Warmth
Did you ever notice how cold it suddenly becomes when someone you love leaves you?
Cody watched on in a half sleep dazed awe as Yolie rolled on the floor, her face screw up and red as tears dripped unchecked from the corners of her eyes. He tried to force a smile to his lips but he could only manage a scowl. Why was she laughing so much? It was 11:30 and in the middle of winter and she had called him over to show him she could laugh. He wasn't impressed.
"Cody…" She whispered between breaths, "Cody…"
"Yes?" He asked dully. He had to catch the elevator to get here, his feet were becoming cold
"Cody…" She repeated sitting up and wiping the tears from her eyes. She seemed to have regained her composure.
"Yes?" He asked again shivering slightly. She looked like she was about to start laughing again but controlled herself before she did. He was glad for that; if she had started again he would have left.
"Guess what?" She said coughing slightly and breathing heavily.
"What?" He echoed disinterestedly. He was patient, but only to some degrees. She had almost pushed him over the limit
"Ken asked me out," She squealed grabbing a nearby pillow and hugging it tightly. Why did that not surprise him?
"What did you say?" He asked scratching at his head and shivering again
"I said yes of course!" She squealed again and bit into the pillow. He was glad she didn't have a hold of him.
"Oh… great, I mean good for you." He tried again to smile but caught his reflection in her bedside mirror before he could make his face look any more foolish
"Well if that's the way you're going to be," Yolie muttered turning her back on him. What did she expect him to say?
To no great surprise she started laughing again. She spun around quickly and threw the pillow at him. It hit him in the face but he didn't flinch, he didn't even move. He caught it before it fell to the ground and held it close.
"Oops I'm sorry Cody," She laughed moving closer to him and pinching his cheeks, "Smile Cody there's no reason to be a sour puss, this is a happy moment."
Again Cody attempted a smile. Yolie seemed satisfied with his effort as she grabbed the pillow off him and started hugging it again.
"I'm going to go now Yolie," Cody said, she didn't hear him; she had started singing to herself. So he left.
He lived on the floor above hers; he didn't like the elevator, it was cold. The stairs were even colder. He should have worn some slippers; his feet had become cold as well. His whole body was cold, but his feet in particular bothered him.
When he walked in the door his mother bombarded him with questions. 'Where were you?', 'why didn't you tell me you were leaving,' 'who was on the phone?'
"I was at Yolie's," He said simply before returning to his room.
He climbed into his bed, it was warm before but it had gone cold in his absence. He wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, not with these cold feet, not with this cold heart. There was something in the way Yolie had laughed tonight that set his mind on overdrive. He didn't want to think but his brain made a philosopher out if him. Was she laughing at him or with him?
"Do you know what happens to little boys who think too much?" Involuntarily Davis' voice drifted into Cody's mind, "They start to get all serious and they end up like Ken, you don't want to end up like that do you?"
The urge to laugh washed over Cody but he couldn't make himself smile. How could he laugh without smiling? Maybe Yolie was right, he was becoming so serious, boring. No wonder no one liked him, was he really that dislikeable? Instantly his mind answered yes but that other little voice, the one that argued with his mind, argued.
"You're not that dislikeable Cody, it's just no body understands you."
"Don't speak such rubbish; he's easier to understand than a microwave dinner." His mind retorted quickly.
"Well when you spend most of your time pondering just what it means to be human, people tend not to understand. If he thought about girls or soccer then people could relate. Cody's not like that." The other voice argued. He wished they would stop; he was trying to sleep, trying.
"What's so hard to understand about humans?"
"They're very complicated creatures, well ones like Cody are. A lot of them are easier to decipher than a TV guide. Cody on the other hand…"
"I still don't see what makes him so complicated, I think you're just too simple minded to understand."
"Oh I'm simple minded am I?"
"Could you please be quiet," Cody said out loud, "I'm trying to sleep."
The voices fell silent. He idly wondered if it was normal to have voices argue with each other in you're head. Before he fell asleep the fact registered that the voice that always argued was a girl's voice. Was that normal?
**
Before Cody had even started Junior High he had given up on making any friends. He already had friends, well sometimes it felt like they were only his friend because he was a digidestined. In any case he had friends, there was really no need to make any more. That was a mistake he learned a lot from.
You see his friends were only at the same school as him for a few years, this year he was alone. His class mates neither talked to him nor bullied him, it would have been nice to receive some attention but he was content knowing they at least respected him enough to stay out of his way. His other friends were worried about his lack of companionship but they too said nothing. He got the distinct feeling they were always hiding something from him, but like a lot of things he ignored it.
It wasn't until half way through his third year at Junior High he noticed a vague feeling that he was fading from existence. His older friends never seemed to have time to talk to him, or pay attention to him. They got together every few weeks, just to keep the friendship alive. It wasn't really necessary for some of the older kids, a lot of them went to the same schools and those who went to different schools were kept in contact. If it wasn't for the fact that Cody lived in the same apartment complex as TK and Yolie he would probably have lost contact altogether. Except for those mandatory trips to the digiworld.
In his third year of junior high, however, TK moved out of the building and Yolie and Ken started dating. She had no time for Cody, he was left alone. His mother was promoted therefore she had no more time to fuss over her only growing child. He was left with freedom, and loneliness. His grandfather was old, he claimed there was nothing left for him to teach Cody in kendo, Cody didn't believe him and pushed him to continue lessons, even if it was revision. If it weren't for those lessons he would have completely faded. He was on the verge now; he was so close to fading.
He went through school like a shadow. People had completely stopped noticing his existence. They tried to walk through him in the halls, pushed past him in the cafeteria line, one person even tried to rent his locker out to a younger student but that was only after he had been sick for a week. He still didn't know why he made up excuses for that person, maybe he was afraid.
He sat by himself at lunch. Most of his classmates sat in their Home Room, but it was too noisy in there, he couldn't think. Instead he sat up near the library, savouring what little warmth the sun could give him from this vantage point. Half way through the year two foreign girls stole his spot. They would sit up there together and talk in their foreign language. He would sit near them and try to decipher it. It helped in English class.
One of the girls, the one with the short brown hair, would study him like he was an animal in a zoo while the other talked. It was unnerving watching her pale eyes scrutinise him day in and out. But it also gave him a feeling of existence; at least he knew he hadn't completely faded.
Eventually one of them stopped coming, the short haired girl sat there all by herself and stared out the window. He would have talked to her but wasn't enough confident in his English to try. It was the opposite for her; one day she sat down next to him and started talking about the weather in her broken Japanese. He could tell she had rehearsed this speech because it only half made sense.
He smiled at her anyway and nodded his head. She cursed and started apologising in English. He wasn't that bad at lying was he? Instead of apologising he introduced himself in English just as the teacher had instructed them. They talked the whole lunch through, neither really understanding the other but drawing solace in the others presence. That was the deepest conversation he had had with any of his peers and it was mostly in a foreign language. He was very proud of himself that day.
