Nothing More Than A Fling
By Clarebear
Sequel to "Spirit"
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm simply borrowing them for a story line and will return them promptly when I'm done, unharmed!
Teaser: Courtney and Jan have an unspoken understanding with their not- quite relationship; don't ask don't tell. But when Courtney's life depends on him, can he come through for her?
Elongated eyelashes slowly fluttered open, slender arms stretching upwards above her head, a smile on her face as the sun warmed her skin. Morning was definitely here, and Courtney had most likely overslept. Reaching her arms to her side, in her delirium she expected to feel the comforting sensation of the quietly slumbering Jan sleeping next to her, but her hand fell instead lightly on top of cotton sheets. She groaned a bit, the good mood she was about to wake up in dissolving. Courtney hated waking up alone. For the past eighteen years of her life, alone had been the thing she hated yet clung too all of her life. She had no one but herself and her inner-strength to guide her through all her years of solitude, and it was only recently that someone had been determined enough to see who she really was- and love her whole heatedly because of it. Now she secretly clung mercilessly to Jan as if he was the only anchor holding her anywhere near solid ground, and that wasn't far from the truth. Her parents being out of town, or clubbing, or god doesn't know where nine tenths of the time, it was quite easy for Courtney to have Jan spend the night, and even if her parents were home, it's not like they'd notice, or care. But now she was used to that, accustomed to that security, the feel of his strong broad arms wrapped around her body, and the way he'd kiss her forehead right when she was returning to consciousness. She never had a perfectly peaceful sleep unless she was rocked into it with his gentle thrusts, like the soft incoming tides of an ocean silently bringing her to shore. God, now that she actually thought about all that, it was kind of pathetic. Why should she need someone else to make her life okay? While it was wonderful, it was also pretty damn scary. People were unpredictable, and it's not like she and Jan had any real commitment to one another. High school would be over in a month, and they'd be going off to college, and people always say that college changes everything. But Courtney didn't want things to change. She wanted things the same; comfortable, on a level where she felt she was in control. Control was extremely important to her. Groaning with her usual vocal complaints to herself, Courtney rose and hopped in the shower, proceeding with her normal daily rituals of making herself look beautiful. School, cheer practice, then hopefully some playtime with the boy-toy before bed. Just another day like any other, and things would be the same until school was over, which wasn't that far away now. After that- well, Courtney didn't even want to think about it.
Tossing her spanky pants into her locker, Courtney sighed, flicking her hair back behind her shoulders. She felt oddly irritated today, the disappointment of the morning dragging itself on into her day without explanation. "What's your deal today?" A voice suddenly cut through Courtney's inner-grumble. She looked up blankly at her best friend. "What are you talking about?" She asked, accusation and defense etching in her voice. She liked Whitney, but that girl sometimes just didn't know when to keep her mouth shut. "You were totally blank during practice. I know nationals are long over but that doesn't mean you can just slack." Courtney narrowed her eyes, slender digits curling up to rest upon the curvature of her hips. "Slack? I was doing my best out there-" "No, you were too busy getting fingers up your twat." Courtney's jaw dropped. Did Whitney actually just have the guts to say that to her? This was her best friend! She's not supposed to notice these things, or at least have the dignity to not say anything if she did! Ugh! "Don't piss me off." She responded her voice short and full of warning. Whitney eyed her, but lowered her orbs at Courtney's command. Friend or no, at least she had enough sense to know when Courtney was pissed, it was not confrontation time. Grabbing her shoes, Courtney stalked out of the gym, her stride quick and defining before her shoulders were gently grabbed, stopping her in her path. Her eyes shot with accusation at the person who dared to stop her, but involuntarily softened when they rested upon Jan's face. She frowned, folding her arms stubbornly over her chest. "What?" She asked him, looking away. "Sorry I couldn't make it before practice." He grinned widely, his charm and playful attitude radiating off of him, reeling her in even though all she wanted to do was walk away. She scoffed. "Doesn't matter. It's not like I need you to be there." Jan's grin grew even wider, reminding her of the cunning "Grinch Who Stole Christmas." God, she hated it when he pulled this shit! "I know you don't mean that." He quipped, his hands reaching forward to rest upon her hips, his thumbs grazing across her skin. "Look, I don't have time for this right now." She said with imitated irritation in her voice. He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, taking a step forward. "Not even a few minutes?" Her eyes closed even though she yelled at them to stay open and alert, the annoying spell he always had over her taking president over all else. Her chin tilted upwards, waiting and expecting to feel his breath upon her skin. Laughing a bit under his breath, Jan leaned forward to gently press his lips against her neck, moving soft and slow; the way he knew she liked it. Courtney couldn't help but crack a small smile, mad at him or not, she couldn't help that he always had a knack for relaxing her, making her feel like no one else ever could. Jan slowly kissed up her neck, his hot breath on her ear. "Parents gone tonight?" He whispered playfully. She didn't respond, but a snide grin crept across her face and a snicker escaped. Smiling, he moved his lips back to hers, kissing her gently, softly, the way she now liked it. A moment later the bell rang and countless droning students filled the halls. Regrettably, Jan slowly ended the kiss. God, she hated it when he did that! He knew just how to get her going, but he seemingly always picked the most inopportune times, and could barely ever finish what he started. But she'd make sure he finished it tonight. Courtney wasn't one to be disappointed.
"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel the same! I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in-between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way!" Frowning, Courtney reached forward and shut off her stereo, her shoulders slumping in a listless sigh. She had hoped to at least catch a glimpse of her parents before they left on another trip, but as usual they were long gone by the time she got home from school, leaving her nothing but a hundred dollar bill on the kitchen counter. Maybe a trip to the mall would be good, she could get a trim, maybe a new outfit. New clothes were a definite must; wearing things over and over again always made her feel like she was regressing in life instead of moving forward. Reaching forward, Courtney half-heartedly picked up the phone when it suddenly buzzed in her ear. "Yeah?" she said, not in the mood to be polite enough for a 'hello'. "Hey, it's me." Jan's voice said from the other end of the receiver. Courtney's eyes widened but her lips frowned, a contradictory reaction that was her trademark in life. "What do you want?" She asked quickly, her fingers twirling upwards into her hair. She knew what he wanted, of coarse, but she had to make him say it. "Your parents are gone, right?" Courtney paused. They were of coarse, but did she really want to see him tonight? Looking to her left, her finger grazed lightly over her worn teddy bear, she'd had him since before she could even remember. When she was a child, it was that teddy that would rock her to sleep every night, who was the rag for her tears, who talked to her and said comforting things when no one else would. She turned her attention back to the phone. "Yeah, they're gone. You coming over?" She could almost hear his boyish excitement on the other end. "Yeah, give me ten minutes." She cradled the receiver softly and glanced back at her teddy bear. Material and stuffing was all it was technically, but she knew it was more than that. What was her teddy thinking when her fingers would grip its arm when Jan was rocking inside of her? Was it proud of her for her emotional development, of her letting someone see so much inside of her? Or was it disgusted and ashamed?
