They make me go to Rehab, and I said no no no… Then they asked if I owned Mighty Boosh and I said no again. A/N: Basically, the Mighty Boosh crew are all a bit fucked up and have to go to rehab. Their problems, are as follows: Howard: Paranoia. Schizophrenic Vince: Just plain retarded Naboo: druggie Bollo: Anger problems Old Gregg: Rapist, murderer Saboo: Compulsive liar Hitcher: Murderer Dennis: Anti social behaviour disorder Tony Harrison: drunk Kirk: Has absolutely everything wrong with him, apparently. Eleanor: gender confused Spider: sex addict
(Saboo is dragging a struggling Dennis into rehab)
Dennis: (trying to wriggle away) No, I don't want to go! Can't I just stay at home? I'm happy by myself! I don't wanna goooooooo! Nooo!
Saboo: Come on den man, you jerk off. They've got big pink bunnies and hot girls and everything!
(Saboo drags Dennis, who is almost in tears, to the front desk)
Receptionist: And how may I help you?
Saboo: We're secret agents from the MI5, We've come to check this rehab for prostitutes and boxing kangaroos-
Dennis: Saboo! (looks worried) look at all the people! There's too many people! I can't take this no more! (runs down the corridoor, crying)
Receptionist: Ah, I see you are the crazy people. Please take a seat.
Saboo: I can't sit down you cleft! My backside is made from wood, I can't bend!
(Receptionist glares at Saboo. He hastily sits down)
(Vince and Howard enter, Vince is walking dreamily and Howard's eyes are darting around, he is shaking slightly)
Howard: (approaching receptionist) A-are you the d-doctor? (glances around the room, shaking)
Receptionist: No, the doctor will see you in a minute. Names please?
Howard: W-why do you want to know my name!? are you reporting me to the police? I-I didn't mean to buy that copied DVD, I just-
Receptionist: Sir, please calm down
Howard: Calm down? I'm gonna be in jail for the rest of my life! I can't-
Receptionist: Sir, please take a seat
Howard: Take a seat? How do I know there not gonna sprout chains and lock me up! I bet it's the electric chair (Starts crying, and trembling more) I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
Receptionist: Sir, pull yourself together! (To Vince) Now, what's your name?
(Vince is not listening and absent mindedly playing with a pen, like it is an aeroplane)
Vince: Vrrroooooommm eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek, brummmmmm, Eeek eek! Wooooooosh, wooooo wooosh! Yeah wooo! Oh no!! we're falling!! Eeeeeeek! KABOOM! (sticks pen up his nose.) Hmm?
Receptionist: Oi, David Bowie! Name please?
Vince: Me no have name. me lost it in a car accident. KABOOM! (blows pen out of his nose, and begins eating the pot pourri)
Receptionist: I bet you lost something… idiot. I'll just say you're the retarded futuristic prostitute and the paranoid freak…
Howard: W-what? Your arresting us? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! (cries)
Vince: she's not arresting us, she's giving us food! Me wike sweeties! (offers Howard the bowl of pot pourri)
Howard: What if they've poisoned them? Spit it out Vince! I told you not to accept sweets from strangers!
Vince: Strange chocolate is the best (wipes mouth)
Howard: Come on, let's go home before we're blown up…
Vince: But I want to see the white shirt man with the cold stick! You promised we'd go see him! YOU PWOMISED!! (sticks bottom lip out)
Howard: Fine, ok, let's sit down. Actually, you sit down, and I'll stand you never know where those chairs have been…
(Vince giggles stupidly and sits down. Naboo, Bollo and Kirk enter)
Bollo: I WANT TO SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR!!
Naboo: (sleepily) Whoa, chill, dude. Here, have a whiff of my bong…
Bollo: GO FUCK YOUR MUM!! I WANNA SEE SOMEONE NOW!! (smashes table)
Saboo: You plum! That was my lab for world domination!
(Bollo throws a chair at Saboo)
Naboo: Whoa, little maaaaaan. Chill ya boots. Think of the fluffy pink rabbits hangin' from the ceiling…
Bollo: I'LL KILL THOSE FUCKING RABBITS! FUCKING BASTARDS! TAKING MY CEILING SPACE!!
Naboo: (to receptionist) Yo, lady, wazzup. Me and ma maaan Bollo have come to see a doctor for a filling
Receptionist: What the FUUUUUCK. Please, take a seat, the doctor will see you soon.
Naboo: Totally rad, maaan! (drifts over and sits down, taking out a spliff)
Bollo: I WANT SERVICE NOW!! I HATE REHABS THEY ALWAYS KEEP YOU FUCKING WAITING!! I HATE YOU ALL!! DIE!!
Saboo: I am dead, can't you see?
(Bollo throws another chair at Saboo)
Receptionist: Why have you brought your little brother? (Talking about Kirk)
Naboo: man, this guys a freak!
Saboo: Kirk, is it true that you are a ram raiding, drug dealing, drink driver who often takes home prostitutes?
Kirk: Yes.
All: Foooooooooooooooooooking hell!
(Tony Harrison enters, staggering about)
Saboo: Are you drunk?
Tony: I've had Champaign on my golden graphemes! I am wasted!
