Triggers: talk of eating disorders, so be careful.
Summary: Blaine didn't have an issue, it was only a habit. He was okay. Prompt: Blaine developed anorexia. One day he faints during a ND number.
Notes: okay I couldn't get this prompt out of my head, and here we are. Plus shhh I couldn't sleep. I hope it's alright. The title is taken from the beautiful poem by Shel Silverstein.
—
It doesn't happen overnight.
Maybe it suddenly started when time seemed little and forgetting to eat lunch or breakfast didn't seem important at the time. The work kept piling up and Blaine had been struggling.
He was used to it, he used to forget to eat when he was stressed at Dalton; but with the help of the warblers always reminding him of their attention, he managed to at least eat everyday. He knew he could deal with a simple habit and it would be okay.
At McKinley it's different.
Suddenly, the stress of knowing Kurt would be leaving for New York was pressing on him, the fact that he was back at public school and he was still terrified, he had been getting behind on work and let's face it, his family haven't really helped in the past few months. It seemed like he got pulled in more and more into this dark place in his mind- and he couldn't get out.
McKinley had such a different atmosphere to Dalton. So similar to his old high school before Dalton that he needs to keep reminding himself that he's not there, to breathe, he has Kurt, its not the same.
There are no friendly high fives or hellos, only judging, shoves or disgusted looks as him and Kurt walk down the halls together, proudly all the same. He can't help it when he grips Kurts hand a little more tightly than usual.
He really didn't even notice at first. Maybe he should have when he had to tighten his belt just a little bit more, or when even thinking about eating made him anxious but it was just him, just a habit.
The days were quickly melting into each other, and Blaine didn't even know what was happening anymore. His grades had been lowering steadily and his parents had found out from teachers. His father had been worse than usual, demanding to know what he was doing. He didn't even know how to answer anymore. He was so tired. Exhausted. That he couldn't even concentrate in classes anymore. The task of even working himself to get there seemed like too much.
Wake up. Get dressed. Get into his car. Go pick up Kurt. The same as usual.
When he finally got to Kurts, his eyes were wide, filled with concern which quickly disappeared. Was he really that hideous?
He started driving and Kurt put his hand hesitantly over Blaines with a quick squeeze of assurance. Blaines hand was cold.
It wasn't surprised. He was cold all the time now, even with all the layers.
At lunch of course he noticed how Kurt kept his eyes on how Blaine slowly ate. He noticed how Kurt kept moving some of his lunch over to him, to try and make him eat more. He didn't know what Kurt was thinking, but he couldn't help like he was letting him down.
Blaine didnt know what he was doing anymore.
Everything kept building up. Being slushied by Sebastion was maybe one of the worst things. The Warblers, who he had grown to trust after everything he had been through had betrayed him and suddenly 'once a Warbler, always a Warbler' had been abandoned, plus his teachers had been pressing for essays that were meant to be turned in weeks ago and Blaine had always prided himself for his school work.
He didn't share his feelings. He put on his best smile, his mask, buried the problem and hoped that at the end of the day, maybe it would be better. Maybe it would be gone by then. But sometimes cracks always start to was always wrong.
He could feel it, when maybe his arms looked too fragile or his ribs started to look more prominent on his chest. He tended to avoid looking into mirrors. He hated what he saw, how weak he was, what he had become. But he needed some control.
Control was everything.
It didn't take long for Kurt to notice something was really, very wrong.
Of course, Blaine had noticed Kurt watching him more during glee practice when he thought Blaine wasn't paying attention, he'd been avoiding doing anything intimate with Kurt for a while now and honestly he had been running out of excuses. He saw the lingering looks with concern hidden in Kurts eyes and some of the other glee club members. They knew something was wrong. But he didn't know how to ask for help with this.
Before Blaine knew it, he was wearing more layers than Kurt.
Blaine had always been the leader, the lead Warbler, dapper, controlled, the one who gave the strength and courage to people when they needed it but he didn't know how to accept it back. He never had, even when Cooper offered to help him after the Sadie Hawkins incident. He just couldn't. He couldn't take imagining the look in his fathers eyes if he had done even more running than Dalton.