Promptly ten minutes later, the doorbell rang and Courtney was waiting impatiently to answer it. She swung the door open as her eyes fell upon him, that sheepish, playful grin that she always melted for stretched across his face. Chewing gently on her lower lip, she let him inside. "Hey baby." He said to her, one of those pet names he only used in private. Swaying her shoulders back a little bit, her eyes narrowed in their cat-like appearance, not out of annoyance but just mocking playfulness. Taking a step closer, Jan slowly wrapped an arm around her waist, tucking it into the back of her jeans and pulling her forward. Of coarse she let him. That's why he was over here. To make her feel good, so she didn't have to think about her pain and loneliness. Jan's hand slowly came up to touch Courtney's cheek lightly, his lips taking their sweet time moving at a snails-pace towards her own. Barely even touched and already her heart began to race, her blood moving faster through her veins, slowly climbing towards that boiling point that drove her wild. She'd never understand how he had such an effect on her, how just his provocative look could make her breath catch in her throat. Finally, his cool moist lips connected with her own, sending small chills up her shuddering spine. She cried out softly, immediately pressing her body forward, hungry to feel his touch, his kisses, his everything. That was the only time she truly felt alive. Jan slowly broke the kiss, letting his lips rest on her cheek for a moment. "We cooking dinner tonight?" He asked out of the middle of nowhere. Men! It was either sex or food, she knew that but can't they keep them separated? She was in no mood to eat. She needed something else for her body. "I'm not hungry." She said plainly, pressing herself up against him, her hands slipping under his shirt, her nails lightly scratching against the small of his back. He grinned at her, running his wet tongue lightly along her neck, up to her earlobe, kissing it softly, seductively. Oh god he really knew how to get her going! "You're not, huh." Jan's hand playfully reached behind her and squeezed the flesh on her tush, his tongue lapping greedily down her neck, his lips curving around her skin, sucking gently. "You seem pretty hungry to me." "Yeah, but you were talking about food." She quipped, raising a brow, a mixture between a dare and a plea. "I think you taste pretty good to me." He muttered, his lips slowly trailing down her neck, nipping lightly over her collarbone. God that felt good, it was like with every passing second of this, a small piece of her pain was vanishing through the cracks of her mind. She knew that when it was over that pain would slip back in, but she needed this release right now, this vacation from her constant confusion. "Let's go to my room." She quickly suggested, being as how the cold tile floor of her kitchen was not the most comfortable place to get it on. Flinging around, her platinum hair whipped around her shoulders as she led the way, Jan eagerly following behind her. Not wasting a moment of time, she turned towards Jan, her hands creeping underneath his shirt to grip the fabric, quickly yanking it up over his head. He grinned as she leaned down, running her palms lightly over his firm, tight abs. God how good he felt under her. Her tongue ran expectantly over his moist lips, wetness quickly building up between her legs and she giggled at that familiar down-low tickle. Courtney's eyes swept over his body, taking in the sight of his arms, not overly large but definite signs of muscle rippling on them, god how good those arms felt wrapped around her. Leaning foreword, she gently pressed her lips against the firm skin on his chest, letting her kisses linger, her tongue tasting his faint salty texture. She felt him shudder a bit against her mouth, and she smiled through her kisses, feeling powerful. She loved that she had the ability to make him shudder, make him plead. Then again he had that power over her, but that wasn't the point! Courtney continued her kisses, bringing her palms up to run her nails over his back as her kisses slowly descended, licking over that luscious tummy of his, her tongue darting into his belly button. Pressing into him, she felt something against her chest and she giggled softly, her kissing right above the line of his jeans. She sneaked a peak up at his face, and saw he was grinning from ear to ear. Lowering her eyes again, she ran her tongue under the line of his jeans, her hands coming up to free him of their constriction. Courtney's slender hands slid his jeans down his firm thighs. Her palish cheeks blushed a bit as she stood back up, nonchalantly chewing on her lower lip. Her oculars raised slightly, unintentionally locking on his, burning into his soul for only a moment. She couldn't allow that to last for long- it always made her insecure when she felt like he was truly seeing inside of her. She wasn't anything great- she'd never be. She didn't want him to see that. Jan's hand reached forward, his fingers sliding gently through her hair, tucking it behind her ear in a slow yet steady motion. She rose back to her feet, her insecurity becoming more apparent on her face. Tilting his head a bit, Jan refused to take his eyes off of hers, running his palm gently over her cheek. With a pathetic amount of gratitude she leaned into his hand, her lids slowly closing over her eyes. His hand slowly drifted upon her skin, grazing over her lips and she kissed his hand softly, with her eyes closed she was able to sink into it all more, like a fantasy game. Jan's hand began to slowly slip over her chin; the tips of his fingers grazing over Courtney's neck with a tantalizing tease. She sighed a bit, her skin tingling where he touched her, the feeling lingering on her heating flesh. Her lips parted to let out a small sigh, her body shifting, begging for more. He brought his lips gently down upon hers, kissing her deep, his tongue tasting her mouth with eagerness that wasn't forceful, his hands slipping underneath her shirt to gently stroke her back, coaxing her closer to him. Courtney cried out into his mouth, her body pressing against his bare skin, suddenly her own clothes felt loathsome and restricting. As if reading her mind, Jan nibbled on her upper lip, his hands slowly sliding that shirt up her midriff. She raised her arms, feeling the garment slide away from her like half-melted butter on fresh, golden toast. This was the kind of prelude to lovemaking that was reserved for romance novels and fantasy only, so, why was she feeling this way right now, when it shouldn't be reality? Yet she couldn't turn away, god she wanted to feel it all, even if it wasn't reality. Moving slowly with expert tenderness, Jan grazed his lips upon Courtney's neck again, the left side which had a tenancy to drive her wild. She smiled, a short breath taking in quickly as he rubbed his hands lightly up and down her back again, his fingers twirling around her bra strap as his tongue darted over her collarbone. Sliding the strap down her arms, it fell silently to the floor without missing a beat, his hands running softly up her back again, his thumbs rubbing gently against the sides of her breasts. It was almost a bit cold in here, but she was heating up- fast. Jan moved up to kiss her again, his lips moving softly across hers until they traveled to her neck, gently kissing her earlobe. "Relax." He whispered softly, his tongue teasing her inner ear. She sighed with a soft shiver, reaching back to scoot herself onto the bed. Biting her lower lip, she flicked her neck to the side, letting her locks fall back behind her shoulders, a soft, semi-self-conscious smile etching at the corners of her moist tiers. Jan grinned again coltishly, advancing on her like a cheetah about to devour its prey. And wow did she ever want to be devoured. Courtney could feel him near, her skin awakening and tingling, anticipating him, craving him. He slowly ran his hands up her torso, his fingers grazing lightly over her breasts. Arching her back, she moaned softly and brought her knee up, her lips parting in silent pleasure. His cool wet lips traveled down her neck, kissing softly between her chest, his tongue lightly grazing over her nipple. A small spark shot through her body, oh god this was heaven; this was the only thing that made her feel alive, that reminded her that she was actually existing. His lips closed around her nipple, gently suckling like a baby begging for food, his hands traveling down over her tummy to slowly slide her pants down her slender thighs. His kisses traveled over her tummy, and he hesitated only the merest moment before kissing gently between her legs over her panties, letting his tongue press against her moisture. Arching her back harshly, she cried out a bit, begging for more. Oh god did that boy know how to use his mouth! Hooking his thumbs around the edges of her panties, sliding them down her legs, her hot breath against her moist throbbing center. She brought her knees up and shuddered a bit as his tongue ran slowly up her slit, his lips grazing against her softly, letting his slick tongue slide into her depths. "God .." she muttered, her pulse quickening, her breathing coming out in short, small gasps. He slid his tongue into her, tasting her sweet juices, his lips sucking against her gently. This was a paradise amongst no other, one she was sure no one had ever felt like this before. "You taste so good." Jan muttered, his tongue sliding against her insides, swirling around her sensitive clit. Her lips parted as she shuddered and cried