A/N: Ok ya'll…this is my first foray into both Destiel and Wincest. Be kind. Something about this song just made me have to write this. I love Jason Mraz and I love the Winchester boys so to me it was a natural pairing! Reviews/Comments would be much appreciated! *CyberHugs* to everyone who took the time to read this!
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys or the song but when the plot bunnies insist what's a girl to do?
If It Kills Me
Jason Mraz
(CD: We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things)
Dean and Cas had become close…very close. Sam was pretty sure the relationship had evolved quite a bit from where they had started. It wasn't something they advertised but, when you know someone as well as he knew his brother, it was easy to pick up on the signs. He had begun to notice little things, looks that lingered just a second or two too long, conversations that abruptly ended when he came into the room, the way they seemed to need to inhabit the same space. Cas had always seemed to have a bit of a problem with the concept of personal space but lately it just didn't seem to bother Dean; just the opposite, it seemed as if he was put out if Cas wasn't crowding him.
All the signs pointed to a closeness that couldn't be explained by Castiel's need to protect his brother. This should bother him…and it did… but not for the reasons he thought it should. If Cas and Dean were going to take this relationship to that place… he was ok with it. He was an open minded guy after all. He loved his brother more than anyone else in the world and he would never begrudge him someone that made him happy, even if it was the Holy Avenger.
The problem was that seeing his brother so relaxed and happy because of someone else was killing him. He couldn't believe that he was actually feeling this way. He was supposed to be the one who made Dean happy. It had always been the two of them against the world. At some point the devotion he felt towards his brother had changed…he couldn't say when that happened. He didn't even really realize it until he started noticing the changes in the two of them. But now, he couldn't deny what he was feeling. He was jealous. He wanted to be the only one who mattered to Dean but now Cas was taking that place.
Hello, tell me you know
Yeah you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that, I know that you know now
And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
There was no way he could tell his brother what he was feeling. You just didn't have these feelings for your own brother. It wasn't normal. Normal…there's that word again. What the hell is normal anyway? He wasn't sure he'd recognize normal if it fell into his lap. They had certainly never bothered to worry about being normal before.
He didn't want to ruin what Dean had found with Cas but he couldn't help the way he felt. He began to find excuses for spending time with the two of them; any reason to keep them from being alone. Just the thought of the two of them alone…it was just too much for him to bear. When he managed find time with his brother, just the two of them, he would find excuses to be near Dean, to touch his brother, needing the comfort of that physical contact.
He was finding it harder and harder to keep his feelings inside. Trying to act like a good brother, a normal brother, was making him crazy. He found that he couldn't help letting his mind wander to thoughts that he shouldn't be having, spending more and more time just watching Dean, memorizing the curve of his lips…the way his hair glittered in the sunlight. He prayed that somehow his brother would see his feelings and tell him that it was ok. He dreamed of a time when Dean would wrap his arms around him and look into his eyes the way he could see him look into Cas' eyes. But that was never going to happen. They were lost in each other and couldn't see anything outside of the world they were building together.
Well you and I
Why we go carrying on
For hours on end
We get along
Much better
Then you and your boyfriend
It drove him nuts to watch them together. When they weren't practically sharing the same skin they would bicker. Maybe bicker wasn't a strong enough word for it. They had nothing in common after all. Castiel was an Angel of the Lord and Dean refused to even believe that the Lord existed. Their religious debates were damn near becoming knockdown, drag out fights. If they ever decided to remake the Odd Couple he had the perfect suggestion for the starring roles.
Why couldn't Dean see that he was the one his brother was meant to be with? They knew everything about each other. They had been through hell and back together, literally. They could practically read each other's minds. No one knew Dean the way he did; no one could ever love him the way he did. What they had went beyond friendship, brotherhood or even love. He was never going to have that with Cas.
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
He always thought he could tell his brother anything. Up till now anyway. How do you tell your brother that you love him? That you are in love with him? How do you explain to him that you can't even breathe when he isn't there? Dean had become his whole life, his reason for being, and now someone was taking that away from him.
He would give anything to have Dean know the truth… but he couldn't tell him. It wasn't right. Every day that passed brought with it the agony of seeing the two of them become closer and closer while he was left standing on the sidelines watching. Every day he died a little more inside, torn between his feelings for his brother and his absolute terror at the thought of how Dean would react if he ever found out.
How long can I go on like this
Wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
Well this double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught
I could be risking it all
'cause maybe there's a lot that I'd miss
In case I'm wrong
At some point he was going to go too far. He was going to say or do something that would tip his hand. Dean was going to find out eventually. At times he thought about leaving, going out on his own, letting the two of them find their way together. He wasn't sure he could live without Dean but it was a better option than having his brother figure out how he felt and possibly hating him for it, or worse being disgusted by him. He didn't think he could survive that…
Walking this tight wire was getting too complicated. The lines were starting to blur too much for him to know what was right or wrong. At what point did comfort turn to desire? Did protection turn to possession? Worse yet, he was beginning not to care about right and wrong. All he cared about was being with Dean…having those beautiful green eyes be the first thing he saw each morning and the last thing every night.
All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, if it kills me
Each day that passes brings him closer to letting his secret out. Each day a new opportunity to make his most secret dream come true. Each day he was faced with the reality that the one he loved was in love with someone else. There had to be a way…some way to make him see.
If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold
My heart in your hand
I'd tell ya from the start how I long to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I've gone and missed my chance again
When he thought he couldn't take it any longer he made a plan. He would get Dean alone, somehow, away from Cas. That was getting harder and harder to do. Then…then he would tell his brother exactly how he felt. He knew Dean wouldn't feel the same way he wasn't even hoping for that but he prayed that he would at least understand. He had to tell him before it was too late.
He had to know. He had to take the risk of losing everything for the chance of gaining the only thing that mattered to him. He had to put his feelings on the table. Offer the only thing he had left to give to his brother; his heart. And…the sad part was, no matter what Dean's reaction ended up being, that heart would still belong to him. It would always be his for the taking.
But things never work out the way you plan. Just when he finally thought he had worked up the nerve to make his feelings known Dean dropped the bombshell. His big brother, his love, came to him and told him that he was in love…with Cas. He knew how hard this was for Dean to admit. He could see the fear and uncertainty in his brother's eyes. Damn it, Dean was actually afraid that he would reject him for loving Cas. He sat numbly while Dean asked him for his blessing.
Well, all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, if it kills me
Oh, I think it might kill me…
And all I really wanna do is feel you
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, it might kill me
What else could he do? The only thing that was more important to him than his own happiness was Dean's. Of course he gave his blessing. He would never tell him how his heart had broken that day. He would never let on that, in that one moment, every dream he had ever had had died. He would just be there, like he had always been there, and love his brother in the only way he could. He would stand by his side and take solace in the fact that Dean was safe and happy and loved…by both of them.