Needs
By
Angel
A/Notes. I haven't watched season 4 yet - the UK haven't got dates. But I do love to be spoiled; I think I know most of what has happened through reading the transcripts. This little fic was inspired by the preview to Promises. I hope you have all seen it. If not, turn away! Run! Run! Run!
As always, feedback is relished...good or bad.
XXX
She tries very hard to stand still, but with each passing microt her body cries out for rest. She will not meet him that way. She will meet him as she has in the past. Standing tall and confident as the soldier in her was bred to be. She smiles sadly. It is he who is the soldier now; it was her training and desertion that aided the evolution. A lifetime ago she would have admired it, relished the change in his demure. A lifetime ago she would have never considered the life of another above her regiment. A lifetime ago she would never have put her own life above his.
Her feet shuffle against the soft floor of Moya. She is home. She is among friends again. They may not see it that way, not when they come to realise who has helped her; who she has placed her misguided trust in. Would they understand what she has sacrificed? Will they care? The questions heighten her anxiety and cause a moan to escape from her lips.
She feels weary, no, exhausted. The past momens have not been kind and she hopes it is not the same for John, for the others. She has come to rely more on hope than on judgement. Hope that she will live to see him again. Just once. And to try and make him understand what she has done, why she has done it. She knows what this will do to him, to her. Fates haven't collided to assist in this meeting.
She turns at a sound, trying so very hard to control her emotions, her fears, her hopes and her dreams. And she sees him. Pulse pistol drawn, eyes glittering in the semi light. She steps forward slowly, as slowly as her heart allows. Watches as his eyes widen in recognition. The sound of his voice a welcome diversion from the pain that rips through her heart.
"Aeryn, you've come back."
His words break her control. She feels her face contort, trying to look nonchalant. It's no use though. The sight of him is too much to bear. She wonders if he will forgive her the sins she can't forgive herself for. He looks worried, scared. He should be. The thought makes her crumple more. Feeling the splashes of tears as they fall silently from her eyes.
And then he speaks again, "Everything's, gonna be alright."
She moves quickly into his open arms. All strength drained as she falls forward into the strong grip. She hopes his strength will see them both through this. Her knees buckle, taking him to the floor with her. And she sobs. Quietly at first, for the loss she has felt, for the loss that she feels and for the loss of another.
He makes soothing sounds, stroking her hair, cupping her face. Holding her while she cries. Making no attempt to ask, question or interrupt the endless flow of grief that ebbs from her body. She needs this. She won't get it again. Not when he understands her reasons for returning.
She wriggles into his touch, drawing herself closer to his heart. Listening to the erratic beat against her face. She had dreamed of this moment. Hoped that they would meet again. But it is too soon. Their hearts haven't mended yet. She had wanted to wait. Wait for the right time, knowing there could never be one. Her judgement wouldn't allow for that.
He cradles her like one would a baby. Shushing her quietly, rocking her back and forth. She can almost forget why she is here. Almost. She wishes that time would be still, not break the connection. But it will. And it makes her cry more. Heart wrenching cries that were long since been buried.
"It's okay Aeryn. I'm here. Everything's gonna be all right" He whispers into her damp hair.
But it wont be. Nothing will ever be right again. He will hate her as she has come to hate herself. His anger will hold her at a distance that will never be breached. She feels it already. And it's too soon.
She opens her mouth to take a gulp of air, but finds her voice betraying her mind. "I am sorry. Please. If you believe nothing else, know that I am truly sorry." It doesn't sound like her voice, doesn't hold the weight that it once did. Doesn't hold him either.
She feels the distance. It has begun. She had tried to prepare for it. Tried to find in deep within herself. Only now she understands why it couldn't be found. It was never lost. It had been there from the microt she left. Been with her ever since. But only now does she feel the true impact and she shudders.
Arms circle her waist, gently forcing her to face him. She closes her eyes wondering if she can't see then she wont feel. But she feels. Feels the apprehension, feels the tightness in his body, his voice.
"Aeryn, what have you done?" He whispers, hoping that she wont answer. Begging silently that she does.
Her eyes open. Blue eyes shine back. Memories that she thought were clear have deceived her. Too soon to come together, too long being apart. She has remembered the wrong things. Remembered the hurt, remembered the pain. Shielded her mind from the trust, from the love. It was easier that way. But now, the eyes that stare back are haunted. She can almost imagine the look of betrayal that will reflect from them when he learns the truth.
"Please. You have to be strong. I can't do this without you. I wont do this without you." Her voice soft, but the pain is evident.
"Aeryn. What have you done?" He asks again, trying to understand what has changed her so much.