out softly, the heat making her entire body shudder. He gently slid a finger into her, gently stroking back and forth through her moisture as his tongue continued to swirl around her clit, a bit faster, a bit harder, driving her beyond wild. She arched her back and moaned, her eyes shut, her white knuckles gripping the bed sheets. "'Atta girl." He mumbled, sliding another finger into her, working his tongue faster against her swollen clit. Courtney's body began to overheat, her breathing labored and she cried out, her legs shaking as she began to come. Jan smiled as her muscles contracted against his fingers, trying to hold them inside of her, his mouth eagerly lapping up her sweet cum. Jan slowly sat up, his hand resting on Courtney's thigh as her knees fell to the side, both of them breathing heavily, Jan licking his lips with a snide grin. She peered at him, smirking, her way of letting him know that he had definitely pleased her. Laughing softly, Jan slowly ran his hand back down her inner thigh, moving his body over hers pausing to nonchalantly slip his boxers down his legs and kick them off. Kissing her forehead gently, he paused, looking deep into her expectant eyes. An uncomfortable silence followed before he pursed his lips. "Court. You know I care, right?" She looked away, unable to handle the intensity of deep stare. Her hand came up between his arm to rest lightly on his back. "Yeah, I know." She said softly. He leaned down, brushing his lips gently over hers, letting his tongue graze on the inner side of her upper lip. She could taste herself on him. "Say it like you mean it." He demanded gently, as if he really cared about something more than just the sex. He always did it right at that moment, which was apparently the only time he could admit to being more than just a carefree player. But Courtney knew that about him already. She knew what he was just as much as he knew what she was. Why they could never admit to it outside of this moment had always, and most likely would always be a mystery. But Courtney was okay with that for now, because the casual atmosphere was the only thing that provided security, and she couldn't change overnight foundations that had taken years for her to build within herself. She gulped, and looked back towards his eyes. "I know. And, you know I, you know I do too." Jan paused, but leaned down to gently suck her neck, positioning himself above her. Obviously, he knew that was the best she could do, and he was willing to accept that. He brought a hand up behind her knee, coaxing her to raise her leg and she did, resting it over his shoulder. She gasped a bit as she felt him press slowly against her, sliding into her with cautiousness and ease. His hand ran soothing over her thigh as he slowly began to move back and forth with gentle thrusts, his mouth lowering to graze over her breasts. "There you go." He said softly, his face contorted a bit with restrained pleasure, as if he was afraid he'd look stupid if he just let go. She grunted a bit, adjusting herself under him, swinging her other leg up to rest upon his shoulder as well. He grinned, running his tongue over his lips in a characteristic gesture of satisfaction. He began to move a bit faster inside of her. "You okay?" He asked, kissing her above her tummy as he moved. Courtney's face flushed, the feeling of him inside her not describable with words. It was incredible- it was beyond incredible. "I feel alive..." She said without thinking, arching her hips into him as he moved, pleading for more, her body shuddering under his tender thrusts. "God .oh god." Gritting his teeth as heavy breath poured from his throat, Jan suddenly grabbed her hips, gently rolling over to his side, taking her with him as she settled on top of him. She paused, hesitation flooding over her face. She'd never done this on-top thing before, Jan was the one who did the 'work' when they screwed. She didn't even know what to do. He gently rested his hands on her hips. "Just rock." He coaxed her gently. "You can do it." Biting her lower lip, she tried to follow his instructions, moving her hips slowly back and forth, resting her hands on the sides of his chest, treating him like a delicate rocking horse. God this did feel good she'd admit, they were separate but they were one, connected in unimaginable ways that took her to a whole new world, and she didn't need a magic carpet to take her there; just him. "That's it." He encouraged her, smiling, his hands slipping up her sides, his thumbs brushing across her nipples in a soft, circular motion. She could tell his breath was getting shorter along with hers. "Just like that, baby." She leaned back a little bit as she rocked, suddenly gasping in surprise as the motion hit her clit in the exact right spot. Whoa, at this rate she wouldn't last more than another few seconds. "Holy shit." She said between breaths, rocking on him as he continued to run his fingers over her breasts. "Oh my god." Her jaw clenched as she suddenly lurched into orgasm, her entire body spasming, and a shrill scream escaped her closed mouth. She squirmed as she felt his hot juices fill her insides, her body still shaking from the firework that was bursting inside of her. Jan's moans also echoed in her ears, her cries in sync with his. A few moments later, Courtney slid off of Jan and laid down on top of him, resting her head on his shoulder, smiling softly as his hand stroked her back. Both their chests were rising and falling with their exertion, their bodies damp with sweat. Jan kissed her forehead lightly. "How was that?" She took in another labored breath before answering. "That was great." "I'm glad, baby." They lay like that together for several moments afterwards, their bodies slowly recovering. Courtney sighed, her eyes closed softly, just feeling the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest. She didn't want to move, moving would mean the moment was over and the peace would again disappear. This was her least favorite part of their interludes, the end.
When Courtney woke up, it was dark outside, and her head was still resting on Jan's shoulder. She lay still for a few minutes, her mind an uncontrollable rush of sudden, unexpected and frightening thoughts. This would never be a reality for her, this heaven of sex and the peaceful aftermath, the false assumption that he actually loved her or cared for her. More importantly, she knew she could never truly love him, because loving him would mean giving her a part of herself that she couldn't bear to let go of. Once she gave it, she could never get it back, and then what happens when he strays, like all men do? He'd cheat on her, or leave her because he'd eventually know that she didn't love him. Courtney shook a little bit, biting her lower lip and screaming at herself inside. Why did she let herself get into this mess? She was a strong, independent woman! She didn't need this! She didn't need to spend her mornings looking forward to some guy's kisses, her nights falling asleep in his arms. That wasn't who she was. That wasn't who she brought herself up to be. Sitting up, she turned away from Jan's soundly sleeping form, clutching the sheet to her, her legs curling up under her. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she dig herself in such a hole, and now she didn't even know where the ladder was to climb out of it. She had been something, before. She had been the girl who was worshipped and feared, her name alone making people want to stand up straighter, making them squirm in their shoes. Courtney was the example of societal perfection, which was what she prided herself on. She was what everyone should strive to be, because in this cold cruel world, if you didn't have independence and inner-strength, you were nothing. And what did she have now? The only time she felt alive, was when Jan was inside her, the only time she felt at peace was when he was touching her, kissing her, comforting her. It was sick. Glancing behind herself to make sure he was sound asleep, Courtney carefully swung her legs out from under her and planted her feet on the floor. She crept to her closet and grabbed her silken robe, heading out the bedroom door refusing to look back. If she looked back, she wouldn't be able to go through with the sudden plan that raced through her mind. Courtney had done everything she could to survive for many years, and she took all of her hard-earned work and totally trashed it within only a few weeks. There was nothing left of her former self now, only a weakened shell that took up space and represented everything she despised. She was disgusted with what she had become, seeing nothing but a dead girl when she looked in the mirror. She never wanted to see another morning, or indignify herself by falling asleep in Jan's arms another night. There was only one thing left to do. Courtney quietly flicked on the light in the kitchen, creeping to the cupboard, carefully grasping the handle and pulling it open. Her eyes scanned its contents; desperately seeking out the items that could free her from this prison she created for herself. She grasped a full box of Benadryl and a bottle of Advil. Lame, she knew that already, but hopefully they'd get the job done. With a shaking hand, Courtney closed the cupboard again, trying not to look at anything. She didn't think she'd be able to go through with it if she saw things, and knew that it would be the last time she'd ever see them again. Walking over to the desk, she opened the drawer and pulled out a pen and a piece of paper, and gripping the pen, she scribbled out a quick note.
