My Regrets Led to You

It was a cold October day in New Haven. Quinn Fabray was heading back from her Chinese history lecture. She wasn't used to the colorful autumn she was experiencing in New Haven. Yes, the leaves changed in Lima, but they were never as vibrant as the leaves here. Here the reds were deep and beautiful and the golds were so much brighter. As a child she had hated autumn because it was all brown and dead, but here she loved it.

As she entered her dorm room her roommate looked up at her and tried to hide the bag of cheese puff she was consuming. Cheese puffs that Quinn had happen to have bought yesterday.

"I was emptying our mail box. It was mostly junk mail from the university, but a legit letter came in the mail for you," she said.

Quinn looked at her quizzically, "Who is it from?"

Her roommate shrugged, "Satan then something ethnic."

Quinn rolled her eyes. Of course her snooty roommate would only remember that. Being from extremely wealthy parents tended to make people less tolerant, not always, but from what she had seen in college it seemed to be very much true.

"So," she stared, "Where is this letter?"

"The desk," her roommate responded before shoving a cheese puff in her mouth.

She walked to her desk and there in the messy script she was so familiar with from the bathroom stalls of McKinley was Santana's letter. The ink was smudged slightly from the Latina's left hand going over it as she wrote. The stationary was fancy, probably stolen from her father's desk. The only thing that didn't fit was the giant cat stamp on the right corner. Those must have been bought by Brittany or with Brittany in her company.

Wondering what the girl could possibly have written her for, she tore the envelope open and pages of writing fell out. It was not as messy as the writing on the outside had been. This letter was obviously practiced and very carefully written. The letters were clear and well defined and the lines straight and neat. It almost looked typed. The only parts that gave away the cursive from type were the tiny little smudges that only occasionally graced the pages.

Quinn walked to her bed carrying the pages. She spread them out upon the bed, sat down and started to read the long letter.

Quinn,

The trouble with my life is that I have no idea to move on from what I always knew. It was all I ever wanted and everything thing I thought I needed, but she left me. I might have ended it, but she was done with the relationship long before that day came and I was just letting her go free. Yet, maybe I did want this in the end because it made me realize a lot.

I made up a girl that never existed in order to give her and easy out and she took it. Had she loved me that would have mattered at all? We would have worked it out. Now I am here, standing on this porch. This porch which belongs to the only other person I have felt anything for. Yet, this isn't her porch anymore. She left this Midwest world behind for the east coast and academia. A place I can never go.

All my life I have been told what I can and can't do. I use to listen always, about my sexuality, what I should eat, what I should wear. It's why I made a lot of stupid decisions as a kid. I didn't know any better. I made decisions I can't go back on now no matter how much I regret them. I know now I can only move forward and try to be the person I was supposed to be then but was too scared to be. So I have a lot of confession I must make in this letter and I hope they will reveal what I always wanted to say but never had the guts to say to your face.

You might not remember this, but we went to the same elementary school back when you were still Lucy. I know you hate to remember those days, but I thought you were beautiful the moment I saw you. Your hair was a dark brown that reminded me of the elegant mahogany in my abuelo's study. I decided at that moment that I would love you forever and I did. I just couldn't be near you, so I ignored you.

Then my family moved houses to a nicer neighborhood and I switched school districts and I didn't see you anymore till one day I was walking down the halls of McKinley and this beauty passed me. I didn't realize it was you until later on. Your eyes gave away your identity. I know after elementary school you had those thick black frames which obscured your beautiful green eyes, but I knew you before that and I used to stare into those eyes. You never noticed, I guess you weren't used to being noticed without being ridiculed.

You probably think I am being full of shit. That no one could have loved you then, but you are oh so wrong. You were kind and caring, something you forgot for a while when you became Quinn. Your soul was and is one of the purest things I ever seen. You've been lost and you've made mistakes, but you came back from them, unlike me who sunk further into them.

All I am trying to say is that, even when I was calling you preggers or trying to steal Puck away from you, I have loved you since the moment I met you. I've loved only one other person, but I don't anymore and I think maybe I haven't for a long time. All I know is that it has been ten years and you still make my heart go crazy when you walk into a room. I think I loved Brittany in order to escape from the love I felt for you. I am not even sure now if I truly loved her because I don't know if I would have stayed with her if I had been given a chance with you. I thought she was all I could possibly hope to have since she showed interest in me and you never seemed to.

To quote my favorite book, "we accept the love we think we deserve" and you Quinn Fabray deserve a lot more love than you accept and think you deserve and now that I think about it, so do I. So I am now leaving this up to you. I understand if this confession makes it difficult for you and I understand completely if you do not feel the same way. I have just realized that sometimes it is better knowing than always holding a candle for what might be. I accept any decision, and I hope you still want to be my friend even though I was probably the suckiest friend you've ever had. If things do not go the way I hope they do, I will try my hardest to become the friend you deserve.