For the next few weeks they would sit together at lunch. She would complain about the food and help him with his homework and he would listen politely. She didn't seem to want much else from him. The last day of her time at their school she hugged him and gave him a book in English. It was obviously a child's book because he could understand most of it. Before she left she kissed him on the cheek, she had paler skin than he did so her blush was more noticeable. He never bothered to write to her, and she never bothered to write to him. After a while he forgot she existed. The air was always colder from then on.
The time after that was taken up mainly by exams. He again depended on his grandfather to confirm his existence. Before he started high school, however, his grandfather refused to continue the kendo lessons. He argued he was too old to be doing anything, especially kendo. It got colder that day.
"He's right though, you know, he is getting old." Cody sat on the veranda in the deathly cold winter air. His mind was wandering; his hands were clutched firmly around his kendo stick.
"But he's always been old, that doesn't change anything," His mind was arguing again, he sat back in the veranda chair and listened silently,
"But he's even older now, you know what old people are like, they're not as mobile as they used to be."
"But that still doesn't change the fact that without him and these lessons we would cease to exist."
"Wait," Cody said suddenly sitting up in the chair, "What do you mean by cease to exist?"
"Oh, well I thought you would have noticed by now, but Cody my dear you're fading."
"What exactly do you mean by fading?"
"What she means is you're becoming less and less… important to the world. You're fading."
"That's not at all what I mean! Cody, dear, have you noticed they never call you anymore?"
"But, I thought they had exams,"
"Since when did exams prevent them from making calls? It used to be an avalanche couldn't stop these people from calling you, now what?"
"They've forgotten about you pal, you mean absolutely nothing to these people anymore."
"But what about Armadillomon? He couldn't have forgotten could he?"
"When was the last time you saw Armadillomon?"
"I-I haven't had time to see him lately, I've been busy." Why was he making up excuses? He was arguing with himself, they knew perfectly well he hadn't been busy.
"Busy doing what? Sulking? Watching TV? Cody, if you want to keep living I suggest you at least try to keep your existence noticeable."
"But who says I'm just going to die if people don't know I exist? And what about their memories?"
"I thought you would have realised by now Cody. What sound does a tree falling in the woods make when there's no one around to hear it?"
"But…"
"And as for their memories you might as well have died. What happened to you're father Cody? He died and what has he been reduced to? Memories."
"But…"
"Cody, do you really want to be a memory? Is that really what you want? Imagine what you could accomplish. Don't cut the world out yet, there is still so much left to discover."
"I'm not cutting the world out, it's cutting me out!"
"Whatever makes you happy chumly. But be warned, if you don't go out there and make something of yourself you'll be stuck talking to yourself for the end of your days."
"But…"
"Cody?" Cody sat up again in his chair, had he been asleep? "Cody come inside dear you'll catch a cold."
His mother was home? How long had he been out there? How long had he been talking to himself? He shivered slightly and retreated back into the warmth of his home. As much as he hated to admit it the voices were right. He was fading and fast. He needed to take action, he needed to see Armadillomon, he needed to call TK.
So he did. He called TK and asked if they could go to the digiworld on the weekend. TK said he had basketball on this weekend but could make it next weekend. Cody agreed. TK called Kari who called Yolie who called Ken who called Davis. Cody had really only wanted to go with TK but he couldn't complain.
That whole night the memory of the voices echoed in his head. Or maybe they were just doing that to scare him. Either way it did its job, he was thoroughly paranoid about fading from that moment on. He tried his best to argue back with the voices, tell them there wasn't much he could do to get people to notice him. It wasn't part of his personality. But the voices were gone; he was only left with the echo. Before he went to sleep that night he wondered when he had started referring to the voices as living people. Did they have names?
The voices didn't come back for the next two weeks; maybe they were satisfied with his progress in not fading. He had put his hand up to answer a question in class once, only once during the two weeks. He hoped they would come back after that day but, as he had suspected, they didn't.
His grandfather yelled at him and told him to find another kendo teacher but Cody blatantly refused insisting that there was still so much he had to learn from him. He had sighed and said there were things even he didn't know and some things he had to figure out for himself.
"I can't teach you everything Cody,"
That night when his mother came home he could hear them talking about how he was becoming an uncontrollable adolescent. He wasn't that bad was he?
Apart from that the two weeks had gone by rather uneventfully. When the weekend finally rolled around he had almost completely forgotten about the voices. TK and Kari had come to his place to pick up him and Yolie. He had almost forgotten he lived in the same building as Yolie. It was amazing how you could forget people so close, he had also forgotten his neighbours' name.
They met everyone else at the old primary school.
"To reminisce." TK had said when Cody asked why they didn't just access it from a normal computer.
Davis and Ken arrived together; Ken and Yolie were immediately stuck together. He was glad he wasn't the only one that found it disturbing; Davis seemed thoroughly annoyed at their actions. Demiveemon found it quite interesting; he asked Davis the weirdest questions. Cody silently ignored them. He had learned long ago to just ignore his surroundings.
"Your hair's gotten long Cody; I haven't seen you in such a long time." Kari commented as they snuck into the school. TK wasn't fooling about reminiscing; the memories were rushing at him like a speeding train, "You've grown as well, you're as tall as I am now."
"Thanks." He mumbled back half heartedly
Once again he faded into the background. Everyone continued to talk around him but he tuned out. Actually at the moment he was thinking about the exchange student, she always had time to talk to him. He wasn't saying these people didn't make time to talk to him; they had given up their weekend to go into the digiworld just because he was fading from existence. But she always knew what to say, even if she couldn't say it in Japanese.
When they were warped into the digiworld they were instantly greeted by Armadillomon and Hawkmon. They had stayed behind after beating Malomyotismon to keep an eye on things in the digiworld. Cody was contemplating asking Armadillomon to come back and stay with him, just for a while, so he wouldn't be so alone. But every time he recited the question in his head it sounded stupider and stupider.
There was something in the way Armadillomon talked that made him seem different. Cody couldn't exactly put his finger on it; he was just different from the last time Cody had seem him. But like everything else he ignored it. For the first time in a long time he had smiled without feeling like his face was going to crack. He smiled and laughed and Armadillomon complained about food.
He was reluctant to leave that afternoon, he still hadn't asked Armadillomon to stay with him. He couldn't, whatever had changed about him made it impossible to ask. So he didn't. He ignored it like everything else. But when he left he didn't feel like crying or sulking, he wanted to laugh. Just like Yolie had that night Ken had asked her out he wanted more than anything to roll on the ground in fits of outrageous laughter. Why? He didn't really know or understand it himself it was just his crazy mixed up emotions. Puberty wasn't the best thing he had experienced.
Before he left they sat together atop a green hill and watched TK and Kari as they watched the sunset behind the hills. It was now more than ever the feeling of mirth washed over him. He couldn't contain the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"Cody," Armadillomon said quietly, "Will I see you again soon?"
