Author's Note: Alright, all of us who ship Howence (and maybe a bit of Noelian . . . Oh la la . . .) knows that Pete Sweet is basically them. Pete loves his hair, Stitch doesn't like to be touched, they love each other . . . And don't worry, this isn't smut. There will be no vivid bumming! Just sexually frustrating and confusing moments, like usual.
Disclaimer: I own no pre-made characters. And once again, Noel, if you're reading this, pay no attention if I threaten to kidnap you. For the third time. Today.
Enjoy the show!
It wasn't a very ordinary day to begin with. Howard left me, me, in charge of the shop while he went out. He went to go after a girl or something. It never really lasts that long, because the few ladies he fancies usually turn out to be that Gregg guy.
Naboo and Bollo went out do smoke with the other shamans, thinking Howard was with me. He was pretty angry at Howard when he came back, but he was probably more angry at me, but for a good reason.
So I went like I always did, and took a sitting up nap, so my hair wasn't messed up, right? Well, I woke up to the sound of glass shattering. It was pretty cool, because I was dreaming I was jamming with Mick Jagger, and it was like the camera shattered at the pieces of glass fell away. But then I woke up.
I sprung up, looking around, stealthy, like a beautiful ninja, and I found what happened. The window's glass shattered, but at least it wasn't mime glass.
Just when I thought it was okay, though, I saw it. It was a baby carrier "Oh man," I whispered to myself, threw open the door to the shop, and grabbed the carrier. I shuffled through the glass, which wasn't a problem because of my awesome boots. I mean, really, these are my best boots yet. Remember go-go boots? Well, these are like that but-
Oh right, the baby carrier.
So, I put the carrier on the front desk, and I removed the blanket, and there were two tiny people in there! They were both squished in there, like a yin and yang. But the black one's face was getting rather red, so I brushed of the counter with one of Howard's shirts, and laid them down.
"Uh . . . hi. I'm Vince." I extended my hand, but laughed, putting it down. "No, only old people shake hands." I giggled a bit. "So can you guys talk yet?" They just looked up at me. "That's a no, alright. Uh, I'm not really sure what to do." I wiped my hands on my leather trousers.
They were both dressed in yellow, so it was impossible to tell what they were.
"Okay, don't freak out or whatever." I slipped one of the babies's trousers and absorbing baby pants off, and looked. "There's nothing down there, huh. Girl?" I did the same thing to the other, and he proved the other one was defiantly a girl.
I tied a pink ribbon around the girl's head, and a blue around the boy's.
"What is this?" I turned around to see Naboo and Bollo looking in through the broken glass. "Vince, what are you standing in front of?"
"I don't know."
"Vincent Noir, step away."
"Yes Mum," I muttered, stepping away.
"I've got a bad feeling about this . . ." Their eyes locked eyes with the twins.
"Howard's going to kill you Vince!" I quieted Naboo, waving him in. Bollo went to get a spare sheet of glass.
"No he's not!" I ran behind the counter, and cradled them. "They're mine now. I found them in front of the shop, and they came with that note that says they're for whoever finds them. They're mine. I'm going to be a wonderful mummy, and Howard will be their daddy."
"Did that single brain cell die?"
"No, in fact, he has some lovely children with his wife. Unfortunately she died, so he started to court his secretary, Vince, and she's pregnant. So that's like, one, two, three, four brain cells!" He nodded.
"Sounds about right." I nodded, hugging the babies again.
"So, okay, the boy's name is Michael Gary Philip Andrew Noir. Michael Mick Jagger's first name, Gary, Gary Newman's first name, Philip, Jagger's middle name, and Andrew, Newman's middle name."
"You've got to be joking."
"Nope." I grinned. "And this one, you see, is Eleanor Ruby Noir. See, Eleanor because of that transvestite that bummed Howard, and Ruby for a special . . . someone. You see, I thought we could call her a cutesy name, like Nell, or Nellie."
"Yeah, and when do you suppose to tell Howard you two are raising children together?"
"I don't know. When he asks why I'm buying regular milk instead of chocolate milk."
"Babies drink breast milk, Vince."
"Like . . ." I covered to babies's ears. "Milk from tits?"
"The chocolate milk you make me buy comes from cow tits!"
"From chocolate cows?" He just nodded. "What else?"
"You have to teach them to walk, and talk, and read, and write, and-"
"How do you know so much about babies?"
"I've been alive for four hundred fucking years!" I glared at him. "I've baby-sat a few times."
We watched Bollo install the new window, but it soon got tiring.
"Naboo, you watch Mike and Nell, I'm going to go shopping for them."
He should have known not to let me go alone. I came back with two cots, two changing tables, two of those little things where you stick their feet in and they can walk, two highchairs, more toys than I could count, baby food that I made sure wasn't disgusting, baby bottles and, get this, the things they put on top, which are called nipples, baby milk, diapers, and a pile of baby clothes at least a metre high. I was so lucky too, because all of the things were from the Jean Claude Jackette baby line.
I set up the baby's room in the spare room, and before I knew it, it was midnight and Howard wasn't home yet.
"Howard! Where are you?"
"Vince, what are you doing ringing me at this hour?"
"Maybe it's because you're usually home by now! I'm just sitting here in my pants and a vest, lonely. Was the lady the Gregg guy again?"
"Who's that?"
"No one, dearest." My jaw fell open.
"Howard! Is that an actual woman?"
"Who is it Howard?"
"Howard," I persisted, "please say it's a woman, and not your wife." It got really quiet. "Howard? Are you still there?"
"Vince, I will tell you about it in the morning. Goodnight."
"Howard, this is like the first time in forever you haven't been here when I fall asleep! I'll miss you!"
"Vince, goodnight."
"Okay, just use protection so you don't get her pregnant!" I hung up. "Well you guys." I looked in their cribs. "Daddy won't be home until tomorrow." Nell gurgled, and I tucked her in, kissing both of their heads, and turned off the light.
Author's Note: Not so much romance now, but trust me, there will be blood. And by blood . . . I think you know what I mean.