I tried to do my job. I was everything. I'm nothing, and the last thing I want is to contribute to this world's patheticness. Thanks for caring, but its meaningless- life, is meaningless. I can't stand it anymore.
Courtney left the note on the table, taking a cup and filling it with water, her fingers meticulously unwrapping the pills. She took a gulp of water and began to swallow one after the other, after the other. . Until the glass was empty, and almost all of the pills were gone. She blinked the effects of the rush immediately beginning to hit her. She didn't want to die on the kitchen floor. Stumbling quickly, she managed to reach the couch, her stomach starting to tie up in knots. It hurt, but she was so tired, so beyond tired that she didn't think she could get up again if she wanted to. Courtney closed her eyes, welcoming the darkness with obscene gratitude, thankful beyond words for it's comforting embrace. The only embrace she was willing to accept. Visions of her past flowed through her brain, her childhood, her teddy bear that raised her, and of coarse- Jan. She knew that in a sense, what she was doing wasn't fair to him, but he hadn't been fair to her either, making her soften, teaching her how to be tender when this world wasn't one that honored tenderness. He deserved to be shown the truth, just like she had been shown it, with the cold loneliness of reality. Those thoughts slowly drifted away too, and she felt herself slipping away, away into the only thing that would ever bring her solace.
Soft footsteps sounded down the stairs at Courtney's house a short while later, a voice calling out to her hazily. "Courtney?" Jan called to her softly, creeping into the kitchen. "Courtney?" Her form was apparent, her arm hanging off the couch, dangling lifelessly, the back of her hand resting on the floor. Jan's eyes widened at the sight of her, instinctively looking over at the kitchen counter, his hand reaching towards that piece of paper she left. Scanning it's words, his eyes bulged nearly out of his skull, that piece of paper drifting slowly to the floor as his form rushed to Courtney. "Courtney!" Jan yelled, smacking her cheek gently, propping up her head. "Courtney, can you hear me? Wake up!" He picked up her wrist and dropped it again, but it just dropped, dangling again with a frightening lifelessness. He ran his hands through her hair, his face softening. "Courtney please. Wake up. God, wake up." Cradling her body, he rocked her back and forth, shutting his eyes for the briefest moment. Quickly, he scooped her form up in his arms, grabbing his car keys from the counter and rushing outside. Jan grasped Courtney's still form to him as his foot floored the gas pedal, one hand swerving dangerously around the curves of the road. They arrived at the hospital much sooner than they should have, narrowly avoiding loosing control of the car on several occasions. Jan shut off the engine but left the car running, rushing to the other side and carefully pulling Courtney out. "She's OD'ing!" He yelled frantically as a bunch of people in hospital rags rushed outside. A stretcher was quickly brought out, an instant later they were rushing her inside. Jan ran after her. "Are you family?" One of the nurses yelled back at him. "Yeah." He answered, determined not to leave Courtney's side. A stomach pump was immediately brought in, the nurses forcing a tube down Courtney's throat. Jan's fingers grasped the metal bar on the hospital bed tightly, his knuckles turning white with the intensity of his grip. Courtney lurched forward the instant they began pumping, the contents of her stomach quickly being emptied. Everyone was yelling, running around, screaming at Jan, demanding to know what she took, and he didn't even know, he had been too dissevered to check. He didn't hear any of it though, because his eyes never left Courtney for a moment.
Before she even regained consciousness, her head throbbed, the pain echoing through her mind like a tidal wave. Why was she feeling pain? Wasn't she supposed to be dead? Why wasn't she dead? Oh god. She had failed, just like she had failed with everything else she had stood for in life. She couldn't even die right. Courtney's hand was being gently squeezed, and she forced her eyes to open, praying to god that her stupid parents weren't here. Why would they be? It's not like they'd come home from their trip for this, and if they did; they wouldn't be holding her hand. They'd be bitching at her for ruining their vacation. When she opened her eyes, it felt like ten million pins suddenly stabbed through her skull, and she immediately closed them again, shuddering a bit with fatigue and failure. "Courtney." Proclaimed a soft, yet slightly exited voice. "Hey, you're awake!" Taking in a breath, she forced her eyes to open again, and rest blankly on Jan. Him. He was the one who was most likely responsible for this. He squeezed her motionless hand again, placing a small but grateful kiss to her forehead. "Thank god." Her jaw trembling, she turned her head away. She couldn't bear to look at him. This was the most pathetic thing she had ever done to herself, and he was now a witness to it. She couldn't hide from him what she really was. She could never hide from him again. Why would he want anything to do with her now? "Courtney ..look at me." Jan demanded softly, his thumb running soothingly over her knuckle. She trembled, but refused. "Just tell me why." He said softly, a pleading tone in his voice. Why? The better question was, why not? "I can't do this." She said quietly, her head still turned away. "Any of it. And everything I worked for is fucking gone." "Is this my fault? Did you do this to get back at me for something?" "No!" God, she hadn't meant for him to think that. This wasn't about him, it was about her, and she knew it. At least now she could admit that, if only in her head. "No." she repeated her voice softer, full of regret. "I couldn't let anyone see. It would ruin everything. It will ruin everything. Everything I've worked for. Everything I am." "You're wrong. Do you have any clue how amazing you are? How fucking amazing? And you were going to just toss it away. I wouldn't let you, Court." "Why? Why do you care?" She finally said back, turning to look at him with defiance in her eyes. "You shouldn't care about me." Jan pursed his lips, his gaze steady, determined. "I don't know why. But you don't get how amazing you are. You don't get any of it, do you. I know there's a lot about you I don't know, and reasons for the shit that you do. And I don't need an explanation if you don't want to explain. I just, I just need you. Here. Okay?" Courtney trembled, unsure of how to respond to that. No one's ever said they needed her before. No one's ever really cared, even though she'd tried so hard to force everyone to care. She never even really thought about Jan before, or tried to force him to do anything because as a person in society, he for the most part, measured up to her standards that she was trying to get others to achieve. The one person whom she didn't consider, was the person who ended up saying he needed her. "Don't' tell anyone." She asked him, almost begging, her hand tightening around his. "Please." He looked upon her sadly. "I won't, if you don't want me to. I promise." Jan leaned forward carefully, cautiously as if watching to make sure she wouldn't flip out before gently brushing his lips over hers, sealing that promise forever. Silence followed nothing but their hands holding each other, providing warmth in Courtney's cold world.