Yours,

Santana Lopez

"Oh Shit."

Quinn didn't know what to do with the letter. It had been nearly a month since she received it and her head was still a mess. She didn't know what she wanted. She had never really felt anything for any of her boyfriends, so she went out and tried to find a connection with anyone and trying to quell this unknown feeling of doubt inside her. She ended up sleeping with someone she shouldn't, and that seemed to make her world crash around her.

Then thanksgiving came and she couldn't find any reason to avoid the town. She had made a promise and for once in her life she was going to keep one. The problem was that she couldn't manage to tell Santana the truth that she was confused about it and instead she bragged about her conquest with her married professor. That slap she received was well deserved, but she couldn't help slapping back.

Then the month turned into months. She skillfully avoided the girl during Christmas and managed to keep all contact with her former life to a minimum, but then Kurt called and despite all the professed hatred she had for Rachel Berry, she had to stop her from making this mistake. She knew what regret did to a person and she didn't want Rachel to suffer her fate. She ends up in New York sitting quietly with the very person she has been trying to avoid. Through a lot of luck and some quite conversations, she and Santana managed to forge a shaky agreement to not talk about the letter until they are both ready. Quinn leaves New York with her head a little more sorted out.

Then only a month later is Mr. Shue's wedding. By then her professor has turned into a giant ass, threatening to spread rumors if she won't sleep with him again. She ends up having to report him, but due to his tenured position and high status in the academic world he gets a slap on the hand while she is labeled a trouble maker by the higher ups. Fueled by regret for her past actions and the confusion she makes a decision at that wedding that changes everything.

She lays back into the bed next to the warm body sharing it. Santana is staring deep into her eyes.

"So, what does this mean?" the Latina asks.

Quinn bites her lip, "This means that I have some feelings for you, but I don't know what this really means. I mean, I'm straight, or at least I thought I was. Then your letter came and I have been confused ever since."

Santana reaches out to Quinn and pulls her in closer to her body, "Hey, I understand. Just know that I will wait for you to figure this out. I've waited ten years. I can wait a little longer."

Quinn smiled into her neck, "Thank you."

Santana kisses her with a passion Quinn had never felt before. The kiss doesn't end but leads to their two time thing become a three time thing with the possibility of more.

Later, as the gathered their stuff to leave the hotel room which had been their sanctuary where they could speak their hearts, Santana turns to her, "I'll wait forever for you, but please don't make me wait too long to know your answer."

"I won't," she says giving the girl one final kiss.

It's only been a few months since Valentine's Day, but Quinn's life has changed forever. Finn died. The dopey, loving boy made one mistake and was then lost to the world. She had tried to come back, but with midterms and Finn not being an immediate relative it was impossible for her to go and not fail all of her classes. By the time she got the call from Sam that Glee Club was dead she was done with finals.

During this time the only thing on her mind had been Santana and how her life would have been had she died in that car accident. She started to realize she hated the idea of never knowing the love she had been given. She wanted this, she needs this. She only had to accept her truth to get it.

It was a hard moment walking back into that school and seeing the gang knowing that one person would never be there again. Everything had changed, and yet everything had stayed the same. The nostalgia and regret of missing the funeral was probably why she went to the plaque in the choir room and stared and tried to remember the last conversation she had with Finn. She realized there was so much she meant to say to him that she never got the chance to. It was just another regret she was going to have to live with.

"The dude was a bit of an idiot, but he had a good heart for the most part," the seductive voice said behind her.

Quinn turned backwards towards Santana, "Yeah, but he had the courage to go after the girl he loved."

"Yeah, I've got to hand him that one. Well, except for the fact that it took him forever to decide between you and Berry," she chuckled.

Quinn moved closer to her, "I understand better now what he might have been going through."

Santana's eyes went wide and Quinn wrapped her arms around her neck. She pulled in close and places their foreheads together. There would be no more regrets about what should have been said.

Quinn quietly spoke, "I figured out what I want. It took a lot of missteps since that letter, which I hope you can forgive me for. I love you, Santana. I don't know how, but before you wrote that letter I couldn't even fathom the idea of being with you and slowly over time it started to make sense. We both are too fabulous to be with anyone else."

Santana brought their lips together. The kiss seemed to last forever and yet not last long enough for Quinn. This moment was their promise. It was their promise that there was no one else in this world they could possibly love more than each other.

Years down the line the letter sent would be framed in a large frame in the hallway of their home just outside of New York. Their kids never had to ask the story of how they met and fell in love because it was everywhere in their house. Their journey was marked on the very walls of the house. Tickets from their first movie/dinner date, the rose petals from the rose Santana gave Quinn on their first date, it was all there. These walls were there to remind them that all of the regrets they may have eventually led to fantastic life together and that was something they would never regret.

The End