Ahab
Rating: R for strong language, implied m/m relationshipSpoilers: Meridian, Revelations, Redemption
Summary: Lessons are often learned too late.
Disclaimer: Not mine. No money made from 'em, but damn they're fun to play with.
We took a field trip down to Groom Lake today to christen our new interstellar spacecraft, the X-303. Hopefully it won't meet the same bad end as the X-301 and X-302 and if it does, I really hope I'm not flying it this time. Maybe that's one of the reasons I insisted on this little ceremony, to break the string of bad luck.
It's a sweet little ship but it needed a real name, all ships do. I have a hard enough time with all the planets being P-8675309 and PX-666 or whatever; we don't need to start that trend with a fleet of interstellar spacecraft. I mean, can you imagine Kirk calling the Enterprise NCC-1701? Me either. Names are important.
We ended up naming the ship Loki. Carter broke champagne over its nose and the whole nine yards. The name was Jonas' idea - I was all set to argue, after all it was my idea to name the damn thing, but then Sam said Daniel would have found it appropriate even though it was the wrong "mytho-culture" and everyone seemed to agree.
Now I'm sitting here half-listening to Sam ramble on about the significance of Loki in Norse culture because she thinks I'm pissed. When she finishes, I just look at her and shrug. "My name was better."
Carter snorts. "Yeah. Well, sorry sir, but," she stares at her feet, "it just wasn't very original." She braves the silence for a minute before meeting my gaze again. "We're going to take Major Standish up on his offer of a tour, want to come along?"
I shake my head. "Nah, I think I'll just catch some rays out here. You go on, though, have a great time. Play nice with the other kids."
I can hear her chuckling as she and the others walk off. They're half way back to the hangar when she turns back and shouts to me. "Sorry about the name, sir, but come on, Ahab?" She laughs again, shaking her head as she turns around and jogs a few steps to catch up with Teal'c and Jonas.
I sit down and let my head drop back against the landing gear of the plane as my thoughts take me back in time and I say softly, "Not Ahab, Carter, it's pronounced 'aw-hab'."
"Jesus, Daniel. Why does it always have to be blood and drama with you?" I can't help rolling my eyes even though I know it will just get him wound up. Damn it, I don't want to argue, all I want to do is kick back a little, have a pizza and a few beers. "Why can't it just be what it is?"
"What is it, Jack?"
His voice is even but his chin is practically on his chest and he's looking at me in that peculiar way he has when he's about to get into a snit. I know that if I wanted to I could end this, I could give in to him and tell him what he wants to hear but I'm feeling particularly stubborn tonight, so I play dumb. "What is what, Daniel?"
He's up off the couch in a heartbeat, pacing the floor with angry, halting steps. "You know damn well, what what." He stops in front of me and gestures furiously, his hand jerking back and forth between our chests. "This thing between us."
I lean back against the cushions, trying to put a little distance between us. "It is what it is, Daniel, hell, I don't know." And as I say the words, I realize that they're really true - I don't have a clue and maybe, just maybe, I like it that way.
People have been known to call me sarcastic but I've got nothing on Dr. Jackson when he's truly pissed off. Like now, for instance.
"Oh come on, Jack, you can do better than that can't you? What is it?" His eyes narrow as he stares at me, scratching his chin absently with his thumb. "There's a wide array of euphemisms to choose from. Which do you prefer? Special friend? Batman and Robin? Confirmed bachelors? Greek boy scouts? Friend with perks?" He laughs a hollow little chuckle and looks away. "I doubt we even qualify as that anymore."
I don't say anything, hoping he'll give up if I refuse to play. I should know better by now. He paces some more and then stops in front of me again and puts his hands on my thighs. Leaning down, he gets right in my face, meets my gaze and says, "How about plain old fuck buddy?"
"God, Daniel!" I push him away and get up off the couch. Language is Daniel's weapon of choice, it always has been, and I know he's only doing this to get under my skin but it's working anyway. "Do we have to put a name to it?"
"Yes, Jack, I think we do." He regards me with his head slightly cocked as if he's seeing me in a whole new light. Who knows? Maybe he finally is.
"What difference does it make?" Damn it, I was pacing now. "Why do we have to call it anything? See, this is exactly what I'm talking about, it's always the big drama with you. Christ, you're worse than my ex-wife." I stop pacing immediately as my body shuts down in sympathy with my brain. Crap. I can not believe those words just came out of my mouth. Any remote hope I still had for a quiet evening just went sailing out the window.
Daniel's voice is quiet when he replies but there's an unmistakable current of real anger underneath. "That's really classy, Jack, bringing the ex-wife into it - and stop trying to change the subject."