The End
By Clarebear
Sequel to "Spirit"
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I'm simply borrowing them for a story line and will return them promptly when I'm done, unharmed!
Teaser: Courtney and Jan have an unspoken understanding with their not- quite relationship; don't ask don't tell. But when Courtney's life depends on him, can he come through for her?
Elongated eyelashes slowly fluttered open, slender arms stretching upwards above her head, a smile on her face as the sun warmed her skin. Morning was definitely here, and Courtney had most likely overslept. Reaching her arms to her side, in her delirium she expected to feel the comforting sensation of the quietly slumbering Jan sleeping next to her, but her hand fell instead lightly on top of cotton sheets. She groaned a bit, the good mood she was about to wake up in dissolving. Courtney hated waking up alone. For the past eighteen years of her life, alone had been the thing she hated yet clung too all of her life. She had no one but herself and her inner-strength to guide her through all her years of solitude, and it was only recently that someone had been determined enough to see who she really was- and love her whole heatedly because of it. Now she secretly clung mercilessly to Jan as if he was the only anchor holding her anywhere near solid ground, and that wasn't far from the truth. Her parents being out of town, or clubbing, or god doesn't know where nine tenths of the time, it was quite easy for Courtney to have Jan spend the night, and even if her parents were home, it's not like they'd notice, or care. But now she was used to that, accustomed to that security, the feel of his strong broad arms wrapped around her body, and the way he'd kiss her forehead right when she was returning to consciousness. She never had a perfectly peaceful sleep unless she was rocked into it with his gentle thrusts, like the soft incoming tides of an ocean silently bringing her to shore. God, now that she actually thought about all that, it was kind of pathetic. Why should she need someone else to make her life okay? While it was wonderful, it was also pretty damn scary. People were unpredictable, and it's not like she and Jan had any real commitment to one another. High school would be over in a month, and they'd be going off to college, and people always say that college changes everything. But Courtney didn't want things to change. She wanted things the same; comfortable, on a level where she felt she was in control. Control was extremely important to her. Groaning with her usual vocal complaints to herself, Courtney rose and hopped in the shower, proceeding with her normal daily rituals of making herself look beautiful. School, cheer practice, then hopefully some playtime with the boy-toy before bed. Just another day like any other, and things would be the same until school was over, which wasn't that far away now. After that- well, Courtney didn't even want to think about it.
Tossing her spanky pants into her locker, Courtney sighed, flicking her hair back behind her shoulders. She felt oddly irritated today, the disappointment of the morning dragging itself on into her day without explanation. "What's your deal today?" A voice suddenly cut through Courtney's inner-grumble. She looked up blankly at her best friend. "What are you talking about?" She asked, accusation and defense etching in her voice. She liked Whitney, but that girl sometimes just didn't know when to keep her mouth shut. "You were totally blank during practice. I know nationals are long over but that doesn't mean you can just slack." Courtney narrowed her eyes, slender digits curling up to rest upon the curvature of her hips. "Slack? I was doing my best out there-" "No, you were too busy getting fingers up your twat." Courtney's jaw dropped. Did Whitney actually just have the guts to say that to her? This was her best friend! She's not supposed to notice these things, or at least have the dignity to not say anything if she did! Ugh! "Don't piss me off." She responded her voice short and full of warning. Whitney eyed her, but lowered her orbs at Courtney's command. Friend or no, at least she had enough sense to know when Courtney was pissed, it was not confrontation time. Grabbing her shoes, Courtney stalked out of the gym, her stride quick and defining before her shoulders were gently grabbed, stopping her in her path. Her eyes shot with accusation at the person who dared to stop her, but involuntarily softened when they rested upon Jan's face. She frowned, folding her arms stubbornly over her chest. "What?" She asked him, looking away. "Sorry I couldn't make it before practice." He grinned widely, his charm and playful attitude radiating off of him, reeling her in even though all she wanted to do was walk away. She scoffed. "Doesn't matter. It's not like I need you to be there." Jan's grin grew even wider, reminding her of the cunning "Grinch Who Stole Christmas." God, she hated it when he pulled this shit! "I know you don't mean that." He quipped, his hands reaching forward to rest upon her hips, his thumbs grazing across her skin. "Look, I don't have time for this right now." She said with imitated irritation in her voice. He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, taking a step forward. "Not even a few minutes?" Her eyes closed even though she yelled at them to stay open and alert, the annoying spell he always had over her taking president over all else. Her chin tilted upwards, waiting and expecting to feel his breath upon her skin. Laughing a bit under his breath, Jan leaned forward to gently press his lips against her neck, moving soft and slow; the way he knew she liked it. Courtney couldn't help but crack a small smile, mad at him or not, she couldn't help that he always had a knack for relaxing her, making her feel like no one else ever could. Jan slowly kissed up her neck, his hot breath on her ear. "Parents gone tonight?" He whispered playfully. She didn't respond, but a snide grin crept across her face and a snicker escaped. Smiling, he moved his lips back to hers, kissing her gently, softly, the way she now liked it. A moment later the bell rang and countless droning students filled the halls. Regrettably, Jan slowly ended the kiss. God, she hated it when he did that! He knew just how to get her going, but he seemingly always picked the most inopportune times, and could barely ever finish what he started. But she'd make sure he finished it tonight. Courtney wasn't one to be disappointed.
"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel the same! I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in-between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way!" Frowning, Courtney reached forward and shut off her stereo, her shoulders slumping in a listless sigh. She had hoped to at least catch a glimpse of her parents before they left on another trip, but as usual they were long gone by the time she got home from school, leaving her nothing but a hundred dollar bill on the kitchen counter. Maybe a trip to the mall would be good, she could get a trim, maybe a new outfit. New clothes were a definite must; wearing things over and over again always made her feel like she was regressing in life instead of moving forward. Reaching forward, Courtney half-heartedly picked up the phone when it suddenly buzzed in her ear. "Yeah?" she said, not in the mood to be polite enough for a 'hello'. "Hey, it's me." Jan's voice said from the other end of the receiver. Courtney's eyes widened but her lips frowned, a contradictory reaction that was her trademark in life. "What do you want?" She asked quickly, her fingers twirling upwards into her hair. She knew what he wanted, of coarse, but she had to make him say it. "Your parents are gone, right?" Courtney paused. They were of coarse, but did she really want to see him tonight? Looking to her left, her finger grazed lightly over her worn teddy bear, she'd had him since before she could even remember. When she was a child, it was that teddy that would rock her to sleep every night, who was the rag for her tears, who talked to her and said comforting things when no one else would. She turned her attention back to the phone. "Yeah, they're gone. You coming over?" She could almost hear his boyish excitement on the other end. "Yeah, give me ten minutes." She cradled the receiver softly and glanced back at her teddy bear. Material and stuffing was all it was technically, but she knew it was more than that. What was her teddy thinking when her fingers would grip its arm when Jan was rocking inside of her? Was it proud of her for her emotional development, of her letting someone see so much inside of her? Or was it disgusted and ashamed?
