Chapter 1- Oh, You're In My Veins

Fitz touched the keypad and removed the virtual wall, the only physical barrier that separated him from his boyfriend, no, his ex-boyfriend. That ship had sank when Ward tried to drown him and Jemma without as much as a second thought. The ship had started to sink when Skye revealed that Ward was working for Hydra. That was unforgivable, yet Fitz felt a sizable hole in his heart that was slowly expanding, the space Ward had filled now replaced by a thick, dark pain.

Ward still wasn't allowed to leave his cell in the basement, but communication to collect intel was advised.

As soon as the screen washed away, Ward looked up, probably expecting Coulson to come calling with questions about Hydra. As he was imprisoned, Ward had vowed that he would never lie to any of them again, feeling ashamed about his betrayal. This was the first time Fitz was actually speaking to him since the attempted drowning. His brain was on the mend, his mental faculties had returned but it was a struggle that went on every day. Jemma had left, Ward had betrayed him and Fitz had never felt so alone.

"Fitz," whispered the pained voice of Grant Ward, looking as dishevelled as one could expect without the capacity to shave. "You came."

Fitz folded his arms. He was not going to buckle under the weight of his love for Ward. This was about loyalty and he was loyal to the team. He had also been loyal to Grant, but that didn't matter now. It was hard, not to remove the obstructing barrier and run straight into Ward's arms like nothing had ever happened, but Fitz was standing firm. For who knew how long.

"I figured you owed me some answers," Fitz shrugged coldly.

Ward swallowed. "I owe you so much more than that, Leo."

Fitz shivered as the weight of his name hit him like steel. They only used each other's forenames in times of intimacy. Fitz scowled at the fact that Ward was trying to use it to crawl back in Fitz's good graces. Well, that was not about to happen anytime soon. "Don't, don't call me that."

Ward nodded slowly, once, eyes fluttering closed. "You know I promised not to lie anymore. Everything I say to any of you from now on is going to be the truth. Especially you, Fitz. The rest of the team, they're special, but you're more than that. You're everything and I hate myself for what I did to you."

Fitz snorted. "Which? The betrayal or the attempted murder?"

"Both," Ward whispered in defeat. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to mend his relationship with Fitz for a sizable amount of time, if ever. "Will you let me explain things to you? I'm not asking for your forgiveness because I know I'll have to earn that, but I'd really appreciate it if you let me explain everything."

Fitz sat down on the chair, fighting the urge not to touch Ward like he had done so many times before. "That's why I'm here. I'm not here as your…um…fuck, I can't think of the word. Your…nope, it's gone. Basically, I'm here as a team member and nothing else. Coulson and May would've beat the shit out of you, Jemma isn't here anymore and Skye doesn't want any of us to give you the time of day, so I had to do it."

"You shouldn't have to," Ward replied firmly.

Fitz banged his hand on the table forcefully. "You're damn right I shouldn't have to! I shouldn't have to be having this conversation with one of the few people I trusted implicitly!" Fitz felt hot tears spring to his eyes and he just let them fall. There was no point in denying them their release. He already felt like shit.

Ward sighed, not missing the past tense in Fitz's words. His eyes were shining in the limited light and he swallowed heavily. "I'm so sorry, Fitz. I know that doesn't mean anything to you at the moment, but I'm sorry."

Fitz looked up, his face wet and his eyes glossy. "Why did you have to make me fall in love with you? It would have been so much easier if you'd rejected me when I kissed you. If you'd have said "I don't feel that way about you, Fitz" and left it at that. Why couldn't you just…?" Fitz couldn't finish the sentence when everything hurt so damn much. He took a moment to focus on his breathing before standing. "I can't do this. I'll see if Tripp wants a turn."

"Fitz, wait!" Ward begged, sitting back on his bed. "Please," he added in a strangled gasp.

Fitz, still not able to deny Ward of anything when he sounded so desperate, turned around and walked up to the barrier. He reached out to touch it, feeling the solid sheet of air in front of him and realised that air was the only thing keeping him from reaching Ward. Whether he truly wanted to or not he wasn't sure, but for now he was going to keep his distance behind the barrier.

"It's funny. Part of me hopes that your explanation makes everything okay again and that you had a completely good reason for everything you did to us, to me. Another part of me doesn't want to listen to your stories and wants to let May come down here and do what she wants to you."

Ward winced at the very thought of that. "Which part are you listening to?"