He never wanted to let anyone down. Especially Kurt.
He took the moments of dizziness. Played them off. 'No, of course I'm okay.', 'I'm fine, I've just been sick recently, I'm okay.' and the web of lies began, and they just kept building. He was surprised at just how easy it was. Having parents that were barely ever there, always in different places.. He didn't even pay attention anymore. Cooper had moved away to New York about a year ago and Blaine and him hadn't seen each-other since then, only a rare phonecall now and then.
Eating didn't seem like a priority.
He felt like he lived alone. And in such a big house it was twice as lonely. He didn't know why he did this anymore. Sometimes it even felt good. The feeling if being so empty. The feeling that he had control over something so simple. But then he remembered Kurt. That he shouldn't be doing this, but when he wanted to try and eat a full meal, he felt so sick that he physically couldn't do it. He couldn't.
Anyway, it didn't matter. It was just a habit. He was fine.
Even if he did feel like a failure.
That day everything seemed worse than usual. He woke up, head pounding. Not even wanting to move.
He finally got his legs over the side of the bed and had to steady himself for at least five minutes. He was scared, he wasn't really sure what was happening to him anymore.
He finally got out to his car, panting, head spinning. He was dangerous. But Kurt was waiting.
He carried on.
When Kurt got in the car he held onto his hand tighter than usual. This was keeping him here, Kurt would keep him bounded. He was okay, he was okay. Even if Kurt didn't believe him.
It was a Friday. Only one day left to go through. He could do this.
-
By the time Glee came around he was regretting even getting up this morning. His head felt like someone had been banging with a hammer, and it only felt like he was half conscious. He staggered in and fell onto his chair with a sigh, putting his head in his hands, his eyes shut tightly.
The voices of New Directions were echoing in his head. Were they usually this loud? What was even going on. Mercedes was talking to Tina, who held Mikes hand tightly, as they both spoke enthusiastically about the new bargains they were planning to get on the weekend.
He didnt even notice when Kurt walked in.
He sat down in his usual chair next to Blaine and put his hand on Blaines back, whispering if he was okay. Blaine only felt worse because of the worry in his voice. 'Yes, I'm fine.' He grabbed onto Kurts hand again. 'Just tired.' he added and added a smile which quickly faded.
Don't let go. Please, Don't let go of my hand. It was like a mantra in Blaines head.
This was the only thing keeping him in the moment, Kurt was constant. He held on a little tighter.
He drifted through the usual from Mr Schue who waited at the side, waiting for the rehearsal to start.
Regionals was coming up soon, and New Directions had been rehearsing more than ever. Rachel had been frantically pestering everyone to make sure that they went over their moves and lines every night- it was exhausting.
They all had to get up to practice the number and Kurt let go of Blaines hand.
He got up shakily and steadied himself with his eyes shut tightly, assuring Kurt that he was okay. He was fine.
They were in the second number when it happened.
They had all been going over it again and again because Blaine just couldn't work with it today. He felt the ache in his chest and the pain that always seemed there seemed worse. Usually he picked the choreography up so easily, but today he was clumsy. Behind. He couldn't get it right and It seemed as though his arms and legs were heavy. He wasn't there.
He looked pale. So pale, and fragile. His face looked hollow and dark circles lay beneath his eyes as if he hadn't slept well in weeks.
He wasn't singing.
Even Puck was worried.
Finally, it was too much. Everything was in double vision and dark spots began to cloud. A ringing noise. Shouting. Shaking. Darkness hit.
Exhaustion. Pain. Empty. Hurt.
When Blaine fell to the floor Kurt was the first to move. With a panicked shout he knelt down, putting his jacket under Blaines head, shouting for someone to get the nurse as the frantic worried voices of New Directions echoed around them in the auditorium. Brittany had her head buried into Santana's shoulder and Tina was holding onto Mikes hand like a vice grip.
Maybe darkness wasn't so bad.
Blaine drifted away from the voices, from all the pain. Maybe it would all be gone when he woke up.
And he drifted.