Disclamer : OUAT characters, human, inhuman, inbetween, live, dead or resurrected, royals, commoners, dwarfs, fairies, buildings, scenery and the "Welcome to Storybrook" sign all belong to their respective owners with sincere respect. No profit made, no lawsuit necessary ( please have mercy...)
Authors note 1: this is a crack/comedy/humour fic, written in pure fun. It does not intend to mock, deride or in anyway offend those who read/write G!P fics. Personally I find them and as valid as any other work of fiction on their "own genre\style".
Authors note 2: Please note that I do not follow the show in a long time (think Neverland) so my apologies if there is lack of character. This will be off canon and won't follow the storyline of the show. Also I only recently ,while trying to research a little to get a feel of things, found out that Emma and Hook married so you dear author is still deeply traumatized.
Once upon a magic what?!
No one knew for sure who started the rumor, but word spread like wild fire around town and soon all everyone could talk about were the strange stories online about some citizens of Storybrook.
It was whispered about in the library, discussed in the diner, and debated in the park! No one admitted openly to read them, but everyone knew quite a few and most even had strong opinions. The hush-hush continued until it eventually was brought to the attention of Snow White who immediately sounded the porn alert!
She had come by the existence of these strange and indecent tales when she caught her husband reading one online. "Hello honey", Charming had jumped in front of the computer trying clumsily to obstruct her view of the screen. She was caught off guard by the unexpected reaction they didn't keep secrets from each other... "Charming what are you doing" she said trying to look past him "nothing Snow just hmm checking my mail" his face was all red and he frantically tried to stop her from look. Snow pouted "since when do you keep your emails from me?", "Snow trust me you don't want to know.." she look at him with all the sincerity and purity of heart she could master, with deep beady eyes that would make Bambi proud..."yes I do! C'mon David I can't be that bad.." He just sighed.. he could never resist her, and besides all this hiding and secrecy were making him feel awful for keeping things from his wife.
He would just have to man up and come clean.. He took a deep calming breath and said " okay.. well.. earlier today I was coming from the station and a couple of lost boys asked me something about Emma.." Snow frowned.. none of the lost boys she could think of were of age to address her husband about the white kingdom's princess, and also said princess was still stubbornly engaged..but never mind "what did they want to know about Emma?" Snow asked, "well... they wanted to know if.. er hummm... they wanted to know if her sword was bigger than mine" he concluded blushing. Snow did not understand "what? Charming you gave Emma her sword" Charming blushed deeper "Snow not that sword" he said quietly looking down.. "wait! You mean... Lord Charmington?!" She said looking at Charming's crotch..he could only nod. And to say Snow White grew pale was an understatement "that is impossible!" Charming looked up " Thanks honey" Snow shook her head "No i mean.. Emma is a girl! She doesn't. .. she can't.. where did they get that idea from?!" Charming sighed.. "thats what I thought and I did some research and there have been these strange stories circulating about our little princess...Snow just stormed past him and scrolled down the computer "chapter 1, the Evil Queen approached Emma 'my my Saviour, is this a dagger in your trousers or are just happy to see me?' she took her hand and grabbed the hard...WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH MY BABY?!" she stormed out with Charming running after her.
Regina was having a nice day. She had gotten up in a good mood she and Emma had had a great morning, henry was upstairs working on a school project, and they were planning to go for a late lunch at Granny's. She had just sat down with a cup of coffee and the news while Emma was upstairs when rough knocking and loud shrieking interrupted her - she was having such a fine day.. she could recognize that high pitch shriek anywhere.
As soon as she opened the door in stormed the two i..in-laws... Charming clearly out of breath. Before she could say anything Snow pointed an accusatory finger at her "YOU! You evil witch you gave... my ..my daughter has a dick!" Well this was certainly new.. Regina thought she had miss heard at first "I beg your pardon?" Mean while Charming could only pant in a poor, but well meaning, attempt at clarification "Emma.. sword... big.. sword" like a telegram from Tarzan.. Regina looked amused and turned to Snow "My dear, I sometimes say that you daughter IS a dick, not HAS a dick! And that is entirely your fault on your poor genetic choices for your progeny" Snow could only protest "but, but" however before she could say anything further Regina in all her evil regal glory added "oh dear you can be quite sure.. I personally checked".
As soon as the words sunk in Snow was ready to kill, but suddenly Emma showed up drinking her own cup of coffee that she had just gotten from the kitchen "what is all the commotion about" to which Regina replied sweetly and matter-of-factly "Your mother is under the impression that I gave you a penis." Emma spluttered her Coffee hitting Charming right in his face "sorry dad.. but what the hell?!" Charming still out of breath and dripping wet with freshly brewed coffee (Regina had a permanent ban on instant inside the house) still, he wanted to reassure is little girl the best he could "Honey its nothing to be ashamed of! We can make an appointment at the doctors if you want to - unless you are fine with it as it is - I know i wouldn't part with mine for anything..." he spoke almost reverently of his beloved appendage. Regina had to admit that idiotic as it might be, it sure was endearing to know that he supported his daughter no matter how improbable or impossible the predicament.. .