Fitz blinked rigidly before resuming his seat. "Can I ask some questions?" Belatedly, Fitz wondered why he was being so polite and kind to the man who had ruined his life.

Ward was surprised by the decency, too. Then again, that was Fitz. He was rarely an aggressor, leaving that to the warriors among them. He smiled quickly at the remnants of the Fitz he fell in love with. That man was there, but behind layers and layers of self-protection and defensive measures. Fitz was incomparably intelligent and he knew how to protect his mind. Ward felt a twinge of guilt shoot through him at the damage that he had personally done to Fitz's brilliant mind. "You can ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth."

Fitz readied himself. "Was I an assignment?" That was the main question that had been running through Fitz's mind since he found out about Ward.

Ward blinked in surprise. "What? Leo, of course not!"

"Stop calling me that," Fitz snapped. "You gave up that right when you left me to die. Are you telling me the absolute truth? You weren't using me?"

"Think about it. I had access to any intel of SHIELD's that I wanted, I wouldn't have needed you for that. I needed you for a much different reason."

If Fitz responded, Ward didn't notice.

"Did you try to back out once we started dating?"

Ward felt the guilt sweep through him yet again. It would have been so much easier to lie Fitz, tell him that he was controlled or made to do it or tell him that he tried to untangle himself from Hydra's web once he fell in love. He could possibly have Fitz back.

Ward made a choice.

"No. I didn't."

Fitz nodded, like he already knew the answer. "Would you, if you had to do it all again?"

Ward bit his lip. Would he? That was hard to say. "I'm not sure. Maybe."

Clearly that was not the answer Fitz wanted to hear, but the one he expected.

"Did you protest when you were ordered…to kill me? And Jemma."

Ward nodded easily, because he had. He hadn't understood why he was being asked to kill them both. "Yes, of course I did."

"You say that like it's obvious. When really I don't know anything about you do I, Grant?" The word sounded like a sharp invective to Ward when it fell from Fitz's tongue.

"I suppose not."

"Has anything you've ever said been the truth?"

Ward tilted his head. "A lot more than you're presuming, Fitz. When I told you things, personal things about my life, I wasn't making them up."

"The well?"

"It happened. It's a big part of why I followed Garrett so closely. I know you don't want to hear anything that makes me sound like a decent guy, but I wasn't always like this."

"I know," Fitz whispered. "Do you regret it?"

Ward nodded. "Yes. And no. What I regret more than anything is being put in a position where you were in danger. Watching that capsule get further away from me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

Fitz remembered the look on Ward's face, but he also remembered the blind panic that whipped him like a white hot cord once the capsule started to move. He clenched his fists, ignoring the tremor and scowled. "Harder than pressing the button that activated it?"

"Honestly, it didn't really sink in until a second after I'd pressed it. That it was probably the last time I was going to see you. Seeing you today…it…Fitz, it feels so good. You kept yourself alive."

"I shouldn't be."

"What do you mean?"

Fitz blinked stoically. "I made the contraption for Jemma to survive once the water came through the window. My arm was broken, everything had been ripped away from me. I was ready to die."

Ward did not take this revelation lightly. He pressed himself up against the barrier, eyes filled with hopeful longing. "Fitz."

"You don't get to react to that! You were the reason. Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Ward frowned. "Love? Not loved?"

Fitz fidgeted. That was the question he was having the most trouble answering. Not because the words weren't there, because the answer wasn't. He hated Ward but, simultaneously, he was still madly in love with him. The latter's actions hadn't affected that, they had only damaged Fitz's opinion of him. "I'm still figuring that out. I'm wondering how I can love someone who tried to kill me and destroyed everything, but I'm also wondering how…I can hate someone who I'm in love with."

"There's a fine line, Fitz," Ward reminded him unhelpfully.

Fitz pursed his lips. "If the roles were reversed, would you love me or hate me?"

Ward smiled sadly. "If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have even come down here. It just shows how much of a better man you are, Fitz. I'll always love that about you."

Fitz stood up and turned his back on Ward. "I think I've had enough."

"Will you come back?" Ward asked, knowing that Fitz didn't owe him anything, but hoped that this wasn't the end for them. Foolishly, he hoped.

Fitz, still facing away, nodded. "Yeah, I think I will."

Fitz didn't see the smile on Ward's face, but he didn't think that he wanted to, either. That would just hurt more.

And Fitz had had enough hurt for one week.