Sighing, I try a strategic retreat. "Look, just because we don't have a name for it doesn't make it any less..." I stop for a moment, at a loss for the right word but I'm not Daniel so the right word doesn't come and I finish lamely, "...any less."
He stares at me for a moment, his face unreadable, before turning away, pulling his glasses off and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ah, you see, Jack, that's where you're wrong. We name things - it's taxonomy, it's what humans do. All civilizations reach a certain point when they develop language and the first thing they do is start ascribing unique names to objects, people, situations and they do that..." he pauses and checks to see if I'm still paying attention, "they do that, Jack, to assign them a level of importance. Refusal to name something is a classic example of avoidance--"
"That's bullshit, Jackson!"
"No, no, it's not. It's a fact, Jack, and the linguistic process of naming something requires categorization in order to-" He breaks off abruptly and turns to me with a look of realization. "That's what this is, isn't it? You don't want to be categorized, do you, Jack?"
"What in the hell are you talking about, Daniel?" I so do NOT want to have this conversation right now.
"You know what I'm talking about," he says calmly.
"Why don't you explain it to me and be sure to use really little words so I'll understand." Damn it, I know I'm being unreasonable, but I can't seem to stop.
He puts his glasses back on, shakes his head and gives me a wry half smile. "This isn't going to get any better between us, is it?" I realize that it's not really a question and keep silent - there's nothing else I can do.
He nods to himself as he looks at me, his forehead creased in concentration the way it always gets when he's trying to make himself understood. "I can't do this any more, Jack. But this really isn't about me, is it? It's about you."
I'm not angry, just frustrated, but my words still sound sharper than I intend. "Is anything ever enough for you? First you're my friend, then you're a part of my team and now you're, what, my therapist?"
He bites his lip and ignores the insult. "Is that all there is between us? Are we just friends and co-workers because I thought there was more. I thought we had-" he stops and stares past my head, his eyes distant.
"Had what?"
"Awhob," he whispers. At least that's what it sounds like to me.
"A-what?" I have a sneaking suspicion that this conversation just got way out of my depth.
"The transliterated spelling would be a-h-a-b, but it's pronounced 'aw-hab'. It's a word I learned on Abydos." He turns to me with his arms folded tightly across his chest, his expression carefully neutral. "It has a wealth of meanings that are intertwined in the Abydonian culture. At its most essential it means one human's love for another but it encompasses much more than that." He regards me evenly and takes a deep breath. "You see, Jack, on Abydos they don't distinguish between lovers and friends; they're all ahab, they're all beloved."
"Thanks for the lesson, professor. Is there a point?"
"The point, Jack, is that I thought we had ahab."
"Daniel, please don't do this." Don't back me into a corner.
He ignores my unspoken plea and takes a step closer, unfolding his arms and holding his hands out. "Do we have anything?" he asks and the look on his face is raw with emotion.
I open my mouth to answer him but nothing comes out. I can't tell him what he needs to hear because I don't know how to do this, I don't know if I can do this and I will not lie to him, it's too important. So instead, I say nothing.
Daniel sighs and hands me my coat. "If you aren't willing to give this thing between us a name then it doesn't really mean anything to you, does it?"
A little wind kicks up, blowing my hair back and startling me out of my thoughts. I smile involuntarily and then immediately give myself a mental kick. The next thing you know I'm going to be attributing all natural weather events to Daniel's "presence". Maybe if I ask nicely he'll fix it so it won't rain all week the next time I'm on vacation at the lake.
I realize suddenly that it's times like this when I miss him most of all. Before, whenever I spent too much time reflecting on the past, it was always Daniel who talked to me, distracted me, argued with me. By the time we finally agreed to disagree about whatever damn thing it was we were arguing about I was always firmly back in the present. I never told him how much I appreciated that. Of course, there were a lot of things I never told him.
I remember when we first got back to the base from Kelowna how Daniel sat across from me in the infirmary trying to sound so detached as he rattled off a list of the ways he would suffer before it was over. He never once looked me in the eye until I implied we should ask our allies for help.
That's when he finally met my eyes and held them. "Jack, we don't go running to our off world allies every time an individual's life's at stake, and don't go telling me this is any different because my life isn't more valuable than anybody else's."
"It is to me." That's what I should have told him, it's what I meant to say but what came out of my mouth was, "What happened?".
Daniel had always been so good at reading me, at understanding that what I mean is more important than what I say. And what I meant at that moment was, 'Your life is more valuable to me than an entire planet of morons experimenting with Goa'uld technology - a planet of cowards and liars. You're more important than that to me and I'll call it by whatever name you want if you'll just stay.'
It's what I was trying to say and I hope he knows that.
I smile again as the wind gusts, a little more fiercely this time. I also hope he knows I wanted to name the ship ahab.