Stephanie accepts Joe's ring and that sets off trouble and heavenly intervention.

WARNING: THERE IS VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL REFERENCES

Of course the characters are mainly JE's

Chapter One: In the coffee shop

I stared at the ring on my finger. It was one carat, maybe a little more, white gold. Smaller than the one Dickie Orr pressed upon me, but then Joe Morelli is a civil servant and would never be able to afford anything exceptional.

We'll get by, the same way my parent's get by, scraping and saving. It will be a step up from where I've been for the last few years, just scraping by without saving.

The coffee was cold but I didn't care, I sipped it infrequently not even tasting it. My mind was whirling around inside head. Joe did have a fine ass and was very good in bed. Maybe not Ranger level but I hadn't that that much practice with Ranger. Joe is creative if not a little immature with his bedroom routines, but they are fun. I tried to think of another positive attribute for Joe only to latch onto he was respected in the Burg. Was the promise of respectability all I wanted?

I didn't hear the voice at first but I noticed the fragrance. I couldn't quite place it, reminded me of the incense used in church, back when I went to church, many years ago. But this fragrance has more floral overtones. I looked up into the amber brown eyes of a woman. She was asking me a question, but I couldn't understand her.

"My I sit here, every other seat in the shop is taken and I really need to sit for awhile."

I mumbled acceptance and went back to my mental explorations. I peeked at her from time to time, she was staring out the window, eyes far away. Her skin was lovely, a little darker than mine. Her brown hair had streaks of blonde or grey and was pulled back gracefully into a creative chignon. Her nose was slender, mouth full and set into a semi smile as if thinking of happy times. I envied her. The skin around her eyes were crinkled, her neck was flawless, there were no channels down from her mouth. If I had to guess her age, I'd say 40 at the most.

"You have a big problem," she said.

I looked up surprised. "Pardon me, ma'am?"

"You've been sighing for the last two hours and twirling that engagement ring around."

"Two hours!" I gasped.

"You have work to get back to?"

"No, I've quit."

"Did't you enjoy your job?"

I thought about being a bond apprehension agent and crawling through garbage, exploding cars, guys with guns..."It had it's moments" I thought, especially when Ranger rescued me.

"So why did you quit?"

"My fiancée insisted. He said it was too dangerous for the future mother of his children."

"He may have a point. What does he do?"

"He's a cop."

Her eyes shot up and she laughed a beautiful laugh. "He's a cop and says your job was too dangerous. What did you do, bomb disposal?"

I smiled, it was ironic.

"So, all this ring twirling, sighing, and scowling is about your upcoming marriage?"

I was scowling? Yes, I probably was. I shrugged.

" Engagements are a time of happiness, you hardly seem happy."

I sighed. "It's complicated." That was an understatement. My whole life was complicated. Here I am trying to untangle it and I feel...how do I feel? Empty.

"So why are you two engaged to get married. Are you pregnant?" She asked.

"No, no, after years of dancing around each other, we've decided to get married." Was that why I said yes to Joe's proposal? What exactly did he say to me that night? How strange, the only words I remember are "we both need to grow up." Are we growing up or growing old? I wasn't sure.

"Dancing is fun, but doesn't automatically lead to marriage. Usually you marry someone who holds you tight and loves you no matter what happens."

My heart sank, that sounded more like Ranger. "We seem to fit together." Yeah, Burg kids, doing what is expected of us, smothered by family expectations, slowly strangled by traditions. Love is secondary. I've never seen my parents show any tenderness towards one another. And in Joe's family violence, drunkenness seems to run rampant.

"Good fits are for clothes and shoes. Marriage is how well you function together as a couple in times of stress as well as happiness."

"We don't always fit together well... we argue a lot."

"Why?"

That was a good question, why do Joe and I argue so much? "He tells me what to do and what not and then yells no matter what I do. He finds me very frustrating."

"Are you purposely provoking him, my dear?"

That caused me to hesitate. Do I provoke Joe? "No, I'm just not subservient." I've always resented people telling me what to do without me able to question why. It drove my mother to...drink? Was I the one to introduced her to Johnny Walker?