She grabs at his face, pulls it close to hers. He doesn't struggle, just moves forward. Her lips find his and she crushes them and with it the hope of ever being loved by this man again. Suddenly she is kissing air, distance. Her eyes remain closed. She can't do this any other way. If she sees the look in his eyes she will die. Again.
"It was the only way." But she knows that is not true. It was her way. Her choice. Her decision. No one else involved. No one else there to ask, to confer with, to seek alternatives.
"Open your eyes." He states, understanding her all to well. "Open them damn it." He needs to see to believe. She needs to be blind to carry on.
She shakes her head. "Please..." and then she feels it. The fear. It rips through her body as his grip releases her.
"Stop it Aeryn. You're scaring me here."
Her eyes open briefly, and then close. Shutting out his face, those eyes. She draws a shaky breath, her mind lucid. He has every right to be scared. It is only the beginning. And then he speaks again, softly, voice etched with the fear she feels.
"The baby. Is it the baby?" He whispers.
Again she shakes her head. She doesn't ask how he knows. It's not important. Not at this time. And she hears herself say the name; the one name that has brought them to their knees. The name that always controls their fate; controls and manipulates it for it's own purpose.
"Scorpius" She waits for the anger. When it's not forthcoming she allows a look. A voice in her head urging her forward, "He is here."
She is surprised by a soft laugh, "No. He is dead Aeryn. I saw it happen." And his hands find her face, pulling her close. He thinks she is the delusional one this time. He is wrong.
"John, he is here. He, he helped me." She stops knowing it isn't the right word. He saved her. But just what did he save her from? For? She feels his body, hears his heart, it screams 'Traitor' and it is correct. She has betrayed them all. Friends she once laid down her life for; friends who trusted her. She needs to explain. She needs to justify her actions. But to do so will cause more pain so instead she whispers his words, "What have I done?"
He straightens, pushing her gently away from his touch. Hands cradle her face. "Look at me." More of a plea than a demand, but she does it. She owes him that much. His eyes are damp, tears of loss. He understands now. Understands what is lost. His eyes search hers, looking for something that isn't there. Regret. He will never see that. What she did was from love. His love. He won't believe that though. Why should he?
He stutters, cant believe he is asking, "You, you, Aeryn tell me you didn't."
Her answer will depend on what part he is asking. She didn't betray him? She didn't allow their nemesis to take her? She didn't forego his trust? Her judgement? A life?
She nods. Unsure what part she is actually answering. Knowing it doesn't matter now. She did all of those things in one form or another. Took the aid that was offered, betraying everyone with it. She wonders now if the end justifies the means. It does. It always will. If she had to do it again she would, in a heartbeat. Her baby's heartbeat.
For that is what she has done. Like mother like daughter. She has sacrificed her lover for her child. She doesn't need to kill him. Her actions will do that for her. Scorpius holds the life that grows inside her, and she has the means to save it.
John Crichton, at one point in time, would have done anything to save her. She couldn't take the risk of being wrong. But she knew he would do anything to save his child. A child he didn't create, but would consider his own anyway.
The decision had been the easy part. No real thought needed, but this? This was harder than watching him die in her arms. What she witnesses now is his hope ebbing away. And without hope they are nothing. She has learned that lesson well in their time apart.
"Let me explain." She implores, "please..."
He uses his legs to push himself away from her. Not yet understanding why he feels so desperate so hurt. She watches as the distance grows along with the space he creates between them. Her hand reaches out, trying to hold on for just a little while longer. He bats it away, falling backwards onto his elbows, still moving in reverse and taking her hope with him. He stops when his back is to the wall.
Cold comfort.
It will be like that for some time; nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
His eyes close and he looks upward, muttering quietly. Trying to regulate his breathing, trying to control the pain. She knows he won't be able to do it. She hasn't. She wraps her arms around her mid section. Aching from loss, as if the gesture alone will keep anymore from escaping. Wishing that she could read his expression as she had in the past. Knowing she can.
"What do you want from me?" He is tired of asking the same question, knowing the consequence of the answers. He asked it to one who raped his mind for information. Asked another who raped his body for contempt. And now to this one. And he hopes that she will be gentle because he doesn't know how much he has left to give.
She takes a deep breath, "Scorpius saved the baby." She doesn't say my, she doesn't say his. "I need what he has. If the baby is to survive, I need him. And he needs..."
"Me" he finishes, looking at her, blinking twice, and cursing softly. She needs Scorpius. Therefore, she needs him too, but not in the way he needs her. The words from a time past seem fitting, she doesn't understand them, but he does. "Whatever you want, whatever, you can have it." He wonders if she is any better than Scorpius, any worse than Grayzar. She wants him. She wants what he can give her. And it wont be his choice. Just like every other time.
