Reign in Hell, Serve in Heaven
'' If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.
In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you. ''
- If I Never Knew You- by Jon Secada and Shanice
* * * * * *
Dark spaces. All around me.
Wire-netting, squeaking. Opening, closening.
Steps. Unidentified rumors
I want to lift up my eyedlids, but they are heavy.
I try. I just do it, with effort.
I want sleep, but my dreams are more wearing than reality. Yeah, i'm drugged, this is why.
Laughter. Evil laughters.
Shadows. Dark men in the darkness.Coming near. I wait for the questions that will come. I wait for other pain. Pain it's better than than the dullness, bring focus. I have stay focused. Questions don't come. The dark men watch over my chained body in amusement. I reconize them: they were there for the treatment. Terrorists. Sick terrorists. Rage. Hate. They make a joke but I don't understand them. Too weary. They are hovering over me and smiling. Too close. I don't like it. I move but chains bruise my wrists, my ankles. They know better than to leave me space for movements.
They pin me down. I know what's happening.
It's happened to me already.
In the darkest ceiling I see my mother face, mocking me: I haven't changed.
Things don't change for people like me.
I hate my mother. It's all her fault. Her fault. Not mine.
Isn't it?
Their bodies smash into mine. Their hands grope me. I don't know anymore whose turn it is. Does it matter?
I feel dirty. I'm bleeding between my legs. Bastards.
Fury.
Suffering. My vision blurs.
A cry. Who's crying? Oh, it's me.
I don't wanna cry, not in front of them.
Any God that exists has forgotten me.
I have to pretend I'm dead, it'll be over quickly.
I can't.
I'm alive yet.
I see faces and speckles of colors. Not real. The drugs.
I'll throw up.
Crazy. I'm going crazy.
Enough.
Stop.
No. no, no, nononono ....
***************************************************
Two strong arms shook the starting form of Nikita and her nails hammered into them, reacting to a presumed assault.
The adversary didn't wince, but immobilized her against the bed.
Just when he recognized consciousness creeping in her dead glare, he released her.
A lamp by the double bed bent the dark with a wide halo of white light, projecting the shadow of a cradle.
The linens smelled fresh of lavander, but the stench of her own blood nauseated her still, and the air hurt her lungs.
Michael was unmoving beside her, and let her be, knowing by experience any form of contact at this point would be interpreted as an attack.
Nikita got up and almost ran toward the cradle, stopped abruptly and looked into it, with extreme delicacy.
A sleeping infant, with white hairs and pink skin, was there.
Flustered, she brushed a finger across the soft cheek of her daughter, with wonder and gentleness.
The little baby was a portrait of innocence, and slept the sleep of one who is safe, and very, very loved. Her tiny hand was smaller than Nikita' s thumb.
Thank God, Grace was reality.
Her new life was reality.
Nikita turned toward the man on the bed, who was staring at her with apprehension. His eyes, unnaturally bright in the darkness, bored into hers.
Although he played, with art, the role of the knight in shining armor in her life, Michael was only human and had his pride. It mortified him seeing her pass through this and knowing he couldn't intervene to make it better.
He made his best to be of help to her, when she was, seldomly, open to him on that front, but he couldn't honestly say if she would, sooner or later, forget.
Some bruises, when they heal, leave unconcealeable scars.
When the woman he loved was dealing with these kind of bruises, he knew little.
Few little bits she confessed to once in awhile, in need of talking, or he listened to her murmurs during her nightmares. Somewhat it hurt him being uncertain about what abuse she bore during her childhood, but he was grateful of not having to deal with the knowledge. Her pain, as well as her interaction with other men, was a reality he didn't digest easily.
It saddened him that motherhood, an event meant to bring serenity and completion, was stirring hurtful memories inside her, but, for any purpose it could serve, he was there for her, to remind her he protected what was his.
Nikita came to bed, calmer but still upset. She laid at his side, looked at him in encouragement. He took his place beside her and stroked her arm, careful as if taking rejection for granted.
Nikita was tense, but the prolonged touch felt natural and purifying on her heated skin, so she sought refuge in it, in his embrace.
'' I love you '' he whispered, knowing she needed hearing it, and held her close.
She didn't trust her voice to speak.
Her love was expressed in her bareness to him.
Michael held onto her, like her mother never did, like no one had done for her before him. Her sadness unraveled into tiredness. Not much a physical tiredness, but a mental fatigue of being herself.
She never knew when the dreams would return for her. Sometimes months passed and she thought she left them behind, in her old inferno. Otherwise they would plague her for days.
Tomorrow or the next week, anyway, Michael would be there, watching over, looking after her. For all her life, anywhere she went, whoever she was with, she had felt out place, unproper.
She had thought that for having some resemblance of rest would help her forget, sealing the past in a box and moving on.
All it had taken was finding him.
So now all she ever needed was right there in that room.
She was where she wanted be, and where he wanted her to be.
His dreams and his phantoms weren't less unpleaseant than hers were, but together they had come far.
They would continue to do it, because, although it wasn't an easy life, they had each other.
Considering that, she couldn't help of thinking: Aren't I lucky?
*~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~
If I Never Knew You
If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.
In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.
If I never knew you, I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.
I thought our love would be so beautiful
I
Somehow we make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they leave are worthless whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right.
If I never knew you
There is no moment I regret
If I never knew this love
Since the moment that we met
I'd have no inkling of how precious life can be
If our time's auspicious as that
Is here at last.
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we make the world right
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right
We were right
And if I never knew you
And if I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
'' If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.