Bollo: YOUR ALWAYS DRUNK!! YOU BASTARD!! (squashes Tony with a fruit bowl)
(While Tony is being pummelled to death, Old Gregg and The hitcher enter)
Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! (rapes the hitcher)
The hitcher: (waving a knife around) I'm a cockney nut job! I'll slice you up, boy!
Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! I gotta mangina! (Shows the Hitcher his mangina)
The hitcher: Argghh! Put it away, my boy! (raises his knife and stabs Old Gregg in the knee)
Old Gregg: You make old Gregg horny (rapes the hitcher again)
The hitcher: Eurgh, I don't want you all over my cockney arse!
Old Gregg: I'm old Gregg! (ties the Hitcher to a wall) I know ya like me, stop playing!
The Hitcher: I'm not playing, boy! I'm gonna cut you up and feed you to my grandma!
Vince: Heh, that witch from the wizard of Oz is being raped by the Wizard…
Old Gregg: Do you know who I am? I'm-
Bollo: YES WE HEARD YOU, YOU FREAK OF RAPE NATURE! (Throws Tony at Old Gregg)
Tony: Thissss is an outrage! Hic!
Old Gregg: ooh, pink bladders turn Old Gregg on! (Rapes Tony)
(Eleanor enters, and walks to the receptionist)
Eleanor: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooo. Hello. I have a broken heart. Can your doctor fix it, with his long stethoscope? (flutters eyelashes)
Spider: (running in, chasing Eleanor, and panting) Come to daddy baby! Your one hot piece of transexualness!
Eleanor: (In a deep manly voice) Oh, I'm not your type!
Spider: A sheep can be my type, baby (dry humps Eleanor)
Eleanor: Errrrgk! Get him off meeee!
Spider: Come on, baby! Ooooh, yeah!
(Eleanor get's chased by Spider until he notices Old Gregg. He stops and stares)
Spider: Hey, I shag anything in a skirt. Your in a skirt. Let's fuck!
Old Gregg: I like rape
Spider:…
Old Gregg: Old Gregg says it's not as fun when ya consent to it
Spider: Ok, baby, I see your game. Ooooh. I don't want sex with you then!
(Old Gregg grins and rapes Spider)
Spider: Ooooh, yeah baby c'mon! Feel ma spider web!
Old Gregg: (singing) I'm old Gregg!
Spider: (Also singing) Your in ma spider web!
Old Gregg: (still singing) So open ya legs
Spider: and I'll get you wet!
Old Gregg & Spider: The internet is for PORN
Bollo: SHUT THE FUCK UUUUP! BOLLO HATES SINGING!! (grabs them both and throws them at Saboo)
Saboo: You complete Jerk off! I was busy meditating! (He was eating a sandwich)
(a massive fight breaks out)
Howard: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!111
Dennis: TOO MANY PEOPLE!! (cries and runs away)
Old Gregg: I'm- (for your sanity and mine, Bollo bashes Old Gregg)
Bollo: BOLLO BASH RAPIST! DIE!!
Vince: (dancing with Naboo) Heh heh, me like your turban. Are you a clown?
Bollo: DIE DIE FUCKING DIE!!
(Dr. Bainbridge enters. He is covered in thick gold chains and a Rastafarian hat.)
Dr B: Wai aii man. What's going on here?
Saboo: We're having a quiet drink
Dr. B: No wai man. You is fighting, man. Come, sit down…
(Calmly, they all sit down. Dr. B stands before them in all his Jamaican wanna-be-ness)
Dr. B: Ya see man. This is da reason why people tune in, man! Your antics, like.
(Vince's phone rings. He answers it loudly.)
Vince: Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Am in rehab! (giggles) there's some nice windows here. What is your bidding? Tell her I'll pay her later! (laughs stupidly and hangs up)
Howard: Was that the FBI? Are they coming for me!? OH DEAR GOD NO!!
Bollo: DIE FREAK DIE!!
Howard: Bollo's been taken over by angry aliens! ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!! (Jumps out the window)
Naboo: Thank god he's gone, maaan. (smokes a spliff)
Dr. B: SHUT UP! Do you want help or not!?
Bollo: NO! DIE!!
Spider: If we had help, we wouldn't be so freakily funny!
Hitcher: I'm slice you all up with my cockney knife!
Eleanor: Drop the knife, big boy.
Tony: I am WASTED! WOO LET'S PARTY!
(Dennis is cowering in a corner)
Dennis: No, not a party! Not more people! (cries)
Old Gregg: (regaining consciousness) I'm Old-
All: YES WE KNOW!
Dr. B: Oh maaaaaan. You people are beyond help! I'm chippin'! (disappears into a puff of smoke)
All: FUUUUUUUUUUCKK. Let's do the timewarp again! (They all start dancing. Until Bollo knocks them all out)
Bollo: BOLLO HATES DANCING!! DIE!! (Beats his chest and sprouts wings, flying off)
Camera man: Shiiiiiit, I missed all that! Can you do it again guys? (notices them all knocked out on the floor)
…Guys?
END
Ahhhhh. I hoped you liked it. No flaming please! And I'm really sorry if I offended anyone, don't take it personally (: R&R plz