Finally the hills are without eyes

They are tired of painting a dead man's face

Red with their own blood

They used to love having so much to lose

Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins

I've been in one too many hospitals one too many times. I'm not angry about it… how could I be? I never really had a choice. First Raivis' drinking problem and then Eduard's breakdown of thought and confusion… Well when I found myself in hospital for physical exhaustion I embraced this change. I was broken but I could still think at least. I guess I owe Ivan something. Every scar that hurt and stained the bed sheets crimson when I dared move around… permanently broken skin and uninvited bruises were all worth it to be here. He wasn't a bad person deep down inside. He'd been through a lot of horror himself and of course the mentality that he inherited from such a war-torn past remained even now. How could he forget? He would have been Raivis' age, maybe younger? This was worthy of respect and perhaps for the more kindhearted, sympathy - but I found it hard to forgive him after not what he'd done to me but what he'd done to Eduard and Raivis. They were like my younger brothers now, my responsibility and because of my many failed attempts to stand up and shield, they'd suffered. Until now.

All that blood pumping through those plastic tubes, any of my blood which wasn't leaking onto the sheets, all that was representation of the fear my newfound brothers had felt. That was to be forgotten. We were away from the source now and it never hurt to lie; to say it was finally okay. We were out of the blaze and yes, letting down guard was actually an option for once, for I wasn't sorry to leave the mess on Ivan's doorstep and the choices were within grasp of my hands, ever tainted.

Did you ever hear what I told you

Did you ever read what I wrote you

Did you ever listen to what we played

Did you ever let in what the world said

Did we get this far just to feel your hate

Did we play to become only pawns in the game

How blind can you be, don't you see

You chose the long road, but we'll be waiting

Bye bye beautiful

I watched it all and couldn't help but feel the groan rising in my chest.

Eduard and Raivis were allowed to spend the whole day just with me as long as they took their medication. Ivan came to visit later in the afternoon despite the fact that he hates hospitals. It must have been a big deal for him; or a big lie for me to suck in. Immediately the usual happened, the same tension from Ed's side, shivers from Rai's side and hidden annoyance overall. In the end, I asked my brothers to wait outside until I finished speaking to Ivan.

"Tolysssss…" he drew my name out slowly, seductively. I refused the bait.

"Ivan." was my firm counter.

"Sir Ivan da?" he suggested with a dark tone of voice. Nothing short of threatening.

"No. Just Ivan."

To match his voice, a dark shadow fell over his round childish face, eyes glowing dangerously like they always did. I clenched my fists and despite being in a frail condition, stood my ground mentally. "How have you been keeping?"

"It's quiet without Lithuania da. All by myself… so lonely without company, especially Lithuania's. And you? Lithuania misses Russia da?"

I missed him to a certain extent. There were a lot of things I didn't miss but Ivan, blissfully unaware of this (or so it seemed) just looked expectantly at me.

I gave him a slight nod. Only one nod for mixed feelings. Ivan did pick this up though.

"Lithuania doesn't mean what he says does he…" instead of dripping with intimidation, the taller man simply looked defeated. Unusual for him; I vowed not to drop my guard from here on.

"I mean what I say, Ivan."

He cowered a little at his own name. "Sir da! Just not Ivan."

I kept my mouth in a straight line. "Sir then."

"Ahh now that sounds so much better! Music to my ears da!"

There was a short silence before Ivan finally said, "So is Lithuania coming back to Russia?"

I inhaled and exhaled angrily. "Don't count on it." I said softly before I had time to realize what I said.

"What was that?"

"Don't. Count. On. It." I replied with gritted teeth. This was a time where it would be better to just say what I wanted. "You never listened. You tried to I know… well you failed. Ivan… sir, your past wasn't great but you always took it out on us. What did we do?" I paused to try and smash the anger back down into my chest but to no avail. "What did we do!? Just feel you all over us that's what. Amazing you are, just not amazing in a good way… and we don't need you. We never did…"

Jacob's ghost for the girl in white

Blindfold for the blind

Dead siblings walking the dying Earth

Noose around a choking heart

Eternity torn apart

Slow toll now the funeral bells

I need to die to feel alive

This routine of the nurses coming and going to treat anything that could be treated was just beginning to annoy me now. I'd sworn to continue on despite all hardship that could be possibly thrown at me but when both your brothers are taking heavier doses of medication each day and you yourself are in no position to help them, even though that's what you're supposed to be doing, it sucks shit. (Please excuse my language.) It's rather disheartening. On the bright side, I received a call from Feliks today. Even that though, was just the same things being said.

"Heya Liet, you okay? I heard you're in hospital and like, totally bruised up."

"Yes I am, but I'm fine."

"I swear if it's that bastard Russia's fault, I'm gonna like, so totally make him pay. I mean like, you're my best friend y'know."

I sighed wearily. "Don't go making anyone pay Fel. Really, I won't be returning to Russia after I get out of here… If I get out of here."

"Do NOT talk like that! You're so getting out of that place and then I'll totally come for you and your brothers and like, you can all live with me! It'll be awesome to the max!"

"That's not what I had in mind."

"Awww, look I know that you had like, other plans but Lieeettt!! I totally need you with me! You should like, so come back to my place! I'll always be there and like, if you need anything I'll always give it to you."

"Pol, don't do this to yourself. You've got your own troubles too; you just sort yours out before you start to worry about me. As for Rai and Ed, they're my responsibility. I'd feel really guilty if I let you take them onto your shoulders."

"As long as you're happy with that…"

We carried on for a little longer before finally letting go of the line. My head was in my hands the whole time afterwards. I was just glad Eduard and Raivis weren't present because the thoughts I was experiencing were emotions that I'd never want anyone to feel, especially those two. It was like boarding a train and not knowing where you were headed to. This not knowing anything was a lot more than I could bear. However, one thing I did know was that I felt alive and this was by thinking about the possible deaths that the future held for me.

It's not the tree that forsakes the flower

but the flower that forsakes the tree

Someday I'll learn to love these scars

still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words

How blind can you be, don't you see?

That the gambler lost all he does not have...

I wiped the last of my tears away. Tolys had finally succumbed to exhaustion of his body and left behind his country, his "brothers", his troubles… and me.

"Tolys…" I kissed his cold forehead. Cold but peaceful… do people always look so calm in that box?

I knew it was all that brute Russia's fault. Tolys may have harboured some affection for him but it was clear to me that Russia was nothing but a cruel, twisted entity who had too many troubles of his own to care about anything else… and he could never love Tolys like I did. I suppose that was just the vengeful even selfish part of me who was saying that but my best friend, my best friend was gone. He would never come back.

Someday, I would learn to appreciate what Russia did to me. It taught me something that Tolys had to die for me to understand. The true meaning of friendship and love.

Speaking of which, shortly after I had that thought, Russia himself approached me.

I held up a hand. "Say nothing Ivan. Say nothing."

I turned on my heels and left the taller man to wonder what he had done wrong.