"Of course Armadillomon," Cody replied just as softly trying his best to keep from smiling.
"There's something I need to tell you next time you come okay?"
"Why don't you tell me now?"
"Because I'm telling you next time."
"Okay…"
He didn't start laughing when he did leave however. He said goodbye to Armadillomon and Hawkmon. Wormmon also decided to stay, much to Ken's dismay. Said he had things to take care of before he returned. And they left, the whole time Cody wondered just when he would see Armadillomon next, and whether he really wanted to.
He walked home that day with a noticeable bounce in his step. He wasn't on the verge of laughter anymore but he didn't feel like he was fading either. He walked the five flights of steps that lead to their apartment. He didn't want to ride in the elevator with Yolie today. He reached the door that led to his home but before he could open it he was struck by a flash of wild emotion.
"Stop!"
He was frozen solid just outside their apartment. The voice, the man's voice, it was back. Out of instinct he glanced around himself, there was no one nearby. As if on cue, however, the neighbour whose name he had forgotten peaked his head out of his door and stared at him, pity filling his eyes with each second. Cody didn't like his eyes very much, big dumb doe eyes, they looked so empty.
For a moment they stared at each other, the tension grew thicker and thicker until he felt like he was drowning in it. Distractedly he opened the door and moments after his mothers voice sounded from within.
"Cody is that you?" It sounded strangely strained like she'd been crying. It never occurred to him she was home earlier than usual.
He tore his eyes away from the neighbour and instantly the door was closed, not a shadow out of place. He started to wonder if that had actually happened. He shook his head and entered the apartment. Like a cold wind had whipped up out of no where he was hit with a blast of cold. It made him shiver uncontrollably and goose bumps trailed their way up his arms and legs.
"Cody?" When he entered the living room he caught sight of his mother. And what a sad sight it was.
She was hunched over a glass of either green tea or some kind of alcohol. He couldn't tell as her hands were covering most of the glass. When she looked up at him the green of her eyes stood out like a beacon against the redness of her face. Even without the accompaniment of her sobs he could tell she had been crying. This, and the coldness, despite his warm attire sent wave after wave of foreboding shivers up and down his spine.
"Turn back."
Cody glanced around himself again. He didn't know what he expected to find, he had heard the voices before and no one was around. He had questions for the voices and he debated whether he should just ask them here. One more glance at his mother convinced him otherwise. He was curious.
"Curiosity killed the cat."
Cody did his best to ignore the voices, like everything else. But this was different, everything else was around him, not inside of him. He shook his head more forcefully than before and knelt down in front of his mother. When she looked at him, the way her eyes struggled to focus, he knew then he didn't want to know why she was crying.
"Turn back now before it's too late."
"Shut up." He whispered forcefully under his breath
His mother didn't hear him. She leant back against the couch and heaved a great sigh. Tears ran freely down her cheeks and her shoulders moved rhythmically in silent sobs. He waited in silence for a moment, waiting for her to speak, move, anything. When she didn't he began to speak.
"Mamma? What's the matter?"
It took a moment for her to react to his question. First she lifted her weight off the back of the couch and leant forward so she her face was inches from his. She had been drinking tea; he could smell it on her breath. She didn't say anything though, instead she hiccuped, coughed and started sobbing again.
"Mamma?" He repeated standing up and looking down at her, confusion etched into his features.
"Dad he…" She started hiccoughing again and wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand, "He's in the hospital."
Cody's body was paralysed, as was his mind. He would have asked her to repeat herself if he could manage to string two words together. Instead he just stood there like a fool, his eyes drifting aimlessly around the room but focusing on something entirely different. His mind was reeling yet he had the strange sensation of emptiness, his mind was empty. More he didn't know what to think so it shut of completely.
Was he supposed to grieve? Was he supposed to scream? He didn't know how to react. Was this a joke, was it a dream? His eyes managed to focus on his mother again, the way her body shook, the way her face contorted with pain and guilt. It wasn't a joke and it wasn't a dream, then how was he supposed to feel?
Slowly, like he was in a trance, his limbs retraced his steps to the front door. His mind, however, took in nothing of the surroundings. Intending stubbornly to stay shut off completely, like it didn't want to handle the responsibility of turning back on and facing just what had happened.
Carefully, like everything was made out of tapioca pudding, he opened the front door and exited the apartment. He stood swaying gently outside the room for a moment before closing the door and leaning up against it. Maybe if he went back in things would be different, maybe if he just pretended those few minuets never existed he could walk in and everything would be back to normal.
Unfortunately he never got a chance to test his theory, at that moment his limbs decided to stop moving and his weight was supported only by the fact he was leaning against the door. Without noticing he slowly slid down the door until he was sitting with his knees pulled right up under his nose.
He glanced up and around himself again. Where was the man, the voice? He had known, he had warned him. Again when he searched the hallway he caught sight of the old neighbour poking his head out the door. And again their eyes met as if in battle. This time, however, Cody's mind was else where; he didn't even seem to notice the change in the man's eye colour.
"You know he's not dead yet," The woman's voice softly cooed, "He's old but he's strong."
"Yeah," The man's voice joined in, "You should have faith in the old man, do you have faith in him?"
"Of course he does don't be silly, Cody he'll be alright, he will."
"Yeah I promise kid, if he's not I'll eat my hat."
"You don't have a hat,"
"My point exactly."
Cody dully noticed the voices weren't arguing like they usually were. Was it normal to have voices comfort you? He really needed some friends.
Sighing in resolution he stood up and entered the apartment again, ignoring completely the old neighbour. He closed his eyes as he walked into the living room, willing with all his being that what had just passed was a very strange day-mare. He breathed deeply and opened his eyes. His mother was still on the couch and her face was still pouring tears.
The insane urge to laugh swept over him once again and he felt a strange smile spread itself across his lips. Instead of laughing, however, he felt tears spring from his eyes, roll down his cheeks, and drip from his chin.
"Cody," His mother said without moving, "Get you're coat we're going to the hospital."
She didn't seem to notice he was already wearing his coat. She sat motionless for a moment before heaving herself up off the couch and leading him out the door. They took the elevator down, he was glad Yolie wasn't there, he didn't want her to know.
In the car on the way to the hospital Cody tried willing the voices back by asking questions in his head. He really wanted to know who or what they were. Were they just his imagination or were they actually people sending telepathic messages to him? The whole way tears ran down his cheeks and his mother sobbed. He knew his grandfather wasn't going to be okay, his mother barely ever cried and when she did it was for a cause. He needed someone to tell him otherwise, he needed the voices.
He was right in assuming his grandfather wasn't okay. He looked every part of an old man on his death bed. He even tried to hide, or blend into the tapestry, when Cody entered the room, as if he were afraid of what he would think or say. He was afraid of his death. This made Cody cry harder, his tears bubbled anew in his eyes and his shoulders shook uncontrollably.