Promptly ten minutes later, the doorbell rang and Courtney was waiting impatiently to answer it. She swung the door open as her eyes fell upon him, that sheepish, playful grin that she always melted for stretched across his face. Chewing gently on her lower lip, she let him inside. "Hey baby." He said to her, one of those pet names he only used in private. Swaying her shoulders back a little bit, her eyes narrowed in their cat-like appearance, not out of annoyance but just mocking playfulness. Taking a step closer, Jan slowly wrapped an arm around her waist, tucking it into the back of her jeans and pulling her forward. Of coarse she let him. That's why he was over here. To make her feel good, so she didn't have to think about her pain and loneliness. Jan's hand slowly came up to touch Courtney's cheek lightly, his lips taking their sweet time moving at a snails-pace towards her own. Barely even touched and already her heart began to race, her blood moving faster through her veins, slowly climbing towards that boiling point that drove her wild. She'd never understand how he had such an effect on her, how just his provocative look could make her breath catch in her throat. Finally, his cool moist lips connected with her own, sending small chills up her shuddering spine. She cried out softly, immediately pressing her body forward, hungry to feel his touch, his kisses, his everything. That was the only time she truly felt alive. Jan slowly broke the kiss, letting his lips rest on her cheek for a moment. "We cooking dinner tonight?" He asked out of the middle of nowhere. Men! It was either sex or food, she knew that but can't they keep them separated? She was in no mood to eat. She needed something else for her body. "I'm not hungry." She said plainly, pressing herself up against him, her hands slipping under his shirt, her nails lightly scratching against the small of his back. He grinned at her, running his wet tongue lightly along her neck, up to her earlobe, kissing it softly, seductively. Oh god he really knew how to get her going! "You're not, huh." Jan's hand playfully reached behind her and squeezed the flesh on her tush, his tongue lapping greedily down her neck, his lips curving around her skin, sucking gently. "You seem pretty hungry to me." "Yeah, but you were talking about food." She quipped, raising a brow, a mixture between a dare and a plea. "I think you taste pretty good to me." He muttered, his lips slowly trailing down her neck, nipping lightly over her collarbone. God that felt good, it was like with every passing second of this, a small piece of her pain was vanishing through the cracks of her mind. She knew that when it was over that pain would slip back in, but she needed this release right now, this vacation from her constant confusion. "Let's go to my room." She quickly suggested, being as how the cold tile floor of her kitchen was not the most comfortable place to get it on. Flinging around, her platinum hair whipped around her shoulders as she led the way, Jan eagerly following behind her. Not wasting a moment of time, she turned towards Jan, her hands creeping underneath his shirt to grip the fabric, quickly yanking it up over his head. He grinned as she leaned down, running her palms lightly over his firm, tight abs. God how good he felt under her. Her tongue ran expectantly over his moist lips, wetness quickly building up between her legs and she giggled at that familiar down-low tickle. Courtney's eyes swept over his body, taking in the sight of his arms, not overly large but definite signs of muscle rippling on them, god how good those arms felt wrapped around her. Leaning foreword, she gently pressed her lips against the firm skin on his chest, letting her kisses linger, her tongue tasting his faint salty texture. She felt him shudder a bit against her mouth, and she smiled through her kisses, feeling powerful. She loved that she had the ability to make him shudder, make him plead. Then again he had that power over her, but that wasn't the point! Courtney continued her kisses, bringing her palms up to run her nails over his back as her kisses slowly descended, licking over that luscious tummy of his, her tongue darting into his belly button. Pressing into him, she felt something against her chest and she giggled softly, her kissing right above the line of his jeans. She sneaked a peak up at his face, and saw he was grinning from ear to ear. Lowering her eyes again, she ran her tongue under the line of his jeans, her hands coming up to free him of their constriction. Courtney's slender hands slid his jeans down his firm thighs. Her palish cheeks blushed a bit as she stood back up, nonchalantly chewing on her lower lip. Her oculars raised slightly, unintentionally locking on his, burning into his soul for only a moment. She couldn't allow that to last for long- it always made her insecure when she felt like he was truly seeing inside of her. She wasn't anything great- she'd never be. She didn't want him to see that. Jan's hand reached forward, his fingers sliding gently through her hair, tucking it behind her ear in a slow yet steady motion. She rose back to her feet, her insecurity becoming more apparent on her face. Tilting his head a bit, Jan refused to take his eyes off of hers, running his palm gently over her cheek. With a pathetic amount of gratitude she leaned into his hand, her lids slowly closing over her eyes. His hand slowly drifted upon her skin, grazing over her lips and she kissed his hand softly, with her eyes closed she was able to sink into it all more, like a fantasy game. Jan's hand began to slowly slip over her chin; the tips of his fingers grazing over Courtney's neck with a tantalizing tease. She sighed a bit, her skin tingling where he touched her, the feeling lingering on her heating flesh. Her lips parted to let out a small sigh, her body shifting, begging for more. He brought his lips gently down upon hers, kissing her deep, his tongue tasting her mouth with eagerness that wasn't forceful, his hands slipping underneath her shirt to gently stroke her back, coaxing her closer to him. Courtney cried out into his mouth, her body pressing against his bare skin, suddenly her own clothes felt loathsome and restricting. As if reading her mind, Jan nibbled on her upper lip, his hands slowly sliding that shirt up her midriff. She raised her arms, feeling the garment slide away from her like half-melted butter on fresh, golden toast. This was the kind of prelude to lovemaking that was reserved for romance novels and fantasy only, so, why was she feeling this way right now, when it shouldn't be reality? Yet she couldn't turn away, god she wanted to feel it all, even if it wasn't reality. Moving slowly with expert tenderness, Jan grazed his lips upon Courtney's neck again, the left side which had a tenancy to drive her wild. She smiled, a short breath taking in quickly as he rubbed his hands lightly up and down her back again, his fingers twirling around her bra strap as his tongue darted over her collarbone. Sliding the strap down her arms, it fell silently to the floor without missing a beat, his hands running softly up her back again, his thumbs rubbing gently against the sides of her breasts. It was almost a bit cold in here, but she was heating up- fast. Jan moved up to kiss her again, his lips moving softly across hers until they traveled to her neck, gently kissing her earlobe. "Relax." He whispered softly, his tongue teasing her inner ear. She sighed with a soft shiver, reaching back to scoot herself onto the bed. Biting her lower lip, she flicked her neck to the side, letting her locks fall back behind her shoulders, a soft, semi-self-conscious smile etching at the corners of her moist tiers. Jan grinned again coltishly, advancing on her like a cheetah about to devour its prey. And wow did she ever want to be devoured. Courtney could feel him near, her skin awakening and tingling, anticipating him, craving him. He slowly ran his hands up her torso, his fingers grazing lightly over her breasts. Arching her back, she moaned softly and brought her knee up, her lips parting in silent pleasure. His cool wet lips traveled down her neck, kissing softly between her chest, his tongue lightly grazing over her nipple. A small spark shot through her body, oh god this was heaven; this was the only thing that made her feel alive, that reminded her that she was actually existing. His lips closed around her nipple, gently suckling like a baby begging for food, his hands traveling down over her tummy to slowly slide her pants down her slender thighs. His kisses traveled over her tummy, and he hesitated only the merest moment before kissing gently between her legs over her panties, letting his tongue press against her moisture. Arching her back harshly, she cried out a bit, begging for more. Oh god did that boy know how to use his mouth! Hooking his thumbs around the edges of her panties, sliding them down her legs, her hot breath against her moist throbbing center. She brought her knees up and shuddered a bit as his tongue ran slowly up her slit, his lips grazing against her softly, letting his slick tongue slide into her depths. "God .." she muttered, her pulse quickening, her breathing coming out in short, small gasps. He slid his tongue into her, tasting her sweet juices, his lips sucking against her gently. This was a paradise amongst no other, one she was sure no one had ever felt like this before. "You taste so good." Jan muttered, his tongue sliding against her insides, swirling around her sensitive clit. Her lips parted as she shuddered and