The entire evening was a candle in the night; a spark of warmth and glow in what had been three years of war and steady loss. It seemed as though every person they knew was in the house, nibbling on tarts and engaging in light conversation about weather, holidays, household stories, anything but politics and war. Felicity and Elizabeth stood on the perimeter of this, just near a doorway, watching the spectacle of it all. Parties had been so few and far between since the war started. Felicity wanted to soak this one in from every perspective, instead of throwing herself into it and drinking it up so quickly it soaked through and went away.
"Do you think he ever smiles?" Felicity asked Elizabeth without fully turning to her.
"Who, Levi?" Elizabeth asked, sipping a glass of wine and wrinkling her nose a bit. "I've only seen him smile a few times – around Annabelle mostly."
"He sure is crazy for her." Felicity shook her head. "Look, he hasn't taken his hand off her all night."
"Maybe that's how they did things up in Concord. Proving your attachment to someone by literally attaching yourself to them." Elizabeth giggled.
"And when he came down to Virginia and learned about engagements, he just had to get on that as well!" Felicity joked.
"Do you really think he does love her as much as he shows?"
"Elizabeth, I don't think he even shows all of it."
The two girls listened in on the conversation Levi was loudly having with another couple, holding Annabelle's waist all the while. "Now I moved from London when I was but four years old, see, so I'm not really sure which side is proper for me to be on."
It was clear Levi was the only one who paid no heed to the unspoken 'no politics, no war talk' rule.
"I'm not afraid of fightin', no sir, but I'm just not willin' to die for a bloody stupid cause." He squared his shoulders and Annabelle pulled away gently, touching his arm and ducking into the kitchen.
Felicity sighed. Every element of the war for independence was flooding back into her present thoughts.
"Now why are you sad?" Elizabeth asked. "You aren't sweet on Levi, are you?"
Felicity laughed, but her heart wasn't in it. "No, of course not. I shouldn't say it like that – he seems like a nice chap. But that's not what's on my mind. I miss Ben, Elizabeth."
"I'm sure you do." Elizabeth nodded. "You've been writing him – yes?"
Felicity nodded. "Not as often as I think about him – and I've been thinking about him more and more."
"Oh?"
"I'd tag onto the family letters, add a paragraph or two of my own, just to keep him informed on my life and to ask about his. He'd respond – always has – and say something cheerful especially to me. I had this horrible jealous feeling every time we got those letters. I wanted one for myself – I wanted him to write me and only me."
"Couldn't you have written him a letter by yourself?"
"I suppose." Felicity shrugged. "I was afraid that'd seem strange, though. And it seems now I can't go a day without thinking about him! I worry for him, I miss him, and I can't stop thinking about all the time we spent together before he left. Besides you, he was my closest friend, and now I don't have him in my life hardly at all."
"It makes sense to miss him."
"Elizabeth, I love him."
The two girls turned around when they heard the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen, but as no one approached them, and no one changed their patterns of behavior, they resumed speaking.
"Felicity, are you sure?" Elizabeth pressed.
"I've never been more sure." Felicity breathed. "I think of him, day and night. He hugged me before we left, and I just miss the feel of him. I've been whistling more, but laughing less, because he's not here to make jokes. It's been three years, Beth. I need to see him – I need him to know!"
"Well, do you know where he is? Specifically, I mean." Elizabeth pressed excitedly.
"No," Felicity sighed. "he can't share that information with us – he could be anywhere."
"But that also means he could be close." Elizabeth smiled.
"Do you have any ideas?" Felicity asked.
"I'm afraid not." Elizabeth shrugged. "I've never been in a situation like this before. But if you can't wait, then you must find him! 'Tis only a matter of time before you burst!"
"I've been thinking about that, and I've just been trying to find a way to bring it up to you!" Felicity smiled. "What if I joined the militia?"
"As one of the camp-following women?"
"No, Beth, as a solider!"
"But Felicity," Elizabeth said, brow still furrowed. "you're but a girl!"
"I can still fight – father taught me how to shoot a gun several years ago, in case the redcoats ever got too close!" Felicity protested.
"I know you can Felicity, but the men don't seem to! They aren't letting any girls in the army." Elizabeth shook her head.
"Which is why I shall sneak in." Felicity smiled.
"How?"
