Prompt: What did Irvine Feel after the Galbadia attack?
Pairing: None
Beta: No one.
Disclaimer: Not Mine
Rating: PG-13
Extras: I'm sorry if there is any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, I did not have a beta this time. So please go light on me about that.
I have always wanted to write a piece from Irvine's P.O.V after the Galbadian attack on Balamb.
Back to the wall, crouched, hat low to cover his eyes; No one would notice the shaking right? It wasn't that bad yet, he had a good hold of the rifle against his side. Nah, no one would notice a lone cowboy in the hallway against a wall, they had no reason too...
It had all been orders, as it always was, for everyone. They wouldn't have wanted to work for Edea, to fight against the other garden and be at war, it was all orders. Funny that, no one had even spared a moment to realise, to contemplate that he had been one of them. Sure now he was with Balamb, with the people he had grown up with, but they had been friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and teachers. He had known some of them so well he could make them out across the field as they had ran through. Bodies on the ground of people he had trained with, had class with, dated, and messed around with.
Nah no one had taken anytime, he had held himself well, and no one had been the wiser to what he had been feeling inside the whole time. You just didn't have time to rationalise things when you were in the middle of battle, it was after that it hit you.
Part of him felt like a betrayer for fighting against them but they were fighting for Edea! But then that too, Matron, what had happened to her to make her like this? He remembered the sweet woman who had cared for them as children, and now she was this woman who had declared war on the gardens and the world. It just made no sense, he couldn't have shot her and he just couldn't have. Irvine Kinneas remembered many of things but he didn't remember his birth parents, Edea Kramer was the closest thing he had ever had to a mother and the others from the orphanage the closest thing to a family. That bond went deep, deep enough he had killed beside them people he had cared about too.
He knew he didn't have time to think on it, not nearly enough time, he wasn't one to brood like Squall, or take too long to make decisions but this was different. So many people snuffed out, so many he had known, he had never thought to be on the opposite side, he had thought he would be fighting beside them not against them! This wasn't what he had thought would happen...
To many images swam, to many people's faces, and to many voices he would never hear again. He had to get up, he had to keep going, but for just a little bit he would stay here against this wall. No one would notice that he was shaking harder now, right? That his grip on the gun was faltering because of a sweaty hand and his eyes were clenched hard enough to hurt his eyes. No...No one would notice.
He'd go on like nothing happened and no one would be the wiser, no one would see him have another break down. He wouldn't be unreliable again, he'd get over this. Just...a little longer, crouched against the wall in an abandoned hallway, just a little longer with the hat low enough over his face no one could see the tears that streaked through dirt. He'd force himself to push this aside and move on, he had to help, but this little bit was for him, was for everybody he had lost. Nothing would be the same, and it hurt, damn did it hurt. You knew you would get blood on your hands as a mercenary, as a SeeD, but never did you think it would the blood of your comrades. No...Never that, his open hand clenched against his side, his shoulders were quaking by now.
Stop thinking on it! You can't let it eat you up inside. It would be a while before he would be able to look at their photos again; Irvine hauled himself to his feet still shaking. Angrily he wiped tears away with his fist and took in a deep breath, back to it. Back to them and back to trying to save the world, he had taken the time to himself and now he would go on. He'd think more on it after all of this, after they had saved the world. He didn't have the time now, things to important were being played out and somehow he was a key character just like the rest of the Orphanage gang. So when the war ended he would think on all of them again, try to somehow honour their memory.
No one was there in the hall, no one noticed the shaking shoulders set themselves straight and another deep breath be taken in as Irvine forced his heart to quiet. No one would notice he was missing for a while; yah...No one would the wiser.