cried out softly, the heat making her entire body shudder. He gently slid a finger into her, gently stroking back and forth through her moisture as his tongue continued to swirl around her clit, a bit faster, a bit harder, driving her beyond wild. She arched her back and moaned, her eyes shut, her white knuckles gripping the bed sheets. "'Atta girl." He mumbled, sliding another finger into her, working his tongue faster against her swollen clit. Courtney's body began to overheat, her breathing labored and she cried out, her legs shaking as she began to come. Jan smiled as her muscles contracted against his fingers, trying to hold them inside of her, his mouth eagerly lapping up her sweet cum. Jan slowly sat up, his hand resting on Courtney's thigh as her knees fell to the side, both of them breathing heavily, Jan licking his lips with a snide grin. She peered at him, smirking, her way of letting him know that he had definitely pleased her. Laughing softly, Jan slowly ran his hand back down her inner thigh, moving his body over hers pausing to nonchalantly slip his boxers down his legs and kick them off. Kissing her forehead gently, he paused, looking deep into her expectant eyes. An uncomfortable silence followed before he pursed his lips. "Court. You know I care, right?" She looked away, unable to handle the intensity of deep stare. Her hand came up between his arm to rest lightly on his back. "Yeah, I know." She said softly. He leaned down, brushing his lips gently over hers, letting his tongue graze on the inner side of her upper lip. She could taste herself on him. "Say it like you mean it." He demanded gently, as if he really cared about something more than just the sex. He always did it right at that moment, which was apparently the only time he could admit to being more than just a carefree player. But Courtney knew that about him already. She knew what he was just as much as he knew what she was. Why they could never admit to it outside of this moment had always, and most likely would always be a mystery. But Courtney was okay with that for now, because the casual atmosphere was the only thing that provided security, and she couldn't change overnight foundations that had taken years for her to build within herself. She gulped, and looked back towards his eyes. "I know. And, you know I, you know I do too." Jan paused, but leaned down to gently suck her neck, positioning himself above her. Obviously, he knew that was the best she could do, and he was willing to accept that. He brought a hand up behind her knee, coaxing her to raise her leg and she did, resting it over his shoulder. She gasped a bit as she felt him press slowly against her, sliding into her with cautiousness and ease. His hand ran soothing over her thigh as he slowly began to move back and forth with gentle thrusts, his mouth lowering to graze over her breasts. "There you go." He said softly, his face contorted a bit with restrained pleasure, as if he was afraid he'd look stupid if he just let go. She grunted a bit, adjusting herself under him, swinging her other leg up to rest upon his shoulder as well. He grinned, running his tongue over his lips in a characteristic gesture of satisfaction. He began to move a bit faster inside of her. "You okay?" He asked, kissing her above her tummy as he moved. Courtney's face flushed, the feeling of him inside her not describable with words. It was incredible- it was beyond incredible. "I feel alive..." She said without thinking, arching her hips into him as he moved, pleading for more, her body shuddering under his tender thrusts. "God .oh god." Gritting his teeth as heavy breath poured from his throat, Jan suddenly grabbed her hips, gently rolling over to his side, taking her with him as she settled on top of him. She paused, hesitation flooding over her face. She'd never done this on-top thing before, Jan was the one who did the 'work' when they screwed. She didn't even know what to do. He gently rested his hands on her hips. "Just rock." He coaxed her gently. "You can do it." Biting her lower lip, she tried to follow his instructions, moving her hips slowly back and forth, resting her hands on the sides of his chest, treating him like a delicate rocking horse. God this did feel good she'd admit, they were separate but they were one, connected in unimaginable ways that took her to a whole new world, and she didn't need a magic carpet to take her there; just him. "That's it." He encouraged her, smiling, his hands slipping up her sides, his thumbs brushing across her nipples in a soft, circular motion. She could tell his breath was getting shorter along with hers. "Just like that, baby." She leaned back a little bit as she rocked, suddenly gasping in surprise as the motion hit her clit in the exact right spot. Whoa, at this rate she wouldn't last more than another few seconds. "Holy shit." She said between breaths, rocking on him as he continued to run his fingers over her breasts. "Oh my god." Her jaw clenched as she suddenly lurched into orgasm, her entire body spasming, and a shrill scream escaped her closed mouth. She squirmed as she felt his hot juices fill her insides, her body still shaking from the firework that was bursting inside of her. Jan's moans also echoed in her ears, her cries in sync with his. A few moments later, Courtney slid off of Jan and laid down on top of him, resting her head on his shoulder, smiling softly as his hand stroked her back. Both their chests were rising and falling with their exertion, their bodies damp with sweat. Jan kissed her forehead lightly. "How was that?" She took in another labored breath before answering. "That was great." "I'm glad, baby." They lay like that together for several moments afterwards, their bodies slowly recovering. Courtney sighed, her eyes closed softly, just feeling the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest. She didn't want to move, moving would mean the moment was over and the peace would again disappear. This was her least favorite part of their interludes, the end.
When Courtney woke up, it was dark outside, and her head was still resting on Jan's shoulder. She lay still for a few minutes, her mind an uncontrollable rush of sudden, unexpected and frightening thoughts. This would never be a reality for her, this heaven of sex and the peaceful aftermath, the false assumption that he actually loved her or cared for her. More importantly, she knew she could never truly love him, because loving him would mean giving her a part of herself that she couldn't bear to let go of. Once she gave it, she could never get it back, and then what happens when he strays, like all men do? He'd cheat on her, or leave her because he'd eventually know that she didn't love him. Courtney shook a little bit, biting her lower lip and screaming at herself inside. Why did she let herself get into this mess? She was a strong, independent woman! She didn't need this! She didn't need to spend her mornings looking forward to some guy's kisses, her nights falling asleep in his arms. That wasn't who she was. That wasn't who she brought herself up to be. Sitting up, she turned away from Jan's soundly sleeping form, clutching the sheet to her, her legs curling up under her. Why would she do this to herself? Why would she dig herself in such a hole, and now she didn't even know where the ladder was to climb out of it. She had been something, before. She had been the girl who was worshipped and feared, her name alone making people want to stand up straighter, making them squirm in their shoes. Courtney was the example of societal perfection, which was what she prided herself on. She was what everyone should strive to be, because in this cold cruel world, if you didn't have independence and inner-strength, you were nothing. And what did she have now? The only time she felt alive, was when Jan was inside her, the only time she felt at peace was when he was touching her, kissing her, comforting her. It was sick. Glancing behind herself to make sure he was sound asleep, Courtney carefully swung her legs out from under her and planted her feet on the floor. She crept to her closet and grabbed her silken robe, heading out the bedroom door refusing to look back. If she looked back, she wouldn't be able to go through with the sudden plan that raced through her mind. Courtney had done everything she could to survive for many years, and she took all of her hard-earned work and totally trashed it within only a few weeks. There was nothing left of her former self now, only a weakened shell that took up space and represented everything she despised. She was disgusted with what she had become, seeing nothing but a dead girl when she looked in the mirror. She never wanted to see another morning, or indignify herself by falling asleep in Jan's arms another night. There was only one thing left to do. Courtney quietly flicked on the light in the kitchen, creeping to the cupboard, carefully grasping the handle and pulling it open. Her eyes scanned its contents; desperately seeking out the items that could free her from this prison she created for herself. She grasped a full box of Benadryl and a bottle of Advil. Lame, she knew that already, but hopefully they'd get the job done. With a shaking hand, Courtney closed the cupboard again, trying not to look at anything. She didn't think she'd be able to go through with it if she saw things, and knew that it would be the last time she'd ever see them again. Walking over to the desk, she opened the drawer and pulled out a pen and a piece of paper, and gripping the pen, she scribbled out a quick note.