"I'll cut my hair short enough for a queue, and take some of Ben's clothes that he didn't take – it's not like he'll miss these. If I'm still missing anything, William is getting bigger and I can alter them or something."
"Well-"
"There's a sign-up post in town and I can give them a fake name. The war has to draw to a close soon, but it still has much more damage to wreck. If I don't act now, I may never get a chance."
Elizabeth stalled and shifted her weight from foot to foot. "You can't just write him a letter?"
Felicity shook her head. "I'd die waiting – and what if he never got it? If he never addressed it when he got back, I don't think I'd be able to. We'd both have to go the rest of our lives never knowing what could've been. And-" Felicity's voice stalled a bit.
"What is it?"
"What if he didn't come back? I don't know what sort of operations he's doing, but I know Ben. He'll do anything dangerous or foolish, if it's for the freedom of the colonies. Before he left, I tried to get him to promise to come back…" she closed her eyes.
"Ben…" Felicity trailed off, kicking her heels against his bedframe and gripping the sheet in her hands.
"Hm?" Ben asked, standing at his dresser and trying to decide which shirt would be best to bring.
"Ben, promise me you'll come back?"
"Why?" Ben asked, looking over at Felicity.
"What do you mean why?" she all but snapped. "Because I want you to come back, and keep being my friend, in one piece! Because I don't want you to get shot on some field!"
"You worry too much," Ben said, but he still put down his shirts and came to sit beside her, pulling her into a hug.
Felicity rested her head on his chest and willed herself to show no sadness. She didn't want to make him feel guilty. "Ben," she began again. "I know you're excited to go to war and fight for the colonies, but just remember that there are people in Richmond and Williamsburg and all over, probably, who care about you and are counting on you to come home."
"Aw, you care about me?" Ben teased, letting her go.
"Of course I do!" Felicity said fiercely. "I get along better with you than I do my siblings, and you're my closest friend, besides Beth."
Ben gave her a half-smile she couldn't quite decipher. "Well don't worry, I care about you too."
"And you have plenty more to teach me – I want to learn to shoot."
Ben laughed out loud at this. "Would you care to be a pirate?"
"If I thought it was fitting, then yes." Felicity pulled both her legs up and criss-crossed them.
"Well, that sounds fair enough reasoning to me. Alright, if I come back, I'll teach you to shoot and anything else you would like to learn."
"When you come back, Ben. When." Felicity pressed. "Promise you'll come back."
Ben smiled at her. "I think I hear your mother calling you. Best see what she wants."
"…but he wouldn't." she opened her eyes again, and blinked back a tear.
"Felicity, I'm sure he's fine, and he's been responding to letters-"
"But that's only assurance that he didn't die weeks ago! It takes who-knows-how-long in order to get a letter to him, then he has to have the supplies to respond, then it takes however long to get back! And worse, he moves around so it's not consistent. Some letters took months to get to us. That's not good enough anymore, Beth. I have a constant pit in my stomach and sickness in my soul. I'm not afraid to go into the army, and I'll do what has to be done."
…
Annabelle tossed out the broken shards of the teacup she had dropped in surprise. That Merriman brat had always loved him – she knew it! But Felicity was still just as foolish as ever. She thought she could waltz into the army, and they'd stick her in whatever regiment Ben was in. Nay, she'd likely be cobbled in without whoever needed people, or with whatever was forming. Annabelle wasn't fully sure how that process worked, but she knew Felicity was wrong.
But, she found herself hoping this to be easy for Felicity. Ben would be home soon; Annabelle had been praying for it every night. And Annabelle had imagined a thousand different scenarios where she finally let Ben know how she felt, or where he can from the arms to pull her into his arms, or where they met each other somewhere in the middle. The only consistency was that Ben finally admitted his feelings for her, and the two were able to finally marry.
Felicity Merriman was her only real obstacle. For years she tormented Annabelle, and made her a laughing stock in front of Ben, while she had his attention every day after work. It was absolutely unfair. But, if Felicity were to go off to war, she would be hidden away from Ben – long enough for him to return home to Annabelle. As this was Felicity's idea, she would want to do well at it, and would not reveal her secret.
