"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." – James A. Baldwin
Chapter 1 – How It Happened
APOV
"I love you, Christian." I say in one breath, I need to tell him, he needed to know. "You can't love me Ana. I don't have a heart." He says and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes "Christian, you do have a heart. Why can't you see that? You never give yourself enough credit!" I say and my voice starts to rise, why can't he just realize it? Because he's fifty shades of fucked up, Ana. That's why. "STOP!" he bellows and before I know it his hand is across my face.
I'm holding my burning face with tears streaming down my face. "Christian" I say through sobs. I can't believe he hit me. He only ever beat woman when it was consented between the two. Why would he do this? Does he really hate himself this much; does he hate me this much? I didn't mean to, I just wanted to tell him how I felt. I thought he might feel the same, I guess I was wrong. Who could ever love little mousy Anastasia Steele. His words come back to me, "You're worthless" "Nobody is going to love you" "You're ugly and fat". No, that was in the past, I can't let his words affect me. I can't let either of their actions affect me.
"Ana, I'm so sorry." Christian says remorseful taking a step towards me and I back up. "Don't touch me." I say in a faint whisper so he just hears me. I can't talk now, all the memories are falling back to me. I'm going to breakdown; I won't let him see my tears. Not again, I'm not as weak as I was before. Without another word I go back into his bedroom where I find my suitcase. I pull out the glider I bought in Georgia and put it on his bed along with a note reminding him of happier times. I don't want to have this with me; I don't want anything that will remind me of him. I hope he realizes how much he cares, how much I care. I don't know why I care after what he just did to me. Because you love him, idiot. It was different last time, you never cared for him.
I walk out into the great room with my suitcase in hand and Christian is still in the same place I left him. He gasps when he sees me and I see sadness in his eyes. I turn away and proceed to put the Mac, Blackberry, and Audi keys on the counter. I don't want to look at him, I can't. It huts to see him like this despite what he did. Why do I have to love such a fucked up man? Why does he have to let his past define him? We could have been great and he ruined us. There was supposed to be more but I'm left with nothing. My heart feels empty and so full at the same time.
I zip my bag back up and turn to see Christian watching me intently. "Goodbye, Christian." I say in just above a whisper, not trusting my own voice again. There are silent tears running down my burning face and I know they are going to turn into massive uncontrolled sobs soon enough. "Ana, please don't leave" he responds in the same tone as me "I can't stay" I say weakly and get into the elevator. The last sight I see is Christian falls to his knees on the threshold of the foyer. He looks broken, but he broke me.
My legs give out as the elevator brings me down to the ground floor. I sit silently on the floor of the elevator listening to the pinging of floors; bring me closer to my own personal hell. I'm going home, to an empty apartment, alone. I make a quick exit out of the building and walk quickly with my head down the few blocks to my apartment. It's almost dawn and I'm exhausted by the time I reach my apartment. I fall into my bed with unwelcoming nightmares of my past and present.
A/N You will soon find out why I had Christian react the way he did. You will also find out about Ana. I've reread the books a couple of times, and then started reading between the lines; and coming up with my own thoughts about some things. Can you guess why he did what he did? What about what's going on with Ana? Hope you guys like it, let me know what you think.