When he sat down next to the bed he was reluctant to look at the old man. He seemed to have grown skinnier and weaker faster than was normal. He had been gone one day, one day without that constant vigil over his link and it was dying in front of his eyes. His fingers felt so cold when he reached out and took Cody's hand.
"Cody," He whispered, the action seemed to take a lot of effort so Cody didn't bother interrupting, "There are some things you have to learn for yourself, I have taught you all I can."
Cody dropped his hand roughly and screwed his face up. What did he mean he had to learn them by himself? How was that possible? He needed someone to teach him or there was no way he could learn. He couldn't go now, he couldn't just leave. Just like that. He was fading, didn't he notice? If he left then Cody would die along with him. It wasn't fair, why did they always leave?
He was extremely close to standing up and yelling at the old man but before he had a chance his mother laid her hands on his shoulders and gently led him out of the room. She must have felt his anger because her own face was screwed up in pain. Tears still ran down her cheeks and her hands were shaking violently. Look at this pain he caused, look at these tears. It was his fault.
They sat for a while in the waiting room. Cody couldn't tell how many cans of soda he'd drunk but it was more than was healthy that's for sure. He wanted to sleep but the sugar and the pain and anger all kept him wide awake. Sometime during the night the doctor came out and briefed them on the old mans condition. Cody didn't listen, he got the feeling this man was in the army once, his face looked like a rock.
After hours of waiting and crying his mother decided it would be best to go home. The air was colder than it had ever been and the car didn't want to get warm. Cody shivered the whole way home, he was just glad his tears had stopped. When they reached the apartment complex he picked up the mail. There was a letter from the exchange student in there. He didn't open it.
When the elevator reached their floor they were greeted by Yolie. She was crying loudly and she hugged Cody and his mother. The old neighbour had told her, and by the looks of it she had told the whole building. If she hadn't they knew now. She followed them right up to the door of their apartment, his mother invited her in for tea but she declined. Cody was happy about that. Instead she went home and called Ken who called Davis who called Kari who called TK. By the next day they all knew. This was what Cody was hoping to avoid.
The next day he met Ken in the halls at school. Since when did Ken go to his school? He apologised and tried in his sullen way to comfort Cody. It didn't work. Cody had never really liked Ken that much, once a crook always a crook. That's what his grandfather had said anyway.
When he was walking home he was greeted by Kari and TK. Was is just him or where they always together now? Davis would be mad. Kari hugged him and TK patted his head. They talked for at least half an hour; Cody said four words the whole conversation. Two of them were Thank you. Once they left the air seemed to grow colder and colder. His spine tingled uncomfortably the whole way back.
When he returned home he got a call from Davis. As much as he hated the idea of everyone knowing about his grandfather's sickness he was glad Davis called. He was funny and sincere. That was more than he could say about the rest; everyone seemed to be either fulfilling promises or just plain guilty. Davis, on the other hand, seemed genuinely worried. Cody could tell because he laughed a lot. Demiveemon sang happy birthday to him.
Cody didn't hear the voices at all that day, in fact he didn't even remember until he sat down to do him homework. His questions (which were growing more and more plentiful by the day), all started to unearth themselves in his brain. How convenient, just when he sat down to think the voices came back to haunt him. And he couldn't even ask them his questions.
But like everything else he ignored them. He didn't know why he was so anxious to do his homework. He needed something to take his mind off his grandfather. Every time the old man made his way into his thoughts he wanted to break something. For example, at that very moment the pencil in his hand snapped in half. He wasn't sure he could hate anyone more than he hated his grandfather at this moment.
That, of course, was confirmed when his mother entered the room. Cody noticed this time, however, she was home from work early. Too early. Her face was stained with tears. Had she stopped crying at all? Before she started talking Cody already had some idea what she was going to say and it was none too pleasant to think about. He broke one half of his pencil in half again.
"Cody," She croaked her breathing shaky and riddled with tears. Cody dropped the two pencil halves in a sign he was listening, "You're grandfather died today."
Cody nodded his head once to show he had heard. He could feel his mothers eyes on his back, could hear her sobs. After a long few moments she finally left. Cody broke down into tears. He cried harder that night than he ever had and ever would again.
"Damn him," He coughed out slamming his fist down on the desk, "Damn him, I hate him. I hate him so much. How could he leave? How could he just leave us like this? Selfish bastard. He had no right, no right at all. What are we supposed to do? Did you ever think of that Grampa? Did you ever think of us?"
Cody stood up so quickly his chair flew half way across his room before coming to a halt. He picked up his kendo stick and held it up to the light. Tears flowed from his eyes like waterfalls. He had never known pain like this, it was excruciating. Not even his own father's death had caused so much pain.
"How much more could there possibly be to learn old man? How much? I'll show you what needs to be learnt." With all his might Cody threw the kendo stick at the closest wall. He was satisfied with the loud crash it made and the photo of him and his father that fell off the hook from the impact.
He stood for a moment in the silence in the middle of his room. His breathing was hard and his face was cold. Why did it always get so cold after someone left? Especially someone he cared so much about. He shivered and the tears started again. He fell to the ground in a sobbing heap, he never wanted to see the world again and he was quite sure they wouldn't miss him. He had now truly faded.
"Damn you." He whispered between tears, "I hate you."
"You know Cody 'hate' is a very strong word."
"You shouldn't use it very often."
"Shut up."
"It's not his fault you know Cody, It's nobody's fault."
"Yeah she's right Cody, don't go blaming the old man for dying, that's sacrilege"
"Shut up."
Cody flopped onto his back and stared up at the light of his room. It hurt for a moment, his eyes had been squeezed shut for so long they weren't used to the light but he didn't mind. For a while he was paralysed, his mind completely blank. The only thing that registered was the enormous pain he felt in his heart and that empty feeling in his stomach. Like there was a hold just below his ribs, it hurt.
After a while his tears stopped, his eyes and mouth went uncomfortably dry. He closed his eyes, wincing at the stinging sensation that came from that action. He saw two faces in his mind, to very familiar faces. The exchange student with her pretty pale eyes and short dark hair. And Owikawa. He found this mildly disturbing until the voices started again. It all made sense.
"Are you finished yet?"
"Don't be so cruel. Haven't you heard of mourning periods?"
"I didn't mean that."
"Than what did you mean?"
"Who are you?"
The two voices stopped arguing at his question and he was almost certain he could hear cicadas chirping in his mind. It took longer than expected for the voices to reply.
"We are you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's hard to explain."
"I have… forever to listen."
"Well… think of it as we're you're… alter egos."
"Yeah, what you could be, or aspire to be or something like that."
"I don't understand."
"You don't have to."
"There are a lot of things you won't understand in life Cody, its best you just leave them be. Not everything has to make sense you know."
"It would be nice,"
"I'm sure it would, but these are the things you have to learn to live with."
"Okay."
"Why do you want to know anyway?"