Emma just just stared as if she was about to cry - she had gone for so long believing she had been abandoned by her family, that her father's stubborn show of support was amazing. "Thanks dad.." she shook her head "but i am really ALL girl.. below and above the waist", "like I told them, I checked" both Emma and Snow shouted "Regina!" And got an innocent "what? I thought they would be pleased to know that their suspicions were unfounded". Emma couldn't imagine what had gotten to her parents until it hit her like a ton of bricks "wait is that because of those stories?"
Both Snow and Charming were dumbstruck.. "You mean you know about them?" Both Emma and Regina shrugged "of course everyone in town knows about them..." Emma answered " its just fiction! Made up tales written for... Entertainment" Regina added.
Snow could not believe it "you mean you are both fine with it?!" Emma nodded "sure! Its just stories.. besides its not like we are the only ones being written about! And its kinda flattering that they always make me so well endowed" she laughed, Snow looked like she was going to faint and Regina just gave Emma a hungry look that said 'later' Emma could hardly concentrate... but she knew she needed to at least try to calm down her mother " look there are stories about almost everyone in town! Although that particular kind seems to be more popular about me and Ruby.. but there are even some with Regina!" To which the former queen huffed and muttered "as if i could pull that off unnoticed in my skirts!" Emma snorted "and that is the only thing that bothers her.. the idea of ruining and outfit because of a hypothetical dick.."
Snow didn't know if she should feel relieved or more appalled with the information...So this indecent web of lewd lies was an epidemic! It must be stopped! "We will not stand idly by! Meet us at the dinner at 3 o'clock we will summon everyone for an emergency meeting!" and they rushed out with Regina shouting "its just fiction! !"
There was a full crowd at Grannies, the fairy/nuns piously sitting near the Royals, Archie,Belle, Gepetto, the dwarves (some with suspisciouly anxious faces)... it seemed everyone had come to the supposed meeting like the good loyal subjects they were. Ruby leaned against the counter trying to show support for her best friend, and behind the counter stood an utterly bored Granny. Regina and Ema were among the last to arrive staying close to the door in case opportunity to escape should arise.
Snow took a deep breath " we all know why we're here. There has been an onslaught of malicious rumors!" The nuns nodded their accent, some people in the crowd muttered quietly, Emma rolled her eyes and Regina just huffed in annoyance.. all this for fiction.
The lecture carried on "peoples lives are being gossiped about! Turned into twisted pornographic tales! It must be stopped and the writers must be brought to justice!".
Archie stood up from his seat "Snow, just to clarify, it all must stop entirely or just the more erm.. racy stories?" Seeing Snows confusion he added "because from an psychological and anthropological point of view, they are... at least some are interesting. They may even represent suppressed fantasies or ideation" ever since finding out his degree had come with the curse, he took every online and correspondence psychology course he could find.
Charming chimed in "but who is to say which should stay and which should not?" , although personally for him, any that might contain his precious little girl, no matter doing what.. should burn in hell. Yet it had to be fair to everyone. Grumpy stood up " Snow, ya know I'll follow you to hell and back, but in this case... what's the harm? I mean if people don't like it they don't have to read it, and everybody knows its just like gossip! None of it is true" and for the first time in her life Regina had to agree with a dwarf.
Snow tried to give it some though "but its porn! Even those that are not might become porn in future chapters! The ratings can be upped!" Nova suggested "what if we just...", squirming under the gaze of Blue, "just ban the sexy ones?"
Ema though that Blue might turn red. The older Mother Superior cleared her throat " Clearly I do not know any of these writings, not would I favorite, follow or subscribe to any such materials." people just stared at her but she continued, "these writings, although hypothetically saving lots of money on our headquarters heating bills... are not writings that we may endorse. However, the bst and simplest course of action might be to simply terminate anything above PG."
That got a reaction from the lost boys "what?! No fair! What about 'Milf Mills' and 'Red hot riding hood'?!" To which Ruby just 'awwed at her pre pubecent fans and Regina was ready to start shooting fireballs as soon as Emma whispered to her what 'milf' meant, but was calmed to her senses by her wife.
The wolf and herself had apparently a few fictional admirers. Snow was almost livid "you kids don't understand! there are insidious lies here! Profound perversion! Complete debauchery, unholy claims on people's anatomy!" Everyone looked at Emma and she shrugged "hey its not just about me! Rubes is quite popular on that department too" Ruby laughed winking at Emma "both in my human and wolf form no less" giving an extra sway her hips just for effect, and maybe for Belle's benefit, who looked like she might swoon.