~~~End~~~
By
Angel
A/Notes. I haven't watched season 4 yet - the UK haven't got dates. But I do love to be spoiled; I think I know most of what has happened through reading the transcripts. This little fic was inspired by the preview to Promises. I hope you have all seen it. If not, turn away! Run! Run! Run!
As always, feedback is relished...good or bad.
XXX
She tries very hard to stand still, but with each passing microt her body cries out for rest. She will not meet him that way. She will meet him as she has in the past. Standing tall and confident as the soldier in her was bred to be. She smiles sadly. It is he who is the soldier now; it was her training and desertion that aided the evolution. A lifetime ago she would have admired it, relished the change in his demure. A lifetime ago she would have never considered the life of another above her regiment. A lifetime ago she would never have put her own life above his.
Her feet shuffle against the soft floor of Moya. She is home. She is among friends again. They may not see it that way, not when they come to realise who has helped her; who she has placed her misguided trust in. Would they understand what she has sacrificed? Will they care? The questions heighten her anxiety and cause a moan to escape from her lips.
She feels weary, no, exhausted. The past momens have not been kind and she hopes it is not the same for John, for the others. She has come to rely more on hope than on judgement. Hope that she will live to see him again. Just once. And to try and make him understand what she has done, why she has done it. She knows what this will do to him, to her. Fates haven't collided to assist in this meeting.
She turns at a sound, trying so very hard to control her emotions, her fears, her hopes and her dreams. And she sees him. Pulse pistol drawn, eyes glittering in the semi light. She steps forward slowly, as slowly as her heart allows. Watches as his eyes widen in recognition. The sound of his voice a welcome diversion from the pain that rips through her heart.
"Aeryn, you've come back."
His words break her control. She feels her face contort, trying to look nonchalant. It's no use though. The sight of him is too much to bear. She wonders if he will forgive her the sins she can't forgive herself for. He looks worried, scared. He should be. The thought makes her crumple more. Feeling the splashes of tears as they fall silently from her eyes.
And then he speaks again, "Everything's, gonna be alright."
She moves quickly into his open arms. All strength drained as she falls forward into the strong grip. She hopes his strength will see them both through this. Her knees buckle, taking him to the floor with her. And she sobs. Quietly at first, for the loss she has felt, for the loss that she feels and for the loss of another.
He makes soothing sounds, stroking her hair, cupping her face. Holding her while she cries. Making no attempt to ask, question or interrupt the endless flow of grief that ebbs from her body. She needs this. She won't get it again. Not when he understands her reasons for returning.
She wriggles into his touch, drawing herself closer to his heart. Listening to the erratic beat against her face. She had dreamed of this moment. Hoped that they would meet again. But it is too soon. Their hearts haven't mended yet. She had wanted to wait. Wait for the right time, knowing there could never be one. Her judgement wouldn't allow for that.
He cradles her like one would a baby. Shushing her quietly, rocking her back and forth. She can almost forget why she is here. Almost. She wishes that time would be still, not break the connection. But it will. And it makes her cry more. Heart wrenching cries that were long since been buried.
"It's okay Aeryn. I'm here. Everything's gonna be all right" He whispers into her damp hair.
But it wont be. Nothing will ever be right again. He will hate her as she has come to hate herself. His anger will hold her at a distance that will never be breached. She feels it already. And it's too soon.
She opens her mouth to take a gulp of air, but finds her voice betraying her mind. "I am sorry. Please. If you believe nothing else, know that I am truly sorry." It doesn't sound like her voice, doesn't hold the weight that it once did. Doesn't hold him either.
She feels the distance. It has begun. She had tried to prepare for it. Tried to find in deep within herself. Only now she understands why it couldn't be found. It was never lost. It had been there from the microt she left. Been with her ever since. But only now does she feel the true impact and she shudders.
Arms circle her waist, gently forcing her to face him. She closes her eyes wondering if she can't see then she wont feel. But she feels. Feels the apprehension, feels the tightness in his body, his voice.
"Aeryn, what have you done?" He whispers, hoping that she wont answer. Begging silently that she does.
Her eyes open. Blue eyes shine back. Memories that she thought were clear have deceived her. Too soon to come together, too long being apart. She has remembered the wrong things. Remembered the hurt, remembered the pain. Shielded her mind from the trust, from the love. It was easier that way. But now, the eyes that stare back are haunted. She can almost imagine the look of betrayal that will reflect from them when he learns the truth.
"Please. You have to be strong. I can't do this without you. I wont do this without you." Her voice soft, but the pain is evident.
"Aeryn. What have you done?" He asks again, trying to understand what has changed her so much.