"I didn't know if it was normal to hear voices or not."
"It isn't."
"So that makes me crazy?"
"No it makes you unique."
"Is it because I don't have any friends, you know… that I hear you guys?"
"You do have friends."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"That's because you don't let them in. You keep blocking the world out and yet complain when it leaves you."
"Cody you have to learn to trust people more, they aren't all that bad."
"That's not what I'm worried about."
"Then why do you always keep everyone at arms length?"
"…Do you have material forms?"
"What do you mean?"
"Material forms, like bodies?"
"No Cody, we don't."
"We're a part of you Cody, we are you."
"You could say that you are our material body. We live in side you. You are us."
"…I'm sorry Mr. Owikawa. We let you down, I let you down. Would you tell my father I love him?"
Cody waited patiently for a reply. When one didn't come he sighed and sat up. More tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he didn't bother stopping them when they escaped and ran down his cheeks. They were gone and he got the feeling they wouldn't return. Ever. Just like his grandfather they were gone. Just like his father, Mr. Owikawa and the exchange student. They were gone. The air grew colder.
Scrunching up his resolve he climbed to his feet and sat down at his desk. He picked up the letter from the foreign girl and studied it closely. His address was written in English but his name was written in Japanese. She had spelt it correct as well. He ripped one end out and tipped the contents onto his desk.
It contained a two page letter and a photo of them together near the library where they would sit and talk. He carefully propped the picture against the wall next to a picture of his father. He shivered involuntarily and felt goose bumps travel up his arms and legs. He was starting to despise the cold.
He gently opened the letter and began to read. One sheet was in English and the other was in very bad Japanese, all written in hiragana, but he appreciated it none the less. Once he'd finished reading it he ripped a few pages out of his maths book and began writing back. He barely remembered what her letter had said, instead of replying exactly to it he wrote all his woes down in Japanese to her. He didn't care if she could understand it or not, he needed a release and this seemed the most logical way to accomplish it. Before he ended it he checked her letter for the spelling of her name. 'Mye, aka: Minnie.'
Once he had finished he checked his alarm clock, it was exactly twelve midnight. He didn't realise he'd been awake so long. Once he realised how long he'd been awake his throat suddenly felt like it'd been stuffed with cotton buds. He needed a drink.
For the first time since he arrived home he stepped outside his room. The air was freezing, so cold he contemplated just retreating back to his room and going to bed. He tried to swallow and his resolve hardened. He needed a drink.
He padded out into the living room. His mother was curled up on the couch clutching an empty bottle of sake to her bosom. Tears streamed down her cheeks even in sleep. He felt his heart tighten and braced himself for the tears that would follow but they never came. They were all gone.
Before going to the kitchen he retrieved a blanket from the closet and draped it over his mother. The air was so cold he wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't already caught a cold. Cody was beginning to despise the cold even more than before. Why was it always so cold?
When he was satisfied that his mother would be warm enough he made his way to the kitchen. It was even colder in here than the living room. He could distinctly feel his toes start to go numb. He ignored it and opened the fridge. For a moment he couldn't remember what he had come here for. He caught sight of a bottle of prune juice sitting at the back of the refrigerator. Without thinking he took it out and poured its contents down the sink. He wouldn't haunt them anymore; Cody would make sure of that.
When he was finished he left the bottle in the sink and resumed getting himself a drink. He poured a glass of water and carried it with him past his mother and back to his room. It was the only room in the house with the lights still on, the light hurt his eyes.
He gulped the water down and fell onto his bed. The air had made the sheets go cold and he wondered again exactly why everything was so cold. The answer came to him instantly, he was alone, and that was why it was always so cold. Everyone he loved or that had loved him even slightly in return was gone. Any warmth they had provided was gone and he was left shivering and alone. It wasn't the air that was cold, it was his heart.
Involuntarily the last conversation he had had with the voices drifted back to his mind.
"Is it because I don't have any friends, you know… that I hear you guys?"
"You do have friends."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"That's because you don't let them in. You keep blocking the world out and yet complain when it leaves you."
"Cody you have to learn to trust people more, they aren't all that bad."
"That's not what I'm worried about."
"Then why do you always keep everyone at arms length?"
"Because I'm afraid." He whispered in reply to the memory, "Afraid they'll leave me like everyone else. I don't want to be alone, but if it means avoiding this pain then I don't have any other choice. I don't ever want to feel like this again."
"Cody you have to learn to trust people more, they aren't all that bad."
"I did trust them; I trusted them with everything I had. They were the ones that betrayed my trust."
"You do have friends."
"But I don't want them."
"…Have to learn to trust people more, they aren't all that bad."
"But they betrayed my trust,"
"You do have friends."
"They betrayed my trust."
"…They aren't all that bad."
"But…"
"…Aren't all that bad."
"But…"
"You do have friends."
"You don't understand."
"…Have to learn to trust people more…"
"I'll get hurt…"
"You do have friends."
"…They aren't all that bad."
"Shut up!"
Cody sat up and rubbed his temples. His hands were sweaty and shaking. They didn't understand, he didn't want friends. He didn't want to love or trust; he didn't want to trust them back. He just wanted to be alone, wanted to wallow in his own self pity until he drowned in it. Why couldn't they see that?
It was then Cody realised the voices were gone, just a memory. It had all been his mind playing tricks on him. Of course he didn't need friends, he had his own mind. That would keep him company enough, right?
Who was he kidding if he kept this up for a moment longer he would surely go insane. He couldn't live with his mind, he was left alone with it for less than an hour and he was already sick of it. He needed a distraction, something to take his mind off everything. An escape.
He was tempted to call Davis but one look at his alarm clock convinced him otherwise. It was almost One O'clock. He didn't feel the slightest bit tired but he climbed under the sheets anyway. He didn't expect to sleep, just to lie uncomfortably and let the thoughts stew over in his mind. And that he did.
The voices had stopped haunting him, as had his grandfather, but the memories never left. Surprisingly enough the memory of the voices had precedence over his grandfather. It might have been because of the unbearable, overwhelming hatred he felt towards his grandfather at the moment. Or because the voices argument had started to sway him, he was breaking.
He did have friends, that much was true. There was Davis and Yolie and Kari and TK, even Ken. As much as he didn't want to admit it he had friends. And the voices were right, he did need them and he did keep pushing them away. They weren't that bad really, they may have been insincere in their comfort but it was all in good spirits right?
Of course they couldn't possibly understand what he was going through but they tried to be there, tried to warm him up. Why was he so reluctant to let them in? The answer came to him instantly, because he was a coward. A lowly stinking coward and he was afraid they would leave and he would be cold once again.
But the voices were right. He had to trust them more, had to place more faith in the fact that there was a chance -a good chance- of them staying. And if he had to bear this burden of hate and pain and loss and tears all by himself he would not be responsible for his actions. And they would not be responsible for his death.