Snow was desperate "but none of it is true!" "I may speak for myself, not the wolf!" Ruby joked which earned her a slap on the head from Grannie and a hard look from Snow. Emma though it was hilarious "well not that it anyone's business, but not true in my case either" to which Regina added "I personally..." " ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" Snow quickly interjected. Hook was next to speak "Aye.. I wonder if there are any the other way around... like if there are women with 'long johns' are there any with guys have.. y'know?" Charming looked curiously at Hook it had never occurred to him.. "you mean like guys getting to, ah, carry babies and things like that" Hook nodded "I heard that there were such tales in the depths of the web, but I don't know if there are any about folks here. just out of curiosity of course" before the conversation could get any further someone from the crowd said "I heard there are ones that are really kinky" this time all eyes fell on Regina "Oh right because the Evil Queen is always the sadistic dominatrix!", turning her head to the counter when she heard a laugh " would bet the idea has once warmed many lonely and cold nights back in the Enchanted Forest" Granny quipped, only the elder Lucas could get away with saying something like that to Regina, who simples gave a wicked smile that made many, of both sexes, shift uncomfortably on their seats "but she is MY sadist dominatrix! Don't get any ideas" to which for the first time ever a chorus of "EMMA!" erupted from Charming, Snow and Regina.
"Well then, now that it all out in the open..." Granny said suddenly pulling her crossbow "either buy something or get the heck out of my diner!" Which efficiently got everybody scrambling out of her diner. Finnally in peace she pulled her laptop from behind the counter and continued writing her review: I mean kid you got talent! But proper grammar goes a long way to...
Emma and Regina arrived home to find their son playing videogames "hi moms how did it go?" his grandparents had said that this time it was only for adults. "hello dear, it was fine, just a complete wast of time, but fine." Emma couldn't help but smile at her wife's frustration "Hey kiddo, yeah your mom is right it was a bit much.." Regina sighed exasperated "all this for fiction!" Henry laughed "was it about those stories online?" Regina's ears as an experienced mother perked up, but she gave nothing away, "oh? Are you familiar with them?" Henry shrugged "not really but, everyone knows about them"
Emma who had just ordered a pizza and had got herself a beer and a cider for Regina sat down on the couch beside him adding "anyway they will probably just try to erase the ones above PG" Henry's heart sank and he blurted "what?! what about Red Hot Riding Hood?!" making Emma spill her beer and turn to him while Regina had taken advantage of the whole situation to circle quietly around the couch effectively blocking any possible attempts at escape for her son "Henry Mills... what about Red. Hot. Riding. Hood?" she said carefully accentuating each word making her son sink on his seat and his other mother arousal skyrocket but trying to focus on troubleshooting the kid first "kid do you wanna elaborate? Is there any operation I don't know about?" She couldn't help but tease him just a little. Henry was blushing so hard he would put the proverbial riding hood to shame "I can explain.. really erm" to which Regina coolly replied " then please dear, elaborate."
The kid gulped but braved on "ah er.. you see i stumbled upon a few stories that are, you know, interesting. But I never read those 'bout you and ma, that would be gross...I know there are some that give ma or you eh..'boy parts' cause Hansel asked me once if it was true."
Emma was deeply embarrassed and Regina was internally fuming but she wanted their son to come clean so she let him continue "at first I just read some nice ones about you guys falling in love because, at the time, you were always fighting and I wanted us to be together for real, like a family so I started will the ones tagged 'fluff'," that almost brought tears to both their mothers eyes "then you guys got together for real, and so I moved on, but still read a few, some also had Ruby which I thought it was cool 'cause I like Ruby but also kind of weird, I mean, I already got two mom's and a dad so I think its enough parents, even if dad is dead" Emma and Regina burst in laughter at his logic thus putting him at ease to disclose further "then one thing led to another and I well uh.. found other cool stories."
Later Henry had gone to sleep and Emma and Regina were getting ready for bed themselves "see Gina our kid is growing up so fast" the older woman snuggled close "don't remind me.. my little prince... Makes me almost want to get that werewolf on a leash", making her wife chuckle " I bet there might be quite a few stories out there where you do" Emma said teasingly earning herself a halfhearted slap "oh you know that's not what I meant".
Emma sighed "I don't know how l am going to get my mother to drop this" her eyes pleading for her wife to be patient. Regina's eyes suddenly lit up "well dear, then I might just get some fun while she insists on this madness" Emma kissed her wife " fair enough, but try not to do any permanent damage.."
Authors note: There is still one little chapter to go if the muse sticks with me... Reviews most welcome.
ps- please someone tell me that CaptainSwan is not a permanent reality... That she has divorced, widowed, got an annulment anything... Swanqueen forever!