In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you. ''
- If I Never Knew You- by Jon Secada and Shanice
* * * * * *
Dark spaces. All around me.
Wire-netting, squeaking. Opening, closening.
Steps. Unidentified rumors
I want to lift up my eyedlids, but they are heavy.
I try. I just do it, with effort.
I want sleep, but my dreams are more wearing than reality. Yeah, i'm drugged, this is why.
Laughter. Evil laughters.
Shadows. Dark men in the darkness.Coming near. I wait for the questions that will come. I wait for other pain. Pain it's better than than the dullness, bring focus. I have stay focused. Questions don't come. The dark men watch over my chained body in amusement. I reconize them: they were there for the treatment. Terrorists. Sick terrorists. Rage. Hate. They make a joke but I don't understand them. Too weary. They are hovering over me and smiling. Too close. I don't like it. I move but chains bruise my wrists, my ankles. They know better than to leave me space for movements.
They pin me down. I know what's happening.
It's happened to me already.
In the darkest ceiling I see my mother face, mocking me: I haven't changed.
Things don't change for people like me.
I hate my mother. It's all her fault. Her fault. Not mine.
Isn't it?
Their bodies smash into mine. Their hands grope me. I don't know anymore whose turn it is. Does it matter?
I feel dirty. I'm bleeding between my legs. Bastards.
Fury.
Suffering. My vision blurs.
A cry. Who's crying? Oh, it's me.
I don't wanna cry, not in front of them.
Any God that exists has forgotten me.
I have to pretend I'm dead, it'll be over quickly.
I can't.
I'm alive yet.
I see faces and speckles of colors. Not real. The drugs.
I'll throw up.
Crazy. I'm going crazy.
Enough.
Stop.
No. no, no, nononono ....
***************************************************
Two strong arms shook the starting form of Nikita and her nails hammered into them, reacting to a presumed assault.
The adversary didn't wince, but immobilized her against the bed.
Just when he recognized consciousness creeping in her dead glare, he released her.
A lamp by the double bed bent the dark with a wide halo of white light, projecting the shadow of a cradle.
The linens smelled fresh of lavander, but the stench of her own blood nauseated her still, and the air hurt her lungs.
Michael was unmoving beside her, and let her be, knowing by experience any form of contact at this point would be interpreted as an attack.
Nikita got up and almost ran toward the cradle, stopped abruptly and looked into it, with extreme delicacy.
A sleeping infant, with white hairs and pink skin, was there.
Flustered, she brushed a finger across the soft cheek of her daughter, with wonder and gentleness.
The little baby was a portrait of innocence, and slept the sleep of one who is safe, and very, very loved. Her tiny hand was smaller than Nikita' s thumb.
Thank God, Grace was reality.
Her new life was reality.
Nikita turned toward the man on the bed, who was staring at her with apprehension. His eyes, unnaturally bright in the darkness, bored into hers.
Although he played, with art, the role of the knight in shining armor in her life, Michael was only human and had his pride. It mortified him seeing her pass through this and knowing he couldn't intervene to make it better.
He made his best to be of help to her, when she was, seldomly, open to him on that front, but he couldn't honestly say if she would, sooner or later, forget.
Some bruises, when they heal, leave unconcealeable scars.
When the woman he loved was dealing with these kind of bruises, he knew little.
Few little bits she confessed to once in awhile, in need of talking, or he listened to her murmurs during her nightmares. Somewhat it hurt him being uncertain about what abuse she bore during her childhood, but he was grateful of not having to deal with the knowledge. Her pain, as well as her interaction with other men, was a reality he didn't digest easily.
It saddened him that motherhood, an event meant to bring serenity and completion, was stirring hurtful memories inside her, but, for any purpose it could serve, he was there for her, to remind her he protected what was his.
Nikita came to bed, calmer but still upset. She laid at his side, looked at him in encouragement. He took his place beside her and stroked her arm, careful as if taking rejection for granted.
Nikita was tense, but the prolonged touch felt natural and purifying on her heated skin, so she sought refuge in it, in his embrace.
'' I love you '' he whispered, knowing she needed hearing it, and held her close.
She didn't trust her voice to speak.
Her love was expressed in her bareness to him.
Michael held onto her, like her mother never did, like no one had done for her before him. Her sadness unraveled into tiredness. Not much a physical tiredness, but a mental fatigue of being herself.
She never knew when the dreams would return for her. Sometimes months passed and she thought she left them behind, in her old inferno. Otherwise they would plague her for days.
Tomorrow or the next week, anyway, Michael would be there, watching over, looking after her. For all her life, anywhere she went, whoever she was with, she had felt out place, unproper.
She had thought that for having some resemblance of rest would help her forget, sealing the past in a box and moving on.
All it had taken was finding him.
So now all she ever needed was right there in that room.
She was where she wanted be, and where he wanted her to be.
His dreams and his phantoms weren't less unpleaseant than hers were, but together they had come far.
They would continue to do it, because, although it wasn't an easy life, they had each other.
Considering that, she couldn't help of thinking: Aren't I lucky?
*~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~ *~
If I Never Knew You
If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.
In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.
If I never knew you, I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.
I thought our love would be so beautiful
I
Somehow we make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they leave are worthless whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right.
If I never knew you
There is no moment I regret
If I never knew this love
Since the moment that we met
I'd have no inkling of how precious life can be
If our time's auspicious as that
Is here at last.
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we make the world right
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right
We were right
And if I never knew you
And if I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you