All at once the feeling of fading left and he was overcome with sleep. He wasn't alone, just scared. He wasn't fading just pushing the world away. His grandfather wasn't dead, just reduced to memories. And the voices lived on. Before he drifted off into a deep slumber the coldness receded, only slightly, but enough to make him smile.
The next week was one of very best he had experienced since his adventures in the digiworld. It wasn't until the Saturday, however, that things really started to look up. He was invited to watch one of Davis' soccer matches. His team was playing Kens team. Cody hadn't laughed so much for a long time.
"How's your grandfather Cody?" Kari asked at half time, she looked concerned but he could tell otherwise.
Cody didn't reply straight away, instead he picked his words carefully.
"He lives on."
This seemed to satisfy Kari, she smiled in confirmation and turned her attention to TK. Just as he had though, she didn't really care, but he could get past that. She at least feigned concern.
He watched the rest of the game in a half dazed stupor. He wasn't terribly interested in soccer but it did its job and caused a distraction from the memories. The game ended a tie, only Davis and Ken had scored and only once each. Davis was over the moon with elation and Ken seemed happy enough.
Cody congratulated them both and made to leave. The only one to notice was Davis; he caught him before he could go and offered to walk him home. His face was serious and his eyes looked deep, this was a rare sight.
"Cody how are you feeling?" He asked, picking Demiveemon up and placing him carefully on his spiky head. Demiveemon seemed to find this amusing and held on to Davis hair like reigns.
"I'm okay." Cody replied watching Demiveemon tug playfully at Davis' hair
"You look like you've got a lot on your mind, well more than usual."
"Not really."
They were silent as they crossed the street
"You're not very good at lying are you?" Davis said dropping the soccer ball he had been holding and kicking it along in front of him. Cody didn't reply but watched the ball intently as it rolled along the side walk, "Cody?"
"Yeah?" Cody didn't take his eyes off the soccer ball
"How's your grandfather?" Again Cody didn't reply, he didn't know how to. He couldn't think of any way to phrase it. He was dead, "Cody?"
"Yeah?"
"Look at me." Davis stopped suddenly and held the ball still with his foot. Cody stopped after Davis so his back was facing him. He couldn't turn around, no matter how hard he willed it he couldn't move, "Cody?"
"Yeah?"
"He's dead isn't he?" Cody winced at the way Davis so comfortably talked about his grandfather's death. Almost as if he was a bird that had accidentally been let out of its cage and had flown away, "Cody?"
"Yes, he's dead."
"I'm sorry," Davis whispered. Cody winced again. He could tell Davis didn't mean that.
"You're not very good at lying aren't you?" Cody whispered and turned to face him, "You're not sorry at all."
"No I'm not." Davis said simply picking the ball up again and holding it to his chest, "You're not the only one to lose a grandfather you know, people die all the time."
Cody didn't exactly know how to reply. He was right, or course, no matter how hard he tried to conceal it Davis really always knew what he was talking about. Cody could tell, he didn't know why but everything Davis said had always made sense to him.
"It's a part of life Cody,"
"I know."
"You aren't sad?" Davis asked laying one of his warm hands on Cody's shoulder, "Because it's alright to be sad, that's another part of life."
"I hate him." Cody replied simply looking up into Davis' eyes.
"You what?"
"I hate him."
Davis didn't seem to understand, his eyebrows knotted together and his jaw clenched and unclenched spasmodically. Cody could see the confusion swimming around in his eyes. Several times he opened his mouth as if to speak but snapped it shut again immediately.
"I have to go home now," Cody said ducking out of his grip (which was getting quite painful) and turning his back on him.
"Cody wait," Cody stopped as soon as the words reached his ears. He knew Davis would call out to him. He wanted him to, "Cody."
Cody spun around to face Davis and much to his surprise Davis wrapped his arms around his shoulders in a protective hug. He didn't know what to do; the only people to ever hug him were his mother and Yolie. So he did the only thing that seemed logical, he lent up against Davis' chest and began to cry
When Davis tried to push him away he gripped onto his shirt like a three year old and refused to let go. He didn't know how long they stood like that, in the middle of the busy street, but when they parted the sun had vanished behind a tall building and they were cast into its shadow. In most cases the lack of the suns warmth would cause him to shiver. Now, however, each heart beat brought wave after wave of warmth.
He looked up at Davis with admiration clearly shining in his eyes. Davis blushed, then he blushed and they both began to laugh. Demiveemon sang out of tune the whole way back to Cody's apartment.
Davis walked him to the lobby then informed Cody he had to get home and baby-sit Jun. She was grounded and he needed to keep an eye on her while their parents were out in case she slipped out.
"I'll see you soon." Davis said waving and turning his back on Cody
"Davis!" Cody yelled out to him jogging slightly to catch up to him. When he reached him he bowed low and whispered:
"Thank you Davis."
Davis smiled and patted his head,
"No prob little buddy, all in a days work." He winked then left. But the air didn't get cold.
When Cody entered the apartment his mother was already back. Actually, he didn't know if she had left at all. She greeted him seriously, her eyes had dark rings around them but she wasn't crying.
"Your grandfather's funeral is next week." She said simply, "And I'm ordering pizza for dinner."
He nodded solemnly and quickly retreated to his room. He sat down at his desk and glared at a book that sat under his nose. He wondered if his grandfather had died painfully, whether he suffered as they suffered right now. He hated seeing his mother so powerless, so vulnerable. His mother was the strongest person he knew and she had been reduced to the wreck she was at the moment. He remembered just why he hated his grandfather so much.
The next day he found a new kendo teacher.
Three days later he got a call from Yolie. She wailed and cried into the phone and his stomach filled with dread. He couldn't get two words out of her between her sobs. Instead of trying to talk to her he put his shoes on and walked the flight of stairs down to her apartment.
She was the only person home when he got there. He could hear her crying from her room but she didn't hear him so he invited himself in. Her bedroom door was hard to open due to a build up of pillows and stuffed animals that had found their way in front of it. He noticed when he walked in a photo of Ken in a broken frame lying on the floor. He had some idea now of why she was crying.
His suspicions were confirmed when she threw herself at him and began wailing into his chest.
"Cody, he yelled at me Cody, he hates me I know it!"
Cody awkwardly patted her head and wrapped his arms around her shoulders
"We had the biggest fight Cody! I won't be surprised if he never talks to me again! Cody I don't want to hate him, but he's so impossible!"
Cody gently led her over to the bed and sat her down. She instantly attached herself to him and began sobbing on his shoulder. Time seemed to pass so slowly and eventually his neck began to ache. Luckily before the pain got too much to handle she lifter her head off his shoulder and sniffed helplessly. She rubbed the tears out of her eyes with the back of her hand and looked up at him with her tear filled auburn eyes.
"Cody I'm so sorry," She whimpered between hiccoughs
"It's okay," He whispered back standing up and making to leave
"Cody," Yolie said softly, but loud enough for him to hear, "Don't go."