I tried to do my job. I was everything. I'm nothing, and the last thing I want is to contribute to this world's patheticness. Thanks for caring, but its meaningless- life, is meaningless. I can't stand it anymore.
Courtney left the note on the table, taking a cup and filling it with water, her fingers meticulously unwrapping the pills. She took a gulp of water and began to swallow one after the other, after the other. . Until the glass was empty, and almost all of the pills were gone. She blinked the effects of the rush immediately beginning to hit her. She didn't want to die on the kitchen floor. Stumbling quickly, she managed to reach the couch, her stomach starting to tie up in knots. It hurt, but she was so tired, so beyond tired that she didn't think she could get up again if she wanted to. Courtney closed her eyes, welcoming the darkness with obscene gratitude, thankful beyond words for it's comforting embrace. The only embrace she was willing to accept. Visions of her past flowed through her brain, her childhood, her teddy bear that raised her, and of coarse- Jan. She knew that in a sense, what she was doing wasn't fair to him, but he hadn't been fair to her either, making her soften, teaching her how to be tender when this world wasn't one that honored tenderness. He deserved to be shown the truth, just like she had been shown it, with the cold loneliness of reality. Those thoughts slowly drifted away too, and she felt herself slipping away, away into the only thing that would ever bring her solace.
Soft footsteps sounded down the stairs at Courtney's house a short while later, a voice calling out to her hazily. "Courtney?" Jan called to her softly, creeping into the kitchen. "Courtney?" Her form was apparent, her arm hanging off the couch, dangling lifelessly, the back of her hand resting on the floor. Jan's eyes widened at the sight of her, instinctively looking over at the kitchen counter, his hand reaching towards that piece of paper she left. Scanning it's words, his eyes bulged nearly out of his skull, that piece of paper drifting slowly to the floor as his form rushed to Courtney. "Courtney!" Jan yelled, smacking her cheek gently, propping up her head. "Courtney, can you hear me? Wake up!" He picked up her wrist and dropped it again, but it just dropped, dangling again with a frightening lifelessness. He ran his hands through her hair, his face softening. "Courtney please. Wake up. God, wake up." Cradling her body, he rocked her back and forth, shutting his eyes for the briefest moment. Quickly, he scooped her form up in his arms, grabbing his car keys from the counter and rushing outside. Jan grasped Courtney's still form to him as his foot floored the gas pedal, one hand swerving dangerously around the curves of the road. They arrived at the hospital much sooner than they should have, narrowly avoiding loosing control of the car on several occasions. Jan shut off the engine but left the car running, rushing to the other side and carefully pulling Courtney out. "She's OD'ing!" He yelled frantically as a bunch of people in hospital rags rushed outside. A stretcher was quickly brought out, an instant later they were rushing her inside. Jan ran after her. "Are you family?" One of the nurses yelled back at him. "Yeah." He answered, determined not to leave Courtney's side. A stomach pump was immediately brought in, the nurses forcing a tube down Courtney's throat. Jan's fingers grasped the metal bar on the hospital bed tightly, his knuckles turning white with the intensity of his grip. Courtney lurched forward the instant they began pumping, the contents of her stomach quickly being emptied. Everyone was yelling, running around, screaming at Jan, demanding to know what she took, and he didn't even know, he had been too dissevered to check. He didn't hear any of it though, because his eyes never left Courtney for a moment.
Before she even regained consciousness, her head throbbed, the pain echoing through her mind like a tidal wave. Why was she feeling pain? Wasn't she supposed to be dead? Why wasn't she dead? Oh god. She had failed, just like she had failed with everything else she had stood for in life. She couldn't even die right. Courtney's hand was being gently squeezed, and she forced her eyes to open, praying to god that her stupid parents weren't here. Why would they be? It's not like they'd come home from their trip for this, and if they did; they wouldn't be holding her hand. They'd be bitching at her for ruining their vacation. When she opened her eyes, it felt like ten million pins suddenly stabbed through her skull, and she immediately closed them again, shuddering a bit with fatigue and failure. "Courtney." Proclaimed a soft, yet slightly exited voice. "Hey, you're awake!" Taking in a breath, she forced her eyes to open again, and rest blankly on Jan. Him. He was the one who was most likely responsible for this. He squeezed her motionless hand again, placing a small but grateful kiss to her forehead. "Thank god." Her jaw trembling, she turned her head away. She couldn't bear to look at him. This was the most pathetic thing she had ever done to herself, and he was now a witness to it. She couldn't hide from him what she really was. She could never hide from him again. Why would he want anything to do with her now? "Courtney ..look at me." Jan demanded softly, his thumb running soothingly over her knuckle. She trembled, but refused. "Just tell me why." He said softly, a pleading tone in his voice. Why? The better question was, why not? "I can't do this." She said quietly, her head still turned away. "Any of it. And everything I worked for is fucking gone." "Is this my fault? Did you do this to get back at me for something?" "No!" God, she hadn't meant for him to think that. This wasn't about him, it was about her, and she knew it. At least now she could admit that, if only in her head. "No." she repeated her voice softer, full of regret. "I couldn't let anyone see. It would ruin everything. It will ruin everything. Everything I've worked for. Everything I am." "You're wrong. Do you have any clue how amazing you are? How fucking amazing? And you were going to just toss it away. I wouldn't let you, Court." "Why? Why do you care?" She finally said back, turning to look at him with defiance in her eyes. "You shouldn't care about me." Jan pursed his lips, his gaze steady, determined. "I don't know why. But you don't get how amazing you are. You don't get any of it, do you. I know there's a lot about you I don't know, and reasons for the shit that you do. And I don't need an explanation if you don't want to explain. I just, I just need you. Here. Okay?" Courtney trembled, unsure of how to respond to that. No one's ever said they needed her before. No one's ever really cared, even though she'd tried so hard to force everyone to care. She never even really thought about Jan before, or tried to force him to do anything because as a person in society, he for the most part, measured up to her standards that she was trying to get others to achieve. The one person whom she didn't consider, was the person who ended up saying he needed her. "Don't' tell anyone." She asked him, almost begging, her hand tightening around his. "Please." He looked upon her sadly. "I won't, if you don't want me to. I promise." Jan leaned forward carefully, cautiously as if watching to make sure she wouldn't flip out before gently brushing his lips over hers, sealing that promise forever. Silence followed nothing but their hands holding each other, providing warmth in Courtney's cold world.
The End