Especially since, and Annabelle couldn't help but laugh at this, she loved him now. Why, this made her plan all the sweeter! Annabelle had loved Ben for years, many, many years! All the while, Felicity had teased her as if it was something to make light of. Now that Felicity finally realized what a catch Ben was, all would be undone.
Annabelle couldn't ensure that Felicity would be sent to a regiment other than Ben's, but she was willing to allow fate to guide that one. But, she knew she could ensure that Felicity got in. And, with these ideas forming in her mind, she went to go see the person who would unwittingly help her – her fiancé, Levi.
…
"Well, I do suppose we should go give our proper congratulations to Annabelle and Levi." Elizabeth egged, noticing the fresh couple had been finally left alone.
"I suppose we must." Felicity sighed.
The two girls crossed the room and greeted them.
"Congratulations on your engagement." Felicity smiled.
"Why, thank you Felicity." Annabelle said, with, surprisingly, no insult to follow. "How are things with your family?"
"Well, fairly good. Father is still running the store, and William has joined me in helping to manage the place."
"It must be so hard with Ben gone." Annabelle said sympathetically.
"Yes, yes. Everyone misses Ben!" Levi said, half annoyed. He turned to his fiancé. "They two of you must've been mighty good friends, it's scarce been a day since you haven't mentioned him."
Annabelle flushed a little at this. "Oh, you do exaggerate, Levi."
"Well, my apologies then." He said, giving her a side hug.
Felicity realized that any conversation involving Ben was now taboo, and quickly searched for another topic to diffuse the tension. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed suddenly.
"What is it?" Both Annabelle and Elizabeth asked.
"Levi, why do you have a gun here?" Felicity asked. "Are the redcoats marching on Williamsburg tonight?"
Levi gave a hearty laugh. "No, 'tis more of a symbol than a weapon. She only has one bullet."
"I don't understand." Felicity pressed.
"Old family tradition – family back in Concord. I keep forgetting I have to explain some things now that I'm down here, especially things that aren't quite common. During engagement, all the men in my family have always carried a gun with one bullet. The bullet is something you use if you have to duel for her honor or hand, and for nothing else. Can't use it to take down a bird, say, unless the bird was bein' real cheeky and trying to take my Annabelle from me."
"What if there's two extra suitors?" Felicity asked.
"Well, only one is needed to send a message." Levi said. "And if that were the case – it's still reloadable."
"How sweet!" Elizabeth said quickly. "But Felicity and I should keep mingling – we don't want to monopolize you the whole evening."
…
Ben was rather glad you could only be shot for cowardice if you did something to hurt the Patriot cause, or else he would've been doomed long ago. Six letters sat in his bag, weighing him down, and he was writing a seventh at this very moment. Dear Felicity, Dearest Felicity, My Darling –
Nothing came out right.
He wasn't sure exactly when his feeling started, maybe they had always been there, but he only knew that they grew. He looked forward to her parts of the letters the most, and found himself craving communication only from her, and he didn't know how to ask.
He wanted to see her again, even if he had only fifteen minutes with her. But he knew the odds of that were slim until the war ended or until his contract was up – and it'd be up in seven months. He was seriously considering not re-enlisting. He would have been able to make a decision now, if he only knew how she felt.
When he felt extraordinarily brave, he wrote letters. They never came out quite well enough to send; they were never quite right. But he kept them, and hoped that he'd be reading through one, and eventually get enough nerve to send it.
You see, he wanted her to know that he loved her. And, more importantly, he wanted her to wait for him. She may already have a suitor – or several, and Ben hated these faceless men almost as much as the British. But how to ask? The two had not been bound to each other in any way but friendship before he left. There was no talk of love, there was no discussion of marriage or courtship.
Ben put down his quill and sighed.
"I'd get that letter out quick, lad." His commander jerked his chin towards the parchment.
Ben quickly covered what he was writing. "Why?"
"We're heading down south for a bit, but we're passing through Williamsburg the day after tomorrow, if everything goes well. Since most of you boys still have homes there, it's my intent to give you the evening off. I'll be announcing it tomorrow morning, so don't go spreading that around.
"Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!" Ben said excitedly, leaping to his feet.
"Alright, settle down. And get some rest."
Ben could do all but settle down. He needn't worry about sending the letter, or finding the perfect words to fill it with. He would see Felicity in only a few days, and he could tell her then.
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