Title: Lying on the carpet with you
By GuroStar
Rating: Teens and up
Summary: Emotions and feeling wasn't really Edward's thing.
Pairings: RoyEd I guess?
Warnings: BPD, Mental illness, harm/violence ment, suicide ments.
A/N: This was written late at night and was the only way I could cope with how I was feeling. Everything Edward speaks of here is how I felt. I've been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for a really long time now and things are a mess. I don't feel anything or I feel everything. I wasn't going to post this but my friends said I should so here it is.
Silence protruded the area. The rooms' occupants lay beside one another, seemingly fascinated with the ceiling. The elder of the pair heaved a deep breath and stretched his hands above his head. Edward turned his head and watched as Roy extended his limbs, back and elbows cracking. There was an uncomfortable twist in Edwards's gut that he couldn't stretch out. It was bubbling up and seemed to be content on destroying him from the inside out.
Roy never turned to look at Edward, instead closing his eyes and apparently oblivious to the emotional and psychical discomfort his companion was experiencing. Slowly, Edward turned to stare at the roof once more and let something similar to sadness cross his face.
"I'm so confused,"
"Hm?" Roy tilted his face towards Ed as his eyes snapped open.
"These feelings are eating me up but at the same time I feel nothing,"
Edward felt the lump in his throat hardened as he struggled to swallow. Talking about his feelings wasn't something he was comfortable with but he needed to get it out. Roy had known something was wrong the second he walked in; hence their positions on the floor of his lounge room.
"I don't care about anything and I am so... Bored? I'm bored of life? But I also care a lot and just want to cry and scream and break some things," Edward paused and worked on not bursting into tears, "why am I like this? I honestly want to die... I feel nothing inside and it hurts so much."
Roy was staring ahead as Edward rolled onto his side to look at Roy as he spoke, "I'm either angry or I feel nothing. Feeling anything similar to happiness is fleeting and it's just so messy I don't think I have the words to explain this,"
"It's okay Edward,"
"But it's not," his voice was a whisper now, "I've done a lot of stupid things. More and more as this keeps going. I want attention but I don't want anyone to look at me. I think about hurting people. These urges are disgusting and I end up vomiting and messing up my body."
Roy turned to face Edward and placed a hand on the younger's cheek. He couldn't fathom what Edward was feeling but he was desperate to help him. To relive some of the pain he was exhibiting and to help him work things out.
"Ed," they were both lying on their sides facing each other now, "it's going to be ages before you figure anything out but things won't be like this forever, don't give up,"
There was a pregnant pause and Roy knew Edward had more to say. But it was hard for Edward. To understand what he was feeling when it was turned into nothing.
"I want to know what's wrong with me," he frowned, "I barely remember anything and I can't do anything. I just want to sleep but I can't sleep. I want to read but can't read. I just want peace but... I can't get it in any way that society will agree with. And I can't do that to Alphonse."
Roy pulled Edward close and felt how the boy psychically relaxed. He feigned calm while his stomach and mind continued to whirl. This was all he could do for now. Edward knew he would be okay but he just wanted to know when. It hurts and no one seems to understand this confusion.