"Marriage is compromise, relaxing of egos, not seeking authority over the other. It is different than a parent instructing a child."

Wow, was she a mind reader! How did she know about my problems with my mother? What did she say about egos and compromising? "Yes, he could use more ego relaxing and less dictating."

"My dear, do you know what marriage is all about?" She asked.

"I imagine sex, kids and housekeeping, cub scouts, ballet lessons, you know the Mommy stuff", I said.

" Do you want to be a Mommy?"

"Maybe someday. Well not really."

"Not exactly a stand up and cheer answer. So answer this in three or less words, 'Why are you getting married?"

I pressed my thumb to my fingers, I-don't-know. No, that wouldn't work. "I am tired." That was a good start I thought, "I am tired of my mother trying to get me married off, again. I am tired of her hinting not so obtusely that I need to start kicking out kids. I am tired of him also hinting I need to settle down, be a nice Burg woman and start the baby machine."

"I heard nothing about your wants."

"I can't make up my mind. I don't remember ever being so wish-washy. I used to know exactly what I wanted, even if it was ridiculous. Now I'm not sure what I want, maybe just peace, quiet, and security."

"My dear, this is the 21st century USA. Western women are not conscripted to be wives and mothers if they don't want. My fellow women and I didn't prance around burning our bras so the next generations would succumb to the same female stereotypical roles."

I looked at her, "You burned your bra?"

Looking down at her generous bust she said, "No me personally. Bras to hold up these melons are expensive. I wasn't about to burn one. But I've protested, marched to get women a chance to be a contributing part of society, the right to own property, the right attend school, the right to vote, the right to fair treatment in the courts and society, the right to hold any job they are qualified for."

"The right to vote? How old are you?"

"Old."

"What 50?"

Laughing, "Oh no, much older than that. Tell me about your betrothed?"

I went on to explain how we met at 6 when he wanted to play choo choo. And again at 16 when he took my virginity behind the pastry case. Of course I had to include running him over with the Buick when he refused to acknowledge me when he returned from the Navy.

"We didn't get together again until my first bond apprehension job. He was the one who skipped bail and I had to bring him in. "

"And why did you get back together?"

"I don't know, maybe the sex," I blushed.

"The sex when you were 6 or 16?"

I looked at her as if she couldn't possibly understand.

She sighed, "The first interaction was childhood sexual curiosity. The second was probably rape. He was the hot stuff wasn't he? You were secretly honored he took you behind the pastry case. I'm surprised you started up again after you captured him. Why would a woman go back to Mr. Hottie who raped her unless she had a failed relationship, maybe marriage and betrayal. Mr. Hottie was the last person who wanted you and you needed to be wanted again."

I was so mad I couldn't move, but there were parts that made sense.

"Why are you punishing yourself? Because your first marriage failed? Did your Camelot not come true? You knew he wasn't a good choice, you suspected he was unfaithful, but the potential to be important and wealthy in the community was more important."

"My family thought he was great?"

Really? Did your father do any male bonding with him? Did you mother see past his law degree? "

Seriously who is this woman? Is she from the Berg and I've never met her?

"You are acting like you are not worth happiness. You are busy listening to others and not your own heart."

"But I want Joe."

"Do you? Do you really want him until you die."

Laughing, "In my job, that could be tomorrow."

"You no longer have that job. You could be married for 60 years. Sixty years of arguments, his telling you how to live your life."

I looked pained.

"'Shoes feeling a little tight? When you enter into marriage you each bring 100% of yourself into the union. You accept him for his attributes but also for his faults. There is no 50:50. You cannot change him once you are married. The only person you can change is you and you need to have that done before you say "I do."

I sat still wondering if I can change or should I change?

Also, there cannot be anyone else in your life. No "what ifs" or "could have beens." That's part of the 50:50 you cannot bring to a relationship. Are you 100% committed to him or is there someone else?"

"Umm"

She raised her eye brow.

"So you aren't 100% committed to him, what percentage would you assign to your fiancée?"

"I don't know "

"Number!" She barked at me making me gasp in surprise.

