing her forehead before dropping off into the land of nod.

When Gil woke up he was alone in bed, the space beside him was cold. He could just see the light coming in under the bathroom door. Sara must be in there. He lay there watching the door for ten minutes before getting worried. Why had she been in there for so long? Was she sick?

He jumped out of bed and knocked on the door, he didn't wait for an answer before pushing the door open and gazed down at the sight in front of him.

A wave of incomprehensible horror washed over him.

Sara self harming.

Sara cutting her own skin.

Sara making herself bleed.

Sara so distressed that she couldn't talk to him, couldn't talk to anyone, instead she chose to sit alone, hunched on the bathroom floor and cut herself.

How had he not seen this coming? He'd seen the pale, silvery scars that crossed her left forearm in neat parallel lines. He knew about self harm, no one could work in law enforcement for long and not see it a few times. He'd seen it in countless abuse victims and he knew Sara had been abused. At the back of his mind he had always suspected but he had chosen to ignore it, chosen to believe alternate explanations for the marks.

But faced with the blood, with the fresh wounds, with the razor blade lying bloodied on the floor beside her, he could ignore it no longer.

She looked up at him with terror in her eyes, the fear of being caught during the act of her old coping mechanism. He would leave her now, she was sure of it. Or have her committed. She'd lose her job, she'd lose him, she'd lose everything important to her and just because of one stupid moment of weakness.

They stared at each other for a few seconds but it felt like hours. Gil finally broke the stalemate, realising that his reaction to this startling revelation could be the most important thing he ever did. He could make or break their relationship, possibly even Sara as a person.

For the first few moments, he didn't trust his voice, didn't trust the words that might come out. Instead he silently took the first aid kit from their bathroom cabinet and knelt down in front of her.

"It's ok, Sara, it's ok. I love you." The words came out instinctively, he didn't need to think about them. He just knew they needed saying, she had to know.

Those three words were exactly what she needed to hear. Tears pooled in her eyes and then dripped down her cheeks as she watched him tenderly wash the wounds she had inflicted upon herself and bandage them. He spoke to her soothingly as he did it, grounding her in reality, preventing her from dissociating, letting her know that he was still there.

He stood up, took her hand and led into the living room. She complied, allowing him to sit her on the sofa and wrap the throw around her shoulders. Tears were still trickling down her cheeks so he got a box of tissues from the bedroom and a glass of water from the kitchen and placed them on the coffee table.

"Will you talk to me about it?" He asked her gently.

She took a deep breath, dreading having to explain why, how could she when she didn't really understand herself? Then she remembered how he had told her he loved her, even after seeing what she had done, what she was and she felt new strength, he deserved her honesty. She had to try even though she didn't want to because she loved him and he loved her. So she nodded.

"Why?"

"To make it all away. So that I can feel again."

"Make what go away?"

"The anger, the fear, the memories, bad thoughts. They all get too much, make me numb so that I can't feel anything. But cutting releases the pressure, it purges me, gives me my control back, gives me something to focus on, something natural."

"When did it start?"

"I'm not sure." She whispered looking down at her hands. "I can't remember a time when I didn't do it, in some way. But like this, cutting, since I was ten. It got worse though, after my mom killed my dad, when I was in foster care."

"Before tonight, when was the last time you did it?"

"Just before we got together." She whispered feeling even more ashamed of herself.

"What made you stop?" He asked holding her hand in his.

"You." She replied in a shaky voice. "After we got together, I just didn't feel the need to any more, being with you, talking about things to you. I didn't feel the urge. But after the last few days, it came back, I had to. I'm sorry Gil I've let you down. I tried to stop it, tried to get through this week without it but I couldn't, I was too weak. I'm sorry." He must hate her know, she thought, how could he not now that he knew the truth about her.

"You're not weak, Sara." Gil said fiercely. "You've just been through more than you could cope with. But I promise, you'll get through this. I'll do whatever it takes to help you. I promise, we'll get through this together and we'll come out of it stronger."

"I really thought I'd beaten it this time Gil. But it's stronger than I am."

"No, it's not. You're way stronger, you can beat this, I know you can."

"I don't think I can. I'm always going to be a self harmer. Even the days that I don't cut I'm just a self harmer who's had a good day. No matter how hard I try, and how long I go without doing it, I always go back in the end."

"Will you try once more, to give it up?"

"I'm not sure I can." She muttered, hearing the love in his voice and hating herself for hurting him.

"All I'm asking is for you to try. I'm not going to make you promise to stop just like that. I think this is an addiction and you can't just stop suddenly, you've got to ease yourself off it. And I'll support you, and help you. I'll do everything I can to help you. I love you Sara."

"You don't hate me? You're not disgusted by what I do?"

"Nothing could ever make me hate you. Or be disgusted by you. I love you, it just reminds me how much you've been through and how strong you are. You're stronger than this, I know you are."

Thanks for reading. Reviews would make my day.