Cody sighed and turned back locking his eyes onto her. He wanted to shout at her, but he didn't dare. The way her eyes shone in the light, the blotched red of her cheeks. Sympathy washed over him as he made his way back to her bed.
"Cody," She whispered once he'd sat himself down, "How's your grandfather?"
"He's fine," He whispered back staring down at his shoes.
There was silence for a moment before Yolie whispered again
"He's not fine, is he Cody?" She asked
"No," He replied just as softly, never once did he remove his eyes from his shoes
She brushed her cold fingers across his cheek and gently lifted his chin up and around so he was looking directly into her eyes. There was no sympathy there, no fake concern. He couldn't read anything in her eyes; they had so suddenly become hard as rocks.
"What happened to him Cody?" She asked so seriously he was sure this wasn't the Yolie he knew.
"He died," He answered involuntarily; she had him trapped in her eyes. No wonder Ken liked her so much.
"When?" She asked so softly he barely heard her
He was tempted to reply, he could have told her anything in that moment. He was hypnotised by her eyes, but his hate for his grandfather overrode even her. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face away.
"Does it matter?" He growled clenching and unclenching his fist
"Cody?" She had broken out of her serious trance and now slipped her arms around his neck and laid her chin on his shoulder, "Do you want to talk about it?"
He clenched his fist so hard his nails drew blood. She didn't care at all. He stood up so suddenly Yolie was still clinging on to him. When she let go she almost tumbled off the bed but caught herself before she did.
"Cody what's the matter?"
"You don't care at all." He whispered dangerously
Not waiting for an answer he stalked out of her room. Each step bringing more and more guilt to the pit of his stomach. When he reached the door Yolie was out of her room and steadily following him, her eyes wary and her breathing unsteady.
He stopped at the door and glanced back at her. New tears were shining unshed in her eyes and her lip trembled slightly. Again he felt like shouting, or just screaming until all the air was pushed out of his body. But he did neither; instead he opened the door without breaking eye contact, and left.
He heard Yolie call after him and found he couldn't move from the door. He closed it behind him, but still he couldn't walk away. Instead of trying he leant up against the door and slowly slid down to the floor. He felt Yolie sit down on the other side but neither started talking.
"Cody?" Yolie said after the silence seemed too much to bear, "Why do you hate me?"
"It's not you I hate Yolie, it's him." Cody said back simply
"Why?"
"Because he left,"
"You can't really blame him you know Cody. It's not his fault,"
"That's what they said as well." He mumbled under his breath.
"Sorry?"
"Nothing."
There was silence again, Cody began to fidget.
"…Do you miss him Cody?"
"Yes."
"…I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"I've been ignoring you. Ever since Ken and I started dating I've been neglecting everyone else. I'm sorry; I was supposed to look after you. You still wanna be my little brother Cody?"
Cody thought for a moment. So she did care, after all that, she had cared all along. It was true he had considered her the older sister he would never have, it seemed so right. It was so right. It wasn't her who didn't care, it was him. He didn't care for friendship; he didn't care for those who did. Despite the voices and their memories he had been subconsciously pushing everyone away from him. Was it second nature to him now? To isolate himself from everyone who cared?
"Of course." He answered
He stood up and on the other side of the door he heard Yolie climb to her feet. She opened the door and they instantly embraced, tears running down both of their faces.
"Thanks Cody, for giving me a second chance."
"No problem." He replied sniffing slightly
"You know…" She said suggestively, "We should all go into the digiworld. All of us, together. What do you think?"
"I think that's a great idea Yolie."
The held each other for a moment longer until the phone started to ring. Yolie pulled away from him wiping her face and smiling maternally. She pat his chest softly then murmured something about Ken. He smiled down at her and left. The hallways were warmer than he remembered.
He got a call from TK later that night confirming their trip to the digiworld. They were to meet on the weekend at the school. 'To reminisce.'
Cody couldn't remember a time when he was more anxious for school to finish that Saturday. He fidgeted in his seat and didn't pay attention to any of the work. He watched the clock slowly, ever so slowly, click towards 11:30. Once the bell finally sounded he dashed out of the classroom without doing his share of the cleaning. It was his week as well but Armadillomon was more important than cleaning.
He met Ken on his way out. Obviously Ken thought the same way about cleaning as he did. He had come across to the Junior High to pick him up. He couldn't really complain when Ken tagged along to meet Kari, TK, Davis and Yolie.
From their school they made their way towards the Junior High Kari, TK, Davis and Yolie had attended. It was already almost empty, they had guessed that when they had waded through the sea of yellow heads on their way here.
They were lucky they didn't run into any teachers they knew. The computer lab was also empty. There was no club on Saturday, TK had researched it. Cody would have been so overwhelmed by memories when he stepped into the computer lab, if he hadn't been so eager to get to the digiworld. He wanted to see Armadillomon more than anything in the world right now.
When they warped into the digiworld they were greeted by Armadillomon, Hawkmon and Wormmon. Again Cody could instantly tell there was something different about Armadillomon. He was about to mention it when Yolie yelled something about food from behind them. Armadillomon was inaccessible for the next half an hour.
When they finally did get time to talk Cody found he couldn't ask Armadillomon anything. He had pondered during their lunch to ask him to come back to the real world. But again the question just sounded so stupid he couldn't seem to get it past his lips.
He was glad when TK announced they should go walking somewhere, he needed a distraction. Davis didn't think the idea was too grand, he complained the whole way because Veemon decided it would be fun to try ride on his head.
"So Cody, how are you feeling?" Kari asked as they trekked through a thick rocky forest. Suddenly he agreed with Davis, this walk was time consuming and pointless.
"I'm fine thanks." He replied. Why was it everyone seemed to think he was always depressed. He didn't look that serious did he?
"How's your grandfather?" TK asked from his other side
"His funeral is in two days," Cody replied nonchalantly. He felt like a little kid walking between his parents
"Oh… Cody I'm sorry… I didn't know." TK apologised laying a hand on his shoulder. He fell silent after that.
"I'm sorry." Kari echoed, her eyes were serious.
"It's okay, I'm okay." Cody said trying a smile out. It didn't feel right to smile, not right now, so he gave up half way through.
Kari leant over and hugged him
"I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to okay Cody." She whispered in his ear, "We'll always be here for you."
"Thanks…"
It turned out their walk hadn't been in vain, after their slow progress through the underbrush of the forest they reached a wide green meadow. It looked like in spring time it might have been home to all sorts of wildflowers, but at the moment every last inch of ground was covered with a thick long green grass.
They walked out into the middle of the field and everyone went their separate ways. Davis began chasing Veemon, TK and Kari began chasing Davis and Yolie and Ken disappeared together. Cody was left with only Armadillomon as company.
Cody lay down in the soft long grass and watched the clouds lazily drift across the sky, Armadillomon by his side. They lay there in silence until Cody lost track of the time. He could hear the others yelling and talking somewhere off in the distance, could hear birds chirping happily in the trees and noisy cicadas chirping through the long grass. His mind wandered.
