Excel Unveiled
By Kali
"I don't know about anybody else, but, this coughing and keeling over every five minutes is getting to be a bit much. I mean, can't we, I don't know, spice things up a bit? Do things a little differently?" Hyatt earnestly inquired.
"Hyatt, I so know what you mean. I'm getting a little sick of having to carry you around all the time. Not to mention, this," Excel began, as she toted a huge bag onto the coffee table, "Is my hate mail. How on earth could so many people hate little ole me! I mean what on earth have I done to anyone? Ever?"
A mournful howl shattered Excel's words. "Oh, Menchi, my little snacky wacky pooky-chan. What's the matter?"
Menchi's heartrending howling increased.
"Girls, I have an assignment for you."
"Yes, Lord Ilpalazzo, the center of my universe. All that is, and all that will be, revolves around you for all eternity. I will serve you , without fail, for you are the sun, the moon, and the stars to me."
"Hyatt, I need for you to pretend to be my wife."
"As you wish, Lord Ilpalazzo."
"Wha?!?!!?!" Excel gasped in horror. "Certainly, you must be joking?! You could just ask me, sir. I'd be more than happy to assist you an any way necessary."
Ignoring Excel, he continued, " You'll need to pretend to be my wife in ***every*** way. Is that okay?" He asked, crossing his fingers, as he gazed into Hyatt's gorgeous eyes.
"This is so not fair! Not fair at all! That should be me! Me, me, me, me!! How could Lord Ilpalazzo be so cruel to his loyal servant?! I have given him so much! Sacrificed so much! Starved so much!!
"As yo... ..:::gaack!::: splutter:::"
Ilpalazzo sighed, "Menchi, get the smelling salt. Excel, get a sponge and wipe up the blood."
"But, Lord Ilpalazzo, I can perform the assignment on my own. In fact, I'd be more than happy to. It'd be an honor and a privilege. We don't need her!"
"I need her."
"But, sir..." Excel pleaded with puppy dog eyes.
Ilpalazzo looked down at his trusty hand-held. The options it gave him were, "1) Kill Excel, 2) fire her, 3) ignore her." As tempting as the first one was, he opted for the third. "Ah, Menchi, thanks."
"Oooooooh, it happened again, didn't it?" Hyatt asked as she woozily got to her feet.
"Yeah," Ilpalazzo said as he helped to steady her. "Now, is it okay?"
"Yes. I live to serve you, Lord Ilpalazzo."
"Wonderful!" Ilpalazzo exclaimed, drooling at the thought of...
"Hey!" Excel exclaimed, whacking him on the back of the head. Interrupting his treasured reverie. "What about me!? What about everything we have shared?! All the good times..."
"What good times?"
"All the tragedy..."
"What tragedy?"
"Lord Ilpalazzo, you can't forsake us, our love, our eternal love, I won't allow it!" Excel howled in anguish., as tears gushed from her eyes like a waterfall.
"What us?' There is no us.' There never has been, and there never will be an us.'"
"You can't mean that!!"
Ignoring Excel, Ilpalazzo, grabbed Hyatt by the elbow and started dragging her towards his bedroom, "C'mon, Hyatt, we'll need to rehearse for the assignment."
"As you wish, si... .:::gaack:::"
"Jeez, not again! We really have to find a way to fix that problem. Menchi, the smelling salt, please!"
"Sorry, Menchi's a little busy right now."
"What? Excel, what are you doing?!"
"Having, a Menchi burger in about 30 minutes or so. Hopefully, a little sooner. My stomach's growling up one heck of a storm!" Excel exclaimed, butcher knife in hand, as she looked intently at the hot plate sitting in front of her. A tied up, frantic Menchi right beside it.
Menchi stared plaintively at Ilpalazzo, little murmurs coming out of the adorable pup's terrified lips.
"Excel, we've talked about this. You can't eat your co-worker."
"But, I'm hungry. I need sustenance. And I need it now. You rejected me, so now I'm depressed. And when I'm depressed, I get hungry. Very, very hungry. So hungry that I could eat a horse. And since a horse isn't available, at this point and time, anyway, little ole Menchi will just have to suffice."
"But, Excel..."
"No, buts... Who is more important to ACROSS? Me or Menchi?"
Ilpalazzo pondered the question for a moment. A no-brainer really. He sighed, and thwacked her over the head with an anvil, and untied the puppy. "Okay, Menchi, you'll be taking Excel's place from herein out."
Joyous barking filled the room. Barely audible was Excel's, "You've gotta be kidding ?!?! Which was quickly followed by mournful howling. Which was then followed by another anvil thwack. Which was again quickly followed by joyous barking. And on, and on, the cycle repeated.
"Dear God, you just won't die, will you?!" Ilpalazzo exclaimed in dismay.
"Well, I am the star of the show, after all!" Excel smirked.
"Uh Uh!"
"Uh huh!"
"You're deluding yourself!"
"Um, bunky, the show **is** named after me, in case you didn't notice," Excel responded icily, as she stared daggers at the man..
"'Bunky?' What happened to Lord Ilpalazzo' or sir'. I sort of liked that one as well. Not as nice as Lord', but still..."
"You should have thought of that before you thwacked me over the head with an anvil a dozen times. I mean, Im a forgiving girl, and all. But, it gets to a point where enough is enough. One has to draw a line somewhere."
"Did I miss anything?" Hyatt asked as she unsteadily sat up and looked at the arguing pair.
"Not much," Ilpalazzo and Excel responded, practically in unison. Menchi wailed dejectedly in agreement.
Disclaimer: Excel Saga was created by Koshi Rikdo. This little fic was meant as pure, harmless fun. And as such, no profit is being made from it.