She grabs at his face, pulls it close to hers. He doesn't struggle, just moves forward. Her lips find his and she crushes them and with it the hope of ever being loved by this man again. Suddenly she is kissing air, distance. Her eyes remain closed. She can't do this any other way. If she sees the look in his eyes she will die. Again.
"It was the only way." But she knows that is not true. It was her way. Her choice. Her decision. No one else involved. No one else there to ask, to confer with, to seek alternatives.
"Open your eyes." He states, understanding her all to well. "Open them damn it." He needs to see to believe. She needs to be blind to carry on.
She shakes her head. "Please..." and then she feels it. The fear. It rips through her body as his grip releases her.
"Stop it Aeryn. You're scaring me here."
Her eyes open briefly, and then close. Shutting out his face, those eyes. She draws a shaky breath, her mind lucid. He has every right to be scared. It is only the beginning. And then he speaks again, softly, voice etched with the fear she feels.
"The baby. Is it the baby?" He whispers.
Again she shakes her head. She doesn't ask how he knows. It's not important. Not at this time. And she hears herself say the name; the one name that has brought them to their knees. The name that always controls their fate; controls and manipulates it for it's own purpose.
"Scorpius" She waits for the anger. When it's not forthcoming she allows a look. A voice in her head urging her forward, "He is here."
She is surprised by a soft laugh, "No. He is dead Aeryn. I saw it happen." And his hands find her face, pulling her close. He thinks she is the delusional one this time. He is wrong.
"John, he is here. He, he helped me." She stops knowing it isn't the right word. He saved her. But just what did he save her from? For? She feels his body, hears his heart, it screams 'Traitor' and it is correct. She has betrayed them all. Friends she once laid down her life for; friends who trusted her. She needs to explain. She needs to justify her actions. But to do so will cause more pain so instead she whispers his words, "What have I done?"
He straightens, pushing her gently away from his touch. Hands cradle her face. "Look at me." More of a plea than a demand, but she does it. She owes him that much. His eyes are damp, tears of loss. He understands now. Understands what is lost. His eyes search hers, looking for something that isn't there. Regret. He will never see that. What she did was from love. His love. He won't believe that though. Why should he?
He stutters, cant believe he is asking, "You, you, Aeryn tell me you didn't."
Her answer will depend on what part he is asking. She didn't betray him? She didn't allow their nemesis to take her? She didn't forego his trust? Her judgement? A life?
She nods. Unsure what part she is actually answering. Knowing it doesn't matter now. She did all of those things in one form or another. Took the aid that was offered, betraying everyone with it. She wonders now if the end justifies the means. It does. It always will. If she had to do it again she would, in a heartbeat. Her baby's heartbeat.
For that is what she has done. Like mother like daughter. She has sacrificed her lover for her child. She doesn't need to kill him. Her actions will do that for her. Scorpius holds the life that grows inside her, and she has the means to save it.
John Crichton, at one point in time, would have done anything to save her. She couldn't take the risk of being wrong. But she knew he would do anything to save his child. A child he didn't create, but would consider his own anyway.
The decision had been the easy part. No real thought needed, but this? This was harder than watching him die in her arms. What she witnesses now is his hope ebbing away. And without hope they are nothing. She has learned that lesson well in their time apart.
"Let me explain." She implores, "please..."
He uses his legs to push himself away from her. Not yet understanding why he feels so desperate so hurt. She watches as the distance grows along with the space he creates between them. Her hand reaches out, trying to hold on for just a little while longer. He bats it away, falling backwards onto his elbows, still moving in reverse and taking her hope with him. He stops when his back is to the wall.
Cold comfort.
It will be like that for some time; nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
His eyes close and he looks upward, muttering quietly. Trying to regulate his breathing, trying to control the pain. She knows he won't be able to do it. She hasn't. She wraps her arms around her mid section. Aching from loss, as if the gesture alone will keep anymore from escaping. Wishing that she could read his expression as she had in the past. Knowing she can.
"What do you want from me?" He is tired of asking the same question, knowing the consequence of the answers. He asked it to one who raped his mind for information. Asked another who raped his body for contempt. And now to this one. And he hopes that she will be gentle because he doesn't know how much he has left to give.
She takes a deep breath, "Scorpius saved the baby." She doesn't say my, she doesn't say his. "I need what he has. If the baby is to survive, I need him. And he needs..."
"Me" he finishes, looking at her, blinking twice, and cursing softly. She needs Scorpius. Therefore, she needs him too, but not in the way he needs her. The words from a time past seem fitting, she doesn't understand them, but he does. "Whatever you want, whatever, you can have it." He wonders if she is any better than Scorpius, any worse than Grayzar. She wants him. She wants what he can give her. And it wont be his choice. Just like every other time.
~~~End~~~