"Cody?" Armadillomon asked after many silent moments, "Have you ever been in love?"
At that moment, in his groggy, half asleep brain the question didn't sound as outrageous as it would have normally.
"What do you mean?" He replied softly
"In love," Armadillomon replied simply, "With another human."
"Well Armadillomon, there are more than one kind of love. There's a platonic love, like friendship. Then there's the love of a family. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother. Family love. Then there's the passionate love. The love of another woman, or man like husband and wife. So yes, Armadillomon, you could say I've been in love.
Armadillomon fell silent. That obviously wasn't the answer he had been expecting.
In the silence Cody came close to falling asleep several times. The only thing stopping him was the stupid question that haunted his mind and the memory of the voices. Eventually he got his mouth around a question, not the one his mind wanted him to ask, but a question none the less.
"Armadillomon… what does it mean to you to be a digimon?"
"…I don't understand Cody."
"To be a digimon, what does it mean to you?" Cody didn't really understand the question himself he just had an overwhelming urge to ask it.
"Well… I guess it means… digivolving."
"Is that it?"
"Well… yeah. And food of course."
They were plunged once again into silence. Another question sat on the tip of Cody's tongue but he refused to ask it. Instead he sat up, looked at Armadillomon as he watched the clouds drift across the sky and whispered:
"I miss you Armadillomon."
"…I miss you too Cody."
Cody lay back down in the soft grass. He wasn't sure how long they were there, or if he was even awake the whole time but when the sky began to change from blue to a light twilight purple he heard TK call out to him.
He stood up out of the grass and caught sight of a brilliant sunset just on the horizon. He didn't take much notice of it, or he didn't have much time to, because TK ushered them all urgently back into the forest. The whole way he muttered how Matt was going to kill him for being late.
Cody didn't get much time to say goodbye to Armadillomon, they wished each other well quickly and TK urgently ushered him into the digiport. He didn't wait around with the others. As soon as he reached the other side he left the school and proceeded to walk home.
That Sunday his mother had stayed home again. She spent the whole day organising the funeral as if it were a grand event that needed constant vigilance. But the way she moved, the way her face betrayed her eyes, the way her lips were always pursed made her efforts to conceal her emotions almost laughable. He could tell she wanted just as much as he did to scream and rip her hair out. The pressure was building and it wouldn't be long until she blew.
He had been offered to take the day off school that Monday, the funeral wasn't until 5:00, but he declined. If he had to watch her any longer he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from yelling and screaming until all her pressure subsided or exploded. He needed to escape from the intense hate which burned just above his stomach, needed to escape the tsunami of memories which bore down on him and flooded his brain. He needed an escape.
And escape he got. There was a new exchange student at their school, a boy. He was the most beautiful creature Cody had ever seen. His hair was white and his eyes a most perfect crystalline blue. He was a Botticelli's angel, a cherub, more delicate than a feather, more beautiful than a rose. But Cody steered clear of him, of his gaze, he didn't need to get involved, he didn't need more voices.
He again skipped cleaning duty and fled from the school. When he returned home his mother was wearing a pure black kimono with a silver pattern like moonshine that crept up the left side. She was holding a bottle of sake in both her hands and her eyes were strangely unfocused. Cody didn't look at her as he passed the living room.
There was a black suit waiting for him on the back of his desk chair. He ignored it and slipped a plain black tee-shirt over his head and donned a pair of black pants. His grandfather would receive no formalities from him.
The funeral was held at a small temple at the top of a hill just out of town. All his friends had been invited, only Kari and Yolie wore black. Through the whole service Cody folded little paper cranes out of the programs his mother had supplied. It was not open grave, Cody was glad for that. He didn't know what he would have done should he have to see his dead grandfathers body. He didn't know if he would be able to resist screaming at it.
Once the service had finished and the coffin buried each of his friends hugged him, excluding Ken, and left. His distant relatives, most of whom he didn't know existed, cooed and fussed over him. They didn't seem to realise he didn't care. They all acted as if he were bawling his eyes out right there.
Hours passed and his mother never once moved from his grandfather's grave. Cody waited patiently by a blossoming sakura tree. The limbs of the tree looked mangled and twisted but the little pink buds which strained against the cold to grow gave it a melancholic look of struggle. Cody reached up to the closest limb and broke off a branch which sported three or four little buds. He walked over next to his mother and threw them down amongst the colourful flowers which adorned the grave.
"I hate him." His mother whispered so softly Cody almost missed it.
Cody was so taken by the statement he forgot to think. He turned his head slightly to look at his mother. Tears were streaming down her cheeks like waterfalls and her bottom lip trembled pathetically. As many times as he had said it himself he didn't believe one bit his mother could feel the same.
"Mamma?" He whispered uncertainly, not really sure how she would reply.
She tilted her head and looked at him with those striking emerald eyes of hers. She looked so much like a dear caught in the car headlights then Cody was close to hugging her. Somehow, he though, that wouldn't help.
She cleared her throat, "I'm sorry Cody dear I suppose we should get going." She said in a strained voice.
Neither of them moved
He watched silently as the strongest woman he had ever known cried like an infant over his dead grandfather's grave. Again the burning seething hate swelled up in the pit of his stomach. He only barely restrained from stamping on the grave, he didn't think that would help either.
"Damn him," He whispered forcefully under his breath
His mother looked over at him with a mixture of shock and confusion. He returned her look with one of his own. His voice filled with spite he muttered:
"Why did he have to leave? Why?"
His mother frowned and took his hand in her own. Her fingers were freezing, but his were as well. Together they walked in silence towards the car. Neither of them got in, instead his mother stopped, moved him so he was facing her and laid both of her hands on his shoulders.
"Why do you hate him so much Cody?" She asked solemnly
"Why do you?" He replied defiantly
Her face went through a startling series of emotions. At first he thought she would slap him across the face, her eyes were filled with an inexplicable rage. But the fire quickly died down into a forced, fake smile. That was soon replaced by a frown so filled with pity and sadness it brought Cody an arms length from tears.
"Oh Cody…" she whispered and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, bringing him into a warm embrace.
Suddenly everything seemed right, the dark cold clouds, the eerie breeze, the creaking of the old sakura tree's limbs. They all melted away to give way to sunshine and warmth. She hadn't held him like this since he was eight years old. Involuntarily tears began to well up in his eyes. He couldn't repress his emotions, not any longer. He silently sobbed into her silky kimono until his eyes were sore and his throat was dry. He looked up into her green eyes streaked with veins and the cold gave way to warmth.
They didn't need him anymore, they had each other. Everything was right again in his warm world.
~fin~
******
AN: Whew it's finally finished. This is probably the longest single chapter fic I've ever written. I hoped you all enjoyed and got a good look into our little Iori's mind ^_^ isn't he precious!