"Ok, maybe 50%...or less, probably less."

"Are you sleeping with the other?"

"Not often, we are more like...friends with hot kisses."

She didn't approve but said nothing.

"Do you respect your betrothed?"

"I think I do."

"Not if you are giving hot kisses to #2."

"Do you honor him? Never mind, you are giving hot kisses to #2.

"Do you love your fiancée?"

"Hmmm, I guess."

"How often do you tell each other you love one another?"

"Ah, not very often." Have I ever told Joe I love him, outside of the bedroom?

So you assume he loves you and he assumes you love him. You are entering into a marriage contract without knowing and understanding each other's feelings, you are not 100% committed. Why do you want to make him and yourself miserable?

Maybe we...

There's no maybes in marriage. Why does he want to marry you?

To have a family.

And I go back to an earlier question, do you want a family?

Family, thought of Mrs. Morellis, Bella, Mooch as my new family and I was ill. Then I thought of children, Morelli children and I shuddered.

"Let's move on, this second man in your life...it is a man, isn't it?"

"Sheesh, yes."

"OK, this second man, can you give him up completely?"

"I'd like to stay friends as he helps me with my work."

"But you aren't working that job anymore. You are becoming a mommy, at least that is what your husband expects of you."

It fully hit me, I won't be seeing Ranger any more. No more Rangeman, no more Merry Men. Panic gripped me.

"I'm curious, do you love #2?"

"Yes I do love him."

"Does he love you?"

"He says he does but he's not into commitment until he gets his Karma together."

"He's Buddhist?"

"No, he's done bad things, soldier type things and it has wounded his soul."

"Even God employees soldiers, an infinite number. The war against evil is continuous. Every heard of Archangel Michael and St. George? They are but two among the legions of legions.

I remained mute and watched her take a sip of tea.

"My dear, how is #2 repairing his Karma? Perhaps through repentance, unselfish good deeds, love, seeking forgiveness...

"Maybe I am his good deeds, he keeps helping me get out of trouble."

"Does #1 help you out of trouble?"

"Not often."

"Does #2 respect you?"

"Yes, he supports me in my decisions, encourages me and never degrades me privately or in front of others."

"So how has the second man taken to your engagement? "

"I don't know. We haven't talked. He was away again for long time. I suspect I've really hurt him."

You haven't talked to him? You said he loves you, he opened himself to you. You two exchange hot kisses but you haven't told him you'll stand by him, whatever he's done. Instead you accept #1's ring to satisfy your mother because you are "tied." Don't you think he desires an explanation?'

"He's the one who told me years ago to go back to Joe."

So now you are making yourself miserable and entering into a marriage that has no love, no respect, no honor, no commitment. Wait a minute, do you expect #2 will rescue you again? You expect a man you have emotionally gutted to come riding in on his white horse and rescue you?"

No way I could picture Ranger on a white horse, maybe a dark one. Wait! is that really what I'm doing?

"You are one piece of work lady, you have been playing one against the other. You have emotionally scarred Mr. Hot Kisses and if you marry #1, you'll make him miserable and pity the children, if you have any. Let's not talk about further eroding your own self image. Why? To satisfy your mother and the community...again?

I felt all the blood leave my face, bells started clanging in my head. The lady jumped up and pulled me around on my chair and pushed my head between my knees. When I sat back up and began breathing normally again she asked quietly, "What are you going to do now?"

"Give back the ring."

"And...?"

I don't understand.

"When you injure someone, what do you do?

"Seek forgiveness."

"From whom will you seed forgiveness?"

"Joe and Ranger, and myself. Joe because I'm not totally in love with him and cannot commit to him. Ranger for not supporting him in his healing and in letting him know I'll be with him wherever he is on his journey. And myself for being weak."

"You've forgotten at least one more, dear. Your mother. She is happy and wants you happy too. Her perspective is a bit narrow, forgive her."

I thought about my mother, my father and my grandmother. Each tried in their own way to allow me to grow to where I could be happy. Geez, when am I going to understand life? When am I going to learn to stand up on my own?

"My dear, you begin this journey with forgiveness."