This right here is the story of how I died.

Now chill, that was really just to get your attention. It's not that kinda story at all. But shit I had to draw you in somehow. Sorta like has to reel you in like those guys with those smiles that should be illegal in every goddamn country. Like they know damn well that with just a look or two you are gonna be clay in their hands. We are talking full on reenactment of that one famous pottery scene in that one ironic ass movie from the 90's. You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there, and if you're denying that, you are a goddamn liar. (Speaking of those kinds of smirks and shit, I could have just skipped to the part where I tell you about how badass and hella attractive 99% of the dudes in this tale are, cause dude, trust me when I say they fucking are and you would be reeled the fuck in, in under two seconds flat.)

But anyways, basically, what you need to know is that this thing had to happen, and did happen, before I could enlighten you to the sick ass tale that is the tale of Dirk Strider.

I mean, I guess it's sort of my story too, but more in the sort of I was there, all this shit happened, I got caught up in it, and lived to tell, more or less. Think of your basic fisherman's "one that got away" story here. But with less shit made up on the spot and that whole thing where the goddamn fish gets like four feet bigger and eight pounds heavier with each time the story is told. No this shit is straight up exactly how it happened, I swear on my dick, which for the record means a metric fuckton because hello what kinda dude puts that kinda national fucking treasure on the line over a stupid story, you know?

Alright, so I guess starting with the basics is probably a good idea, just in case you are that kid that constantly falls asleep in class and retains absolutely fucking nothing that anyone is saying except the more or less basic shit like "Oh yea and there was probably a castle somewhere in there". You wouldn't be wrong, honestly man, pat yourself on the back or whatever cause there is in fact a giant ass castle, filled with lots of people and the whole place is pretty much rainbows and butterflies like happiest little shit around.

Alternatively this shit would be fucking great if you're one of those dudes who needs to know every goddamn detail or if you're that future English teacher with the symbolic metaphor shit up your ass spewing stuff like "Oh hell yea the insignificant ass light there definitely isn't cause it's dark as hell in there no fucking way. No that shit is there to represent wisdom because wow how did you not know that light is wisdom, it /obviously/ has no other purpose, not like the dude is gonna trip and fall and probably accidentally knock some shit down or freak the fuck out because it's pitch black in there, psssshhh" Okay, all of that aside, you are whatever you are, and whatever you are is gonna take a plunge into some more or less boring ass historical background shit that's actually sort of important but not. No worries, I'll try to spice this shit up, I'm not really down with any of you dying of boredom on me now, mostly cause I really don't wanna deal with any more magic or whatever going on.

A'ight, let's dive right in there, I've got the heavy ass book of bullshit and badass fairy tales and like every one, this one starts off with your standard cliche "Once Upon A Time- " Okay fuck it, I'm paraphrasing this shit from here on out, that thing's got too many hella boring parts. Consider this your SparkNotes equivalent of the intro-ish section like the first few I dunno twenty pages or so. I'll keep the relevant pictures though, cause honestly here, what use is a book without pictures, you feel? A'ight. So basically there's this sweet kingdom called Skaia and basically the place is mostly centered around this sweet ass castle, which, total shocker here, has a royal family and everything just chillin' in it.

Now I should probably mention that there's some sort of legend about how under a full moon on the seasonal solstice that given a special ass kid with a huge potential and important destiny that they are blessed, or cursed as some might venture to argue loudly and panicked to some while throwing a bitch fit, with an embrace of the element associated with that season. So basically like if you're born on the summer solstice and you're one special snowflake, you're probably gonna get some summery power like controlling light. Sounds pretty rad, right? Well you probably forgot this shit is a fairy tale kinda thing, so being slower than Internet Explorer, you forgot there's gotta be a catch.

So you're probably thinking it's some sort of King Midas situation or something here, but you're wrong man, so instead of asking questions every five seconds like someone watching a movie with their best bro who's seen it before and wants spoilers, chill for a sec and wait the few seconds for the dramatic pause and pan out of the shot. You're prolly not supposed to know this early on but fuck it, I'm telling you. Emotions and feelings and all that warm and fuzzy bullshit pretty much governs those magical abilities, so basically it's the blind leading the blind here.

Draw whatever conclusions you want there bro.

Aight so lemme just start by giving you a little eye candy here via imagination. Feast your eyes on the rad ass castle Skaia. It's a big ass castle with all the normal castle shit, assuming castle shit is pretty consistent. The place is just your average one on the inside with a metric fuckton of rooms and confusing halls akin to some museum, not quite a labyrinth considering it doesn't have any sweet mythical guards here or Bowie. Just endless amounts of books and fine art. And by fine art I mean some fine art and then some nudes that we just sorta play off like they're tasteful and artsy when we all know nudes are nudes, right? Some old dude had to draw that plush ass rump either way, doesn't matter how "tastefully" it's done. Not that I was complaining here.

But anyways... The outside's hella sweet right? I mean it could just be really shitty and the whole you know 'only ever being on the inside makes the shit on the outside look better' thing in play here though. Did I mention that whole thing yet? Nah?

Oh well that ain't exactly top fucking notch priority at the second here man so keep your panties on.

Author's Notes: The remainder of the chapters will be from either the second or third person point of view, minus this one. Basically, this chapter and hopefully the final chapter will be the metaphorical black sheep of the group in the points of view of Dave and/or Dirk respectively. The story will follow the movie almost exactly, a few things may be changed or rearranged to better facilitate the story telling or flow or logic. Each chapter will be named for the song or songs it regards in terms of the soundtrack, so you may want to listen to the corresponding piece while reading.

{ /works/1546622/chapters/3276059} Check it on AO3 for the addition of Twin-Siren (On Tumblr)'s art in the work.

Let me know what you think, tips, criticism, and predictions in the comment section! Thank you for reading, and my next chapters will be longer. No worries 6w6